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jun had been acting weird all day and everyone started to notice that something was definitely going on, even thame who tended to be the last one to catch on when it came to things like that.
it all began with the fact that he was the first one to be up in the morning, which wasn’t necessarily unusual. jun was a person who was always up to something, especially now that he had started to step foot in the acting business. if he wasn’t around for group schedules he preferred to spend his time outside of their shared house, attending different schedules and running errands all day long. he also enjoyed waking up early in the morning to leave for the gym as soon as possible, and the members all knew that, sometimes even tagged along themselves.
but during their shared dinner on the previous evening, jun had been very vocal about the fact that just like mars as a group, he also didn’t have anything on his personal schedule for the next day.
(the conversation went something like that:
“tomorrow is actually the first free day i have in months with no meetings, no photo shootings, no auditioning, absolutely nothing. i’m literally free for lunch, no plans for the afternoon, evening and the night.“ jun told them all with a bright grin gracing his features, while he glanced at each member sitting at the dinner table.
nano rolled his eyes: “isn’t this just your way of saying that you’re bitchless for valentine’s day?” the other members tried to hold in their laughter after the reply, while jun just stared at his friend, mouth agape. blush was slowly rising on his cheeks and instead of replying he just snarled at the orange-haired man, jumped up from the chair and went to do the dishes (something he never does, ever))
so seeing him in the early hours of the morning on a free day like that was at least a little odd. yet even more odd though was finding him in their shared kitchen. he was standing in front of the stove and seemed to be cooking something, which again he tended to never do.
“what exactly are you doing there jun?” pepper asked him after he had taken in the unusual view in front of him. he sat down next to thame, who instead had decided to just stare at his group member without saying a word.
jun didn’t spare the other two a glance, he was too busy with whatever he was doing at the stove. “cooking.” he simply muttered out.
“yeah i can see that.” the other one replied while grabbing himself a plate of food from the table, just like thame had a few minutes ago. “but why? you do know that there is leftover food, right?”
for a few seconds, jun didn’t say anything, too occupied with whatever he was frying in the pan and chopping on the side at the same time. “it’s not for me.” he finally answered the question.
thame let out a noise of confusion at that. “for whom then? i thought you said you didn’t have any plans for today?“
“that’s right. can’t believe you can actually listen to my words.” he hissed out, the tone a little too similar to the noise of the sizzling pan.
thame let out a sigh at that and decided that he had definitely done enough interacting with him for today. he should have known better and not made any useless attempts at clearing up whatever was going on with the other one. yeah, instead he should have listened to his first instincts upon entering the kitchen and noticing the intense atmosphere surrounding the other one. maybe pepper didn’t always know better after all.
“you’re not doing too much answering here jun.” pepper decided to speak up again, his voice laced with an accusing tone.
the comment made jun abruptly turn around. his lips were curled in a huge, teasing grin while he looked at the two men sitting at the table. “or maybe you’re just asking dumb questions.” he laughed.
they both exchanged a glance and rolled their eyes at the same time. they were already fed up with jun’s antics and the clock hadn’t even hit noon yet. he grinned even wider after witnessing their little exchange, enjoying this game a little too much. “well, i also told you guys that i would see where this day would be going and i’m working on that right now.” he finally decided to speak out, returning to his task at hand and leaving the two even more confused.
thame followed his own made-up role of not engaging any longer, while pepper continued to press on: “literally what does that even mean? can you just speak clearly for once!”
jun just laughed. and before any of the trio could say another word, nano suddenly entered the kitchen. the orange-haired man immediately made a beeline to the stove, clearly ignoring the ongoing situation to take a look at the pan.
“oh my god, i knew i smelled something delicious!” he exclaimed happily, grabbing a spoon to give the meal a try.
however, jun immediately put a stop to it. “and what the hell do you think you’re doing? i didn’t cook this for you, so forget about it.” he took the spoon away from the smaller one, nudging him away from the stove and toward the table.
“uhm rude? did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?” nano asked sulkingly, flopping down on one of the free chairs. “also who is it for? i thought we established that you’re-“
“bitchless?! we get it, oh my god.” he interrupted in a fed-up tone. he was now putting the seemingly finished food into a spare food container while starting to clean up everything else.
“don’t even try asking any questions. he is just spewing nonsense anyways and not telling us whoever he is doing all this for.” pepper let the younger one in and prepared a full plate for him.
“oh really? we’re being mysterious today?” nano asked rhetorically, giving pepper a grateful look and taking a bite of yesterday’s leftover food. “you know what i find very interesting though, jun? the food you were cooking, isn’t that just the favorite meal of dy-“
“oh my fucking god, we get one free friday like half a year and you guys decide to what? wake up the whole neighborhood when it’s not even 10 in the morning yet. genuinely why do i need to share a home with you guys?” dylan’s annoyed voice filled the room, and the conversation was interrupted once again.
everyone turned around to the grumpy man. nano’s comment was completely forgotten and the attention of the room fully shifted to dylan instead now. no one focused on jun’s slightly questionable behavior anymore and neither did any of the four notice how jun packed away the boxed food.
