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“Feelings never do make sense. They get you all confused. then they drive you
around for hours before they drop you right back where you started.”― Blair Waldorf
Chanyeol could not have wished for a better way to conclude his first solo concert. He was surrounded by people who loved him and supported him and respected him as an artist. The noise that bounced within that large room was enough proof of how he was celebrated.
He let the cheers sink in, sucking in the energy his friends poured unto him.
And then he went out. Out the empty quiet streets without anyone noticing. Amid ballad songs playing in the karaoke and the cacophony of genuine laughter from his people, he chose to temporarily submerge into the stillness and coldness of mid-February night.
It was one after midnight, no moon in sight. It was just him, the heavy feeling, and the dimly lit frozen road.
Funny. The celebration was for him, yet he could not be fully happy. There was hollowness inside him, a slight discomfort that just wouldn’t go away. So, he tried to look for answers where no one was around.
It was inviting, the emptiness of the surroundings. It was inviting him to take the courage and finally admit what he was adamant to admit. But he was stubborn and did not want to give in to what his heart was expecting him to do. Maybe, he would grow out of this persistent tug at his chest, like at this moment, when he thought of him.
And maybe he did think about him a lot (no matter how hard and how consistently he denied it) because why would he be then seeing him walking towards him if not for the fact that his thoughts overflowed from his mind and conjured him right there and then, in flesh?
He slowed his pace, before stopping in his tracks. Opposite the way where he was standing, the figure he knew too well, in blue hoodie (his gift) and beanie, was taking bigger strides to reach him.
Eventually, he stopped as well at a safe distance. His chest heaved up and down, vapor coming out of his mouth every time he exhaled.
"Chan—yeol," he said his name, running out of breath. But Chanyeol thought he loved the way his lips curved to say his name, loved the sound of his name from his mouth.
He didn't respond. He couldn't possibly respond to an apparition his desperation conveniently made. That would be an admittance to his part, a seal that confirms his fear. The moment he acknowledged his presence, it will be as good as a confession.
"Chanyeol." He called again, waiting for his reply impatiently and when he didn't, the person in front of him breathed in exasperation. "Until when are you planning to treat me like I don't exist?" Were words naturally bitter? Because those that left his mouth were laden with disappointment.
"What are you doing here?" It wasn't his intention to be cold, nor dismissive, but the overwhelming fire in his chest was having trouble dealing with two conflicts: (1) he was upset at him for missing out on his last performance and missed him a lot, but (2) not like he used to miss his friend. It was a different kind of missing. It was more like longing.
A spark of guilt flickered in his boba eyes before he looked away, not meeting the 'disinterest' of his own pair.
Kyungsoo was trying to put on a brave face, but he knew him like how a poet recites his poetry, and he could tell he was going to crumble at any minute.
Chanyeol’s defence crumbled first.
The tightness in his chest and the tensed muscles around his neck and jaw loosened up, as his long limbs took only one giant step to shorten the distance separating them.
It was idiotic to keep denying when every breath he took, and every beat of his heart was only dedicated to Kyungsoo. He was fighting an impossibly impossible war that he created.
His attempts were feeble, knowing fully well that he had already lost even before the battle had started. The tiny man was a part of him, and it had long been established by the universe. He was a part needed to complete his incomplete moon.
The smaller's breathing hitched, suddenly aware of the other man’s distance just within his reach. As predicted, only a heartbeat passed before his best friend’s brown orbs swam in his tears. He cried months-worth of pain and uncertainty that sat inside him.
Chanyeol threw away any hesitations bubbling inside him and grabbed the man by his shoulders to pull him close to calm him down but the opposite happened. If anything, he snivelled louder, giving little attention to where they were. For a careful man like Kungsoo, this was a new side to him, yet his little quirks endeared him more to him than ever.
“Shhhh…shhh,” like a lullaby, he hummed comforting words to his ears. He must have been as confused and as directionless as he was, and it was selfish of him to assume that he was the only one affected by the shift to their relationship. He forgot that Kyungsoo, too, was going through the same phase. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Shhhhh…I wasn’t thinking straight.” He continued, while his hands rested on his back, stroking and patting him simultaneously.
His sobs turned a volume up, accompanied by a whine. “You. Are. An. Asshole.” His words muffled between the bulge of his chest, drowning in his cries.
