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Across the table from me is my closest friend and confidant. From the day I met him, he has been full of life and simply the best person I was lucky enough to meet. Being near him is all I need to make my day brighter, fuller somehow. And yet, I wanted more.
This wasn’t a new feeling.
By now, we’ve known each other for years, going on life threatening missions that only brought us closer together. Even our mundane habits began overlapping at some point. We eat together, just as we are now, only a few feet apart, his food gone much faster than my own as he has what I'm sure is a bottomless hole for a stomach. He has a white pillow on my bed, a bar of soap in my shower(Just that, he has yet to bring anything else for cleanliness and I am beginning to wonder if I should be more worried), hell, we practically live together. About a year or so ago, I cleaned out a few drawers in my dresser for him. I like having him here, in my space, in my bathroom, and bed. The only time Natsu went to his own cabin were when we had fights, which was rare, or when either of us got too overwhelmed to be in each other’s space.
More often than not when that did happen, I’d fall into bed alone, only to stay up until he climbed in next to me, a whispered Sorry, Luce in my ear before we settled against each other. I always respond right back with an apology, because no matter who started the fight, we both deserve to feel respected and cared for. (And I could get loud even if I wasn’t exactly mad.) Life is calm and filled with light. But it isn’t exactly right.
Natsu is essentially my life partner, but it’s still not enough for me.
I must have a look on my face because the man in question asked, “You okay, Luce?” My eyes focus on him, and it’s only then I realize I’ve been staring over his shoulder for who knows how long. He tilts his head at me, the lights above hitting just right to see the almost yellow highlights at the very tips of his hair. It’s one of my favorite features of his, a part of his physical traits that match mine, just as my guild mark matches him.
A smile is thrown at him, carefully curated to appear collected to the one person who might see through it. A childhood filled with fake smiles, conversations, emotions, and what not has allowed me to perfect my outward appearance. Yet, Natsu somehow ignores what I try to cover up in many cases. This one is no different.
“Of course,” I say. “There’s a girl’s day tomorrow, and you know how we can get when we get together.” A shrug. “Someone inevitably breaks down in tears over their relationship, especially now that the younger girls are old enough to care.” We started inviting them when they hit the age of sixteen and were more independent. It’s actually been a hoot to have them join, especially since Erza, Mira, Juvia, Cana, Levy, and I poked at them when we got slightly drunk.
I even really like it when someone has relationship issues, because it means they stop poking at me and my lack of. On top of my own feelings, it’s a struggle to add theirs to the situation and not have a breakdown due to the expectations that may never get fulfilled.
He nods along, as if he fully understands what teenage girls are like when crushes get involved. Natsu does love Wendy, though, and makes sure to spend time with her, so maybe he does. A man of many talents, he is.
“D’you stress about it this much usually?” Natsu stands and clears the plate, rubbing his nose against my hair when he bends down to take mine from the table. One of his weird quirks, I assume. The other girls think it’s a sign, but I remember him telling me my scent is calming to him, so I refuse to look at it any closer. Blue nail polish decorates his nails, remnants from his last interaction with Wendy and Carla. The two wanted to practice and had run out of room on their own. Natsu forced them into my face afterward to ask how long the polish lasts.
I refused to tell him about nail polish remover because I knew the girls would appreciate seeing him wear it for a few days. Gray, of course, mocked him for it. That is, until Juvia reminded him she had access to both polish and his nails when he was sleeping.
Now, the two match and not another word has been spoken about it since.
“No. These days, most have finally settled down, not counting the teens.” I slump over the table, blowing out a breath. “They’re either married, have kids, or too young for either.” Except me. Single and unwilling to mingle with anyone who doesn’t have pink hair, dragon tendencies, and lives with me. I am truly too picky. Behind me, Natsu turns the water on, cleaning the dishes. We stay silent for a few moments, enjoying just being near each other. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a hot head, but he’s recently been having more moments such as this. I love just being near him with no expectations.
The domesticity seems to calm him down, giving him a reprieve where there is no need to be on the defensive. He can sit in his thoughts for a bit. It’s a change of pace for him, and it shows. His entire body stills, the jitteriness nowhere to be seen. Even his hair looks calmer, somehow, less sharp and bright. The first few time I saw it, I worried he was getting sick and ran straight to Gajeel to ask how to fix it.