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well that was only the beginning of a long day. the second instance happened shortly after lunchtime. pepper and nano were both chilling on the sofa in the living room, playing an older ps4 game together when jun entered the house. they only glanced at him for a second once he fully stepped into the hall, both of them too immersed and not planning to lose the game. but the bouquet of flowers in his hands made pepper pause their round right away.
“what do you got there junnie?” nano wondered in a honey-like voice, expectantly blinking up at the taller one.
“you need to stop with your rhetorical questions today.” he sighed, taking off his shoes. “we can all see that these are obviously flowers. i’m just trying to make some changes today, trying to be less bitchless, you know?” he shortly waved at the two before going to thame’s room, leaving the members staring at each other in utter bafflement. there were so many questions left unanswered.
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“hey thame, have you got a second? i just finished this song that has been bugging me for weeks and i’d like to know if yo-“ dylan stopped in his tracks, gaze falling on the dozen rose and white flowers under his desk. “where did you get these from?” he turned to ask instead of voicing his initial request.
thame looked away from his computer screen, glancing at the bouquet dylan was pointing at and then to his friend. “jun dragged these into my room out of nowhere. don’t even ask, everything he is doing today is just questionable. however also very much on brand for him. he even said that no one else is supposed to see them, whatever that means.” the leader laughed out loud, shaking his head in amusement. but that laugh fell right off his lips once he became aware of the now blank expression on dylan’s face.
“lilies huh?” the silver-haired man whispered out so quietly, thame was barely able to identify his words. he only hummed in response, uncertain about what the other man really meant by that. but very certain about the fact that the previously very apparent excitement had completely left dylan’s body.
thame made a move to get up from his seat, the worry he felt in his veins was trying to bring him closer to his group member. “so what did you come in here for? you want my hel-“
dylan just shook his head, fingers tightly gripping the pages of lyrics in his hand. “nevermind.” he spit out in a low voice and abruptly left the room, giving thame no chance of even reaching out to him or listening to what concerned him. the leader started to have a bad feeling about what this day may turn into.
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the third odd moment happened close to the early hours of the afternoon, once again playing in the living room, the center of their home.
“this is like the 30th time you picked up your phone when you’re not even getting any notification. what’s your deal?” nano side-eyed jun, who was sitting next to him on the couch, and lightly hit his thigh out of pure annoyance.
the older one only grunted in response, not granting him any verbal or substantial answer. it didn’t even really seem like he took notice of the words the other member had spoken to him. he was still laser-focused on his phone, constantly swiping away on it with his thumbs and scanning the screen for any new message.
of course nano didn’t give up so easily. “are you waiting for something? or … for someone?” he questioned in a teasing voice, moving away from hitting to tickling jun’s side now.
unfazed by his friend’s attack, he looked up with a challenging expression on his face, accentuated by the lopsided grin on his lips. “none of your business.” he replied slowly, clearly enunciating every word, knowing it would drive nano mad.
he rolled his eyes, he wouldn’t just get brushed off like that. “oh c’mon you can’t just dodge all of our questions like this!! remember when you used to tell me everything?” he shrieked, grabbing onto his biceps now. “please please please.”
the noise of the doorbell broke off nano’s begging and allowed jun to free himself from his grip. “that literally never happened.” he laughed in amusement, shortly patted his head, and finally got up.
at the same time, po suddenly entered the house. nano also excitedly stood up once he saw the older man. “po hey! what are you doing here?” he greeted him with a bright, happy smile.
before po could even fully arrive or speak for himself, jun jumped in between. “again: none of your business nano!” he responded, and walked up to po to grab the plastic bag in his hand. po gave nano an apologetic look as a way to excuse the other’s words. then nano could hear how jun was mumbling a few words to the other man, yet he had no chance of really deciphering any of that as they were standing too far away from him. he also felt like jun didn't want him to hear what he was saying. though what he could very clearly decipher was how po brightly smiled at the other one in return, this and the fact that they afterwards just disappeared deeper into the house together, left him a little dumbfounded at least. all nano could do was to just silently watch them. he blinked slowly and wondered if that all really just happened in the past few minutes. he didn’t know how to deal with another such strange situation. and he definitely needed to tell someone. now.
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dylan opened his eyes after the last notes of the song had faded out in his headphones. he was lying on his bed, and had just woken up from a short, even more draining nap. he felt restless and even though the exhaustion was sitting deeply in his bones, he decided to get up from the bed and walk to his computer. on the way, his headphones somehow started slipping off his head, which allowed him to hear the muffled voices that seemed to be speaking close to his door.
maybe it was the restlessness, maybe it was just his tendency to always listen to what was happening around him, maybe in hindsight, it was just utter stupidity. but something made him change course and quietly walk up to his door instead, opening it just a crack without making any noise.
the voices belonged to pepper and jun, both talking in a volume lower than they usually did.
