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It didn’t register with Sean until much later. Months later. After they’d all finally relaxed again.
Life had gone on. The group of them raising five children collectively meant constant well organized chaos. All of which satisfied some deep-seeded need in Sean for intrigue, since being involved in the raising of a magical child, a baby Grimm, and three hybrid newborns necessitated alliances formed and broken and reformed daily. Nick and Adalind breaking up for good had only made the situation even more complex.
Which was why it took Sean such a very long time to realize exactly what Nick had said that day. Standing in Nick’s living room with him going around hugging everyone but Sean, Nick had said to the room, “Everyone I’ve ever loved.”
Sean had been standing in the kitchen, fridge door opened to grab a bottle of water, when the memory had hit him like a brick to the head.
Because, of course, Sean was there, among them. Among the people that Nick claimed he loved. Sean exhaled, staring into the fridge. Did that mean that Nick had loved him once? Had he gained the very thing he’d always wanted only to lose it without ever knowing he’d had it to begin with? Did Nick still love him? And what kind of love?
Did it even matter?
Sean took a shaky breath and shut the fridge. Was this just going to be one more thing Sean used to torture himself? So much worse than his Meisner haunting.
He swallowed, tasting bitterness on the back of his tongue. This wasn’t going to be a thought that faded away if he ignored it. He knew that. The idea cut.
His own feelings for the Grimm were…somewhat less complicated than he’d like to pretend. He’d been in love with Nick for years, a fact he’d refused to let himself even consider until he was sinking that sword into Bonaparte. Diana had moved his hand, but the realization that he’d wanted to do it, to save Nick, to protect him, even after everything, had torn down the wall he’d built around the knowledge. It had crumbled to dust, leaving him with a sea of love that he had not wanted to feel.
He couldn’t even talk about it to anyone, because everyone he could have spoken to, all of them were Nick’s friends first. Even Wu, who Sean had known for nearly twice as long as he’d known Nick, was Nick’s now.
He shook his head, turning away from the kitchen, only to flinched back at unexpectedly finding Diana standing at his side. When had she appeared? How had he not noticed?
“Honey, I thought you were doing your schoolwork?”
She smiled up at him. “I finished it, Daddy. Do you really love Uncle Nick?”
Sean inhaled, sharply, through his nose. “Diana, I don’t—“
“Because Uncle Nick loves you too, you know.”
Sean froze, staring down at his daughter. “What?”
“I heard him say so. When he and Mommy stopped being a couple.” He could almost hear the quotation marks around the final phrase and he bit back a smile, before he registered what she’d said.
“What did he say exactly?” He probably shouldn’t be asking his daughter this, but he couldn’t stop himself.
Diana shrugged. “He said he loved you and it wasn’t fair to Mommy. They argued about it. Mommy said he’d never have you so his loving you shouldn’t matter. But if you love him too, than it does matter, doesn’t it?”
Sean crouched down next to her, partly so she wasn’t craning to look up at him and partly because his knees had gone weak at the suggestion. “Honey, I don’t know if it’s that easy.”
She shook her head at him. “You should tell him. Everyone likes people to love them. Especially when they love each other. I always like it when you tell me that you love me. I bet Uncle Nick would like to hear it too.”
“I do love you, honey.” She grinned at him. He sighed. “How about you go check in on your brother and I’ll think about it, okay?”
She nodded and wandered off in search of Kelly. Having Nick and Adalind move in with the kids had been a strained compromise at the time, that got worse when the two had split, but it certainly had made things easier in the long run.
“What are you going to think about?” Nick’s voice behind him sent a shiver down his spine.
Sean turned to meet those grey eyes. “Diana…”
Nick arched an eyebrow, waiting. Sean was torn. Answer with the truth and face possibly the most devastating rejection of his life? Or make up something and never know? He took a breath. He’d like to think that he had never been a coward. He wasn’t about to start now.
“She was just telling me that you love me.” Sean held his breath, watching to see how the words landed.
Nick flinched, face going pale. “Oh.”
Sean swallowed, gut twisting into knots at the expression on Nick’s face. “She overheard you arguing with Adalind about the breakup apparently.”
“I see.”
Nick met his gaze, steadily and flat, though there was something lurking there in his eyes. Something that looked like disgust. Sean shied away from it. He took an aborted step back, shaking his head. “I’m sorry that I said anything. Obviously, she was mistaken. I—“
“Oh no. She wasn’t mistaken.”
Sean blinked. Nick’s expression hadn’t changed. “Excuse me?”
Nick shook his head, his jaw working for a beat, before he said, voice tight, “She wasn’t mistaken. I did tell Adalind that I was in love with you when we split. Diana heard me exactly right.”
It was a moment that should have brought Sean joy. Hearing Nick admit to being in love with him should have felt jubilant, like the sweetest relief. But there was disgust in his eyes and anger in his voice and it was more than obvious that he hated feeling the way he did.
