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How am I ever meant to be a dad when I never had one myself? All those moments so far out of my reach. My own son stares back at me, and I can’t bare to even touch him. I have no idea what im doing.
The only thing I have left of my father is my name. Dillon. It was his favourite. He was adamant that that would be it and he wouldn’t take any other answer. I wish my mother hadn’t of listened. Every-time I hear my name, write it down, he’s all I think about. I wouldn’t even recognise his face if I saw it.
Mum never told me why he left. I suspect it had something to do with me. He didn’t want me, only wanted the power to name me and leave. Be the shadow forever hanging over my life but never the sunshine in it. That’s all people ever do with me, they leave.
She’s hated me ever since. Daisy was always her favourite, my caring younger sister, most likely because she didn’t remind mum of him. She was lucky to get a different dad, a caring dad, one who saw her as the centre of his world, and who saw me as the burden then came with dating my mother. Just like everyone else, my stepfather didn’t want anything to do with me either.
That father figure that I watch Lucas with everyday, never existed for me. Lucas hates me right now and I hate myself too. It’s my own fault. When Lucas went away I had to be close to someone, anyone. When I moved to Hollyoaks and people wanted me, they actually liked me, that feeling was one I had never felt. And I loved it more than anything. But that loneliness had made me do stupid things and I will never forgive myself for them.
I sit here now and stare at my baby. He looks just like me. Unlike my dad, I didn’t name him. I didn’t want to do what my dad did to me. When I leave James, he won’t be constantly reminded of his failure of father.