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Stiles was dying. It wasn't an observation but a mere fact. He had long wires, mountain of wires, embedded in his skin, in his mouth, nose, and God knows where else. The kid was in slumber, Derek guessed he was enjoying his dreams, the ones that he could remember and wake up to. Despite the loud beep of the heart monitor beside Stiles bed, there were a lot of people in the room. The pack, which consisted of Erica, Boyd, Isaac, and Peter. Scott with Allison and his mother, Mrs. McCall. Lydia and Jackson. Finally, the very broken Sheriff Stilinski. Derek heard he lost his wife to the same disease that was eating Stiles away and Derek could relate to the pain, to the void, that was swallowing the rest of the father's sanity. Derek wished lycanthropy can cure something as silly as cancer, he really wished.
There was footfalls and all werewolves and humans alike turned to the door as a man in his early thirties appeared with two males nurses in his sides. The doctor took the scene before him and gave a reassuring as much as a sad smile. "The room is ready and we're going to start cutting up the anesthesia." Some acknowledged but Derek just stared back to Stiles.
It took maybe about half an hour before all the equipments were rolled up and got removed and another half hour for Stiles to start showing signs of consciousness. It was damn quiet that Derek can hear every breath all of the living bodies took as well as Stiles grunt when he weakly sat up. Both of the male nurse were suddenly beside Stiles and was helping him sat up, the pack, the people who loved Stiles would have done it themselves but they were all dreading this moment. Or not really this moment, but what comes right after.
Another minute and Stiles could see each individual in room and he gave his brightest smile he could have conjured up. "Hello guys..." Stiles' voice was raspy, he coughed and one of the nurses brought him a lukewarm water to erase the roughness on his throat. When he did, he muttered a thanks and smiled again, "Jesus, guys. Why the long faces?" And that snapped almost everyone in the room from their own reverie because it's not about them right now, it's about making Stiles feel relaxed, feel understood why he needed to do this. To end his suffering and their very own.
Scott moved first, he practically jumped from the bench to the side of Stiles bed, but when he hugged Stiles, it was warm and careful. Scott whispered something to Stiles which made the kid laugh. His eyes, bright and very much alive. Scott was a bit surprised as well and returned one of his brightest and encouraging smile easily. He hugged Stiles once more, told his best-friend that he loved him and moved out of the way when Mrs. McCall appeared next to him as she followed suit. The woman kissed Stiles' forehead, whispered something again and there was I-love-yous. Allison and Stiles' exchange was more like a bromance and full of promises that Allison take care of Scott, "I know he's a werewolf and all but I expect you to make him eat balanced diet, OK?". Lydia and Jackson went together and it felt like they were in front of their parents waiting for some approval. Stiles mocked a glare at Jackson and clapped him in his right shoulder while he said as much threats of getting haunted if he so much treat Lydia any less than a Queen that she is. Lydia hugged him and kissed him on both cheeks. Issac, Erica, and Boyd had somewhat created a wolf-group-hug and Stiles was more happy to obliged. Isaac so much said that they were going to be the best Betas ever. Stiles pinched Isaac's cheeks for that and said how he thinks Isaac is his favorite from this adorable pack. Peter strode in and joked with Stiles for a minute, they both laughed and Stiles threatened the adult the next to be the mature, reasonable, and ice breaker one in the pack, "Because god help us, you're the last comedian in this room and you're not even funny. Seriously."
Derek gave Sheriff Stilinski a sidelook, thinking the father should be the last one to get to talk to Stiles, so he pushed up against the wall and started to walk towards Stiles when the doctor held him back. Derek gave the doctor a confused look and the doctor explained with, "There would be a lot of time for you to talk with Stiles, later" And it dawned on Derek that Stiles chose him as his companion. His eyes must have bulged out than it ever has because suddenly everyone was quiet and was staring at Derek and Sheriff Stilinski. Everyone assumed of course that it would be the father that would accompany his son... but apparently not. Before Derek could protest, Sheriff Stilinski walked up to Stiles without a word.
