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“your majesty.”
the guard stops at the base of the throne, urgency laced in his voice as he bows before me. the boy is young, barely old enough to be a lightseeker. i spare him a passing glance and set the novel in my hand on the side table with a sigh. the light in the throne room is near blinding from the morning sun as i meet his eyes.
“yes?”
“the lightseekers asked me to deliver a report on their behalf.” he swallows nervously. “t-the backtrackers—they’ve returned.”
a devilish mix of emotions churn in my stomach—surprise, excitement, and the betrayal of relief to hear that they’ve made it home safely.
that he’s made it home safely.
“consult with the palace staff to arrange their welcome dinner this evening. i will address them formally then. i’d like a full report of their findings and their status—each of them.”
“yes, your majesty.”
the young boy runs off into the palace halls, and i release the breath i hadn’t realized i’d been holding. the thought of him in philos once more, standing before me as if he’d not been gone for two centuries releases a mix of emotions i hadn’t felt in years. as if we were novice lightseekers in training still, sparring in the school courtyard for everyone to see.
as much as i yearned to feel his hand in mine again for the first time in forever, there were so many unanswered questions that sat at the pit of my stomach. why was he gone for so long? how difficult was his quest to find an alternative energy source for philos? what had he been doing? was he alright? the questions battled with one another as i rose from the throne, a dizzying sensation in my mind as i strode mindlessly to my chambers to prepare for the evening.
* * *
the maids lead me to the main banquet room at the center of the castle halls, fidgeting with my hair and gown and all else as the guards prepare to announce my arrival. i hear the chatter in the dining room settle as the sound of my heartbeat thrums against my eardrums.
the gilded doors swing open as i enter, a dozen pairs of eyes fixated on my every move as i glide across the marble floors with my head held high. they raise from their chairs to bow obediently, a gesture i quickly shut down with a wave of my hand as i approach the tallest chair at the head of the table. each of them dons their lightseeker uniform, adorned with medals of honor and strength in intricate patterns along their lapels.
he sits among them, three down on the left near the center of the table. he’s the only one whose gaze does not meet mine, intently focused on the bottle of wine before him. the urge in me to send the rest of his team off into the night and drag him to my quarters to demand answers gnaws at my insides, a feeling that grows incredibly hard to ignore as i settle into my seat before them.
“i am pleased to welcome each and every one of you home to philos,” i enunciate, fixating on the iridescent sapphire eyes that drown in mine. “your mission is critical to the health of our planet and our people. i recognize that you all have much lost time to make up for.” another pitiful gaze in my direction. “and i urge you to prioritize rest, restoration, and regeneration. i look forward to your findings and hope to collaborate with you on returning prosperity to our home in the coming days. but until then—” i raise my glass. “please drink and eat to your heart’s content.”
time passes quickly, the room filled with lighthearted conversation and a barrage of questions on what the team had missed in philos over the last two centuries. i share an abridged version of the past events, changes among nobility and the health of our people and our economy. i don’t lie to them—philos is struggling, even with the support i can provide in sustaining the planet’s core while they hunted for an alternative energy source.
my body had grown weaker in recent years, beaten and battered by running energy trials with our guards to stimulate the planet’s core. energy was critical for our planet’s ecosystem, no matter how it was obtained. i’d learned that lesson long ago, when i was at the edge of a blade where my life was considered an even exchange for an immortal energy supply.
he was the only one that sought to protect me from that fate, placing this crown on my head and his power in my hands so that no one could take me away from him. yet somehow, he was the same one that disappeared without a trace for two hundred years. the fact that he sat just several seats away from me, unscathed and in seemingly perfect health, filled me with an irrational sense of rage.
he had no right to be perfectly fine when he was gone for two hundred years. no right to sit there before me, enjoying his dinner and laughing with his teammates while i had been trapped in this sterile castle for two hundred years. bound to this throne—no, shackled. regardless, i mind my tongue and finish dinner peacefully.
the evening passes without a hitch, team members retiring to their base as conversation slows to a lull. the gentle clink of dinnerware onto rolling carts signals the end of our meal, coaxing me out into the palace halls where i bid goodbye to the remaining lightseekers. he stays behind, as expected of their captain.