The only answers I got were raised eyebrows and a muttered, “finally,” before he told me it happens as dragon slayers mature and settle. I was given no other choice but to believe him, though I've yet to see any negative side effects, so what did I know.
I feel the air shift as Natsu moves behind me, his heat sinking into my skin as he rests his hands on my shoulders, his chin meeting the top of my head. It’s very comforting.
“Then it seems there’s nothing to worry about, Lucy.” God, I even like the way he says my name. As if it means something to him. Which is stupid, I know I’m important. Again, the man basically lives with me. And yet…
“Probably not,” I agree with a pat to one of his hands, my own lingering a bit. To catch the warmth, is what I plan to say should I be called out, “Even Erza has it figured out, and she was the one we all stressed the most about.” Jellal is now a well respected member of the guild, and highly devoted to his wife. Their past is largely ignored, due to the desire for them to be happy together. Erza is visibly glowing and now everyone is just happy for them.
“But you’re still anxious?”
I tilt my head back a bit to look at him. His eyes are just so damn soft when they look at me. Make me feel all tingly inside.
“Well…” I drag the word out. The issue is that everyone else has it figured out and the girls have made it their life’s mission to help me. They’re convinced it’s my turn. My turn to date and marry and live happily ever after with prince charming, whoever that may be. Natsu patiently waits me out, his presence warm and comforting. His thumbs start rubbing along the back of my neck. “They think-it seems-the girls-” I stop, unsure how to say this to him, if I even should. What will he think?
They want me to date, and have even begun trying to push men onto me in an effort to draw me out, to figure out the type of person I’m interested in. But I like my life as it is. I love that Natsu is my person and I don’t want to replace him, unsure if that’s something I could even do. No one else is like him. Whether we ever become more or not is irrelevant. He’s it for me and I don’t want to even pretend otherwise. The girls either haven’t caught on or are ignoring it completely.
What if I tell him and he decides to make room in my life for someone else? What if he takes it to mean he’s not enough for me?
Thinking about the what ifs causes my heart to hurt. I don’t want anything to change, hence the anxiety over the interference of girl’s night.
I force my head to turn from him, needing to not see his eyes. “They keep trying to set me up with people and I don’t know how to tell them to stop without hurting their feelings.” There. It’s out. His thumbs still. “Now that they’re married and having kids, they want me to have it, too. I know it’s not from a mean place, but that’s not…” I don’t even know how to explain it to the man who I do want that all with. But that means jack squat when he doesn’t feel the same. And that’s where the problem begins and ends.
Natsu huffs and wraps his arms around my shoulders, providing a well-needed hug. The smell of warm smoke waft from him, the scent of safety and home. “Okay, then let’s talk about this.” I blink. “Do you want to get married?” I think I just had a heart attack.
My neck twists to try to look back at him, but his arms tighten, making it impossible.
“That’s not the issue,” I try to start.
“Do you?”
“It’s not that-” Again, he cuts me off.
“Lucy.”
I drop my head, my chin on one of his arms. “I’d get married if my partner, who loved me, asked me to because he couldn’t imagine spending another moment without being bound to me,” I answer truthfully. “Not because my friends felt it was simply time for me to do so with the first person to come along and look at me.”
Natsu nods along my head.
“What about kids? Ever thought of having some?”
That is one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had with him, and I once had to talk him through Wendy’s menstrual cycle.
“I don’t know. I think I’d like to, but I want to do it for the right reasons.” I want to be better than my own parents, though Mom gets a pass on that. I want to raise a kid with a man I love, not due to some feeling of duty or legacy. No kid deserves anything less than that.
My mind drifts to Nashi, Edolas’s version of Natsu and Lucy’s kid. She is a perfect mix, though Natsu’s genes certainly overpower the Heartfilia’s in the color department. It’s hard not to think of her. I wonder what Natsu thought about her, if he ever imagines our own Nashi.
