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Against all odds, Sung Hanbin and Zhang Hao “met” over the Youtube comment section of the music video of Gfriend’s Me Gustas Tu. Hanbin had responded to haobao’s comment—in choppy Korean declaring how much he loved the song and the music video—by agreeing with their assessment.
It’s been so long that neither of them would be able to really recall how it really happened, but this is what they could agree on: after the initial post and response, the two of them started replying back and forth until the comment thread became too long that Hanbin figures the natural next step is to ask this unexpected new online friend for their Kakaotalk ID so they could continue the conversation. In response, haobao shyly explains he only had WeChat.
beeen_613: hi haobao! this is bin from youtube? i hope this is the right account!
haobao: hi bin!! >< please excuse my extremely slow typing because i’m still learning korean
beeen_613: you’re not korean? your korean is so good though!
haobao: AH that makes me happy because i’m always trying to do better with my korean. please tell me if i said or typed something wrong ok?
beeen_613: ofc haobao! i would love to help just let me know if you have any questions too!
haobao: also, bin! please call me hao! baobao is actually the name of our new puppy and they’re adorable!!!
haobao: [attached is a photo of a cute puppy lying on the floor besides a pair of legs]
haobao: isn’t baobao adorable??
beeen_613: AAAAAHHHH so cute!
beeen_613: i love puppies omg baobao is so cute please send me lots of photos of baobao!
beeen_613: and you said you were born 2000?
haobao: i will certainkly send you lots of photos of baobao!
haobao: [photo of baobao lying on their back, paws up in the air]
haobao: yes i am, why?
beeen_613: im born 2001 so youre actually a hyung! nice to meet you hao hyung! thank you for sending me baobao photos!
haobao: nice to meet you, bin!
haobao: now… where were we?
beeen_613: discussing twice’s debut song
haobao: oh right! SO this is what i think!
Sung Hanbin is every parent’s dream child.
Asked to clean his room? Sparkling. Told to do his homework? First thing as soon as he gets home. Eat his vegetables? All gone before he’s told twice.
Disobeying his parents is not something Hanbin intentionally does, but sometimes, rarely, he does.
Don’t talk to strangers online? Hanbin turns a blind eye and without hesitation sends out his private information over to (hopefully, actually) a boy.
haobao: good morning bin! what are you up to today?
beeen_613: i have some club activities today, hao hyung! how about you?
haobao: school today :<
beeen_613: are you going to be fine, hyung? i wish you could find something that would make you happy
haobao: thank you bin. i just wish i knew what could make me happy… :<
haobao: why does the world expect us to know what we want to do for the rest of our life when we’re barely adults?
beeen_613: oh hao hyung
beeen_613: music makes you happy! can’t you do something that involves that?
haobao: i don’t actually know :<
haobao: i wish i could just run away to korea to see you
beeen_613: come see me please! we can go to han river and ride a bike!
beeen_613: but seriously
beeen_613: hao hyung…
beeen_613: last night i put on the recording of you playing the me gustas tu on your violin and it put me right to bed!
beeen_613: and you always look so happy performing
haobao: awww >< thank you, bin! i’m so happy you liked it because i recorded it just for you!!!
beeen_613: i had your voice cover of me gustas tu on repeat too and hyuuuung your voice makes me feel like i’m melting
beeen_613: im sure if you uploaded them somewhere that people will like it too! but im also selfish and happy that it’s just for me hehe
Ever since the first time they private messaged each other (after Hanbin had to panic install WeChat and create an account), a day has not gone by without them sending a message whether it’s just a ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’.
Hanbin’s parents had instilled danger over online friendship and sharing personal information with faceless strangers, but he can’t really feel guilty about befriending haobao at all.
haobao: bin… what if i drop out of college????
haobao: that’s crazy, right????
haobao: but i hate this so much and i know i can do it but i don’t WANT to do it
haobao: that has to count for something right?
haobao: ALSO
haobao: i can make a living out of music. other people do it.
haobao: right???
haobao: hahahahaha it’s a terrible idea i know wow what was i thinking
haobao: i really need to sleep some more
haobao: anyway when you read this, please ignore my messages
haobao: and good morning! because that’s the right time you should be reading my rantings
beeen_613: good morning hao hyung!
beeen_613: im sorry i was asleep and missed your messages or else i would have been able to tell you this
beeen_613: hao hyung i believe in you
beeen_613: i believe in what you can achieve i think you could conquer ANYTHING you set your mind into but i just want you to be happy with what you do with your life and no matter what you do i will always be your #1 fan.
beeen_613: always
Zhang Hao is Sung Hanbin’s friend, one of his closest friend. He would even consider his hyung his best friend if not for the fact that they’re separated by an ocean.
The distance doesn’t matter, though.
Because despite the 1,402 km separating them, Zhang Hao is someone important to Sung Hanbin.
haobao: BIN
haobao: BIN BIN BIN BIN
haobao: I PASSED
beeen_613: CONGRATULATIONS HYUNG!!! 🎉🎉🎉
beeen_613: [video attached of Hanbin wearing a party hat and then throwing confetti above him as he yells “Congratulations, Hao hyung!! I am SO proud of you!!!”]
haobao: uh how did you have a video of yourself that quick??
beeen_613: i recorded it in advance because i knew you would pass duh
beeen_613: i told you im your biggest fan hyung and i always do my best to prove that
haobao: …
beeen_613: you dont believe me! im hurt!
haobao: no no! i’m just super touched! even my parents were worried i wouldn’t get in because i only had 6 months to practice but i did IT
beeen_613: hyung you practiced SO HARD for 6 months! you dedicated almost almost all your time to being the best you could be
beeen_613: AND I NEVER QUESTIONED YOU
haobao: i cannot thank you enough bin. if you didn’t encourage me i might still be suffering in my geoscienes classes :<
beeen_613: you do the same thing for me, hyung
haobao: bin i’m just so thankful for you
beeen_613: if youre thankful to me please record a video of your violin cover of that song you sang the other week! i want to put it on as my bedtime playlist pleaaaase
haobao: consider it DONE
beeen_613: im so excited! thank you hyung!
haobao: anything for you, bin~
beeen_613: youre the best hao hyung! always!
And the more they talk, the more Hanbin gets to know Hao hyung and his whole life, the more Hanbin shares part of himself that he hasn’t shared with anyone else… the more everything becomes scary. Because Hao hyung has now become someone too precious, so special, and someone worth losing.
Not to mention… Zhang Hao became Hanbin’s gay awakening. Not that Hanbin is ever going to mention the last part to the other man, of course.
haobao: hello bin! i’ve been waiting for you to come online because no one appreciates park jinyoung’s visuals in my real life
beeen_613: hao hyung… i can tell you anything right?
haobao: i would be offended if you don’t tell me everything about your life, actually
haobao: because i’m a jealous person
haobao: bin?
haobao: you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to, but i hope you know that i’m always ready to listen to you
haobao: i’ll even throw in a cover of whatever song you want me to sing to you!
beeen_613: can i pretty please get a cover of you singing and playing the violing to As If It’s Your Last?
haobao: i feel like i’ve been scammed
haobao: however, anything for you, bin :)
haobao: but can i please get a cover of you singing Never Ever?
beeen_613: deal!
beeen_613: and also i think im gay
haobao: bin
haobao: sung hanbin
beeen_613: ?
haobao: i’m so proud of you
beeen_613: ??
haobao: i know it’s hard to say those words out loud
beeen_613: ???
haobao: congratulations
beeen_613: ????
haobao: welcome! we offer rainbow sprinkled cookies to newbies
beeen_613: !!!
haobao: is that all you’re going to say??
beeen_613: sorry ive honestly been stressing out about saying those words out to the word
beeen_613: it feels real now that its not just a word i told myself
beeen_613: thank you for always being supportive, hao hyung
haobao: always
Hanbin doesn’t mention how he came about the realization and Hao, luckily, doesn’t ask. But being teenage boys meant that he and Hao could never avoid the topic of crushes and love despite how much Hanbin would prefer not to know how much one-sided his crush on the older man was.
haobao: have you ever been in love before, bin?
beeen_613: um
beeen_613: no?
beeen_613: whats wrong hyung?
haobao: someone at school confessed to me and asked if i wanted to go on a date with the and i
haobao: i was touched, of course, and i thanked them for liking me enough to confess but
beeen_613: but?
haobao: but i don’t know. i just don’t get the big deal?
haobao: there are songs and poems and movies written about this huge thing called ‘love’ and i don’t know how to relate to it
haobao: what does it mean to be in love anyway? is it really as dramatic as everyone makes it sound
haobao: why is everyone afraid of it
haobao: does it really make you do the wildest craziest thing ever? bin???
beeen_613: i think love is something different for each people and that everyone shows it differently
beeen_613: it could be the way my dad always makes sure my mom has a cup of coffee ready before she wakes up every day since i could remember or it could be the wildest scenarios we see on TV where the main character moves away without telling the other person why just so they could protect them
haobao: bin…
haobao: you’re so smart
beeen_613: thanks?
haobao: maybe one day i would understand what love means to me too
haobao: and you, too! you need to tell me too!!
beeen_613: i tell you everything hyung!