“nano told me that po came by the house today?”
dylan could hear jun hum in acknowledgment.
“so did he come for you?” pepper continued to ask, and dylan’s breath hitched for a moment. he too had noticed that both of them had gotten closer over the past weeks. and it wasn’t like they could’ve done anything work related today, not on a free day like this, right? so had they really gotten this close to each other already?
jun replied immediately. “and what if he did?” dylan could hear his laugh, short, fake, uncomfortable. it left him even more confused.
pepper seemed just as much at a loss. “what did he do here then? has it got anything to do with the weird things you have been pulling all day, the cooking and the flowers?” he questioned, with a voice that was more insisting now. dylan knew that when pepper turned serious like that, it was hard to handle him, even harder to stand in front of him and be the one his sole attention was focused on.
and he knew even more so that jun doesn’t react well to a confronting and accusing tone like that. he knew that jun was bound to explode at some point if their conversation would follow this current direction.
“you’re talking nonsense pepper. if you want to know so bad just ask him yourself, what do you want from me?” dylan could hear how defensive he sounded by now, and suddenly all he could focus on was the lump in his throat that seemed to grow bigger and bigger each second of listening to this conversation.
“you’re doing nothing but avoiding our questions and acting suspicious all day, jun. look, it’s just that … the thing between thame and po, it’s more serious, you know? i just want you to remember that.” contrastingly to dylan’s expectations of how this conversation would go, pepper’s tone has swiftly gotten more soft, reflecting more understanding for the other one. it calmed him down. but it also felt like a slap to the face to hear pepper voice out so openly what the members had only been speculating about for the past few days. it made it more real to dylan.
jun snorted. “what?” he exclaimed in an unbelieving tone. and for just a second, relief was flooding through dylan’s veins. maybe this would be the moment where he vehemently denied all the nonsense pepper had thrown in his face so far. “i don’t care.”
yet, those were the words dylan heard next. there was no strong denial of pepper’s comments, no clarification that he had been wrong all along. instead he said i don’t care. words that almost came close to a confession to dylan. confessing that his feelings for po came first while everything else was put to the side: his friendship, his friend’s feelings, definitely dylan and his stupid little heart.
the words and their implication washed over him like an enormous wave, uncaring of everything it buried underneath itself. they made him feel sick to his stomach and made him lose the ground he was standing on. these words of confession left a gaping hole in his body, and he couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t listen to them any longer, and let himself get hit over and over again. he had to escape.
his body was full on shaking when he returned to his desk and put on his headphones again. he turned up the music to the fullest volume, trying to calm himself down and most importantly, blocking out all other noises, all other words, all other voices. he couldn’t wait for this day to be over.
————————————————————
the final blow of the day happened in the kitchen, where everything had begun in the first place. pepper and nano were sharing plates of freshly ordered food, casually talking to each other about their plans for the coming week. when jun walked in, looking more dressed up and put together than he had all day, hell more than they had probably ever seen him (aside from schedules). and they once again found each other exchanging confused glances. jun didn’t pay them any mind and went straight to the fridge.
nano decided to break the silence, question burning too heavily on his tongue to not say a word. “what are you so dressed up for? finally ended up having plans for today?”
jun hummed in agreement while he was taking out stuff from the fridge and packing it into the bag on his shoulders. “well, i surely wouldn’t make myself look so fine just to hang out with you losers here.” the grin the two members couldn’t see on his face, was definitely recognizable in his voice.
he should have felt offended, yet nano couldn’t help but laugh a little. he had to give him that. “so who are you going out with?” he wondered and elbowed pepper next to him to get him to speak up too. though his friend just shook his head. he had done enough interfering today and definitely learned from his mistakes.
nano not so much though. instead he decided to push even further. “it’s po, isn’t it?” he asked teasingly, waiting for a reaction from the member standing in front of them.
and that reaction came immediately. jun swiftly turned around, he had his eyebrow raised, with a challenging look in his eyes. “po? where did you get that from, hm?” he looked over to pepper for a split second and then returned to nano again. “that would be pretty hard, considering that he is on a date with thame right about now.” he winked at them both, familiar grin plastered on his face. he then grabbed something from his bag, walked up to them, and placed it on the table.
the two, who still tried to process what he had just said, took in the light blue envelope that was now lying in front of them. “would you please be so kind and give this to dylan for me?” he requested and finally walked out of the kitchen with that, leaving the other members speechless once again.
a few seconds passed. “oh my god.” nano shrieked, turning his head to his friend, his hands clasped together in front of his mouth. pepper's expression reflected a similar state. "these two?!" he loudly exclaimed. and realization finally hit them at last.