“should we go somewhere and talk?” he asks, and i raise an eyebrow.
“about?” i reply in question, as though there weren’t two centuries of conversations to have.
“don’t be like that,” he mutters, shame flickering across his face for a brief moment as he looks out into the courtyard gardens. the same gardens where we’d run off to and hide from our training sessions. “you know we have plenty to talk about.”
“you know where to go, then,” i reply, gesturing down the hall towards the den where we’d study during our school days. he leads the way, not a beat skipped as the former crown prince of philos. he strides the halls like a natural, nothing like the way i subconsciously counted each step i’d take in these halls.
with a swift order to the nearest guard to ensure that we were not to be disturbed, i lock the door behind us and watch as he taps his hands nervously against the surface of the oak desk at the center of the room. i watch his movements like a hawk, arms crossed over my chest as he glances out the windows into the night.
“… i thought about you every day.” xavier finally meets my gaze, though it’s nothing like the look he’d given me during dinner. this was the same as the boy i’d fallen in love with, many moons ago. “you have to know that.”
“i don’t think i do,” i answer bitterly, approaching him with slow, deliberate strides. he looks pathetic, eyebrows furrowed as he pines for my sympathy. “does the deepspace tunnel no longer allow for correspondence on mission updates? were the backtrackers an exception?”
“no, but it wasn’t as easy as you’d think,” he replies softly, reaching for me as i crane away from his touch. “jeremiah and i worked day in and day out on finding a way to regenerate the backtrackers fleet so we could be up and running again.”
“and what were you doing in the meantime?” i ask, eyes scanning his face for any signs of injury—something that i couldn’t avoid doing even when i wanted to hate him.
he explains cautiously, the tale of jeremiah finding a side job running a shop to make passive income while he hunted for protocores that would mimic the heart of philos. he joined something called a ‘hunter’s association’ in an attempt to extract energy sources and preserve them for future study here on philos. it sounded as though much of them had lost touch with one another, growing comfortable with their lives in the past version of our planet and the opportunity to start over.
“why did you come back, then?” i ask abruptly, causing xavier to widen his eyes in surprise. leaning against the desk, i clasp my hands in my lap. “what stopped you from staying there and starting over like everyone else that chose to do so?”
xavier chews on his bottom lip, deep in thought for a moment as he struggles to find the right words to say. he finally presses his hand over mine, warm to the touch and unmoving as he holds my gaze.
“i will always find my way back to you. in this lifetime and every other.”
“so you’ve finally forgotten about the girl that gave you that star tassel when we were younger?” i joke, albeit terrible timing. xavier scoffs, tightening his grip on my hands as if i were about to slip out from under his palm.
“two hundred years and you still know how to hold a grudge, i see,” he chuckles, pressing a chaste kiss to my forehead. such a small gesture, but one that ignited a fire within me that i thought had died the second the backtrackers had entered the deepspace tunnel.
“it’s been so hard for so long,” i finally choke out, ashamed by the way i was crumbling under his touch. “philos—i-it’s dying. people are looking for answers, and i don’t know how long we have—”
xavier’s face pales, realization setting in from the desolate planet he’d left behind. he nods, a dry swallow following as he pulls me into an embrace. he still smells like nectarine blossom, the scent enveloping me as i bury my face into his chest. it’s almost as if i need to in an attempt to remind myself that he’s real, that he’s actually standing in front of me in this moment.
“we’re going to fix everything. i promise.”
several weeks pass, the remaining lightseekers working tirelessly to analyze the protocores they’d retrieved during their expedition and record their abilities to produce enough energy to sustain philos. so far, it seemed as though they had been unsuccessful. xavier would visit me at the throne room daily, offering updates on their findings and staying with me for dinner. it was admittedly awkward at first, a strange sort of distance between us as we navigated being in each other’s company after so long.
randomly, xavier would reference something that happened during his time in the past—something happening at jeremiah’s flower shop, lunar new year celebrations in linkon city, a cat café he visited often with his partner from work. i’d smile and nod encouragingly, asking to hear more despite the pang of jealousy that clipped at my chest. whether or not he regretted returning to philos falling apart, i didn’t know.
and i was too afraid to ask.