Almost everything.
Days passed, weeks turned into months, and months became years.
Hanbin changed from a shy middle school student to a more confident high school student. His friendship group grew and he became busier with activities which now meant he had less time to be online.
Hao, too, had started taking his music seriously with him playing at weddings and tutoring other children. If he wasn’t in classes he would be in meetings or at one of his many part-time jobs.
What used to be hours of messaging each other became minutes.
haobao: good morning, bin! good luck with the test today!!
beeen_613: good morning hyung! good luck with YOUR test today!!
haobao: i did well on the test!!! thank you for being my lucky charm, as always :)
beeen_613: youre so amazing hyung!
beeen_613: i also passed!!!
haobao: as a thank you for your support…
haobao: [video of Hao playing GOT7’s Lullaby on violin]
beeen_613: good morning hyung!
haobao: good morning bin!
beeen_613: are you busy today with tutoring?
beeen_613: good night hyung! don’t overwork yourself
haobao: ugh sorry i missed you! tutoring ran over because my student’s mom wanted to discuss how he’s doing
haobao: sleep well, bin!
haobao: good morning! is today the recital?
beeen_613: good morning!!! no that’s next week!
beeen_613: today is my presentation and i need to channel my inner hao hyung to pass
haobao: i will cross all my fingers and wish you good luck, bin!
haobao: wow i have no concept of time anymore. classes are cancelled and i’m running on 18 hours of no sleep so i am about to drop dead
haobao: sleep well, bin!
beeen_613: i missed you! sleep well hyung!
haobao: good morning, bin :)
beeen_613: good morning hao hyung!
beeen_613: good night hyung! sleep well!
beeen_613: miss you hyung! i hope everything is going well with you
haobao: sweet dreams!
They don’t have time to talk anymore because of busy schedules and once upon a time they used to have each other’s schedules memorized, now it’s a huge blank. Hanbin used to be able give an hour by hour breakdown of Hao’s schedule and now he doesn’t even know if his hyung is still in school or at one of his many part-time gigs.
However, Zhang Hao disappearing from his life is not something he thought would ever happen at least not easily in this day and age where it’s so easy to be connected online.
But one day, it just did.
beeen_613: good morning hyung!
beeen_613: i havent heard from you in a while
beeen_613: i hope everything is going well with you and that we can video call soon? i want to show you my dance presentation and i need an honest opinion
haobao: good morning bin! good luck with your dance recital, okay? you need to do your best and always believe in yourself! i can promise that you’re the best in your team. and make sure you do not miss your sister’s next event! remember that i always, always, ALWAYS, believe in you. and that i will always, always, ALWAYS be by your side
beeen_613: thank you hyung! you’re too sweet! :)
beeen_613: hao hyung
beeen_613: why does this sound like a goodbye?
beeen_613: hyung?
Losing Hao is something Hanbin had not been at all prepared for.
For the past few years the other boy had been a constant in his life, his closest friend, his confidant, the person he could talk to about anything and suddenly… the good mornings are gone, the goodnights are missing, and there’s a Zhang Hao-sized hole in his chest.
“Bin-ah, what’s wrong?” Mom asks when Hanbin had come back from his dance recital looking wrung out. “I thought you did such a good job! Did anyone say differently?”
Hanbin shakes his head and tries to put on a smile. He does not want his Mom worrying. “No, everyone said I did well too! I’m just tired from all the practice…” he says instead, a lie mixed with some truth.
How could he tell anyone else what he’s going through? He’s never breathed a word about Hao hyung to anyone and now that Hao hyung is gone, it’s like he never existed in the first place.
The trophy on his bedside table feels useless when there’s no message on his phone from Hao hyung congratulating him.
It does get easier as time passed.
The Zhang Hao-sized hole in Hanbin’s life does not just disappear, but he does cover it up with University work and dance practice and nights out with friends and supporting his sister at all her sporting events.
beeen_613: i hope youre doing well and that youre achieving all your dreams hao hyung
beeen_613: i always miss you
Then, out of nowhere on a random Sunday, Zhang Hao came back before his eyes but in a much bigger screen than his old laptop or previous phone combined.
“Please welcome ZEROBASEONE! Kim Jiwoong! Zhang Hao! Kim Taerae! Ricky! Kim Gyuvin! Park Gunwook! Han Yujin! Welcome! Please introduce yourself!”
Hanbin had been rushing to get ready for work when he heard the name. He was only a little ashamed to admit he dropped what he was holding (his bag) and made a run for the television.
“I’m ZEROBASEONE’s main vocal, Zhang Hao! It’s nice to meet you. Please take care of me,” Hao on screen greets, a huge smile on his face. He’s taller, prettier and much brighter than Hanbin remembers him to be. But it was him. It was his haobao.
beeen_613: i think i understand why
beeen_613: congrats hao hyung
The obsession starts after that.
Actually. Obsession makes it sound so negative. There’s nothing negative about what Hanbin is feeling.
Rather than obsession, Hanbin would like to call it...
He would prefer to say...
It should be…
How about…?
Actually maybe…
Fuck. It’s an obsession. Yeah. Hanbin might as well embrace the word.
It started with Hanbin watching all the videos of ZEROBASEONE from the debut promotions; any performance, any fancam, any variety show, any channel content… you name it. As long as Hao’s name is in there, Hanbin would have already seen it and yelled about it online.
Hanbin had filled the Zhang Hao-sized hole in his chest with a Zhang Hao-sized idolization. It isn't the same. It isn't even remotely close to how the personal good mornings and the sleep wells felt, but it is enough. It had to be enough.
At first Hanbin had been afraid to share his excitement and love for Hao online because it feels like he’s cheating, like he’s not allowed. But he soon realized that with the other boy being an idol loved by many, now he didn’t need to keep it quiet within the deepest part of himself. He isn’t a teenager in love with his online best friend who lives in a different country anymore.
Now, Hanbin is just a boy in love with an idol on screen.
Thus, Hanbin thought it was appropriate to keep the name.