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the room had become fully dark now, a sign of all the hours dylan had spent in front of his computer today. letting his rage and anger produce chopped-off melodies, rushed lyrics, and overall dark songs that he knew he would discard sooner or later. after all, there wasn’t much that came out of unprocessed and unconfronted emotions. but what else was there for him to do? he needed to vent, he needed to let his feelings run free somehow and most of all, he needed to keep the rushing thoughts in his mind at bay.
a ping interrupted his session. he had completely forgotten about his phone, or anything else surrounding him for that matter. he was so immersed in the music that he was working on, so committed to blocking out everything else.
when he grabbed the phone he saw a message from mick, telling him that he’s needed at the company building and should come. asap.
great. he rolled his eyes at that but went to get up anyway, bones all over his body cracking after finally being allowed to move again. dylan winced at the noise but was relieved at the physicality of the feeling. he thought there was finally something else but numbness weighing down his body.
after grabbing all his stuff and leaving his room, he noticed that their house had been fully emptied by now. he was so sheltered in his own space that he had completely missed what was going on around him, or better how probably everyone but he was enjoying this special day.
where are you at? he texted nano, knowing the younger one was the most likely to reply. and just to make sure also sent one to pepper and thame.
he was right though when the other two left him unanswered while nano replied in a matter of seconds. out with friends for the night. probably won’t be back until tomorrow.
dylan sighed at that, it seemed like he had no other choice but to go to the company building at 8pm on an off day, while the whole world was basically basking in romance and love. because if he didn't who else would do it, right?
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it only took him about 25 minutes to reach his goal, which came as a calming thought in consideration of his way home later when this was all done with. once he entered the building and went up the elevator, he wasn't surprised to find mick's office empty and with no trace of him. this was so very on point for him. to get this all over with as quickly as possible, dylan texted their manager, asking about his whereabouts while walking to the common room on their floor.
"dylan hey! there you are, finally! what took you so long?" mick interrupted his activity, quickly walking up to the younger one. dylan really had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes while he pocketed his phone. "whatever, doesn't matter i should be used to it by now. anyways you should go up to the roof." the given information left him confused, not once in all his years here had he gone up to the roof, so why exactly would he have to do it now on a random friday night? the confusion must have been very present on his face as mick continued: "jun needs your help with something."
dylan clicked his tongue before replying: "so you made me come all the way because of jun? like i care." (he did). he crossed his arm in front of his chest.
"well does it look like i care? i don't have time for this, just go up there and help him." mick returned, becoming impatient after seeing that the group member still hadn't moved. "you will get a free day for it later or something. whatever, i'm done here." he said and with that left the common room, and a bewildered dylan.
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dylan did hold an inner monologue after that for a few minutes, fighting himself on the question if he should actually go up there. he didn't feel like he could stomach seeing jun out of all people so soon after all the new revelations of today, not really. in his current state, he would love nothing more than to hide from him forever. but then again, he also really didn't need to have any more problems at work and he could always do well with another day off. eventually he made the decision of fulfilling his manager's request and took the elevator up to the unfamiliar rooftop.
once he reached the highest level of the building, there was only one door he could go through. so with no other choice, he simply followed the path and stepped through it. the view that then presented itself to him was astonishing and so so lovely. there were what seemed like hundreds of candles lighting up the otherwise somber roof terrace and blending in perfectly with the rest of the city lights. dylan was absolutely amazed, even more so when he saw the other figure standing a few meters away from him, beautifully illuminated by the candlelight. the silver-haired boy felt his breath hitch at the sight. "jun." he whispered in slight awe before he could even try to stop himself. "what are you doing here?" he addressed the other one.
jun stayed silent for a little while, taking in a few deep breaths before fully focusing his eyes on the one standing in front of him now. "i prepared a little something." he shared with a small smile.
and dylan couldn't help but mirror his smile a little. it was definitely only due to the beautiful atmosphere, dylan really couldn't be blamed here. "i can see that. it looks...stunning." he admitted, again before he could attempt to control himself. he really should pull himself together. nonetheless, receiving such a lovely smile for his words made it at least a little worth it. "but why did you ask for me?"
jun's face suddenly twisted a little at the comment. he looked a bit caught off guard but composed himself quickly. "you got the letter?" he asked instead of formulating an answer to dylan's request. it started to irritate him a little, all he wanted from the other was a direct and clear answer. "what letter?" he shot back, a bit too sharply.
this time the brown-haired man wasn't able to mask his confusion or compose himself quickly enough. his eyebrows were drawn and his lips pressed together. he almost appeared to be mad. "you don't have the letter?" he repeated his question, in a more intense tone.
panic started to flood his mind once he recognized the change in his voice. what letter was he talking about? he was clueless, no one told or gave him anything, right? but clearly, he was supposed to bring it here to his friend. and if that letter was as significant to jun as it seemed, then dylan really couldn't arrange himself with the fact that he might've just ruined this night for his friend. he attempted to swallow, despite the dryness of his throat making it almost impossible for him to do so. "jun... i'm-" he stopped himself, brain fully blank and empty by now, except for the immense sense of guilt echoing in his mind. "i don't know what... no one-" he just helplessly stumbled over his words. jun became incredibly aware of the panic drenching each of his syllables. with the wish to calm down the other one from this sudden change in behavior, he took a step forward to him.