Like Moses, the sea of people between the Sheriff and his son parted. Stiles was staring at his father, straight in the eye and unfaltering. For a moment, he looked so healthy that Derek wanted to shout that Stiles' was miraculously cured and they could go home and be ... whole again but Derek thought that could only get him an unamused glare from the doctor as well as sad and hopeful looks from the others. Everyone stepped back and gave the father and son some real private time. There were whispers but Derek wasn't listening in and he knew that the other werewolves in the room wasn't as well. it took about 5 minutes short before the Sheriff hugged his son, kissed him as if he's the only treasure in the world and no doubt that he is, turned back and sit back down at the bench. Stiles nodded at the doctor and they got moving.
Derek fixed the professional video camera in the side, facing Stiles. He never got to use this kinds of things as much as normal people do because he tended to avoid this kind of media equipments, being a werewolf can dampen your interest in such things because of the evidence it can take, so mostly they just get cellphones. Despite that though, Derek was fixing the camera like a professional, wanting it to capture Stiles the way Derek see the kid. Flawless but not quite, pure but tainted of wisdom and hardships. Soft but weilded by the challenges he overcomed. When he got the view he wanted. He straightened up and walked stiffly to the chair that was beside the camera.
He did get to sit down without any problem but he couldn't quite know what to do with his body then, because Stiles was staring at him like he wanted Derek to be the only thing he sees. Which wasn't weird because they were the only ones in the plain, staged room. The said room was comfy, wooden floors, wooden plush chairs, vintage wallpapers, and vintage furnitures as well. The table between Stiles and Derek was a worn out wood filled with first-class dining set up. There was coffee, doughnuts, hashbrows, bacon and other stuff that would complete a classic breakfast menu. The only difference though that Stiles had a journal and pen in front of him. He wasn't writing anything on it, yet.
Derek was panicking more and more as seconds passed and when he took a deep breath, Stiles spoke. "You're wondering why I didn't choose my dad." He sounded so calm, that if Derek wasn't a werewolf, he would have been fooled but Derek can hear the tick of Stiles' heart and it was beating rapidly than normal. What Stiles said wasn't really a question he thought but Derek felt he needed to nod, so he did. "I didn't want him to go through with this... again." Derek understood. "He was the only one there when my mother died-well, I was there but I was too young to really know what was happening."
Derek nods. Feeling a bit awkward because Stiles never talked about his mother or her death so freely before or ever. Not trusting himself to speak, he kept his mouth shut. Derek was never good with feelings or words that praticing with apathy wasn't much of a chore. But like Derek has learned from years ago, Stiles knew this. Stiles understood him more than anyone else, and if that small nod that Stiles gave him after was not an affirmation, he doesn't know what it is.
"She suffered, she didn't had an out like mine." Siles said continuing, "All I remember was lots of shouting and people in scrubs, and what's actually funny"-Sitles chuckled, remembering-"all I did was get pissed with the people because it was just too damn noisy." Stiles was barely 6 when his mother died, Derek didn't judge him.
"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" Stiles asked, for the first time and Derek was a bit startled. Why in the world would his opinion on Stiles' planned death would mean anything to the guy? The moment that question rose in his thoughts, he already knew the answer. Probably because from all the people in the room a while ago, Derek would be the only one to give it to him honestly. Derek could handle that.
"I'm not happy about it." Derek started and because it was the truth, "I'd convince you to not do this and let us spend the remaining days doing-things and not this." Derek had to breath, calming his nerves because he might just to what he said and that wouldn't be respecting Stiles' wishes. "I'd beg, I'm sure but that's not the right answer right?" Derek looked Stiles' straight into his eyes, seeing the teen hanging on his words, "You want to know if this is right and I'd be a liar if I said no, because you just want to end this without the drama, without letting us feel we have to spend every seconds worrying about you because we won't know when will be your last, and without the pain." A beat of silence. "What you're doing? Facing death? Accepting it? If it's not the most goddamn brave thing I have to see, I don't know what it is because even I'm scared Stiles." The last sentence a whisper, "I'm scared of death, for me, for everyone, especially you."
"That was a lot of sentences." Stiles smiled, lifting the heavy atmosphere that suddenly settled in. "But I'm scared too Derek. I'm nowhere near psyched at all but I got to do this." They were staring at each other now, as if trying to challenge the other one to try to say something but Derek only ended up nodding again.
Stiles picked up his utensils and picked some eggs and bacon to his plate, Derek followed. They ate in some confortable silence, muttering some appreciation for the cook but mostly they stayed quiet. When Stiles finished with his egg, some bacon left and coffee half drank, when he picked up the pen and started writing or scribbling something in the journal.