(And, okay, maybe he hoped that at some point Hao would remember him. But mostly because he was feeling nostalgic about the name.)
bin
@beeen_613
#1 biggest zhang hao fan. ALWAYS. i was here first but i agree he deserves all the love.matt @syusyu
@beeen_613 hey bro what song would you describe zhang hao as?bin @beeen_613
@syusyu this is an interesting question! i just want it to be said that hao hyung fits gfriend’s me gustas tu through and throughmatt @syusyu
@beeen_613 valid. instant follow.bin @beeen_613
@syusyu glad you understand!matt @syusyu
@beeen_613 i think we’re going to be really good friends
In the 3 years from Hao’s debut, Hanbin remains devoted.
bin @beeen_613
sending a zero cola fan support to zhang hao who’s with me?bin @beeen_613
why is everyone shocked i guessed hao’s favourite drink correctly? zero cola is SUPERIORbin @beeen_613
Watch ZEROBASEONE at 2D1N and let’s hype up Zhang Hao!!!bin @beeen_613
anyone who thinks hao’s korean isn’t up to par can fight mebin @beeen_613
I am so proud of ZEROBASEONE for their first win!!! This is how you sing live!!! More wins = more encores.bin @beeen_613
congrats hao hyung! you deserve everything 🩷bin @beeen_613
CONGRATULATIONS ZEROBASEONE FOR BAGGING ALL THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARDS!!!!bin @beeen_613
just watched hao’s fancam for their cover of Kill This Love and i’m pretty sure 10,000 of those views is just mebin @beeen_613
CENTER ZHANG HAO IS TAKING ME OUT listening to him playing the violin has always brought me strengthbin @beeen_613
hear me out: zerobaseone as found familybin @beeen_613
the fan cafe support zhang hao’s birthday is going to be at Cafe XXX! i won’t be going, but @syusyu will be there to manage!bin @beeen_613
to everyone attending ZEROBASEONE’s first concert, please cheer for them as LOUDLY as you can!!!!bin @beeen_613
I will be giving away some Hao merch for free. @syusyu will be attending and will be at XXX at 3:00 PM so please come approach them, show them any voting proof and your most favourite Hao photo for a support set! Take a photo and send it to me!bin @beeen_613
thank you to everyone that sent me photos of themselves and the support merch! i love spreading hao love! and thank you \@syusyu for being my hench man hehebin @beeen_613
if hao apologizes one more time for something he doesn’t need to apologize for, i will actually fight someonebin @beeen_613
thank you zhang hao for choosing to become an idolbin @beeen_613
happy 2nd anniversary zerobaseone! thank you for spending these past 2 years with us! here’s to 20, 200, 2000 more!bin @beeen_613
zb1’s vocals!!! singers really be singing.bin @beeen_613
i wish we could get a hao and taerae cover pleasebin @beeen_613
like usual: please approach @syusyu at XXX around 3:45 PM and be ready to show your fave hao cover to get a support merch. please send me photos!bin @beeen_613
HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY ZEROBASEONE!!! i am so happy that for your 3rd year you decided to do what is best for you. whichever company you to move to, all your fans will be supporting you!
In those same number of years Hanbin went from poor and struggling University student to a happy and beloved daycare teacher. He started sharing an apartment with his best friend Matthew (whom he also met online although his parents think they met at work—shh!) and taught at the Happy Everyday daycare about four blocks away from their apartment. His fellow staff members has nothing but good things to say about, and the children absolutely adored him and him to them.
Unbeknownst to them all (except Matthew who is in just as deep in the ZEROBASEONE fandom), Hanbin continued on as @beeen_613.
Hanbin has all the albums, all the merchs, and his room is filled with all versions of Hanini one could ever want. His fan account has gone from 5 followers to 50k in the same timeframe. And Hanbin’s love for Hao… well, it continues on.
bin @beeen_613
zhang Hao’s first appearance after ZEROBASEONE’s change in company will be guesting at his favourite idol’s youtube talk show, Park With Me and it will be aired on Feb 14th at 7:00 PM KST. he will be talking about his solo debut!bin @beeen_613
i hope Jinyoung-ssi asks him to play the violin! a got7 - lullaby cover from him could make everyone fall to their knees.
It is Friday, February 14th and while most of the younger aged population of Seoul are out on dates or at parties, Hanbin and Matthew are inside their apartment waiting for a 15 minute Youtube video to be uploaded. Such is the life of two fanboys.
“Hanbin hyung!” Matthew calls out, voice a tinge too loud that Hanbin can already tell their next door neighbour will complain again. “It’s starting!! Hurry up!”
Immediately, Hanbin made a run for it and almost slipped on their carpet as he took his designated seat besides Matthew. Without taking his eyes off of the screen that was currently showing the intro music to Park With Me, he manages to take his seat and even grabs the bowl of popcorn from Matthew.
On screen, Park Jinyoung and Zhang Hao had arrived at one of the many parks in Seoul and they greet each other as they prepare a picnic blanket and places the basket on the ground.
“Hao looks so good,” Hanbin murmurs.
Hao is wearing a dark washed baggy jeans, a moss green sweater over what looks to be a white collared long sleeves. His hair is in its natural black, only a little bit long as the bangs swayed with the wind. Since the two of them are taking a seat on the picnic blanket, the audience gets treated to seeing Hao’s adorable Shiba Inu socks.
The outfit and the fact that the grass isn’t covered in snow tells Hanbin this must have been shot early on in the winter season or maybe just at the tail end of Fall. It makes sense, Hao must have been preparing for his solo comeback for a while.
“Hi everyone!” Jinyoung greets the camera, awkwardly moving himself. Hao is smiling besides him, but Hanbin can tell the other man is star struck. “Please welcome my seventh guest, ZEROBASEONE’s main vocal, self-proclaimed most successful Ahgase, Zhang Hao!”
Hao’s cheeks reddened as he clapped and bowed to the audience. “Thank you for having me, Jinyoung sunbae! I am definitely the most successful Ahgase in existence—I’m here on your show after all!” he says.
“He is definitely the most successful Ahgase,” Matthew agrees as he munches on the popcorn. “He is literally the guest after Jinyoung has had all other members of GOT7 on the show. How much luckier can you be?”
It makes Hanbin’s chest expand in pride. Park Jinyoung has always been Hao’s celebrity crush and seeing him talk casually with him now… Hanbin’s happy for him.
“I also have to congratulate you on ZEROBASEONE’s three day encore concert just last week!” Jinyoung says with a clap and Hanbin almost coos at the way Hao folds in on himself in happy embarrassment. The congratulations confirms when they shot the video, though. The encore concert happened in early November, so this is definitely shot during the cusp of Fall/Winter. “What was your favourite part of the concert? Care to share while I try to cut up this pizza?”
Immediately, Hao launches into his excitement about the fan projects that Zeroses had prepared for during the Seoul encore concerts. He sounds extremely giddy as he tells Jinyoung of the fans singing along and their heartfelt messages to the rest of the members.
Hanbin loves to see him this happy, his cheeks upturned and his eyes twinkling with every word. Jinyoung looks to be the same, obviously fond of the younger man in front of him while he battled with the cutting of the pizza.
“You should have come with me, hyung,” Matthew breaks Hanbin out of his trance.
“Huh?” Hanbin did a quick glance at his friend before turning his attention back to the screen. “Sorry. What?”
“I said you should have come with me to the concert. I don’t understand why you keep avoiding going to anything when your love for Zhang Hao is bigger than the whole universe combined,” Matthew states a matter of factly. “Are you afraid you’ll combust if you see him in person? Or that you’ll embarrass yourself and never recover?”
One of the things Hanbin had told himself when he first became active in the fandom is that he is not going to attend in person events that would mean being in the general vicinity of Zhang Hao. Of course he isn’t expecting Hao to find him in the sea of thousands of fans, a spotlight shining on him and a teary eyed reunion. No, no. Hanbin isn’t that much of a delusional fan.
No, not at all.
Hanbin had avoided attending any in person events for himself and his own sanity.
Seeing Hao in person and the other boy not recognizing him or remembering him would crush him. It would taint the memory he has of those years they spent messaging each other deep into the night, sharing snippets of videos and audio recordings not meant for anyone else to see, and the bond that Hanbin thought they shared. It was better that Hanbin stayed far away, a good distance from finding out if he was ever as tiny bit as important to the older man like how Zhang Hao obviously was to him.
“Anyway! How do you feel about being called Nation’s First Love?” Jinyoung asks, handing Hao a piece of the pizza.
Hanbin realized that he missed a huge part of the conversation. He is going to need to rewatch later.
“I am not sure I am worthy enough of the title Jinyoung hyung, but I will wear it with pride,” Hao says while giggling at the direction of the camera. “Don’t laugh! Manager-nim is laughing because he knows how much I am not worthy of being the Nation’s First Love!”
“Hao is my first love,” Hanbin admits out loud, knowing that Matthew wouldn't understand the actual truth behind those words. And the truth is that being Hao’s fan meant he has never gotten over that first love at all.
“Well maybe you can share a little bit about your first love?” Jinyoung asks. There was something about the way he said it, though, that felt like this part is scripted, almost like it is planned. And Hanbin doesn't understand why they're even allowing the question at all—idols are supposed to not have a love life. Right?
