Chapter Text
His mother must have existed right…?
I mean at some point she must have... how else would Yanqing have been born...what about his father? Where was he? Was he even aware of his existence?
Anytime he stayed awake unable to sleep he would be plagued with thoughts of his own origins. The feeling of not belonging or having anyone of his own flesh and blood was a constant dull ache he had felt his entire life. Especially when all of his fellow cloudknights ran into the arms of their families after training.
The general is the only family he has ever known and he strictly avoided mentioning the topic of Yanqing's birth family. He had made his stance on this topic clear ever since Yanqing was a young child and he had no intention of adding to the general's burdens.
As far as he was concerned Jing Yuan was just a father he addressed as master. The guilt of being ungrateful made him push away any curiosity he had.
But that question lingered in his mind.....
On a rather atypical day, Yanqing made his way into the general's library containing his vast collection of books regarding every topic in the known universe. The divine foresight was known for his intricate knowledge of the battlefield and the intricacies of politics.
He began pursuing for books on sword fighting strategies or swordsmanship in general from the library. He found a few but they all discussed concepts rather than actual techniques that he could work with. Wordy books that did more to waste his time rather than teach him something useful. Most of these paper books were out of print, ancient books that seemed as if they would crumble if he was just a bit too rough with them. The general had amassed quite a physical collection; the majority of the books nowadays were sold digitally and were accessed via jade abacus. There was a niche minority who still collected physical books mostly as a novelty.
He balanced on one of his swords to get a better look at the higher shelves. Decades of dusty battle records were lined up in neat rows, some dating back to before Jing Yuan became general. There were memoirs written about Teng Xiao, the previous general.
'The general probably knew him well right? He did serve as his lieutenant..', he pondered.
He pulled one out only to discover that the margins were lined with scribbles, adding details and correcting misinformation about Teng Xiao. The writer was quite passionate in defending the late general.
'Whoever wrote these must have known him personally....but since the general has these then these could only be his right...?'
He tucked the book away in the crook of his arm and looked around for more of the general's annotations.
He found a few journals on a really high shelf. Out of view but not hidden away. These were informal personal diaries. He honestly felt like he was peering into something forbidden and wrong but he still continued reading. Can't be that harmful right?
The writer was just complaining about his endless training and relentless master.
‘Relatable huh?’
He occasionally wrote about his master's martial prowess and notable deeds. About how she could halt time with her blade and cleave through armies with ease.
‘Sheesh what a fanboy....praising someone so heavily, even he wouldn’t act as such with the general regardless of how great he is.’
The writer's handwriting was unfamiliar to him until one name made him start connecting some dots.
'Baiheng'
Isn't that the general's late friend? She's referred to as ‘jiejie’ so they seem close in the diaries... or atleast the writer referred to her casually like that.
'Wait that must mean.....is this....the general's diary?!'
‘Oh no’
He had ventured into a very forbidden diary, like he doesn't want to invade his privacy like that. But the curiosity was boring a hole in his stomach, he had to atleast get a gist of the rest of the contents.
He wrote about ‘jiejie’ bringing back gifts from far off worlds and sharing tales that whisked him away from his mundane life. He pondered if it was too late to become a galaxy ranger and live out his childhood dreams. He wrote of how he yearned to go beyond the alliance ships and into the vast universe that was laid before him but unreachable at the same time.
‘So the general didn't always want to be a cloudknight?’
There was the occasional mention of the exiled Imbibitor Lunae, Dan Feng. A name seldom said aloud anymore. A sinner who dared to break the ten unpardonable sins of the Xianzhou for selfish reasons. He isn't remembered fondly by any of the Vidyadhara elders he met. The only positive account he heard was from the general speaking about the quintet. Always in a somber, hushed tone expressing a sense of regret and melancholy. He remembered the evenings they spent as a group, drinking their problems into oblivion as they bonded as comrades.
Being unable to help him and unable to deny his sins put him between a rock and a hard place. Seeing his friend be forced into reincarnation by his own orders broke something in him. That pain is evident to Yanqing even through his master's unbreakable facade. He missed his friend dearly, even now and expressed feeling helpless when it came to freeing him.
