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“Is everything alright?”
Though Tatsumi’s soothing voice barely penetrated his fog of spiraling thoughts, he was, ironically, still viscerally aware of his outward appearance. One clammy hand clasped his phone to his chest, the other gripped the edge of the table so desperately you’d think it was his only tether to reality. Beads of sweat formed beneath his bangs, trickling onto parched lips.
Mayoi tried, feebly, to voice affirmation, but found that he could only produce a quiet wheeze. He felt pathetic, and then guilt for feeling pathetic, and then guilt for the guilt and then…
“Maybe we could ask them to pack our food instead,” Aira suggested. His eyes were round with concern, and their conviction caused Mayoi to avert his gaze.
Just a few moments later, Hiiro moved to place his hand gently atop Mayoi’s. The shock of the warmth caused him to recoil instinctively. Hiiro’s normally curious eyes were squinted with worry, yet he offered no words of encouragement. Though he knew there was nothing his unitmates could say now to relieve his worry, Mayoi was still, irrationally, bitten by the lack of attempt. They know I’m a lost cause...
“I-It’s nothing,” Mayoi murmured amidst his labored breathing. “Just need to go outside.”
“I’ll come with you,” Hiiro proposed immediately. He pushed his chair back, not quietly, then stood. The sudden movement tugged at the tablecloth, clinking some of the cutlery against their glasses, and earning some curious glances from the nearby diners.
This time, Mayoi accepted Hiiro’s proffered hand, though he wasn’t sure whether he was more grateful for the gesture or the excuse to leave.
Hiiro kept a firm yet comforting grip as they weaved between tables. The restaurant was accented by garish hues of oranges and yellows, which didn’t serve to calm Mayoi’s growing sense of discomfort. The small live band seemed to reach the end of their set, and when the claps died down, the silence left Mayoi feeling exposed. He subconsciously turned his face downward as if by avoiding noticing others, he himself would remain invisible.
The side entrance of the restaurant led to a dimly lit parking lot, streetlights flickering at irregular intervals. It might as well have been a bamboo garden decorated with fireflies for all the relief it brought to Mayoi. He could already feel the cool night breeze drying his sweat.
“Thank you….” Mayoi retrieved a handkerchief from his waistcoat and started patting his forehead.
“We don’t have to go back in there. I can walk you home,” Hiiro suggested.
“O-oh, but you’ll miss dinner. There’s no need to. I’ll be okay soon… Just need some fresh air…” Mayoi said, now fanning himself with a flattened palm. He smiled nervously, unsure whether Hiiro would keep pressing him.
Hiiro nodded understandingly and didn’t push further. He seemed less concerned about the source of Mayoi’s distress than exploring solutions. But while his quiet, solid presence was comforting, the idea that Hiiro would be missing out on a vivacious evening such as this bit at his conscience.
“Actually… um… it would be better if I stayed out here a while…on my own.” Mayoi said, twiddling his fingers. “I was starting to feel a bit too warm.”
Hiiro would be uncomfortable leaving him alone, but he would know that Mayoi benefitted from a quiet space every now and then. He wasn’t good with crowds, and it was a busy night. Still, there was a good bit of hesitation before Hiiro gave his reluctant approval.
“I’ll be okay,” Mayoi said as convincingly as he could.
Hiiro nodded. “One of us will fetch you for the main course if you’re not back before then.”
Mayoi was alone. He hunched over, placing both hands atop a thick bollard, and faced downward. He attempted taking in long and slow breaths but found himself sputtering instead. Would he be able to deal with it now? Would he get back in time? How would he take the edge off? How can he face his friends now?
“Oiiiiii, Mayo-chan~!”
Mayoi squealed and instinctively leaped behind the bollard, though it would offer no protection. He couldn’t identify the approaching figure by sight alone – they were on the other end of the parking lot – but the voice was distinct. And no one else called him that. Still, he couldn’t believe…
The seriously underdressed figure suddenly broke into a jog. Was he attending the soirée? Wouldn’t Hiiro have told Mayoi about this? What!?
Questions aside, there was one thing for certain. This was the last thing he needed right now.
With absolutely no regard for personal space, Shiina placed himself squarely in front of Mayoi. He leaned forward with his elbows on the bollard, looking up at Mayoi with intense (frightening!) eyes.
“I like your suit!” Shiina commented.
“T-thanks. I like your hoodie. Very practical,” Mayoi said cautiously. He sidled towards the brick wall of the restaurant, trying to make some distance between them.