The question doesn't phase Hao which further proves Hanbin’s assumption that it was discussed beforehand. Hanbin leans on his legs, suddenly too interested.
During one of their late night discussions, Hao had shared he hasn’t fallen in love yet and had always wondered what the big deal is. Hanbin, already deeply in love with the other boy, lied about the status of his own lack of first love experience.
“My first love…” Hao puts a finger under his chin, eyes suddenly downcast. “I’m afraid my Mom is going to be disappointed in my first love so I should apologize here in advance. Sorry for not listening to you, Mom! I swear this was the only time I didn’t follow your advice!”
Jinyoung laughs as he opens a can of zero cola to hand over to Hao who eagerly takes it. “Sorry Hao’s Mom!” he adds, waving to the camera too. “I don’t know what he’s apologizing for yet, but I am here for additional support!”
The focus moves back to Hao who is smiling at the camera, but Hanbin can tell there’s a slightly downturn at the corner of his eyes. It may be planned and the video edited, but Hao is still a little uncomfortable.
Actually, maybe Hanbin doesn’t want to hear about Hao’s first love anymore—
“I actually met my first love at the comment section of GFRIEND sunbaenim’s music video for Me Gustas Tu—”
Hanbin’s breathe hitched.
Sorry? What?
The video continued on because the video is being casted by Matthew’s phone who is currently none the wiser about Hanbin’s whole world being shaken at this very second.
“—and we bonded over our shared love for the song and the group and then, unlike our own parent’s advice, we started messaging each other,” Hao turns to the camera and in a scolding tone says, “Zerose, don’t do this! Be careful with who you speak to online!”
“Stranger danger!” Jinyoung agrees. “So, what happened with this one, Hao?”
“If it wasn’t for them and their support I might have stayed with my old major and I might not have tried to go for music,” Hao shares, eyes looking a little glassy. “They encouraged me and cheered me on and supported me every step of the way. In return, we both exchanged videos—they would ask for covers of me performing some of GOT7 sunbaenim songs like Lullaby and I would ask them to dance for me.”
Hanbin isn’t moving, barely even breathing.
Is he dreaming? Is Hao really on a video telling the world that he, Sung Hanbin, was his first love?
“Wow, hyung! How did you know Hao used to peform Lullaby on the violin!” Matthew remarks besides him, impressed.
“It sounds like a lovely first love… And we need to thank them for you now being in music! Thank you Hao’s first love! I’m sure all your fans would like to thank them for it too,” Jinyoung tells him with a smile. “Do you have a message for them?”
At this, Hanbin is snapped back into reality. His heart suddenly betraying him as it thuds rapidly in his chest that he could almost feel it jumping out of his skin. Even his blood is rushing, making him feel lightheaded and his eyes almost blurry as it takes in the words he’s hearing but not really processing.
In true Korean variety, the video frames Hao’s face and roses spout around him. At the bottom it says: To Hao’s First Love.
“I saw your dance recital and I knew you would be the best. I told you so. I saw your sister do so well at her events and I’m sure you must be bursting with pride. I know it’s been more than a while but… Bin, I hope you know that I meant every word of what I told you… and that I wish I was able to keep walking besides you. Because all I’ve ever wanted to was to be with you,” Hao trails off, coughing a little before looking up again. “Always.”
If Jinyoung and Hao had spoken about anything else after that, Hanbin would not be able to recount it. As soon as the segment about first love finished, Hanbin had just sat in a daze.
Did that really happen?
“Hyung?”
Did Hao really love him back then? Were Hanbin’s feelings really requited?
“Hanbin hyung?”
Did Hao really go on his idol’s Youtube show to share with everyone their history and, well, confess to Bin?
“Hyung?” Matthew waves a hand in front of Hanbin, finally catching his attention. “Are you okay?”
Is he? Is he?
“Yeah, sorry Matthew. I… I need to go,” Hanbin says as he stands up in a rush, intent on heading towards his own room. He needed time to think. He needs time to digest this new—
“It’s you, isn’t it?” Matthew asks, voice suddenly loud in the quietnes of their apartment.
The words stops Hanbin from his rush, now rooting him on the spot.
Hanbin had never breathed a word about the true connection he has with Hao; not once since he first met him at the comment section and certainly not when he became one of his fans. Saying anything now feels like a sin, but the temptation to have someone else know his deepest, darkest secret… for it to finally be out in the world…
“You know I wouldn’t say anything if you don’t want me to, right? You know me better than that, hyung…” Matthew asks again, getting up and walking towards Hanbin.
Matthew reaches over to him and the touch on Hanbin’s shoulder is such a shock, startling him so much he almost jumps out of his skin.
It should be fine, right? Hao had basically shared to the world (Jinyoung’s viewers and Zeroses at least) the story about them so why shouldn’t he…?
Hanbin closes his eyes as he speaks the truth that has been kept for 9 years. “It’s me.”
Hanbin wasn’t prepared for those simple words to feel so freeing.
Hao’s first love story became so huge that Hanbin couldn't last a day without hearing about it from the news, all his social medias, his co-workers, and even his kids at the daycare. For so long their story was a secret kept deep within the walls of their WeChat logs and suddenly it is international news. Hanbin doesn’t know what to do or how to react or what to think.
The only person who hasn’t said anything is Matthew. Hanbin is so thankful for his best friend.
Minnie @gunpookie
so… it has been one week. is anyone going to mention what everyone in the fandom has been thinking?mel @issajebewonfan
@gunpookie im going to DM you and see if we are thinking about the same thingMinnie @gunpookie
can confirm that @issajebewonfan and i are thinking of the same person
“Hyung? I got pizza for dinner!” Matthew’s voice booms through the walls of their apartment, startling Hanbin who was in the middle of watching The Video for the nth time. Immediately, he panics.
That is how Matthew ended up finding him: cross-legged in front of the television, hand frozen over the pause button on his phone, and eyes so wide.
“Hi?” Hanbin offers with a wince.
Matthew sighs as he places the box on the counter and Hanbin takes it as his chance to remove the video from the television.
His best friend takes his seat besides him and the way Matthew is looking at him makes Hanbin feel like recoiling. Because Matthew is looking at him with pity and that is the last thing Hanbin wants, the reason why he’s never said anything in the first place.
“Don’t feel bad for me, Matthew,” Hanbin says first. He’s not looking at the other man and instead is focused on the leather pealing off of their sofa, even scratching a little to help it along. “I don’t want your pity.”
There is a beat of silence and it is a minute too long for Hanbin whose thoughts are spiraling. But Matthew does put him out of his misery by asking, “Have you seen the title of Hao’s solo song?”
Hanbin nods. He has. It is pretty hard to miss. He might not have been posting on his account, but it doesn’t mean he hasn’t been scrolling through all the concept photos, the posts and the news being shared.
A hand reaches over to pat Hanbin’s hair, a soothing motion to him. “Then you should know that it’s dedicated to you,” Matthew says.
“No, it’s not,” Hanbin assures his friend as he leans onto the comforting touch. “No, it’s not.” He repeats, more to himself than anything.
“It is, hyung, and I know you know because I can tell you’re still liking posts on your Twitter account,” Matthew tells him, voice unexpectedly stern despite the softness of his hands on Hanbin’s scalp. “So do me a favour and stop pretending that your idol didn’t just confess to you for 2.3 million people to see.”
Hanbin groans as he moves away from Matthew’s touch. He takes a look at his best friend for the first time and word vomits his biggest fears. “What do you expect me to do, Matthew? He confessed and then released a song that is so positively adorable even though I’ve never had a chance to do anything of the sort!” he says a little hysterical, “Never let go of his hand? Walk with him? Be by his side? Stay? He’s still an idol, Matthew. And I’ve been a stranger to him for the past few years. Me admitting it to myself will not do any good. It’s not going to change anything.”
Luckily, Matthew doesn’t push anymore. He must feel really badly for him. Hanbin will take the pity this time.
bin @beeen_613
don’t forget to buy, stream and support zhang hao’s solo debut song, ALWAYS! let’s always stay by his side.bin [REST] @beeen_613
this account will be semi-inactive for a while because of personal reasons. it doesn’t mean that i won’t be supporting zhang hao’s solo debut though! i’ll be back ~jen @jennyella
@beeen_613 are you okay, bin?bin [REST] @beeen_613
@jennyella i am! just a little busy with work!