with how often xavier had been frequenting the castle, i offered to arrange for him to return to his old chambers. ever since he’d left, i’d made sure no one used the crown prince’s room for anything—everything was to remain exactly as it was. and, it did. despite protest, i urged xavier to return home so that he could be more comfortable—under the impression that he would be able to coordinate philos’ regeneration with me more efficiently, of course.
the maids hurried after me in a panic as i helped the guards carry more of xavier’s belongings into his chambers, calling after me to take care of myself and leave it to the castle staff. i shrugged them off, hair tossed into a familiar ponytail as i wiped the sweat off of my forehead with a huff. xavier and i had turned it into a bit of a competition, who could carry the most trunks in the shortest amount of time.
“i still think you lost,” xavier huffs, hands on his knees as he hunched over to catch his breath.
“and i think you’re still a sore loser,” i quip, falling back onto his bed with a deep sigh. his sheets were the same—quilted with gold and navy stitching. he glances over at me and i laugh with an attempt to sit up. “i hate to admit it, but having you around will bring some life back into this castle—if not to the rest of philos.”
his faces flushes again, a strained expression torn between wanting to keep teasing and remembering the gravity of our situation now that they were back. i clear my throat, moving to the boxes that sat atop his dresser. he follows me, sifting through the smaller packages that had been stacked together.
“why don’t we start putting these away?” i ask, reaching for a box at the top. xavier suddenly reaches for my hands, rubbing at his eyes dramatically.
“but we’ve done so much already. i think we deserve a nap,” he mumbles, trying to tug me towards the bed once more. i ignore him, shuffling out of his grip with another laugh.
“don’t be lazy!” i scold, about to grab the box again. “the faster we finish, the faster we can rest.”
“let me do that one,” he urges, trying to stretch past me. i snake beneath his reach, clutching the box to my chest in one swift motion and tumbling around him. his expression falters as he fails to grab it from me in time, watching as i climb onto his bed and tear it open excitedly.
“what’s with the evasiveness?” i tease, prodding at the contents and laying them out on the bed one by one. a bunny plush, a rewards card for a restaurant, a pack of playing cards covered in cats. most of the items seemed to be silly mementos of his time in the past, something i’d wholly expect from xavier. “these are quite cute.”
“had enough?” he asks, a strange twinge of relief in his voice as he’s about to reach for the box again.
“wait—i think something else is at the bottom,” i note, setting aside everything else as i pull out a lilac envelope housing a letter in xavier’s handwriting. “what’s this…?”
… everything about you becomes clear. your sorrow, your joys, your body and even your soul. from the moment we first met, i treasure these moments in the depths of my heart. they always shine brilliantly.
in the envelope, nestled next to the letter, was a thin silver ring adorned with the symbol on xavier’s sword.
“what is this?” i turn to xavier in genuine curiosity, unable to decipher what i had just read. xavier is pale, averting my gaze as he silently begins to pack away all of the things i’d removed from the box. a sickening feeling settles in my stomach, my mouth dry and my ears ringing.
“i told you to let me do this one,” he mumbles under his breath, still avoidant as he tears the letter from my hands and tosses the box aside. “it’s nothing.”
“nothing?” i scoff, sliding off of the bed and cornering him against the wall near the dresser. “what kind of nothing warrants this kind of response?”
“it doesn’t matter,” xavier scowls, fingers tightly clutching to the envelope in hand. the lilac envelope with the love letter. the lilac envelope with the silver band.
“doesn’t matter?” reaching for his wrist, i yank it so that the letter sits between us. “tear it apart then.”
“w-what?”
“tear it apart,” i growl, eyes shooting daggers into his. “tear it to shreds, if it’s really nothing.”
xavier swallows, prying my fingers off of his wrist as he sets the letter onto the dresser with a huff. we stare at one another in an uncomfortable silence, one that hangs heavy in the room as neither of us know what to say in the moment.
“did you want to find your way back to me?” i finally ask, referencing his line from when we’d first reunited with a strain in my voice. “or, did you just have to?”
“it’s not like that and you know it,” xavier scolds, an obvious hurt in his voice.
