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Amidst the joy and excitement of his solo debut and successful days of concert, Sungjin somehow feels something is still missing. Even though he has been told that he is doing such a great job, he feels hollow. He appreciates all of the support that he has been given, but he feels unsettled. Something is incomplete.
Empty.
He scanned the crowds unconsciously, almost every time he got a chance, with a tiny sliver of hope that he would find a male with a lanky figure and spectacles—black jet hair, maybe, seated in a faraway corner with a warm smile tugged on his lips. Sungjin knows it was a futile attempt, but he tries anyway. He misses Park Jaehyung too much.
It was hard for everyone when Jaehyung left. It was hard when the dynamic had to change. Sure, the other bandmates could pick up things fast, but Sungjin felt like he lost everything when he realized that Jae would never stand on his right side anymore. Nothing would become the same as it’s used to. At least, Sungjin only took a role as the band’s leader and wouldn’t bother to be the oldest of the group when he had Jae take responsibility in the past.
But sometimes, life could be so cruel.
Today, Sungjin decided to stay behind and lounge in his room, after all of the euphoria had quieted in the surpassing days. Wonpil is nowhere to be found, probably holed up in the studio for another brainstorming session for the upcoming album. It was a routine for them, to keep running and challenging their ability within the sleepless nights and countless efforts, just like the past. Just like when they are young and still complete.
Sungjin sighed heavily before deciding to have his alone time for a while. He sits on fresh sheets of his bed and scrolls over his social networking account absentmindedly—which he rarely does. It was all fun and smile until an unforeseen string tugged his already mellow heart.
Proud of you always.
It feels strange to know that the person with who he shared their youth—chasing their dreams with sweat, blood, and tears, suddenly becomes the farthest one away. Sungjin feels so contemplated as he sighs in silence, of how a phrase could make his heart dwell.
He misses Jae.
His fingers hover over Jaehyung’s contact number but he feels hesitant to make a first move as he used to. They were so close in the past, the inseparable duo of the band’s guitarist, the oldest of the group, a place where Sungjin could rely on all of his worries. He misses those moments before everything happened.
Before their separated ways.
He pushes the longing feeling aside when he hears the commotion at the front door, seeing Wonpil strut to his room with a long stretch of tired limbs. Ever since Jae and Dowoon moved out to their respective place, the dorm has become quiet. No shouting sound whenever someone doing badly on their video games, no boiling water in the kitchen every time he walks down to get something from the fridge, or no ruckus in the shared bedroom when everyone is already late to the schedule.
No comforting smile from Jae when Sungjin feels so exhausted with everything.
“…-jin hyung, are you alright?” A soft voice breaking his reverie of thought. The older male looks up from whatever he needs to pick up from the kitchen earlier and sees a slight worry on the younger face. When Wonpil worries, he worries too much.
“Uh—I’m fine.” He says in assuring tone, trying not to sound too sad or depressed, but Wonpil doesn’t seem to buy it. “I think I need to go for a walk.” He tries to find an excuse.
Wonpil was on his guard, scrutinizing the older in a suffocating silence and Sungjin rarely feels awkward, but this time, he does. In the past, he could sway it dismissively, but as he grows up, he tends to put meaning into everything.
“Wonpil-ah..” He speaks with uncertainty, almost fidgety in tone. “...what—what if Jae is still here with us today?” He asks vaguely to the younger male, but mostly a question to himself. “Does he feel proud of what we achieve right now?”
That is a sensitive topic he brought up, Sungjin knows it too well, but he needs someone to clarify whatever damn thought that has bugged his mind ever since a long time ago, ever since Jaehyung left. He knows it’s not just him to suffers from all the responsibilities and undefined feelings, the bandmates too. They were being so tricky and playful to not mention Jae’s name directly to the public, but constantly dropped a few subtle hints here and there as if it were enough to say that they were missing their oldest brother too much.
The younger looks baffled for seconds before smiling assuringly. “He does, hyung,” Wonpil says. “Jaehyung hyung will always be proud of us, DAY6, and especially you, Sungjin hyung.”
As he becomes more mature and grown-up, Sungjin thinks his heart grows weaker and more sensitive. He cries easily at the softest touch of words and, magically, the bandmates too. Wonpil just nods understandingly when Sungjin says nothing to reply because he knows the leader feels so overwhelmed right now. He needs a space to clear out his mind, to feel a night breeze, and hopefully to make him stay true to the ground.