[video from a car of the sky passing by]
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zhanghao.zb1 i hope work is a little kinder to you
saw zb1 x3 @myheartisnonstop
that message has GOT to be for THAT account, right????Minnie @gunpookie
@myheartisnonstop THANK YOU FOR ALSO SEEING THE LIGHT
Like with any other celebrity news, things do die down and a new more scandalous news came out. Hao’s first love story gets buried underneath a power couple getting a divorce and a politician being caught with someone they shouldn’t be with.
The first love story felt like a fevered dream, but now he does wish that, at some point, things could go back to normal for him too. He hopes that he could look at Hao’s face and not feel the ache of losing him and losing out on what, it appears, was a requited first love.
As long as he pretends it doesn’t exist, as long as he stops thinking about it, Hanbin assumes that things can go back to normal.
[compilation photo of his performance at MCountdown]
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zhanghao.zb1 thank you for letting me win at mcountdown! i hope my message reaches you
Hanbin likes the Instagram post with an account he’s newly created so it’s not associated with beeen_613.
“Have you even watched any of Hao’s performances, hyung?” Matthew questions him. His friend is the only one giving Hanbin shit, but it’s probably because he’s the only one who knows that he should be receving shit.
“I will watch it at some point, I promise,” Hanbin lies. Always feels painful to him for some reason… like a future they could have had and was snatched away from him.
Huffing, Matthew hands him his laptop open to a video of what was obviously an encore performance. Hanbin jolts from his seat because this can only mean—
“You could at least watch Hao’s first encore as a solo artist, hyung. You’re a terrible self-proclaimed #1 biggest fan if you haven’t.” Matthew says with such disappointment that Hanbin felt himself chastisied.
Guilt immediately gnaws at Hanbin’s throat. Despite everything that has happened, Hanbin is still Hao’s #1 fan. He meant it when they were still teenage boys and he still means it now that the’re in their 20s, one an idol and the other their fan. So for him to have missed celebrating this milestone in Hao hyung’s career…
Hanbin presses the play button.
“And the #1 today is… Zhang Hao! Congratulations!”
Streamers and cheers errupt from both the fans and the idols on the stage as Hao hyung looks stunned in the middle of them all. Hao hyung is only jolted back to reality when the MC hands him the covetted trophy as well as the microphone.
On screen, Hao stutters out, “Thank you so much for this honour! I can’t believe I won an award… thank you Zeroses! I love you so much! Thank you to my team at BL Entertainment, all members of ZEROBASEONE for your support, my Mom and Dad, and… thank you Bin for telling me to go after my dreams. Without you, I would not be standing right here, right now.”
The mention surprises Hanbin, especially since Hao immediately starts belting out the lyrics to Always without even a pause. Hao’s heavenly vocals filling the room despite the quality of the fancam.
Hanbin isn’t sure of what to do, but he knows that he needs to do one thing.
bin [REST] @beeen_613
congratulations hao hyung for your 1st solo win! you were always meant for the biggest and brighest stage. you would have always ended up right there because that’s where you belong.
[photo of Hao standing on the stage, a big smile on his face]
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zhanghao.zb1 i disagree. i have always needed you to tell me where i belong. always.
The immediate post from Hao shocks Hanbin.
From the other room, Matthew yells, “SEE! I TOLD YOU SO, HYUNG! I TOLD YOU SO!!!” Hanbin dreads seeing their neighbour and having to explain to him why there was yelling coming from their apartment. Hanbin reminds himself to buy bread to soften the blow.
Hanbin has notification on for all of Hao’s accounts; Instagram, Twitter, TikTok or Bubble. So Hao’s Instagram post notification popping up 5 minutes after his Twitter post… That had to be a coincidence, right? Hao couldn’t have known about Hanbin’s Twitter account, right?
So, to be sure and to rid himself of any questions, Hanbin tests it.
bin [REST] @beeen_613
i hope hao hyung drops a cover of a gfriend song! he hasn’t done one in a while and i am sad they didn’t promote at the same to be able to film challenges together.
Then Hanbin waits.
And Hao doesn’t disappoint him.
[a slightly crooked video of Hao dancing to GFRIEND’s Time For the Moon Night]
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zhanghao.zb1 GFRIEND sunbaenim’s songs really suit me! did i do well?
That couldn’t have been a coincidence, right?
Hanbin may be a lot of things, but stupid is certainly not one of them.
However, checking one last time wouldn’t hurt… Just to be sure…
bin [REST] @beeen_613
check out hao hyung’s cover of gfriend’s time for the moon night on instagram! he did really well! wouldn’t it be nice if we heard a violin cover of it too?
[photo of Zhang Hao pouting on camera]
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zhanghao.zb1 this is unfair! i am unable to just whip out violin covers from nowhere! let me practice first~
Hanbin giggles, hiding the smile with his hand as he stares at the photo that Hao had attached with his post.
There is no way that Hao doesn’t know about Hanbin’s account. No. Way. The timing of the posts and the responses to his own posts are way too obvious to ignore.
“HANBIN HYUNG! STOP FLIRTING WITH AN IDOL AND COME EAT THIS PIZZA WITH ME!”
Sighing, Hanbin closes his laptop to see Matthew and to remind him that their neighbour will complain about their noise level again if he doesn’t stop yelling so loudly.
Janey @ibloomforzb1
wow did hao just spam posts last night for fun????mel @issajebewonfan
@ibloomforzb1 check out the twt account of beeen_613 to get the full context of the ig posts. you’re welcome.Janey @ibloomforzb1
@issajebewonfan OH EM GEE this is so cute!!!mel @issajebewonfan
if bin really is hao’s first love, i hope time is kinder to them and they work things out this time 🤞
[video of Zhang Hao standing in a dark room with the only source of lighting being a small moon lamp by the corner while he plays a full violin cover of GFRIEND’s Time for the Moon Night]
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zhanghao.zb1 for you. it’s always beeen for you. now… how about my very own always?
The suggestion gives Hanbin a thrill he hasn’t felt in quite a while. Other than performing during recitals or the odd competition back in University, Hanbin hasn’t had a reason to dance so taking the obvious challenge in Hao hyung’s words.
So, Hanbin practices. He tries every movement in front of a mirror until he's absolutely sure he has it right and that he's done it justice. Hao hyung deserves only the best, of course.
“Is this about…?” Matthew asks.
Hanbin pauses his music. “Can you take a video for me?” he asks instead of answering.
bin @beeen_613
my official entry into the #alwayschallenge! please excuse the lighting.
[video of Hanbin with a cap and a face mask obscuring his notable figures while he's wearing a black shirt and grey joggers as he dances to Hao’s Always]
It goes back and forth like that. Hanbin would post something, sometimes just a normal post and the rest of the time as a bait to see if Hao hyung would respond. Immediately or a few hours after the fact, Hao would always respond on his Instagram. Even though his name doesn’t get mentioned directly, Hanbin can always tell when it’s meant for him.
bin @beeen_613
so @syusyu and i are reminiscing old kpop songs and thus came out with our cover of INFINITE’s Paradise. do you know what sound good as a violin cover? paradise.
[video of Hanbin and Matthew wearing all black, standing in their living room dancing to Paradise]
[video of Hao in a practice room while playing the violin]
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zhanghao.zb1 my cover of infinite sunbaenim’s paradise - this was NOT a paradise to learn but i concur that it sounds great on strings! i’m also feeling nostalgic right now… teen top sunbaenim’s to you? please?
bin @beeen_613
thank you @syusyu for helping me with the set-up and recording of my dance cover of TEEN TOP’s To You! this was SO fun to do.
[video of Hanbin in their living room, a chair in the middle of the room]
bin @beeen_613
actually you know what i would really like to see? a dance cover of TWICE’s Heartshaker!
[video of Hao in the practice room dancing]
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zhanghao.zb1 TWICE sunbaenim’s Heartshaker was so fun to do! and i already had the dance memorized 😉 to shake it up… a vocal cover of 10cm’s Phonecert?
bin @beeen_613
had to dust my vocal chords for this and i want to apologize in advance! here’s a cover of 10cm’s Phonecert… please don’t be too harsh, i’m not usually a singer!