Shiina followed him slowly, prattling on about…something. Something about the food. Mayoi couldn’t really hear. Panic swelled within him and he felt as terrified as cornered prey until…
He hit the wall.
“Do you wanna come in with me?”
Mayoi shook his head vigorously. “I need to stay out here a bit. Please.”
That gave Shiina pause. It seemed as if he was about to change the trajectory of his questioning, when his eyes suddenly flicked downward.
“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to Mayoi’s chest pocket. The finger almost grazed him.
It was his entrance pass. With all of the movement, it was peeking through the top of the pocket.
Then it all made sense. Shiina arriving so late, in casual clothes, seemingly unaware of the evening festivities… He didn’t know about the event tonight, that the restaurant had been rented out for the soirée.
Thinking quickly, Mayoi held out the pass to Shiina.
“You need this to get inside. Please, take it. You’ll get more out of it than me,” Mayoi said.
“No. I’m not going in without you.”
“Weren’t you going to do that if you didn’t find me…?”
“But now I know you’re here. Agh, this is so stupid. Stupid Rinne can’t get his information right. Not once! He just said there was a buffet here tonight. How did you get a ticket to whatever this is?”
Shiina was so close to his face, and the force with which he said those last words let Mayoi catch a whiff of his breath. Sour. Alcoholic. It was unnerving, but he tried to ignore it for now.
“There was a lottery system, I think. Aira made a lot of new accounts and entered ALKALOID a bunch of times.”
“How did this night end up worse!?” Shiina asked, clutching his head suddenly. “What did I do to deserve this?? I was just trying to get a decent meal.”
“I’m sure Rinne was trying to cheer you up.”
“I know he was! I’m stupid for listening to him. Now I’m sure he just overheard something Hiiro said. Or maybe I didn’t listen properly.”
“It’s not your fault! How could you have known this would happen? It’s rare for a restaurant to be booked out like this. I’m the stupid one, trying to parade around in a fancy suit like I’m one of them. I thought it’d be okay if I came with my friends, but I don’t deserve to be here. I’m a failure…” Mayoi blurted, matching Shiina’s frantic energy. His true feelings came spilling out like a river bursting its banks. It was a little cathartic, a little selfish, and he felt terrible that he’d soured the mood even further.
Shiina frowned. Concern was plastered plainly across his face, and he took a few steps back, as if just realizing he’d trapped Mayoi. Mayoi couldn’t hold back the sigh of relief.
“You’re not a failure,” Shiina said seriously. “Your performances are incredible and I know you lead most of the training for ALKALOID. Hiiro talks about it all the time.”
Mayoi reached for the sleek chain around his neck. It was a birthday gift from the other members of his unit. It was a simple design, black and unornamented. It suited him perfectly. Even barely implying that he wasn’t grateful for his unitmates’ support wracked him with guilt.
“Even if I’m an asset to ALKALOID, I don’t have much to offer the world as a solo idol. I…” he paused, surprised by the willingness with which he released the next words. “I received a rejection email tonight. You might have heard of the new Starlight production. Application requests were circulating around ES…and…the qualifications seemed so lax I though I'd-”
“No way! I applied for that too!” Shiina exclaimed, laughing.
The alcohol, the sudden showing, the frustration…
He was rejected too.
Then he noticed. The laugh was wry. His expression pained.
Here was Mayoi, surrounded by friends, rejecting all of their help and choosing instead to be self-indulgent in his sorrow. Who did that help? They must be worried.
Shiina instead had tried on his own, presumably, to cheer himself up. The efficacy was in question, especially if he’d resorted to a couple of drinks…but it was impressive. The least Mayoi could do was offer his support.
He walked up to Shiina, tentatively, and embraced him in a gentle hug. Shiina held him back tightly.
“You smell so good…” Shiina breathed.
“You’re drunk,” Mayoi said softly, feeling a tear drip down his left cheek. He wasn’t crying.
“No – I mean yes. Maybe. But you always smell good. Would you just accept a compliment for once?”
“Thank you.”
When they pulled away from the embrace, Mayoi was surprised to find the tears streaming down Shiina’s face.
“Let’s go home. I’m not leaving you like this… I mean…if you don’t mind…” Mayoi said awkwardly.
“What about the others?”
“I’ll leave a text. They’ll understand.”
Mayoi offered his hand, and Shiina took it quickly. He wasn’t used to this – comforting someone else – but it felt natural doing this with Shiina. He was just so forward, granting Mayoi the momentum to take action.
It might be a pipe dream, but maybe… maybe one day, that momentum would help him spread his wings and he could truly live among the stars.