"hey, it's alright dyl. we don't need that letter. it's still all perfect, hm?" he spoke softly, trying to bring comfort to the other man. he didn't really succeed though, if dylan's inability to look him into his eyes was any indication. instead he kept blankly staring at the ground. "look, i've got all the candles just like you said and even a self-cooked meal." he rushed out nervously, feeling like he was somehow running out of time here. he pointed at the spot on his right with a blanket and different food containers, which dylan hadn't even taken any notice of so far. he shortly glanced in the direction and then back at jun, confusion visible on his face. but before he could voice anything, the brown-haired man just continued.
”there's even a projector and a bunch of movies." he abruptly pointed in another direction, nervousness fully controlling his body and its actions now. "remember when i asked you about what to plan for a perfect date? and you told me about watching films and sharing food together, you told me to pay attention to the atmosphere and to never forget to bring a little something for the other person like-"
and before jun could make any movement to show that something to him, he had already seen the bright flowers. "like lilies." he interrupted, bitterness coating his tongue. the feeling, he had experienced upon seeing the bouquet for the first time today, fully returned to him now. more so, it felt like someone poured a bucket full of ice all over dylan’s body. the utter shock was the first emotion to hit, and then a flash of anger and irritation flooded through his veins, quickly being suppressed by the overwhelming pressure of numbness.
back then when jun had randomly asked these questions, it wasn't like dylan had been naive enough to assume that jun went to him because he was particularly interested in him as a person, and least of all as a dating partner. but standing here now and watching jun play out what dylan had shared with him word by word for a different person just felt like an awful sick joke. and worse of all choosing his favorite flowers in particular when he could have gotten literally everything else for po was another hit to the stomach. dylan almost felt ridiculed by the other one. like this was jun's way of somehow rubbing all of this in his face, of showing and letting him enter a scenario that he had wished for for so long and shortly after taking it away from him just like that and without a second thought. moreover though, it especially lead dylan to believe that he was of no significance to the other one, not in the way he desperately wished to be. that he wasn't even worth the smallest thought and didn't play any role at all. dylan felt nauseous.
as if all the little things throughout the whole day hadn’t already been heavy enough, this portrayed a breaking point for him. for the past weeks, he had been so adamant about avoiding and pushing away the ultimate reality of jun liking someone else and being fully unattainable for him. and it was bound to come crashing down on him one way or another. dylan had been too afraid to accept what was right in front of him all along. and now he would have to face the consequences of his cowardly stupidity. he had always known it would happen but he still didn't feel prepared for it at all, not like you could really ever be. all that was left for him to do now was flee this situation as quickly as possible, return home, and lick his own wounds.
“wow, you seem to really care about my opinion.” dylan chuckled dryly, eyes scanning the view once more. in the split second of turning away, he missed jun brightly, and so cluelessly smiling in return. “of course i do.” he took a step forward toward the silver-haired man and dylan finally looked back at him. the reality that this would all be over soon, that he would have to leave, not be part of it any longer (just like he never was supposed to), not be the one this was all aimed to hit him all at once. it pained him. and it relieved him at the same time. however, his feet didn't allow him to finally release himself from this situation. not yet.
“so, where is po?” he finally asked, despite his inner voice screaming at him to ask and say anything but that. he didn’t want to know the answer anyway, not really. so why was he torturing himself like that? hadn't he faced enough today?
jun blinked at that. "oh my god, why is everyone asking me that today?" he chuckled breathlessly and threw his head back in amusement. but the joking manner immediately left him once he saw how silent tears suddenly started to roll over the other man's cheeks. "dylan what?" he wondered worryingly. "i don't know. why would you ask that?"