[video of a phone on screen while the audio is of Hanbin singing Phonecert]bin @beeen_613
no requests today. get some rest… there’s a fansign scheduled for tomorrow after all
[photo of Hao’s bed]
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zhanghao.zb1 bedtime music sorted! THANK YOU! (can i still make a request though? VIVIZ sunbaenim’s Maniac?)
bin @beeen_613
you’re lucky i have this one memorized already
[video of Hanbin dancing the last chorus of VIVIZ’s Maniac]bin @beeen_613
zhang hao’s first solo fan sign will be tomorrow! i hope everyone who’s coming will tell him how amazing his solo album was!
[collection of photos from the behind of the scenes of the photo album shoot]
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zhanghao.zb1 first solo fansign tomorrow! why don’t you come and tell me face to face?
If Hanbin ignored the number of engagements—the likes, the comments, the views—then it almost feels like he was back to messaging haobao while in his childhood bedroom, hiding underneath his blanket as he types up his messages.
KEJ @no1taeraefan
do you think they think we don’t know what’s happening or do you think the fact that they know we know is a foreplay of some sort for them? (no shame i’m just honestly curious)H @KJYiamanxious
@no1taeraefan i hope they know that we know and we would like to know MOREKEJ @no1taeraefan
@KJYiamanxious they need to let us in this relationship
“Why do you just keep flirting with him online, hyung? It’s been two weeks! If you still like-like him as a real person then this is the time for you to make a move.” Matthew demands. “Why didn’t you go to the fan sign? That was obviously an invitation!”
Honestly Hanbin is surprised his best friend had lasted this long before he’s asked him. But Hanbin had been hoping Matthew would never ask the question.
Starting a conversation with Hao online meant, obviously, that anyone who follows them would see about it. There are numerous ongoing speculations about it, too.
Some people assumes that the whole thing was a huge social media promotional campaign for Hao and his first solo album, Always. Some people assumes that it is now just promotion for ZEROBASEONE’s upcoming album.
But most, if not at least all of Hao’s fans, knew it to be real and the number of people who finds it sweet far outnumbers the unhappy fans who are realizing they didn’t actually have a chance with their idol. Hanbin just blocks any nasty messages he gets, especially the weird DMs he gets too.
“If he wanted to talk to me in private, he would have messaged me privately,” Hanbin answers while he’s typing up his next tweet meant to bait Hao into covering IVE’s latest single. “And going to a fan sign is not as easy, as you know.”
Matthew looked like he had something else to say, but he seemes to have thought better of it and left. Happy that his friend is letting it go for now, Hanbin returns to his post and is just about to send it off until he sees the next notification that pops up.
ZEROBASEONE has sent you a Direct Message!
ZEROBASEONE
this is han yujin. hao hyung said your name is bin and you’re my hyung so i’m calling you bin hyung. bin hyung… do you still like hao hyung? is this whole thing just fun for you? because unless you’re serious about hao hyung and you like him as a person then please stop messaging him. i don’t care if hao hyung still likes you. jiwoong hyung knows someone who knows someone who can kick you butt. but if you do like hao hyung, please get us out of your misery and CONFESS. i can’t take this pining anymore.
Please don’t take offense on Yujin! He’s just super protective of Hao hyung! (Although if you ARE just having fun with hyung then we will all get Jiwoong hyung’s friend to kick your butt) On the off chance that you care about Hao hyung then please don’t make this harder on him. Please talk to him.
This is Kim Gyuvin by the way. PS: Hao hyung said you were a great dancer. I didn’t believe him. But after watching your cover of VIVIZ sunbaebim’s Maniac I have to agree.
PPS: If you still have access to your WeChat old account… you might want to check it out, Bin hyung. If you don’t have access to it anymore then you probably don’t deserve Hao hyung.
Somehow… Hanbin feels a sudden guilt shoot through him.
Has Hao… tried to contact him at their WeChat??
Immediately, Hanbin rushes to his room where he’s kept his old phone—the one that still has WeChat installed and that, up until a few years ago, he used to open just so he could scroll up their messaging chain and reminisce. It’s been a few years since he’s turned it on since he’s basically memorized the whole thing.
It’s an old phone so it takes a few minutes than normal to boot up and connect to their WiFi. Hanbin has basically worked himself up during this short period of time. There is even a few minutes that he worried the phone doesn’t work anymore.
Finally, finally it loads and with a shaky thumb he clicks on the icon so that it would load.
haobao new messages!
haobao: hi bin
haobao: you can’t imagine how long it took me to type up those 2 words and for me to send it to you ha haha
haobao: you probably don’t even look at this account and im just panicking for nothing :c
haobao: in any case i still wanted to send you an explanation if ever you do see this message at some point
haobao: seems like only the right thing to do, right?
haobao: i’m sorry for suddenly disappearing and leaving you without proper explanation all those years ago. i hope you knew how much our friendship was important to me and that if i didn’t have to, i wouldn’t have just up and left without telling you the whole truth
haobao: i’m so sorry bin
haobao: i’m procrastinating by not typing it
haobao: wow why is this so hard
haobao: you’re probably never going to read this actually so why am i nervous
haobao: fine i’m just going for it
haobao: back then (and even now if i’m being honest) i was SO in love with you
haobao: i had this grand plan of moving to korea, showing up on your door step (you should really stop sharing your address to your online friends) and confessing. except you know how i feel about confessing aka i HATE the idea of it
haobao: but then… i was scouted and at first i kept saying no no no no until one day i said yes and before i knew it i was already moving to korea but i couldn’t show up on your doorstep
haobao: a newbie trainee and idol wasn’t allowed to be in a relationship and my contract even specifically mentions i can’t speak to my “girlfriend/boyfriend” anymore
haobao: i was a dumbass :< i didn’t have to sign this contract but i was a foolish teenager and i gave you up, bin
haobao: at first i thought i could get over you (dumbass idea #1)
haobao: but that didn’t happen because despite the glamour of the industry, nothing beats the shine YOU bring bin
haobao: so… i decided to stalk you (ha haha) (dumbass idea #2)
haobao: it was hard to figure out what was happening with you while i was still a trainee but then i debuted and… i struck gold
haobao: i know you know what i’m talking about
haobao: but I couldn't reach out to you because how could i? and every day i hated myself for it
haobao: you should hear how much yujinnie and the other boys complained about how much i talked about you
haobao: and to be honest… how was the company ever going to find out about you if i hadn’t told them??? why was i such a dumbass??? why didn’t i disobey them?
Hanbin wipes a tear from his eye. Hao hyung has always been true to himself and lying so blatantly is not his forte.
There’s an ache in his chest for teenage Hao hyung who did not know what to do about his crush as he moved to a foreign country surrounded by the stress of the entertainment industry. Hanbin sincerely hopes that by now he’s more confident in who he is and what he can and should not do.
haobao: today i recorded something
haobao: i meant every word. i hope it would reach you.
haobao: it took a while to come out but… did you watch it?
haobao: i’m trying my hardest not to panic because you’ve been oddly quiet on your account
haobao: i’m sorry if you didn't actually want me to say anything and i did and i hope you could forgive me
haobao: i just wanted you to know the truth of my feelings from before
haobao: bin, i can say the words out now legally bec our new company doesn't care and you have no idea how much that has lifted off my shoulders
haobao: i had worried so much when i debuted about how you’ll react. i was so afraid you would hate me, that you’d think i threw you aside just for my dreams. but you didn’t
haobao: instead you showered me with love and support and every message you posted on your account had brought me so much joy and support
haobao: on difficult days (and there’s quite a lot of them) i would open your account and scroll and i’m reminded of how much you’ve always supported me
haobao: you got me going all this time
haobao: i loved you back then
haobao: and if given the opportunity i know i can prove to you that i still love you now
haobao: i already do
haobao: your tweets are hilarious and you're so endearing
haobao: why won't you just message me directly bin :<
haobao: did you really delete this chat? was i really that unimportant
haobao: i know i left first but
haobao: i guess i can't really complain… i was the one who left after all
haobao: bin i luvskbgr;finasc;ofcopnqeryb8w
haobao: huipbc;or
haobao: talk to me
haobao: bin, do you still remember what our plan to meet up was? if you come there at around 12 midnight i’ll be waiting. it doesn’t matter what date, i’ll be there
haobao: i’m back because i realized my earlier message may have been too hasty and i may be a dumbass and i’m trying hard not to also be a fool
haobao: we are flying out to japan on march 15th for some japanese promos so every day until the 14th at midnight i’ll wait for you there. and if you don't come… i’ll give up. i promise.
haobao: but i hope you come see me
The messages spanned a couple of months and if Hanbin isn't frazzled with nerves he would have realized the messages started the very day ZEROBASEONE signed a new contract with BL Entertainment. What he does notice is that the last message was sent almost 9 days ago and that today was exactly March 14th and it was 11:06 PM.