“Okay.” He gives me one more squeeze before stepping back. I can’t turn and look at him. Because I only want that future with him and at no point in our friendship has he hinted at the ability or desire to romantically love another person, much less me.
I hear him walk to the dresser and slide open the drawer that I emptied out for him. Not a single part of me knows what he hides in there.I actively try to make a point never to go through his stuff in an effort for him to feel comfortable leaving valuables here. It’s been assumed that there are clothes and other necessities in there for him.
The scrape of wood on wood, though, smashes that assumption. When I manage to pull my head toward him, a small wooden box is being lifted up. There doesn’t seem to be anything special about the box, the simple dark wood looking smooth to the touch. As Natsu turns back to bring it to the table, I catch a blush on his cheekbones and his forefinger starts fidgeting against the wood.
I stay silent, not wanting to disrupt whatever he’s doing. He’s never shown or informed of this, so it has to be something important to him. And I want to know everything about him, like a dragon hoarding treasure. Natsu is mine, and so are his secrets.
He sets it on the table in front of me, reverently sliding his palm against the top. Whatever this is, it means a lot to him. I feel honored just to be in the same room as it, despite the fact that it has been stored in my own dresser.
“Dragons tend to hoard stuff that means a lot to them,” Natsu states. A snicker nearly left my mouth, as I just thought along the same lines. His eyes bore into my own, clearly trying to make sure I understand everything he is saying. “Sometimes, that stuff includes little meaningless things that can be used as substitutes for the real, unattainable thing.” This is new. He never talks to me about his whole hoard. Of course, I know about his trinkets from missions he’s kept from over the years, and Happy has hinted about other stuff that Natsu is very hush hush over, but this is new.
Is that his secret stash?
“I didn’t know what I was doing at first. Sometimes, I would just feel compelled to collect something that had no meaning to me at all. When it kept happening, I finally felt worried I was doing something wrong, that maybe my dragon senses were broken or something.” He fiddles with the box lid, never quite opening it. “When I met Gajeel, he caught me and I was able to finally get some answers. Apparently,” He takes a breath and hunches his shoulders a bit. Natsu truly looks like he needed a hug, but it’s also clear he needs to say this. “when dragons meet a potential…mate, they tend to want to surround themselves with similar things.”
My brows furrow. Mate? That’s a new concept to me. Levy’s never mentioned it to me, not once. Is this something I could look into at the library?
“When you say similar things , what do you mean? Actually,” I change directions, “what’s a mate? Your definition, at least.”
Natsu shifts in his chair. “Well…” This feets familiar. “Dragons tend to mate for life, one person who is felt to complete them in all aspects. Friend, family, partner, confidant, the one person they can’t imagine living without. It can be either platonic or romantic, but it is always life partners. Once mated, that’s it.” I nod along.
Is he trying to imply that we’re platonic mates? Well isn’t that a kick in the gut. My fingers push some hair out of my face as I think over his words. Better than nothing, I suppose. It also becomes a good excuse to never date again. Sorry, girls, but my platonic best friend who has forever mated me as a friend is at home, waiting for me. While he’d never get jealous, he will definitely come looking for me if I don’t return. Toodles! Yeah, even I cringe a bit at that.
“How do you know?”
“Know who my mate is?”
I change the wording. “Who a potential mate is. Or, how do you choose?”
His eyes narrow, in thought, I assume. “It differs on the dragon and the needs of both mates. Again, Gajeel had to also walk me through this, so it’s all based on memories and theories.” He shrugs, looking uncomfortable. “I’ve never had one before. Happy was the only person I had ever felt comfortable around for long periods of time. Gray and Erza, as close as we were, it was hard to be around them for long periods of time. I liked being alone just as much as I liked being around people.”
“And I was alone despite wanting to be around others.”
He nods. “You wanted companionship and I wanted someone to be alone with, even when surrounded by people I cared about. When we met, you wanted my guild and I was happy to have made a friend.” He finally reaches into the box, not fully opening it, but seeming to find what he wants despite that. Between his thumb and forefinger is a small pebble, hints of yellow when caught in the bright light. He sets it in front of me. “Between the time we had lunch and meeting again on that boat, I was kicking this and I couldn’t not put it in my pocket. It made no sense, but I had to have it.” Reaching into the box again, he pulls out a key. It’s small, more bronze than gold, and clearly dented in places. He places it next to the pebble. “This was on a shelf from one of the first missions, in that library you were so excited about.”