He didn’t attempt to contradict him. He was an asshole, and he nodded in agreement. “ I was. And I still am. I’m so sorr—”
“Shut it and just hold me tight. You have a lifetime to make it up to me for all the bullshit you have put me through,” he dialogued, momentarily pausing from his wailing.
He sure did. He owed Kyungsoo a lot.
He owed it to him for not being man enough to recognise what was happening between them. He went around the elephant in the room, doing so much as avoiding him for the past months. Statistically, it was very doable. With them being under different management, dodging possible meet-ups was easy. Emotionally and mentally, it was hellish. Intentionally rejecting his calls and invitations to talk was a self-inflicted pain. To keep himself busy and to steer away his thoughts from him, he hit the gym more than he should and surrounded himself with other friends—that way he could ensure he didn't lose his mind and just drive to wherever Kyungsoo was.
Confronting him was stupid and out of the question when he could not even confront his own feelings. What was he going to do after meeting him? He had no plans, no answers, much more clarity of thoughts to discuss with him.
Kyungsoo was the first one to say the unspeakable truth. His small friend had more balls to make clear what the fuck was going on. “I think I am starting to fall in love with you,” he told him one day while they were sitting on his couch, blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall. “I don’t know where and when and how, but I know I don’t love you like how I used to.”
There was undeniably fear in his eyes, but he overlooked that, wrapped up in his own realisation that punched him in the gut. He was dizzy. And the only thought he had at that moment was the desperation to be far away from Kyungsoo.
He left him there sitting on his beige couch, calling after his name as he cowardly escaped the thickening tension filling up the living room of his friend, and did so for the next couple of months
How dare he leave the burden to him, even expecting his friend to still be there on his special day, after leaving him to deal with the vagueness of their situation. Kyungsoo was right. Even a lifetime wasn’t enough to make it up to him.
He had so many worries but being there with Kyungsoo’s pocket-sized figure encased in his embrace, he wondered where the hesitations came from when it felt so right just being this close to him. It was foolish of him to second-guess what they have when it was so easy just giving into his feelings rather than fighting it off.
“Please stop crying. I hate to see you cry,” he said when he met his eyes, red from bawling but expressive, nonetheless. He searched for what his heart says in those brown orbs, and it was as clear as day. Every speck of colour and every tiny nerve spoke of his love for him, and if only to make him feel assured, his eyes mirror the same, if he also searched for them in his.
“...but left me all alone for a few months to cry on my own.” There he was. Back in his element. God, he was stupid for even considering not being with him, when his heart ached to be near him.
“I’m sorry.” What else could he say? “I’ll make it up to you every second, every minute of our lives.”
“I forgive you.” He finally smiled, disarming him with his lips which form the symbol of love. He raised his right hand and only then did he notice the three flower stems. “This is for you. I’m sorry I missed your performance and even your after-party. But in my defence, you did not invite me to either,” he pouted slightly. “I only learned from Jongin that the company threw a party for you. I left my dinner party to get you these flowers,” he explained, playing with the blue paper wrapper. “I would have been here an hour ago, but I got caught up in a road accident.”
“It doesn’t matter. You being here, at this moment, is perfect.”
He let out a shy smile. Maybe it will take them a while to get used to them being this intimate with each other. That was expected, but he also knew it wouldn't take too long.
Smiling back, he fished his car keys from his pocket and handed them out to Kyungsoo. “Did you drink?” The man shook his head. “Great. Let’s get out of here. You drive,” he said in his puppy dog voice as he guided Kyungsoo to where he parked his car.
“How about you?” he inquired, following behind the man that he wanted to spend forever with.
The big man’s shoulder shook as he chuckled, amused with the situation. “I drowned myself in alcohol after discovering that you did not show up during my performance.”
“You did not invite me, you fool,” Kyungsoo answered, eyes crinkling from defiance.
Chanyeol could only look at him. He did not say anything. Words were not needed between them because their hearts had been connected for longer than they could ever imagine.
In the quietness and coldness of the night, Kyungsoo drove off away from the bustling city lights of Seoul. With the love of his life sitting beside him. To where they’re going? It didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was they were together.
⊹︵︵︵ ⊹ 𝄞 ⊹ ︵︵︵ ⊹ T H E E N D ⊹︵︵︵ ⊹ 𝄞 ⊹ ︵︵︵ ⊹