"Scott and I weren't buddies the first time we met." Stiles suddenly said, looking up from the journal from whatever he was writing. It might have been about 20 minutes since he started and Derek got to finish his breakfast and was now munching some cupcake with his refilled cup of coffee. Derek stopped munching, sipped his coffee and looked expactantly at Stiles. Taking this as a cue to go on, Stiles continued "You see, there is so much tension between the class clown and new-kid-in-town in prep school, it's not even a joke." Stiles looked so serious and Derek had to guffaw. Stiles flinched back, surprised from the noise that Derek gave and gave his best grin. "What? You think it's a laughing matter? Have you never been challenged in prep school because you were a ridiculously cute kid?"
"I wasn't cute." Derek scoffed.
"Oh, I bet you were the class cutey patotey and all you can do was smile because you do not know whatever they were talking about." Stiles insisted.
"I wasn't" Derek protested, "Is that what happened to you and Scott?" He asked for the sake of changing the topic because of how fast the topic suddenly put Derek in the limelight when Stiles was the one who should be in it.
"Great change of topic mister, and yes, they all thought he was too adorable while I was the naughty kid. Me? Naughty? When?" Stiles protested weakly, Derek opened his mouth to answer but was given a withering glare, "So, you know, I made pracks only for him and one day we got so into it, some bully became a casualty. We fought the bully off and by that means, crying together because getting punched hurts then we became BFF forever." It wasn't a really a great story or exciting but Stiles was laughing at the end and Derek was smirking a bit. "So why were you so inclined to deny that you weren'y the class hearthrob?"
Derek groaned and gave Stiles some exasperated expression. Only the teen smiled so innocently at him and Derek scowled, "I was homeschooled the first year of prep and kindergarten because we can't control our shifts yet."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Oh."
"How about middle school then?"
"Seriously Stiles?"
"That sounded like a superhero name."
"Shut up."
"Nope. You can't make me."
"I'm eating all the hashbrowns."
There was a clatter and Derek saw Stiles hugging the plate with the hashbrowns, frowining a Derek as if Derek was some 5 year-old-kid that stole a cookie from the jar.
"I remember dance night in middle school." Stiles started again, almost an hour later. The journal was almost filled since it was one of those thin disopsable ones. Derek found entertainment in eating and reading a book that he only noticed a moment ago, after the banter.
"What about it?" Derek asked.
"Well... you see I wanted to ask Lydia out for the dance." Stiles' face scrunched as if trying to remember. "It would sound funny but I had picked up the courage to ask her out."
Derek doesn't really know his feelings about Lydia or more specifically Lydia and Stiles, so he just waited where this was going.
"Before I did though, you see Jackson was already my classmate." Stiles explanation continued, "Crushes in middle school was not new but it was always there you know? Like you just know people's crushes because they tell you. Relevant or not, Friend or not, Enemy or not."
"Jackson and I was like mutual enemies since we like the same girl. And you know how that goes right? Like who's the bigger man, who's smarter, who's the guy that will get to hit that first." Stiles smiled then, "The day I was going to ask Lydia out, I overheard Jackson talking to Danny about Lydia. It's funny because he sounded so smitten with her that even I, the exact person who worships her, couldn't copmpete how Jackson compare Lydia like only the air he breathes."
Derek knows Jackson's indifference to life or people, he always knew there was more to what Jackson is showing but it's another to get an insight of it. "So! I didn't go ahead with the plan... Scott was actually confused because he was like my go-man and he was getting me pumped out to ask her out but in the end all I remember was looking accross the yard, Lydia and Jackson in the middle of the lacrosse field and smiling like the smitten kids that they are."
"Turns out it would save everyones sanity because whoa, Jackson would still be a lizard if I didn't back off." Stiles eyes grew wide as he came in with a realization, "I am a fairy fucking-godmother.. well kid. Fairy Godkid. Sounds like the cartoon." Derek rolled his eyes at Stiles rambling. He didn't know why Stiles was telling these stories but it made Derek feel less tensed. He wished it could've go on.
"I remember you." Stiles was now sitting very comfortably on the chair, hands on his sides. The journal now filled with words for whoever he addressed it to. Pen lying on the side. He and Derek fnished the banquet a while ago, they had small talk in between but Derek started growing tense again.