There are a lot of questions to be asked and a lot of clarifications needed before their previous comfortable relationship can be restored back to what it was, but Hanbin needs to go now if he wants to even have that option left.
Immediately, Hanbin starts throwing on his winter wear while multi-tasking to get his hair in a presentable state. In the midst of all the chaos, Matthew must have heard him.
“Where are you going?” his best friend asks as he checks the clock. “It’s almost midnight!”
“I have to make it to Han River before midnight!” Hanbin answers, already at the door to put on his boots and checking himself one last time. “Bye, Matthew! Wish me luck!”
Han River is, coincidentally, close to where he and Matthew actually lived. It costs a lot, but Hanbin’s daycare pay is surprisingly high and Matthew’s own work paid well. The river is about 15 minutes walk from their apartment, but Hanbin had made it there in 10. The consequence is that he is a wheezing mess when he arrives and he doesn’t even know where he’s supposed to go.
It is 11:31 PM and the truth is Hanbin has no idea where to look. Hangang Park consists of different sections of other parks. Hanbin could maybe start running around, checking to see if he could spot a lone figure waiting for him. But, the reality is where would he even begin to look?
In the numerous messages back and forth about their plans to meet at Han River they never really mentioned a specific place. Why would they? They were both teenagers just throwing unrealistic ideas around after all.
Should Hanbin run to Yeouido Park? Or would Hao prefer to hide in Banpo Park? Or even Nanji Park? But what if Hao wasn’t actually in one place either? What if he’s also walking around and—
God.
Hanbin is an idiot.
With shaky hands Hanbin connects his old phone to his current phone’s hotspot so that he could turn WeChat on.
haobao’s status says he’s online.
beeen_613: where are you hyung
haobao: [attached Google Maps pin of his location]
As soon as the directions is on, Hanbin runs.
Does Hanbin know where he’s going? No, but hopefully Google Maps does.
Does Hanbin know what he’s going to do when he gets there? Hell no. Hanbin just hopes Hao hyung is still waiting when he gets there and then, maybe, the two of them can figure the rest out.
As soon as Google Maps tells him he’s arrived at his destination, Hanbin abruptly stops.
He’s ran so much he’s stopped paying attention to where he’s going, just blindly following the directions he’s being given, so he could have ended up somewhere in Busan and he wouldn’t have known.
Luckily, Hanbin is still in Hangang Park and under the umbrella of darkness and the time of the night, there is only one other person in his general vicinity. Actually, even if they were surrounded by a crowd of people, Hanbin would have been able to pinpoint where Hao hyung is.
And now that he was here, Hanbin’s hope of finding the right words disappeared. His tongue feels too big for his own mouth that just opening his mouth seems impossible.
However, Hanbin knew that it was his turn to speak first.
Hao hyung had already declared his feelings for him to the (Kpop-following) world. Hao hyung has even sent him private messages to tell him how he still feels. Hanbin has not responded to either one of them. So, now, it was his turn.
Hanbin figures he can start with something true.
“You’re about 4 years too late, Hao hyung. Didn’t you say you’ll come see me as soon as you arrived in Korea? Something about travelling straight from the airport to my house in Cheonan?” he says.
The words startle Hao who turns around so quickly he almost stumbled. Hanbin immediately ran up to him to hold him steady, instinct of taking care of others overcoming him and making him forget that the person before him is Hao hyung (his idol, almost a stranger, his first love).
Hao hyung looks up at him, eyes wide as he breathes out, “Bin…” He looks impossibly shocked at seeing Hanbin, almost like he had no idea he would be coming even though Hanbin had basically asked him for his location. “You actually came.”
“Why are you shocked, hyung? Didn’t I tell you I was coming though?” Hanbin says. After straightening up Hao hyung, Hanbin takes a small step back.
Even though he was an expert in Zhang Hao and haobao, Hanbin had always assumed that he is shorter than him. He knew his height from all the numerous profile the older man has done, but it’s never really clicked to him that they were basically the same height. Hao hyung just does this thing, this hunch of his shoulders that makes him look utterly small when he’s far from it.
“You asked me where I was, but you didn’t say you were coming,” Hao hyung responds, his eyebrows scrunched together while a pout is on his lips.
True.
“Well, I was coming,” Hanbin clarifies, shoving his hands dep in his coat pocket. “Here I am. And no, I am not quoting your debut song.”
The silly joke makes Hao hyung smile and giggle, effectively cutting the tension that Hanbin didn’t even knew was weighing down the other man. It reminds him that although he’s technically known Hao hyung since they were teenagers and followed him as an idol, there’s so much more he doesn’t know about him yet.
“I just didn’t think you’d come…” Hao hyung admits, his voice shaky. “I’ve been coming here for 9 days so I didn’t really think today was going to be any different. I didn’t even know if you still had your WeChat.”
Even before he came here Hanbin knew he wouldn’t mention Yujin and Gyuvin’s messages, at least not today. Hao would probably be very upset with his group mates and friends if he finds out they meddled. Sometime in the future they’ll joke about this. Hanbin’s sure.
“I haven’t opened it in at least 2 years…” Hanbin tells him. Inside the pocket of his coat he’s clutching the phone housing the said application. “Why didn’t you just message me on Twitter, hyung? You obviously know it exists.”
Even under the dark Hanbin could tell the mention of his Twitter account has embarrassed Hao. Why? He doesn’t know. If there’s anyone here who should be embarrassed, it should be him because the amount of praises and yearning he’s posted there… god.
“I…” Hao hyung takes a gulp of air, holds it in, and then breathes out, “…don’t know.”
The obviously honest admission makes Hanbin smile. Good to know that he’s not the only one struggling with answers at the moment.
And looking at Hao hyung right now, covered head to toe in thick jackets, scarf, mittens and beanie… Hanbin doesn’t just see Zhang Hao, instead he sees his online best friend and first love, haobao. There is no question in his mind that the rest of the world doesn’t matter, the two of them can take it one step at a time.
“It doesn’t matter,” Hanbin says with surety.
Hao looks at him in question.
To answer the unspoken question, Hanbin gathers all the courage he could manage to say the words he’s kept to himself for years to the man who was meant to hear them. Hanbin confesses, “What really matters is that Hao hyung… you are myfirst love.”
Just like earlier, Hao hyung looks so shocked once more. His eyes widens and his mouth drops slightly. “You—you do? I am?” he clarifies.
“Wasn’t that obvious?” Hanbin asks with a shy smile, “You’ve seen my posts about you.”
Hao shakes his head, crossing his arms either in defiance or to shield himself from the sudden chill in the wind. “But those could be love for an idol and not me as a person.”
“Hyung, I knew you as you before you became an idol. Please give me some credit,” Hanbin says with slight disappointment in his tone. He understands what Hao hyung means, of course, but the insinuation that Hanbin wouldn’t have fallen in love with him before he became an idol felt like an insult.
The disappointment must have been more obvious than Hanbin had expected it to be because Hao hyung immediately drops his arms and reaches over to tug at Hanbin’s own scarf. For no such useful reason, the action felt comforting.
Instead of following after their conversation, Hao hyung instead opens up a door that Hanbin had been planning on keeping closed for a little while longer.
“Could you ever forgive me for leaving?” Hao asks, twirling the scarf around and around his hand and arms until Hanbin had no option but to come closer. Of course, Hanbin lets the other man do so. Hao hyung could have done anything and Hanbin would have followed. From the very first day, haobao had his heart and it’s honestly a crime that Hao hyung doesn’t understand this fact.
