Work Text:
Hold me close, Hold me tight, Tell me we’ll be good tonight.
This was the final competition to qualify him to nationals and he won it. I should be proud but I feel a sense of impending dread rush through me. The cool air of the rink nicks my face and I feel colder than I did before like a weight that's pulling me down.With my attention elsewhere a cloud of silence surrounds me.
Sunghoons sister grabs my hand, and without thinking I follow with a heavy heart. We rush to the door alongside the rest of the family, all of us waiting for him, for this moment. The roses I clutch feel oddly hollow in my hand.
I am happy for him. I know I am happy for him but there is a part of me that throbs. He has made it to nationals, something he has wanted since we were kids, something he has bled for.
I can't shake the feeling that this is the end of something, not just a new beginning.
Sunghoon comes out the door last and there are voices saying I assume positive things but I can't hear what they are saying. It’s like I am torn from the moment. I see his mom and dad pulling him in a warm embrace with joyful expressions. And they are all crying, not quite believing their son is going to nationals. It's all coming out fuzzy like I am far away. I catch Sunghoon’s gaze and his smile wavers slightly. He whispers in his mom’s ears and she lets go of him. He is fast approaching me, not that he has far to go.
“Nova!” he calls, his voice the same as always -warm, kind, filled with an undeniable light that only he holds. A beautiful smile that lights up the rest of his face. I could see the happiness sparkling in his eyes. “Hoon” I whisper back my voice barely audible. He has his arms open for me and without thinking I fall into them.
“I’m so proud of you!” I say shaking despite my words being true. This is everything he has been working for and more. “Thank you,” He says back into my ear. He attempts to pull away from me but I hold on tighter, wanting to cherish this moment. For it may be one of the last times I see him happy in person.
“Not yet” I mumble on his shoulder and he pulls me closer. “As much time as you need.” and my eyes start to water. His words are perfect but I know that he is lying because our time is not infinite. We both know this. I swipe any tears that try to fall with my sleeve but it hurts because it’s cold and rough. Everything is cold except for Sunghoon. Sunghoon is warm and comforting like the sun rays on a winter day. He is the only one who keeps me from freezing over completely.
I pull away reluctantly, remembering the flowers I am holding. “These are for you” I force a smile onto my face while handing them over. “Thanks love” he replies softly, gazing down at the flowers before giving me a kiss on the cheek. He takes my hand as we walk back towards his family.
****
Lets pretend to be fine, I just want one more night.
The bed is too quiet when we’re alone. The distance between us, even in the stillness, feels vast. After what feels like forever, he finally speaks.
“I know it’s a long shot,” His voice came out fragile. “But…. would you like to travel around with me for nationals.”
The world stills for a moment. This is it, This is the question I knew was coming. A question I so desperately wanted to avoid. Sunghoon will never let me go, not willingly. But I can already feel the weight of his expectation crushing me, and I know what comes next.
“Or maybe just the first few competitions… and then you can come back to college and I'll…be back before you know it.” He looks at me hopeful that I may say yes. His words are a desperate attempt at compromise, but they feel hollow, like he’s trying to convince himself as much as me.
We both know what my answer is going to be. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to say it, but I have to.
“Sunghoon” I whisper, my voice breaking. “You know I can't leave what I have established here. If I was further along in my career I could afford to take a break but.. I have to keep going. I can't stop… I can’t just drop everything.” My fingers tremble as I trace the outline of his face. “But I don't want to lose you”
"I don't want to lose you either," he confessed quietly, his voice almost too soft to hear. "But I can feel it, Nova. I can feel you slipping away. That you're tired of waiting for me. I'm tired too. Tired of the timing not being right… And it’s breaking us.”
The words tear through me like glass. I can’t breathe. I thought I could wait forever, but he’s right. I’ve known it for a while now. I start to cry—no, I sob. The weight of the words suffocates me.
“I could wait for you forever.” I say through the tears, but I know it’s a lie and he knows it’s a lie. The truth hangs between us, unbearably quiet.
He rubs his fingers through my hair and I feel his lips press against mine in a kiss that tastes like goodbye.
“Hold me” I mummer against his lips.
Sunghoon pulls me closer, his breathing is shaky. I feel his tears fall against my skin. And in that moment, I held on with everything I had, not ready to let go, even though we both knew that morning would come, and things would never be the same.
The coldness starts to creep back in and I don’t dare to fall asleep because when I wake I know Sunghoon will no longer be mine.