"Remember?" Because this is confusing, Derek admitted to himself. He knew Cancer can eventually end in amnesia but Stiles never went to that stage, despite the fact his body was in almost vegetative state. Not that he was, he was just so damn weak. The only strong that was coming out from him was words, which Derek thought Stiles was really good at. "Don't you know me anymore?"
Stiles gave a weak chuckle and coughed. "No, you sourwolf. I meant before." Stiles sighed.
"Before?" Derek was now verging on wolfing out because Stiles isn't making sense at all.
"The fire." Stiles answered, peeking under his lashes.
Derek grimaced. He doesn't want to brng that up right now but can't find himself to make Stiles drop the topic. If he wanted to talk to someone about his past? Stiles would be the best candidate than Peter. "H-how?" He asked, the stuttering showing his distress.
"School, dude." Stiles said as if talking about the weather. "I was there when they pulled you out when the fire happened, I was there when you were the captain of the Lacrosse team, I was there when you started-"
Apparently Derek is going to have a fit because today is just full of surprises that he doesn't need. "-I. Fuck." He rambled before Stiles can finish.
"-dating that old blonde chick that makes you cut school."
It hurts, Derek feels somewhat betrayed because Stiles knows this. It's something he had beaten himself with and he's not ready to let someone know, before he can even punish himself for it. He can't make Stiles shut up still. Is this the burden of being a companion? Being the last person to be there before the person dies. You get to know the secrets first hand, the revelation, the emotional pain.
"I'm sorry." Stiles said without missing a beat. "You'd think I betrayed you because I kept it from you but I was just so angry."
Derek head snapped and stared at Stiles, confused once more. He can probably note that he felt more emotions today than any period of his life, and that's saying something. "Angry?"
"You see." Stiles reached for the kettle in the middle of the table. He refilled his coffee as he spoke, "You're not really hard on the eyes, Derek. Even for a 10 year-old."
Derek's forehead wrinkled. Stiles smiled and he put the kettle back. He reached for the creamer next.
"I... I liked you when I was a kid." Stiles scooped almost 3 tablespoon of creamer and stirred. "I mean dude. Captain of the lacrosse team, then you were too quiet as a teenager, you know? Like one of those quiet and drop-dead gorgeous ones. Girls man, girls fawned over you. I don't know if you noticed then but I was jealous. I thought I was jealous of you, it lasted for a year and I realized that I was jealous of them." Derek wanted to ask why but it must have showed on his face because Stiles continued, "I just wanted to be your friend, you know? You were like a cool brother I wanted."
Derek thought that would make sense. Teenager years for him wasn't that fun or even remotely worth to remember but he understood Stiles. What would have change if he and Stiles were friends?
"Then the fire happened and you were gone." Stiles frowned then, he stopped stirring his coffee a while ago but he still wasn't drinking it. "I felt bad too, because it took maybe until I was 12 to realize that you were actually friendless. I thought you had everyone you know? But when that happen, I saw. I wished I did befriend you when I was a kid because maybe you wouldn't have ran away."
Only then Derek really understood what Stiles was saying. Stiles somehow blamed himself for the turn of events, Derek started to protest, "No, Stiles-" Stiles raised his right hand and Derek had to close his mouth shut.
"I'm not blaming myself, not anymore anyway because I paid that debt. I stayed with you when you came back, when your Uncle was a psycho-killer. When the kanima trapped us in the pool. When the Alpha pack tried to run us out of our own damn town. I made it up to you." Stiles said, he slowly reached out for a vial with clear liquid, at his side. Derek never even noticed the vial since they got in the room. All Derek's senses was suddenly on fire.
"Stiles-" Derek choked. Stiles couldn't do this to him, Derek thought he was ready, he thought he was prepared and accepting. That he was strong for this. He wasn't and probably never.
"In those time, I realized something." Stiles continued unfazed with Derek's tantrum. "I always held something for you Derek and I didn't know what to do with it until it was too late. The fire, me getting sick." Stiles uncorked the vial and started pouring it in his coffee. Derek just wanted to wolf out and destroy the room, stop Stiles, now. Stop him. "And I'm really sorry to throw this on you Derek-" Stiles stopped pouring the contents of the vial and settled it back where it was a while ago, hidden from Derek's point of view. "-but I think I loved you."