To make him not too dearly miss someone far away.
But, unfortunately, he already did.
He misses Park Jaehyung too damn much.
+
It’s been days.
Jaehyung was lounging in his room, supposedly to work on some lyrics and melodies but he rather enjoys to put Sungjin’s solo album on repeat, day and night. He is proud of him, his ex-leader, his ex-bandmates, his guitar companion, and his best friend. He knows all the consequences of his action to publicly support the younger male, but it doesn’t stop him from doing it anyway.
He is proud of him, always.
Park Sungjin deserves all of the fruition of his hard work.
His cat followed suit, putting themselves into a comfortable position and caged the lanky male to not move anywhere around. Jaehyung chuckled lightly as the cats purred softly afterward. Sungjin’s raspy voice continued to sing in the background as if giving him some assurance of an unforeseen future.
He didn’t know if he wanted to turn back the time if he got a chance to.
But somehow, after all of these struggling days, he misses to be around the boys. He misses the ruckus that the younger ones always made, of how they would love to tease each other, of how they spent hours in that dingy little studio to make music and feel alive.
It was well-spent years and he will never regret his choice back then.
He sighs deeply.
Aside from Sungjin’s recent work, he always follows the news about the band and congratulates them in the silence of his room whenever the boys achieve something that they were dreaming about it in the past. Today, he is not a part of the band anymore, but he is proud of the result of their hard work. It takes long damn years, but look at how the boys walk on the flowery road right now.
He is the proudest man alive.
A soft ding on his devices put his thoughts to a halt. He reaches out his phone to see whether the noise is worthy of his attention. It was a chat bubble. Jaehyung noticed the sender very damn well and felt like his eyes betrayed him at that very moment.
Park Sungjin.
He hesitated.
They are still contacting each other occasionally, albeit under the radar. It’s weird how the world changes for them, from close bandmates to almost a stranger in public eyes. No interactions are allowed to be exposed to avoid any scandal. Funny.
Jaehyung didn’t reply, instead, he put him on a call. He had to fight the time difference when it was so easy for them to be together in the past. The older male waits until the static noise is changed into a voice that he missed from the other line.
“Hi, Jae.” He recalls the voice ever being so close. “Thanks.”
He knows that Sungjin knows, but he still asks nonchalantly. “For what?”
“For still supporting me and the boys.” He heard, the tone was too soft for Sungjin’s raspy voice. “For always proud of each one of us.”
Jaehyung answers in silence.
“When will you be back in Seoul again?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs to no one. “Maybe while I’m on a concert tour later.” He speaks almost in a casual tone, shuffling his feet and getting up from his bed. “But I don’t think we will have a chance to meet.”
“I know.” A deep and tired sigh. “I missed us.”
It hits hard.
“Aren’t you busy right now?” He sounds so dismissive and tries to avoid the talk about the past. It still hurts him to talk about it. He does miss his boys.
“No,” Sungjin says, belatedly realizing how far Jaehyung sounds right now. “They give us rest for some days, but the schedule is surely packed.”
Jaehyung answers in silence again.
Sungjin shared another silence.
“I miss you.”
The words pulled the last string of Jaehyung’s yearning heart.
“Fuck, I didn’t expect to hear that from you, Sungjin.” He tries to control his unwanted emotions. A sudden-formed lump threatens to burst inside his chest. “How dare you do this to me now?”
“Sorry for being selfish, Jae.” He heard a muffled tone across the line. “But it’s also hard for me when you left.” Another muffled voice. “It’s like, my anchor is gone and nowhere to be found.”
“You still have the boys.” He can’t help but state the fact, tone too bitter even for his liking. “I’m on my own, Sungjin.”
The harsh truth.
No replies for a moment and Jae checks for the line. It’s still connected.
“Sungjin?”
A muffled sob.
Damn.
“Sungjin, sorry I—”
“It’s okay, Jae.” He tries to calm his rapidly beating heart, but the sobs are hard to control. “I just become more sensitive these days and cry easily.” The tone is forcefully cheerful. “It’s okay.”