Every part of me wants to touch them, but it feels wrong to. This is his private collection, and to show it to me must mean something incredibly important.
“A potential mate is only potential until feelings are involved. Had we not met again and I dragged you here, you would have remained only as an option for that moment. By keeping the pebble and bringing you here, I chose by keeping you in my life and interfering with yours.”
“Natsu…” I don’t know what to say.
“The issue arose when you died.” My head rears back, my breath caught in my throat. His eyes stay on the pebble in front of him, unwavering as he continues. “During the Grand Magic Games, future you died in front of me, protecting you.” His voice is so soft, sad. “Nothing I did was going to bring her back. I became a little…obsessive with my treasure. Anything that reminded me of you came home with me. This,” he points toward the box, “is only one of a much larger collection. That’s how Gajeel caught me. I was quite literally in a ditch because I thought I saw a rock that matched your eye color but none of them were right so I kept searching, causing us to be late. Thankfully, that was a mission you hadn’t gone on.” He gives me small smile, humored despite the heaviness of the topic.
Okay. Okay, so we’re mates. Right? Is there something I have to do on my end?
I am also really excited and relieved to know he is obsessed with me, but I’m trying not to look too into it for fear of delusion.
And he has more of them? I want to see all the boxes, everything that made him need some part of me to own. As a substitute for the unattainable thing .
I sit forward, hoping. “Can I look through this?” My voice is soft. This box and its content are extremely important to him, I understand that. While he may be able to talk about it to me, actually showing me is a whole other thing.
He hesitates briefly before nodding, pushing it forward.
With awe, I tip the lid back. It contains a variety of things, both made and natural. I’m able to see a torn piece of paper, colored with age, Lucy scribbled on it in what looked to be Gramps’ handwriting. Another key peeks out from under a small blue ribbon. Rocks and pebbles look to be the main type of treasure, though, a mix of colors mainly consisting of soft yellow and dark brown. A pink catches my eye, causing me to dig out a small crystal from the pile. It’s the size of my thumbnail. A mixture of pink and yellow play across the surface.
“That was found on Tenrou island, right before everything happened. We had separated from each other, and you looked so happy to be included, joining in our fun that I realized that I always wanted you to have what you want.”
I swallow a lump in my throat at the admission.
“How…” I try again. “How do I choose you?” His eyes are already on me when I look at him. “You chose me. How do I?” He slowly smiles at me, sincerity lighting up his face.
“Come here.”
Leaving everything else, I keep the small crystal and make my way to his seated position, unsure what he wants. Once I’m within arm's distance, he places his palms on either side of my waist and pulls me onto his lap. I end up sideways, one arm around his shoulder and the other in my own lap, clenching the stolen item.
“You want to choose me?” So softly, I almost don’t hear him. I lean my head against his neck, breathing in his scent.
“I chose you the moment I made my guild mark pink, Natsu.” Need to point that out to him. “How do I do it for you?”
My best friend shakes as he chuckles, his hand playing with mine. “Well, I’m going to need to take this treasure from you, first of all.” He playfully tries to open my hand up, but I hold steady.
“Nope, it’s mine now. Finder’s keeper and all that,” I giggle against him.
“Well,” he sighs, moving his hand to my thigh. Butterflies erupt at the touch. “I’ll need it to make a stone for your ring, but if you want to pick something else…” he purposefully trails off. “I guess we can look through the others to find something, but that was my favorite.” A dramatic sigh escapes him while I am stuck on his words.
“A ring?” I pull away to make sure I see his face.
“When you’re ready, you will choose me by wearing my ring and my scent for the rest of your life.” The look we share between us is filled with possibilities and years of things unsaid.
“Really?” It would be everything I want. Just like that.
A hand lifts to my face, his thumb tracing my eyebrow, nose, finally my lips. He leans in close, breathing me in like I am doing to him, a pleased look in his eyes.
“All you have to do is ask, Lucy, and I will give you anything.”