Derek snapped, Stiles cannot do this to him. Make him suffer than he already had because for Derek, loosing Stiles would be the last straw. He would go crazy. The people he loves, the people who loved him always left him. Derek's half wold out on the table before he even knew he did and drew out a piercing howl.
Stiles shut his eyes, the only sign of his discomfort from the noise. When Derek was done, he opened them again to reach out and hold Derek's hand. Derek flinched at the cold skin, but was unable to snap at Stiles as a half-wolf because even the wolf knew Stiles. Knew him as pack, as a new anchor. Derek held less anger since he rebuild his pack, and it Derek wasn't surprise to only realise now that Stiles was what changed it. "Derek..." Stiles started to say, pleading. Derek forced his wolf to calm down, his self to calm down, which wasn't hard because of the hand wrapped around his.
"Stiles, don't do this." Derek pleaded once he came back, his eyes tinted with red. Stiles' hand left his and the teen was back getting himself comfortable on his own chair, all the while looking at Derek's eyes with his own molten brown-gold?-ones. Derek saw Stiles breathing through his mouth more obviously, and he tried to hear Stiles heart. He heard it but it was all sorts of wrong as it was beating in a irregular way. Derek noticed that Stiles was in excrutiating pain but was hiding it as he distracted Derek. "Stiles." Would this be the last thing Stiles will hear?
Stiles took the coffee and drank it calmly. Derek coughed, choking on the strangled shout that almost exploded from his throat but caught himself just in time. Derek looked down for a while, his hands clenching, because he can't see Stiles do this. Not this. He wanted to be sane after this, at least a bit sane after he give the videotape, the journal, to the people waiting outside.
He heard a sigh, and Derek took a hesistant peek over to Stiles and saw the teen placing back the cup. Stiles looked back at him and grimaced for second then smiled. Derek felt his tounge suddenly turned into sandpaper. "Derek. Would... would-" Stiles grimaced again which made Derek sit up straighter. Derek was panting, as if he ran a mile. Stiles coughed, his head hanged for a moment, then he looked up, trying again. "Derek, would you listen to me?" A beat, Derek nodded frantically. He would, he'd do anything for Stiles. Stiles coughed harder this time though, his body were like in a spasm and Derek stood up but Stiles held up a shaking hand to stop him. Derek sat back down.
Stiles took a deep breath and sat back at his own chair. Breathing laboured, controlled, forced. A couple minute after, Derek had tears running down his cheeks despite his control, Stiles weakly opened his eyes. His face pale, as he started to smile.
"Did you know why I chose you?" Stiles eyes drooped closed. He looked so young, so sleepy, in peace. Out of breath he continued, "So that I know that I've been with you until the end."
And that's just Stiles, insn't it? Derek thought as he broke crying. Stiles, even to his death wanted to be the one to hold his loved ones, his family, up. He never really needed Derek with him or anyone. Facing death was something he accepted himself with no help from anyone, but he knew. He knew Derek needed him, that Derek needed to see Stiles watching over him until the end, indeed.
Derek looked across the chair that was empty. The videotape playback had already stopped. His own cries echoed in his head. He wasn't crying now though, he felt empty as all they did when Derek stepped out of the room, staggering. They were suddenly with him, whispering words of comfort but it only lasted for seconds before they broke their own dam as well. Nobody took the journal, nor the videotape from him. Derek guessed they weren't ready yet. Loosing Stiles was still an open wound for them, something they would never cover up and though it stings and bleeds a lot, they'd cope with it. Nobody slept that night, nobody left anyone, but they did stay over the Stilinski's home. Now he's back here again.
Scott and his mother would be staying with the Sheriff Stilinski for a while, not that they were the only ones who cared about him, because the pack, even Lydia and Jackson, Derek knows will visit the man. Not even him only, they'd go around visiting each other, relieving the kid that changed their lives in more ways than one.
In the meantime? Until they're ready, Derek would be the only one who get to see Stiles until his last moments, read his last words, feel him spiritually. Until they're ready, Derek would be here thinking what would Stiles' lips feel on his own. Until they're ready, he'll be dreaming of the day before. A memory both heartbreaking and precious, in it's own way.