He wants to hug him, comforting the younger male like they used to in the past, but he can’t. It hurts him to just hear the cries. He didn’t know what he would do if he saw Sungjin cry his heart out. He probably just kissed the pain away.
No, it’s totally off the record.
No other feelings should be involved in a situation like this.
“Hey, uhm—” The older male hesitates for a while. “I think we still can make it.” Jaehyung suddenly looks at a flight schedule on his computer screen. “Let me know if you have time around Lunar New Year. I think I can visit my grandma and we can meet on the day after.”
“Jae?”
“I hate to say it, but—” He takes a deep breath, long before he finally admits his feelings. “I miss you too.”
He could see a smile, a genuine smile blossoming on the younger male handsome face, as he also sporting the same one. They then chuckle lightly and giggle, feeling somewhat relieved. The line is still connecting, but maybe this time, their heart will also reconnect again.
He hoped it was as simple as that.
+
The day that they eventually meet is approaching.
Sungjin is back early to Seoul from his hometown where he spent the last couple of days celebrating the holiday, feeling so nervous. He rarely feels like this before, but something about meeting Jaehyung this time is unexplainable. It’s like something is about to shift between them.
He doesn’t know why.
Jaehyung is spacing out in his hotel room. He had prepared a gift, belatedly for Sungjin’s birthday which happened almost a couple of weeks ago. Damn, he feels so nervous after sending their appointed meeting point. He searched for a while and found a little quaint coffee shop that would be perfect for them.
He arrived early after bidding goodbye to the taxi driver and grabbed the gift he prepared almost tightly. He carefully chose the flower bouquet that would not trigger his allergic reaction and the small box contained an actual gift. Jaehyung sits in the empty corner, places his order, and waits for Sungjin to come. He sighs heavily, nervousness is apparent in his system.
Sungjin heaved deeply after he parked his car within walking distance of the coffee shop before checking his reflection in the rearview. He adjusted his mask and tidied up his long hair, before walking in long steps to the entrance, feeling so overwhelmed as he instantly recognized a familiar figure that he missed the longest.
The older male is still lost in his thoughts, unaware of the longing eyes behind him for a short second, only for the waiter to break the bubble as she greets another new customer who comes after Sungjin. Jaehyung jumps from his chair with a shocked expression on his face—knocking out the bouquet that he planned to give to the younger male on their initial meet.
“Shit, you scare the fuck out of me, Sungjin.” He heard the younger giggles before he picks up the flower from the floor and casually gives to the male before him. “How long have you been standing there?”
Sungjin put down his mask and pressed a small smile, feeling content as he received the bouquet from the older male. It feels like a couple meeting in secret, except they are not a couple to start with. The chair is being dragged out as Sungjin replies. “A minute or so.” He says. “You’re so deep in thought, Jaehyung hyung.”
The said male smiles, missing the feeling of how the honorific rolls out so softly from Sungjin’s mouth. It’s been a while since he was called an older brother. Heck, it’s been years.
“How is the boys?” This is not the initial question he wants to ask at the moment they meet, but Jaehyung can’t help himself. He knows the general news of the band, snatching awards here and there, but he needs more personal updates from the bandmate he was a part of.
“They are good, more or less are busy with the schedules and band practices.” Sungjin gives practical answers because that is what they are running about these days. “Brian has more personal schedules here and there, Dowoon is still with his drum, and Wonpil is being Wonpil.” Sungjin chuckles lightly.
Jaehyung follows along and giggles lightly. He could easily picture the dynamic and the chaos in between, of how Sungjin tries his hardest to manage the team, being an observant, listener, and a decision-maker all at once. The younger male melodious tone is ringing so pleasantly in Jaehyung’s ears. He smiles.
When Sungjin is busy placing his order, Jaehyung glances briefly. The male before him looked more mature after the military service and keeping the hair longer was the best decision that Sungjin ever made. It puts softness on the rough edges and surprisingly it softens his heart as well. A change that has hardly to seen in the past.
The waiter girl is long gone and they are occupied in silence for the first time, like lovers who hesitate, but they are not lovers. Not yet or probably never be.
The older male heaves a deep sigh.
He sees Sungjin’s fidgety fingers on the table as if silently asking to be held, so he tests his luck. A roll of surprised eyes was apparent followed by a confused look on the younger male, but thankfully, Sungjin didn’t think to let his hands go. He looked at Jaehyung with those sparkly eyes that he was hard to decipher.