There’s a few answers Hanbin could think about at this very moment: I have long forgiven you for it, I understand why you did it, I could never actually be mad at you, and I love you, hyung.
But Hanbin knows none of these words would be enough for Hao hyung who has obviously carried this burden with him for the past 4 years. And this is also, slightly, for himself who has had to put behind his feelings for god knows how long.
“Hao hyung…” Hanbin reaches over to touch the older man’s cheeks, a reach that wasn’t too far because Hao hyung has basically tangled his whole scarf around his hands in a bundle. “Do you remember when I told you I was gay?”
Hao hyung tilts his face up to look at Hanbin’s eyes. Winter is fading in the background to give way for Spring, but the cold chill of Hangang river is enough to still let small puffs of their breathe curl in the air.
“I welcomed you to the club,” Hao hyung reminisces fondly.
“You promised me there are welcoming cookies,” Hanbin reminds him, smiling so hard he knew his whiskers are out in full force. “I never told you how I came about the realization.”
A small pout graces Hao hyung’s lips again. “I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to hear about your crush on other boys, Bin. And I still don’t!” he huffs.
Adorable. Hao hyung is adorable. Hanbin couldn’t help himself as he pokes a finger at Hao hyung’s dimple.
“Who knew haobao gets easily jealous?” Hanbin teases. “Maybe I should have told you how I realized I was gay back then, huh? Would hyung have whined at me? Would you have sent me another violin cover to make sure my attention is kept on you?”
“Bin!” Hao huffs as he tries to move his cheeks away from Hanbin’s poking finger. He didn’t try hard enough or he didn’t try at all because Hanbin had managed to keep his cheeks where they were, engulfed in his own hands with their faces close to each other.
“Your jealousy is unfounded, hyung. I told you, you are my first love…” Hanbin makes sure he kept his gaze steady on Hao hyung’s own ones as he finishes, “and I still love you now. I never really stopped.”
Using the sudden surge of courage he really doesn’t know where it came from, Hanbin leans over to kiss the other man he’s loved for almost half his life.
Hao hyung’s lips are a little bit chapped, but he’s soft and warm and sweet. Afraid he was pushing his luck, Hanbin doesn’t move any closer, just lets their lips touch enough for him to be surrounded by Hao hyung’s smell and taste and warmth. It’s a kiss that encapsulated the definition of ‘first love’ and the reciprocated feelings that beeen_613 and haobao had for each other back when they kept it to themselves.
It would have been enough for Hanbin to make his point and he was definitely about to move away so they could continue their conversation. However, Hanbin’s brain stops working the moment Hao hyung parts his lips a little and lets out a little whine.
“Bin, kiss me properly~”
Hao kisses him this time, lips already parted and immediately coaxes Hanbin’s own to let him in. The earlier softness of their first kiss disappeared under the slight sting of Hao’s teeth biting his lips. The previous warmth spreads all over him that he could feel it all the way down to his toes. The sweetness is replaced by exploring lips threatening to devour every bit of Hanbin’s sanity.
With even fuzzier brain Hanbin registers Hao’s tied up hands tugging his scarf even closer until he was definitely leaning over the other man, the tugs bringing them down, down, down until Hanbin is the only reason that they’re upright.
Hanbin feels himself throb all over as Hao continues tugging his scarf, suffers through the overwhelming desire to—
“Fuck!” Hanbin curses as the two of them almost topple over where they were standing. He barely caught Hao’s hips with his hand and it felt like a miracle that he does so because he currently feels like he’s lost all feelings in his limbs. Once he knows they were safely standing again, he checks up on the other man, “Are you okay, hyung?”
“I am,” Hao answers, voice hoarse. But he doesn’t look okay. His eyes are red rimmed with tears down his cheeks while his lips are red and a little bruised. There’s a smile on those very same lips, though, and it eases the worry in Hanbin’s chest. “I promise I’m okay, Bin.”
In the quiet of the park, Hanbin helps Hao untangle the scarf from his hands. And then they both take a step back, both unsure of what to do next.
How do you go from meeting for the first time to kissing each other senseless in half an hour? If someone knows the answer, please let Hanbin know what to do.
“You—” Hao starts the same time Hanbin says “Should we—”
They both stop.
“I’ll go first,” Hao says with a softness that feels out of place after what just happened. “I’m going to Japan for two weeks for promotion. You have that two weeks to decide what you want to happen between… this.”
“This?” Hanbin clarifies just to be difficult. He could see Hao’s little roll of his eyes and a small upturn of his lips so he knows he’s in the clear.
“Us,” Hao still answers him and despite the surety of his words, the worry on his face betrays him. “I know I basically told everyone about you, but no one really knows for sure. Everyone speculates about who you are and the last few days of us posting replies to each other doesn’t help. But if you decide you don’t want this then we can easily claim it as a promotional tactic and sweep it under the rug.”
It feels like an out.
“If you choose… me then I want all of you and every part of you. I’ve had to hide you for too long, I don’t want to hide some more,” Hao continues on without letting Hanbin interrupt. “If you choose this then I hope we can be open about it—about us. I’m not going to ask you to just give up your privacy! I can’t do that! But I want to be able to show the world how much you mean to me… Does that… Does that make sense?”
Hao is giving him an out.
“I also know that I made you wait for far too long for an explanation, but in two weeks… do you think you’ll have an answer for me?” Hao asks, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
“How do you want me to answer?” Hanbin asks.
“However you want to answer. I’m sure I’ll understand it,” Hao says confidently and then in a softer and lower volume, “I trust you. Always.”
Despite the heavy weight of the decision being placed on Hanbin’s shoudlers, the words makes him smile.
“Always.” Hanbin echoes.
After making sure Hao is in a taxi to get him back to their dorm, Hanbin goes to walk back to his apartment. Hao had tried to get him to take a taxi too, but he declined because the walk back is a good way to gather his thoughts.
Hanbin needs to clear his head. Not to think about his decision because he’s already made up his mind as soon as he saw Hao hyung’s lone figure waiting for him at the place they’ve talked about a long time ago.
What Hanbin needs to do is to figure out how, even if it’s a month too late, he can answer Hao’s confession.
bin @beeen_613
i will always love you. i loved you when we were teenagers and i love you even now. is this confession direct enough for you, hao hyung? -binZEROBASEONE @ZB1_official
i’ve always been yours, @beeen_613 -Hao
Janey @ibloomforzb1
OMG it is 2:00 am in Korea and everyone is going to have a wild time once they wake up to bin’s tweet I AM EXCITED TO SEE THE BREAKDOWNmel @issajebewonfan
can i just say… I KNEW IT I CALLED IT HA!!!!mel @issajebewonfan
also, i’m so happy for them!!!!matt @syusyu
@beeen_613 um HELLO you couldn’t have knocked on my door to tell me this? i had to find out from the INTERNETmatt @syusyu
@beeen_613 congratulations hyung
haobao: what happened to 2 weeks?
beeen_613: technically youre the one who said i should take the 2 weeks to make a decision
beeen_613: i knew how i was gonna answer as soon as you told me you loved me
haobao: so you just let me go home worrying if i was ever going to see you again or not??? when you already knew???
beeen_613: well you did say i can answer however i want and you would always understand 🤔
haobao: i hope that didn’t force your hand, bin
haobao: i know i kind of said i would like to stop hiding you but tbh i would take anything as long as i got to keep you
haobao: which maybe i should have you told earlier instead of making it seem as if it was all or nothing???
haobao: cause now it feels like i forced your hand
haobao: it’s not too late we can maybe still do damage control!
beeen_613: hao hyung
haobao: what, sung hanbin
beeen_613: i love you
haobao: oh
haobao: um
haobao: 🙈
beeen_613: this is maybe a few years too late but better late than never right?
beeen_613: when you come back in 2 weeks let’s go on a date
beeen_613: we can order in food and drink lots of zero cola and we can sing and dance along to all the girl group songs we never got to talk about the past 4 years
beeen_613: what do you say hao hyung?
haobao: ><
haobao: always