Chapter Text
It all started with Jin Guangyao’s eyes.
It didn't come as a surprise when Lan Xichen overheard fellow cultivators describe him as passive — someone who had been blind to Jin Guangyao’s actions and masks. That wasn’t true — after all, he’d always had eyes for him.
It happened long ago, yet oftentimes the scene replayed in his mind with perfect clarity. Soon after the Sunshot Campaign, when Jin Guangyao still worked for his father, and Su Minshan had recently established the Moling Su Clan, Jin Guangyao had invited the newly built Clan to Lanling, and Xichen had found himself scorned. He couldn’t help but find the gesture tactless, considering Su Minshan left the Lan without honor and used their teachings to his advantage.
Jin Guangyao had been so distraught when Lan Xichen had pointed it out — with tact, after all, he couldn’t really be angry at him. Jin Guangyao had apologized, his smile modest, quivering. Xichen had felt terrible, so he’d tried to reassure him.
In hindsight, how could have Xichen been so blind to Jin Guangyao’s plight?
A cultivator of no name, scorned for leaving behind a powerful Clan to build something anew. Regardless of how poorly Lan Xichen viewed Su Minshan, he should’ve realized how his dismissal would’ve impacted his dear friend.
An arrogant nobody who reached for what was beyond his station.
Lan Xichen could acknowledge he’d been at fault — yet, he couldn’t find the words to apologise sincerely.
That episode didn’t end Jin Guangyao and Su Minshan’s friendship.
Lan Xichen should’ve realized, then, that his scorn for Moling Su and its Clan Leader were, indeed, not deriving exclusively from his pride as the Gusu Lan Clan Leader, nor were due to his brother’s anger.
No, Lan Xichen had simply been jealous — of how easily Su Minshan slotted himself in Jin Guangyao’s life, of how easy it was for them to make time for each other, even before Jin Guangyao had become Clan Leader and Chief Cultivator.
It was so utterly ridiculous and incomprehensible that, when the Fierce Corpse of his da-ge attempted to kill Jin Guangyao — and would’ve if Su Minshan hadn’t stepped in — ready to die for A-Yao — Lan Xichen intervened.
What were to follow could never be undone.
Weak and a coward — that was what he was to people. He was aware of it, he knew how true it was.
He’d never make it up to Mianmian, but more than that he’d never be forgiven for trying to reach a status beyond his station.
When he was invited to Lanling, he was ready to bow and plead for even a scrap of an opportunity for his Clan — and ready to be denied by those larger, richer Clans.
Jin Guangyao shattered all expectations Su Minshan had, when he had walked into Lanling.
As they grew closer and began to work together, Su Minshan took notice of him, even when Jin Guangyao was probably unaware of how his mask was prone to slip whenever Lan Xichen was involved.
It was an irrefutable truth, Jin Guangyao was in love with Lan Xichen, but both of them were too proper to indulge.
It pained Su Minshan, seeing his dearest person loving someone like Lan Xichen.
The same Lan Xichen, who looked down on him for daring to walk away from them but not renounce the path of a cultivator. For all that Lan Xichen didn’t tolerate Su Minshan, he seemed more than ready to make exceptions for Jin Guangyao.
It seemed surreal to Su Minshan, having to stand by as Jin Guangyao struggled to clearly cut off Lan Xichen from his life, even when it was clear to him that Lan Xichen would never take his side, unlike Su Minshan.
For how well Jin Guangyao hid his pain, Su Minshan was well aware of how much it hurt when your affections weren’t reciprocated.
He would always despise the Lan Clan.
However, as Jin Guangyao’s blood coated his fingers, after Lan Wangji cut off his arm, Su Minshan didn’t think twice before begging Xichen for help — and how could he, when the man he admired and cared for the most was bleeding out?
Rage, an encompassing rage.
Oh, how unrivaled the Lan cultivators were.
Dongying was but a dream he wanted to reach for Jin Guangyao — still, he fought tooth and nail to ensure his safety.
Then his blade shattered, and he readied himself for death.
It didn’t come.