“How about you, Sungjin?” He asked, softly. “How are you?”
Suddenly, there is a lump in his throat that makes his head tilt toward the ceiling for a split second. The soft tone and Jaehyung’s naturally soothing voice make his tears about to burst. It’s the simplest act of affection but his heart dwells so much that it hurts. His lips are pressed in thin lines as if he is trying hard to not break down at any moment now. Their heart, wrenching at the same moment.
“Sorry, hyung, I’m just—” Sungjin choked on his voice. “I’m—”
It’s okay, Jaehyung answers in silence, and makes a soothing circle on the younger’s hand. It’s okay, Sungjin-ah. I’m here.
It’s hard to comprehend what he is feeling right now, but Sungjin feels like he found his anchor again. The hold in his hands is warm or maybe even warmer than he has ever known before. The smile is so understanding that he wants to keep the older male for himself.
Somehow, he felt so selfish for anything that related to Jaehyung.
After what feels like an eternity, Jaehyung clears his throat. “Are you okay now?” He puts an understanding tone. “We will have a lot to talk.” He chuckles.
Sungjin follows suit and laughs lightly. The boyish features that Jaehyung once loved and always loved are apparent on the younger male handsome face. He missed him. He missed them.
Whatever them was related to.
+
They spent hours talking, but mostly Sungjin who looked so bubbly and overly excited, meanwhile Jaehyung listened, nodded, and smiled in response. It’s their long-lost dynamic and he feels glad that it was easy for them to back into their casual rhythm, even though this time it may not stay longer like what they had in the past.
It hurts.
The clock is ticking but it feels like a blink of an eye. Both males are adamant about not going their separate ways and somehow Jaehyung still keeps his little gift for Sungjin in his pocket—couldn’t find a time to give it to the younger male on their previous conversation. He tries to find a way to extend their time together, even if it’s just for another minute.
“I need to give something to you,” Jaehyung says through his teeth. “But, I leave it in my hotel room.” It’s not the truth, but he needs to buy some time. “I might not see you again soon, so—”
“No worries, hyung,” Sungjin replies, almost too fast to Jaehyung’s liking. “I’ll drive you back to the hotel.”
It’s almost a failed attempt but Jaehyung is glad it’s work. He rarely lies but this time he had to. The journey back to his hotel was not really in complete silence. The soft laughter fills the air.
They arrive a little closer to midnight, awkward steps within a polite distance after the ding sound of the elevator to the floor where Jaehyung had accommodated himself for the past days. Sungjin gulps in silence, eyes warily wandering when the older male fumbles with the card keys.
Clumsy Jae.
Sungjin reached out and stretched his hands to help as the card was flopping out from Jaehyung’s pocket. It was an accidental touch and both males were too quick to retract their hand.
It feels electrified.
“Uh—”
Jaehyung casts his eyes down and noticeably smearing a delightful pink on his cheeks for a split second. Sungjin was gazing in silence. Then, to not make a fool of himself even further in front of the younger male, he was quick to grab Sungjin’s wrists, pull him into the room as if he was afraid that someone might notice them, and make the younger put out a muffled oofs as he almost stumbled on his own feet. The door was closed and locked so quickly.
“Hyung?” Sungjin somehow worried. “Are you okay?”
They exchanged gazes in silence, as fast as Jaehyung strides to close their distance, and Sungjin, somehow, didn’t retract. The younger male decided to challenge himself, challenge his feelings.
Jaehyung’s voice sounds too breathy to Sungjin’s liking.
“No.” He says. “I’m not okay, Sungjin.” He continues, trying to gauge the younger male’s reaction for whatever damn reason. “How am I supposed to be okay tonight?” He asked.
It’s not like they never stood to each other this close before, but somehow the closeness within them tonight vibrates very—very differently. The difference is so subtle that Sungjin can’t even find a word to describe it. His tongue was tied.
The older male took his height advantage to overpower Sungjin, standing like that for another mere second, examining with silent gazes. No one moves.
Then, a click. A very soft click that was ringing into their ears.
+
It was Jaehyung who took the first move to seal their lips altogether.