Sean laughed, harsh and borderline manic. Nick frowned at him. “Well, I never expected that hearing you tell me you love me would be more devastating than hearing you tell me you didn’t, but when has anything ever gone well in my life? I don’t know why I’m surprised.”
Nick’s frown deepened and he crossed his arms over his chest. “Devastating? Really?” His tone was incredulous.
“What else would you call getting the one thing you’ve wanted for nearly a decade, only to find that the person giving it hates it?”
Nick’s lips parted and he stared for a moment. “Why would you think I hated telling you?”
Sean scoffed. “Nick, I’m not a fool. I can see the disgust in your eyes. I can hear the anger. You might be in love with me, but you hate the feeling.”
Nick was shaking his head before Sean stopped talking. “No, I—Wait. Why would hearing a love confession from me be the one thing you wanted?”
The Grimm was going to make him say it. He shut his eyes. “Because I’ve been in love with you for years.” His voice had gone hoarse, but he couldn’t help it. Saying the words felt like tearing out a piece of himself. One that he’d never recover.
“Oh.” Nick breathed, such awe in the word that Sean’s eyes snapped open. “Oooh.” Nick said again, his eyes going wide. “Really? You’re not lying?”
Sean laughed, a hollow sound. “Why would I lie about this?”
“Oh. Oh, god. Sean. I love you so fucking much. Why are you still all the way over there?”
Sean blinked at him, at the sudden change in his expression. “What?”
Nick took a jerky step forward, close enough now that Sean can smell him even without his woge. He’s been outside, because he smelled like cut grass and dark cedar laid over his natural ozone and fire scent. Sean inhaled deeply without meaning to. “Sean, I don’t hate loving you. I don’t hate you. I…Like most of the time, the disgust and the anger were directed inward. For being a fool and falling for a man who hated me.”
“I never—“
“Yeah, I’m kind of getting that idea. Why don’t you help it along by coming over here and kissing me?”
The question blazed through Sean like fire, like molten gold. His eyes slid shut at he tried to breathe through his response. He couldn’t push it away, couldn’t suppress it, couldn’t even think passed it. He was burning, with desire and longing and so much anger that he couldn’t even begin to understand the shape of it.
A warm, calloused hand cupping his jaw snapped his eyes open. There was Nick, standing barely a pace from him, close enough that Sean could feel the heat of him all along his front. He swayed forward without meaning to. Want was pooling in his belly and his cock was beginning to take notice of Nick’s proximity and possible intent.
“You would pick now to be indecisive. Never hesitated a moment before in your life, but right now, when you should just reach out and take what you want, now you freeze.” Nick’s voice was warm in a way that Sean hadn’t heard directed at him in years and his eyes were dancing.
“It’s not indecision. It’s terror.” Sean said, without thinking and had to fight not a cringe.
Nick’s brow twitched into a frown that smoothed barely a heartbeat later. “Terror? Of what?”
Sean huffed out a breath, self-deprecating. “You. This. Life…Nick, I’ve never…” He shut his eyes again, unable to spit out the confession while meeting that sharp gaze. “I’ve never had a stable romantic relationship in my life. I barely have stabile platonic relationships. And ultimately? I never get what I want. Not once.”
He opened his eyes again to find Nick staring at him. “But you…”
Sean’s mouth curled into a tight smile. “I wanted to work together with you to make this city safe, make history with you. I wanted my family to leave me alone in this city that I chose as my home. I wanted my father to treat me like his son. I wanted his wife to accept that my existence isn’t my fault and stop trying to have me killed. I wanted to break Adalind’s curse on Juliette for you without any complications and without you ever finding out that I’d done it. I wanted to be Mayor. I wanted to be able to raise my daughter from infancy and for her to be safe and happy with as normal a childhood as I could give her.”
Nick shook his head, something in his face going tight. “I’m responsible for depriving you of so many of those things. I…How is it that you still love me? Why would you?”
Sean shrugged helplessly. “I don’t blame you. Well, maybe for the Mayor’s office. But I…We’ve both done things that we likely regret. I’ve done things to you that I would take back if I could.”
Nick chewed at his lip for a moment and Sean struggled not to watch the movement. “Okay. Okay, you love me. I love you. Why don’t we say fuck it and make that enough? We’ve both done things we’re not proud of, things we regret. But when push came to shove, in the end, we’ve been there for each other more than not. So, can I kiss you? Love you? Will you let me?”
Sean whined, high in the back of his throat, and folded down into Nick, pressing his mouth against the Grimm’s in possibly the most desperate kiss of his life. He felt more out of control than the night Juliette pistol-whipped him with his own gun. He was reeling, from barely a touch of lips.
Nick reached up, wrapping his arms around Sean’s shoulders and pulling him in tight to his body. Pressed flush, the evidence of Nick’s interest was obvious and it made Sean’s knees weak.
Sean pulled back just a fraction to gasp, “Fuck, I love you.”
Nick grinned fiercely at him. “I fucking love you too. Now stop talking.” He took Sean’s mouth in a kiss that seemed designed to make Sean forget every other kiss he’d ever had.
It worked.