"why would i ask that?" he breathed out, angrily rubbing the tears off his face. he was dumb, this was all so dumb. "look, it doesn't always seem like that but i do live at the house just as much as all of you. i can always tell what's going on and i noticed how everything was all about po today (has been for weeks is what he bitterly thought but didn't dare to speak out loud). so i'm just asking when will he get here? i should probably head out as soon as possible." he rushed out, telling himself to collect himself and calm down again. he would get out of here very, very soon. he shouldn't be crying in front of jun like this, shouldn't embarrass himself even further.
jun looked perplexed though, stunned into silence, which rarely, rarely ever happens. he leaned slightly forward without actually taking any more steps, almost as if he was afraid that he could make a wrong movement. "i don't think i can follow you, dyl." he stated calmly, attempting to carefully defuse the situation that somehow had gotten so out of control for him.
and this nonchalant expression, the calm tone of his voice drove dylan even more mad. he was certain that jun tried to rile him up here, tried to ridicule him even more. a kind of behavior that usually determined their general dynamic and dylan didn't mind it on any other day, even tended to hold such shared moments close to his heart. however, today it appeared like it was only a way to disregard his personal feelings, as if they weren't important enough for consideration, only part of a bigger running joke. "you're doing this on purpose aren't you?" he spit out and now he was the one to step forward, closing the distance between them further. "can't you just for fucking once in your life give me a clear answer?"
jun's eyes automatically widened in shock at the other man's reaction. despite his previous precautions, it was apparent that he had been able to make just as much of a wrong move with only his words. he breathed in and out a few times as he had at the beginning of tonight's scene between them, something that seemed nearly ages ago to both of the group members now. just like dylan, jun too was reminded of their typical dynamic and maybe in a desperate attempt to save whatever this conversation had turned into, he strove to hold onto what was usually so familiar to them. "maybe it would help if you actually ever ask a clear question!" he retorted.
"fine!" dylan responded immediately, his voice secure and stable, even though he could definitely sense another wave of tears trying to break free. "let me state it clearly for you then: why isn't po here right now witnessing what you prepared for him so well??" and before he even finished the whole sentence, tears slowly drenched his skin again. dylan could only hope the candlelight would be a little kind to him and not fully illuminate his face, allow him to keep a bit of dignity and not reveal the whole truth to jun yet.
now the silver-haired man saw how all the color suddenly drained from jun's face at this final wording of the question (which also should be enough of a sign to him that his own tears were just as visible). the expression of shock appeared even more profound on his features and his mouth was left agape. "oh my god" were the first words to leave his lips, "dylan, oh my god." he continued to stutter out, head slightly shaking from side to side. "you really didn't read the letter..." he whispered almost silently like he was just speaking to himself.
nonetheless, dylan could make out the words. he unconsciously clicked his tongue at them while he clenched his hands into fists. "see i told you. you clearly aren't capable of answering my questions like a grown adult. what else did i expect from you, huh?" he expressed bitterly. and then: "seems like i don't even deserve this much." he muttered afterward, shortly shaking his head in silent disappointment. he observed the other one's face, aiming to read his mind, to find out how much dylan had truly revealed to him. yet, he could only detect the traces of shock, nothing else. well, jun had always been fantastic at hiding his emotions.
so there weren't any movements on his face, but he did step forward again, now entering dylan's personal space. a line that hadn't been crossed for the night so far. "dylan." he rasped, taking another step. "god, dylan." and another one. he was so close now, something inside of dylan almost started laughing hysterically about his earlier thoughts of being able to hide his tears. "dylan."
"would you fucking stop that!" he exclaimed. "whatever, if this is all you can say, i'll just g-"
"none of this was ever for po." jun finally replied to the question that started all of this, stopping dylan in the middle of his words. he slowly blinked at that, two, three, four times, trying to process the meaning of the now seemingly simple answer. there was no way he heard that right, was there? all the details of the day pointed to no one else but po. dylan was sure of that, hell even pepper and nano would have agreed with him based on how the past weeks had developed. "i really don't know where you got this from."
"well today i-" but the other one didn't even give him any chance to say another syllable. maybe he was finally making up for all his moments of dodging and avoiding today. "i chose this rooftop instead of any other high building in the city because you said you'd love a nice view. but i know you and i know that you prefer to be alone instead of among masses of people. you told me you could imagine nothing more romantic than sitting together in the candlelight, so i lit up 125 candles, 125 just like your birthday, and put them all over this terrace. you said a home-cooked meal can show someone just how much you care about them, so i cooked you your favorite stir-fried rice just like you always make for us on the weekends. and i know that your favorite way of spending quality time with other people is to watch movies, so i brought all of your favorite films and prepared a projector." jun started to rant, in a determined voice and with a serious look in his eyes. dylan could barely follow his words, let alone truly work through what the other one was saying to him. each syllable reaching him almost emptily, unable to fully convey what the information jun was giving him really meant. it wasn't like he allowed him much of a chance to do so, as he went on: “and i went to three different flower shops to get your favorite flowers, and i only bought them in white and rose because your favorite color is dark blue and who the hell would ever get dark blue lilies." jun continued breathlessly, eyes laser-focused on the silver-haired man, as he took another step forward.
dylan's breath hitched. he was visibly shaking by everything the other one had suddenly shared with him and even more so by the close proximity between the two. "jun i-" but he got interrupted again: "so tell me who do you think i wanted to do all this for? who do you think i desperately wanted to spend my valentine's night with?" he was the one asking the questions now, intently staring at dylan and expectantly waiting for a reply.