There was a soft gasp, a slide of hands to each other’s cheeks, nape, and waist, followed by angled heads that happened simultaneously. The hunger that was lurking in the shadow was somehow satisfied.
Then, a break.
A soft curl of lips was apparent on Sungjin’s face, hands steady on the older male’s waist. Jaehyung casts his eyes down almost shyly, rolls those lovely beads, and mocks Sungjin in silence. “What?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Sungjin lightly chuckled, gazes are warm. For once, their eyes spoke a thousand words in silence. The feeling is pleasantly overwhelming and flowers are suddenly blooming. He didn’t know if the feeling of reciprocating could be this beautiful.
Jaehyung follows suit, unaware of Sungjin's next move which is seemingly calculated. The younger stole a peck, giggled, and looked ethereally beautiful with his Beluga whale signature smile before leaning on Jaehyung’s chest and hiding his blushing face.
Cute, Jaehyung muttered lovingly in silence.
“I miss you.” He then heard a soft mumble and couldn’t help but smile again. Sungjin is not an affectionate person to start with, unlike Wonpil, but when he does, he does it hard. It swells Jaehyung’s tiny heart. How come he is not in love with him?
Jaehyung replied with a soft hum before kissing the younger male square on the lips, all the way a man could dream about—slow, languid, and torrid. Sungjin then sighed, giving his all to the male before him, the best he could, because he didn’t know when they would have a chance like this again. It’s precious.
They kiss again, countless times, even after their short breathless break, even with a long drag of feet and bumping into the bed with soft ouch, they still kiss each other’s lungs out. They still exchanged kisses even with a slide of Jaehyung’s coat passed his shoulder or Sungjin’s knitted sweater that was starting to loose from his torso. The clothing fell to the floor with a loud thud, but no one seemed to care. Even with the cold air hitting their almost naked form, they are still too engrossed in each other’s lips, followed by roaming hands that send shivers and hot trails to their spines—burns south.
South.
Then a whimper.
A blush of realization.
+
A soft hum reverberates in the silence of the rooms, two naked bodies tangled underneath the thick blanket, a satiated look so apparent on their faces of whatever they had accomplished a few minutes before. Jaehyung’s hand was settled steady on Sungjin’s waist, lulling the younger male into sleep. It’s just a quarter past two in the morning.
The fast pace baffled Jaehyung as if he didn’t expect that Sungjin would also have the same feeling as him. He always thought it was a one-sided crush or affection, or whatever you name it. But after all things that happened, he was glad that it was reciprocated. However, they still have a long way to go to finally label the newly found relationship they had.
Sungjin was likely a morning person. So, when he felt a protective arm holding him securely in place when he was awake on such a morning, he couldn’t help but put on a small smile. He never thought that whatever spark they had in the past would be spiraled into something like this.
The feeling is blooming in his chest.
He slides carefully and takes his shower before sitting back on the fluffy mattress, fidgeting on his phone, and calling someone with a hushed voice. The older male was likely to stir, his senses heightened when he didn’t find Sungjin on his hold and whimpering softly when his blurry eyes caught sight of a sturdy back in front of him.
“Thank you, Bri.” The soft tone makes Jaehyung feel like he is still dreaming. “That’s lovely of you. I’ll text you the address then.” That was all that Jaehyung could catch from whoever Sungjin had talked to on such a morning. He had a hunch, but he was likely not to spoil the bubble that both of them were in. Also, he remembers again, that Sungjin’s gift was lying cold on Jaehyung’s coat since last night.
Sungjin felt a move and was greeted by a soft kiss when he turned his head, reciprocating with the same amount of pressure. He sighs, breathlessly, and Jaehyung wouldn’t trade anything in the world to see the beautiful view before him. Sungjin is breathtakingly beautiful and if perfect was personified, Jaehyung is likely to spell it as Park Sungjin.
“Stop looking at me like that, Jae.” The blush was apparent. “You look like a fool.”
The said male giggles, stealing another kiss before getting a rolling eye from the male before him. “I’m only a fool for you.”
He got soft jabs with a teasing muffled ouch and another kiss and another kiss and another kiss until both of them felt satisfied with each other’s disheveled looks and breathless whimper. It feels like they couldn’t get enough of any of the filthy things and dirty words thrown out since last night.