“do i?”
everything comes crashing down on us in that single moment. years of unspoken attraction, years of worrying for one another before it all fell silent the moment he set foot into that deepspace tunnel. two hundred years of sitting on that cold, hard throne—waiting for the moment he returned. knowing that the only reason i sat on that throne was not because i was deserving, but because xavier so badly wanted to prove to me that he could save this planet all on his own and protect me in the same breath.
somewhere in those two hundred years, his priorities were clearly misaligned.
“it’s not like that,” he repeats, his voice steady and controlled as he holds onto my wrists and gestures for me to sit back on the bed. my body moves on its own, lifeless and robotic as i follow his motions in silence. time moves slowly, nothing feeling real as the room closes in around us.
someone else was holding his hand all this time. someone else whose heart he wanted so badly to protect. someone else that heard his voice in the morning. someone else that he was able to have so many firsts with. someone else that kept him from coming home for so many years.
xavier begins to pace back and forth, evidently torn as i recognize the pain in his eyes. his voice crack with the weight of everything he’d been holding back, taking a deep breath to meet my gaze.
“i—i don’t even know where to start. i don’t want to hurt you, but i can’t lie to you.” i raise an eyebrow and he takes it as a sign to continue. he rubs his face with a sigh, visibly struggling to find the words. i almost feel sorry for him. “when i went through the deepspace tunnel … i had one goal in mind. finding an alternative to preserve philos. to protect you. but i—i didn’t expect it. finding her.” he looks over at me pitifully. “finding you.”
my heart pounds violently against my ribcage, confusion etched across my face as i tried to make sense of his explanation. my mind sifts through my limited understanding of deepspace voyages, beyond the lightseeker expeditions i had hoped to join in this lifetime. xavier had explained it in passing many times when we were still in school, the idea that travel across time throughout the deepspace would cause us to encounter multiple versions of ourselves in alternate realities.
even in another lifetime, he had found me.
“when i found this alternate version of you, it was like … seeing you again for the first time. without the burden of everything that was happening.” he swallows, leaning back against the dresser and slumping onto the ground in defeat. his voice wavers as he tries to hold back the emotions flooding through him. “you didn’t know all the pain, the things that were coming. and i hated myself for craving that, but it felt so real. knowing that there was a possibility out there where the world wasn’t falling apart, even for a little while.”
the room is deadly silent after his confession. he stares up at me with wide, pleading eyes, as if he’s begging me to say something—anything—to break the tension. my body feels unreal as i struggle to process everything, eyes still fixated on the lilac envelope sat atop the dresser. i finally force myself to look at xavier, feeling my heart shatter at the expression on his face.
“you think falling in love with another version of me is something i’m supposed to just … understand? accept?” i mentally curse at the way my voice trembles in response, partly from the betrayal clawing at my stomach and the disappointing urge to console him.
“i never meant for this to happen, to hurt you,” xavier begs, desperation painted across his features as he continues in that soft, gentle voice of his. “i’m just … telling you the truth. i don’t even know what to do in a situation like this.”
“stop.”
a deep breath steadies me, filling my lungs and easing the pain in my chest as i collect my thoughts. the initial shock wavers, replaced with a desperate attempt of my own to piece together his explanation so that i could respond.
“i would never sit here and tell you that this doesn’t hurt me. that would be a disservice to myself. it hurts more than i can put into words, xavier.” my gaze darkens as it meets his, my voice steadier than before. “you found a part of me that was lucky enough to not be weighed down by everything that’s happened to us. and in some ways, i understand. but loving an idea of who i am and loving who i am in front of you, right now, are two very different things.” i swallow dryly, thinking through my next words carefully. “i can’t imagine how i go about forgiving a thing like this, but i do know that … i don’t want to lose you. not again.”
xavier moves to stand up, some semblance of relief washing over him as he collapses onto his knees with his head in his hands. as much as i want to pull him into my arms, i know that the hurt relentlessly running through my body would not allow me to.
“i meant it when i said i will always come back to you,” he answers in a hushed voice. i glance down at him, the defenses i fought to keep up crumbling by the second. “no matter what happens, i am yours.”
“then prove it,” i order, lowering myself to meet his gaze as i take his face in my hands.
“in this lifetime and in every other.”