dylan however felt speechless, entirely incapable of forming any words, or for that matter even any thought whatsoever. he only stared at the one in front of him. while his mind repeated the given speech to him, over and over again. he let his words slowly wash over himself, wash over all the deepening wounds of the past weeks, all the shattering confusion of the past day, all the cruel doubts of the past hours and all the utter heartbreak of the past minutes. his brain spent seemingly never-ending seconds pondering over the words, the realization so close to truly setting in. but something in dylan couldn’t quite grasp it yet.
meanwhile jun spent the time simply looking at dylan and patiently waiting for him. waiting for his words, his reaction, his answer. “do you get it now, hm?” he wondered in a soft tone, eyes glistening at him.
and then something in dylan broke free and he just started to sob uncontrollably. all the pent-up emotions he had tried to hold in and hide away from everyone for so long escaped him in just a matter of seconds. it felt like all the heavyweight was suddenly lifted off his shoulders and all the worry lifted off his heart, instead, there was relief flooding through his entire body. not even for one second had he let himself believe that this out of all other scenarios could ever be a possible outcome. he had never even dared to dream of his feelings being returned by his group member, always ready to extinguish even the smallest flame of hope emerging in him. and now he was standing here in front of jun, after all of his words settled in more and more and reached all the spots in him which had been aching for a truth like this for so long. his sobs became louder. under normal circumstances he would feel embarrassed to be crying in front of jun like this, however, the euphoric feeling outweighed everything else. he looked back at the other, who was still patiently waiting for him, now with a light, happy smile gracing his lips like he knew exactly what emotions the other one was undergoing right now. and dylan sensed more tears overcoming him. "it's just that i heard you and pepper today..." the words leaving his throat like hiccups, as he was still shaken up by all the sobs escaping his body. "pepper confronted you about po, and then all you said was how you just didn't care at all." he rambled on, snot and tears all over his face. "and when i went to thame's room he told me you were the one who brought the lilies there and it just hit me. because i know that you know that they are my favorite, and all i had in my mind was you giving them to po, like i wasn't worth the flowers." dylan sobbed out.
"oh my god no dylan!" jun let out in an almost offended tone at the things the other one had misunderstood during the day. he stepped closer, hands slowly reaching out towards dylan's and carefully grabbing them once he made sure there was no sign of discomfort. "po was only there to help me. he brought me the movies and the key to the roof. i had to ask him because i didn't trust any of the other members. i mean just look how badly thame fucked up with the little task he had. and don't even get me started on pepper and nano failing to give you my letter." he chuckled lightly, while his thumbs drew small circles over the back of dylan's hands. "i also told pepper i didn't care about po at all and that i have absolutely zero interest in him. like he isn't even that great, really!" he said, smile growing wider when he heard a hiccuped laughter coming from the other one. "but you know i have to give him a little credit. back then at practice when i asked you about your ideal date, i felt so very excited at the chance of creating all this for you. and then it just crossed my mind: what other reason could there be for you to just share all the small details with me like that, except if you never even saw me as a possible dating partner. it was devastating to me. like i was simply dumb enough to get carried away by my hopes. but then po kept encouraging me, insisting that i should be brave enough."
his left hand let go of dylan's and moved up to his face, cupping his cheek and removing the traces of tears. the silver-haired man could have sworn he felt something shake within himself from the simple touch. "just so you know, i wouldn't ever give your favorite flowers to anyone but you dylan." he continued while catching the last falling tears with his thumb. dylan felt his heart beat like crazy at the statement, his eyes lost in the other one's and his own hand gripping the other one's even tighter. "all of this is for you dylan." jun whispered to him, and he could nearly taste the spoken words on his lips. "only for you."
and then dylan simply couldn't hold himself back any longer. he released jun's hand, grabbing his cheeks instead, and with that smashed their lips together. it was probably a little too rough, too rushed and he clearly had caught the other one off guard at first. but soon enough he sensed how jun placed his free hand on his lower back, while he moved the other one from his cheek to the back of his head, trying to bring him even closer to himself, mouth moving against his own. yet somehow it wasn't enough for dylan. after everything they had missed out on the past months, he felt like he needed more, needed to be even closer to him, needed jun to taste every single one of his feelings. with these thoughts in mind, he deepened the kiss, tongue tracing the other one's soft lips and then slowly reaching inside, tongues touching and licking along all the spaces they could reach. he let one of his hands wander to the back of jun's head, lightly holding onto the hair at the bottom. meanwhile, jun, similarly seeming to need something to hold onto, something to ground him, gripped his hoodie, tightly grasping the fabric. they stayed like that for a bit, both of them basking in the moment, wanting to in- and exhale as many breaths, and share and take in as many feelings as possible between each other. when they slowly detached themselves from one another, both catching their breaths, jun gently leaned his forehead against his. his lips were a little swollen, his eyes almost overflown with emotions. and it was the most beautiful view dylan had ever been blessed enough to take in. he bit his lip for a second, attempting to fight off the big smile that was trying to capture his lips and then leaned in for another short and soft peck. jun smiled in response, hands cupping the other man's cheeks again. "you know what, i actually never kiss on the first date." he grinned and let his nose softly graze dylan's.