When they finally stopped to fool around, Younghyun stood almost in a fevering minute at the entrance of the suite room, waiting for the door to be opened. He was followed by the excited steps of the younger members when he broke down the news to Dowoon and Wonpil. It was such a long time since they met with their oldest brother whilst Sungjin, probably, has gotten his exclusive access to Jaehyung’s personal space a little bit more than they ever expected.
A heartful reunion was about to happen.
+
Jaehyung grumpily broke the kiss when he heard the door was being knocked almost fervently. It’s not that he remembered that he ordered a room service in the morning but he walks out from Sungjin’s hold eventually, holding soft grudges.
The younger male sent a soft chuckle, touching the ring that swirled on his finger, a birthday gift that Jaehyung finally got a hold to give after much delay—a matching one with the one Jaehyung had on his finger. It’s silent but subtle.
Jaehyung blinks and blinks and blinks with a confused expression when the faces of his guests are being revealed one by one. Younghyun’s big grin, Dowoon's almost nonchalant expression, and Wonpil—is being Wonpil. All pout and sadness and any other feeling that was shown on his face made Jaehyung look baffled.
“Yah!” He shouted for the first time when Wonpil absentmindedly hugged him, muffled his tears on Jaehyung’s newly changed shirts. Younghyun strides fast followed by Dowoon who shuts the door almost instantly, seating themselves next to Sungjin who smiles like a proud dad. Jaehyung almost forgets that Sungjin is the dad of the group.
So, it makes him their mom? He ponders. Hell, no.
“I called them,” Sungjin says as they settle for early lunch, an actual room service that Sungjin did earlier before Jaehyung woke up. “I trust Brian to get them all here by today or else.”
“You’re his right hand now, huh, BriBri?” A familiar feeling rolls softly from his lips, earning chuckles from another younger male in the room. “Oh, right. You are on Sungjin’s right side now, replacing me.”
Wonpil kicks him on the shin, makes him yelp and Jaehyung instantly slaps Wonpil’s arm with his free hand. Dowoon still munched his meal, enjoying the dynamics that he missed, and Sungjin rolled his eyes with the ruckus happening before them. It feels like the old days.
Their younger days.
Except, it’s a little bit different now.
Younghyun, a self-proclaimed observant of the group, noticed something. An unfamiliar ring that he had never seen before on Sungjin’s finger. He then glanced at Jaehyung’s finger who is still busy bickering with his long-lost frenemies and spotted a similar one. He puts on a knowing smirk and it makes him conclude.
“Are you both finally together together now, hyungdeul?” He emphasized the words. “After years of pining to each other?”
A soft gasp escaped from Wonpil’s lips, realizing the couple’s ring and he beams, blindingly. Dowoon still munches his meal.
“Really?” If a sunshine was able to be personified, it’s Kim Wonpil. “Congrats, hyung.”
Jaehyung rarely flustered but he did this time. The perks of living together for ten years or so. He really can not hide anything from his bandmates. It’s not a secret for the younger members, but the oldest were oblivious to their feelings for each other. Jaehyung was probably more subtle, whining when Sungjin divided his attention whilst Sungjin was always—always—eyed Jaehyung with an undecipherable gaze in the past.
“So, who’s who?” Dowoon, after being a great listener, drops the unexpected bomb. Four sets of eyes rolled in his direction. The youngest shrugs nonchalantly.
There is no privacy between them.
“Elaborate your question, Yoon Dowoon.” It was Younghyun, teasing tone as always, looking at Sungjin across him, who had his eyes wandering everywhere but a flustered Jaehyung. “Do you mean, who is dominating who?”
Jaehyung replies fast. A little bit too fast to anyone’s liking. “You know the door is always open for you, Bri.”
Younghyun shrieks in exaggerated glee when Jaehyung’s face blushes into more darker shade of red, whilst Sungjin presses a thin line of lips, expression is hard to tell. He pokes again. “I don’t think it’s you, Jae.”
Another kick on the shin, another yelp, another bickering. It’s lively when the five of them gather together. Sungjin shakes his head when Jaehyung pulls a plea following a pity face card towards the younger male. Wonpil laughing hard, repeatedly slaps Dowoon’s arm, earning him a death glare and another hit.
Sungjin gave up.
It’s chaos.