Lastly was Yingxing-ge, a short life species from the Zhuming, and a very talented craftsman. They apparently knew each other when they were younger, when he was just a trainee. With the way he complained about him, it seemed like they didn't get along and had a sort of rivalry.
He mentioned initially meeting him through Lady Baiheng, and growing closer thereafter. They grew up beside each other, with his friend growing up faster than him. He lamented that his friends were getting busier and they were starting to get too serious. There were subsequent updates all within a 50 year range that mentioned his friend growing older in the blink of an eye and the impending sadness that losing him would bring. There were notes of regret and longing in his writing seeing your friend start to age and the realisation of eventually losing him started to dawn on the young Jing Yuan.
There were some infrequent updates here and there after that only when something notable had happened. Then the journal ended abruptly.
‘What? Isn't there more?’
He had already dug this deep, what harm would a few more do…
He picked up the one a few journals over. It seemed more recent, starting on his birth year. Nothing else notable happened that year if he recalled correctly.
‘Was this the general chronicling his acquisition and upbringing? That's kinda sweet of him to be honest.’
The first pages were filled with random chains of thought, uncertainty, fear and longing.
He began the first proper entry by listing his features, his little nose, his soft hair, even his weight. All in a tone of instant adoration. He wrote about how he slept and about being able to watch him for hours. Then the most shocking bit, it clearly referenced another person being there with him.
“Oh how he caresses your cheeks and gazes into your eyes, to see you two parted is a great shame”
....was this his mother...
He felt stunned. Too overwhelmed to move a muscle.
‘Why now? Why like this? Why did he have to wait for so long to have the truth to have been so near his reach all along? Why was he left behind? Abandoned?
He dropped the journal accidentally in his dazed state.
He couldn't take it anymore. He had to know more. He needed to ask the general tonight regardless of the possibility of being shut down completely. He couldn't wait any longer. He picked up the journal with trembling hands, continuing to read.
“He really does take after me… but he has your face, just like how you looked when we were younger”
‘What…?’
‘Take after him? Why would he…? Unless..’
Another wave of shock and betrayal racked his body. He felt like throwing up.
‘Was the general really his dad….why didn't he ever tell him? Why was he denied the ability to love him as a father?’
Unable to resist temptation and anxious to clear any doubts he picked up the journal again.
“Will you really be able to leave such a cute baby behind? You stay up looking at him, waiting for him to wake up so you can play with him. He instantly falls asleep in your arms. He giggles whenever you pick him up and detests being pulled from your arms”
“You hold onto his hand as you cradle him. You don't mind how he pulls your hair. I see how you smile while looking into his eyes. Why leave behind the rebirth of love and happiness in your life? Why is it so important that you remain anonymous to him, Yingxing? Oh wait… you don't go by that anymore…”
‘Yingxing? Like his friend Yingxing? Isn't he a short-life species? Shouldn’t he be dead by now? Like all mention of him stopped around the entries dating to the sedition of Imbibitor Lunae. Must be someone with the same name but this person must be his mom. It has to be!!!’
‘Heh mom… that felt weird to say..’
But he couldn't explain how he had yearned to say that word someday without even knowing. It felt good knowing that he wasn't some orphan of some nameless victims of the thousands of conflicts and wars the Alliance has been through. Was that better or worse though? At least if they died in conflict it would mean that they never meant to abandon him willingly. At least then he wouldn't have been left behind with no explanation or made to believe that his father wasn't right in front of him.
He hadn't even realized that he was crying until hot tears rolled down his warm cheeks and onto the cover of that old journal.
‘Why did you leave?’
He held the journal close to his chest as he cried, his body trembling from the realisation. After what seemed like hours he tentatively opened the journal hoping that he had just imagined what he read but it was all too real. He read the following entry.
“You speak of destiny denying you this honor yet you seem so unwilling to leave. If this is the path chosen for you then please remember him wherever you go. Please remember our dear boy Yanqing”