"shut up you idiot." he laughed loudly, eyes crinkling. and then. "oh god, i like you so much." he said, finally admitting out loud and letting the other one in on what he had been holding in all this time. he stepped forward a bit to place little kisses all over his chin, his cheeks, his nose. "you have no idea how much." he smiled softly and went in for another short kiss.
after the space between them had returned, jun just chuckled at his words. "oh i think i might have a bit of an idea." he replied and slightly winked, lifting his hand again to gently push a strand of his silver hair out of his face. then he grabbed his chin and mirrored the other one's actions from a few seconds, both pairs of lips meeting in a deeper kiss. "i had all my feelings written down in that letter, but i mean all it basically said is that i really really really like you too." he laughed when they parted again, dylan quickly joined in out of the pure joy and happiness of the moment. and then because everything still felt so overwhelming, he wrapped his arms around the other one, tightly pushing him against his chest. "and i'm really really really happy right now." jun hugged him back just as tightly, hands gently rubbing his back. "hm, and you have no idea how happy i really am." the word's were whispered into dylan's ear, vibrating throughout his whole body. and gosh really, he was so very happy.
a few minutes of shared warmth and happiness in the fluttering candlelight over the skyline of bangkok passed between them when jun softly disentangled himself from the embrace. "you know it's already so late and we still have a long list of movies left." he said, grabbing dylan's hand and pulling him toward the blanket. they both sat down, leaving almost no space between each other. jun quickly fixed up all the technical stuff, while dylan happily took the different food containers, tasting the self-cooked meal himself and feeding jun bites of food whenever he turned around to him. "you know what, i don't think we have to worry about the time. actually, i might have won us another day off for tomorrow." he said once jun had started the first movie and fully settled next to him. he giggled sweetly when he received a little peck as a thank you for that. "mmh, i think we're gonna be here all night then." jun grinned cheekily, wrapping his arm around the other man and pulling him closer to place his head on his own shoulder. "mmh, there is no place i'd rather be." he replied and pulled another blanket over their bodies. his hand reached out to jun's warm hand under the blanket, tightly holding onto it, like he never wanted to let him go again (he really didn’t). he smiled widely once he felt the other one placing a final kiss on the top of his head. dylan couldn’t believe that valentine’s day had been holding something as perfect as this for him in store. he couldn’t believe he got to sit next to jun like this, eat his favorite meal, watch his favorite movies, take in the wonderful atmosphere of the candles and the night. he couldn’t believe that he was really on the receiving end of jun’s love, and really the one to freely love him now, after he had forced himself to swallow it down for so long. now he could simply relish this night that jun had created for the both of them, simply be the one to touch his hand and kiss his lips, to savor all his warmth and closeness, cherish every emotion between them. maybe valentine’s day would be his favorite one now.
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pepper had just finished getting ready for the valentine's date with his girlfriend, lastly grabbing a jacket from his closet, his bag right by the door and the mysterious light blue envelope that jun had given them earlier. on his way to the front door he made a quick stop at dylan's room, knocking on the door and entering soon after, despite not hearing any noise of confirmation. it wasn't like dylan ever really reacted to that. "hey dylan." he said when entering the room. he saw the other one sit at his desk with headphones on and his back turned to him. he knew that sometimes dylan just had them on for the sake of it without actually listening to anything, so he decided to continue to speak anyways. "i'm supposed to give you this letter from jun. it seemed a little more serious, so maybe you wanna read it as soon as possible, okay?" he let his friend know and waited for any type of reaction. for a few seconds nothing was coming from the other one and pepper almost thought he was wrong about the headphones. but then he bopped his head a few times, simply nodding in acknowledgment to his words. "ok cool, i will just put it on your dresser here." this time he saw his group mate nod again way quicker than before, almost surprising pepper but he didn't have much time to ponder over it. he was close to running late if he didn't get out of the house like right now. "good i'm heading out, have a nice evening!" he smiled, knowing the other one wouldn't see it anyway and left the room.
unbeknownst to him, his little moment of doubt hadn't been so far-fetched. it was true that in eight out of ten cases, dylan just liked to wear the headphones without really using them. today though in almost too much of a bad coincidence, he had actually been listening to music with them, nodding along to the beats and not noticing his friend's presence nor any of his words to him. and the letter was simply left unread.