Chapter Text
As the sun rises the morning sun seeped through the curtains of the orphanage, casting a warm hue of colors across the playroom. Pups laughing and barking echoed around a solitary one, Toby Nathaniel, he sat apart in his favorite nook, a small island of solitude amidst the chaos.
Toby is a seven year old Blue heeler Bordercollie mix. His blue-gray coat dotted with light grey spots glistened in the morning sun. His left ear had a distinct scar, a reminder of one of his early misadventures. His mismatched eyes, bright blue and warm amber, flickered with stories of both joy and sorrow.
Toby was lost in thought while fiddling with a small smooth stone he had found, a piece of the earth that connected him to the past, one he both cherished and feared. The small rock reminded him of his parents fondness of archeology and how they had met their tragic end. One day their stories of digs had filled his days with excitement, but now they only invoked a sense of dread.
Toby glanced around, from his corner he could see the other pups in playful cluster, their barks blending with the laughter of possible families. Each time he spotted a pup engaging with one of the prospective adopters he felt a pang of anxiety. Anxiety that reminded him of his own struggles to connect.
"Toby, come and play with me!" Bella's voice cut through the air as she ran towards him, her floppy ears bouncing. Bella was a seven year old coltriever, her fur beaming with positivity and radiating warmth that contrasted with the chill in Tobys heart.
Toby avoided her gaze before he replied softly "Maybe later" He felt a familair weight pressing down. Fear and anxiety holding him back. Bella was the only true friend he had in the orphanage, he feared that if he came to close he would drag her down.
But Bella didnt relent that easily, she knew Toby. "Lets make a treasure map?" She suggested her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Then we can explore and find all the cool spots, it is our own adventure!"
Toby felt temptation tugging at him, but the thought of mapping out treasures, let alone pretending the be treasureseekers knotted his stomach. What if they decided to dig to deep? What if he lost everything due to it? Lost everything again? "I..... I cant, im good here" He mustered. He knew that the toughts were complete nonsense, but his fear kept him back.
"Toby" Bella started, her voice concerned. "I know coming back was hard, but you cant stay here forever." She paused, searching his mismatched eyes. "I will be here for you, we will take it slow!"
Toby shook his head, signaling Bella he wouldnt change his mind. He remained tucked in his corner, surrounded by the treasures he had found over time. Painted rocks, sticks and some forgotten toys. Each of the items signaling something of his past. All a symbol of what he had lost. He hadnt just lost his parents, he was afraid he was also losing the chance at happiness.
Weeks passed, weeks in which Toby saw friends getting adopted. Each departure hollowing out his heart more, making his anxiety worse. The joyfull farewells of friends echoed in his mind and he knew the fragile lifeline Bella offered would disappear at one point pushing him further into isolation.
The two pups shared alot of moments with each other, thinking about better times. Thinking of adventures rooted in imagination and bound by their friendship. However Toby knew the bond wouldnt not last. She would also leave him.
Toby curled up against Bella, shutting out the vibrant buzz of the orphanage. As the echoes of joy slipped memories started to slip into his mind. Heavy and uninvited memories. He closed his eyes trying to shut them out, but as he did he was transported into his past. A time filled with laughter, adventure and sorrow.
He recognised the memory, one he rather forgot. It was one of four years ago, a night were his world was shattered. It felt like a lifetime away but he could remember it crystal clear. It was sometime after his third birthday, he had been full of curiosity and innocence. Mum and dad had entrusted him to a sitter, an older lady who always had been nice to him, always made him feel at home. They had promised him they would be back in time for a bedtime story. Even as young as he was he had sensed the thrill in his parents voices, they were preparing for a dig in a recently discovered cave system. A forgotten system where they had found ancient bones.
"we will bring back a surprise for you Toby" Mum told him before giving him a kiss and rushing out the door, excitement clear in her voice. His father waved with a boyish grin before the car got out of sight in the morning sun.
That evening was the longest in his young life, mum and dad said they would tuck him in but that time came and went. The sitter had tried to comfort him with stories and games, but he knew something had happened. They never were late, they always called. A sense of dread was growing in him.
Hours turned into days, days into weeks as Toby bright sunlit days turned into glum days filled with anxiety. He learned the truth gradually, his parents were no more. A freak accident had occured at the dig site burying them beneath their beloved earth. They had told him that during the dig a supporting pillar had fractured causing the ceiling to collapse. The words of the people coming by felt distant all trying to sooth the young pup. Those days were a blur of confusion and sorrow.
Two weeks had passed before they had recovered their bodies, during that time Toby had felt every feeling in his heart. He had gone from dread, to crippling sorrow and then to the believe they werent dead and just abandoned him. After two weeks social services had come and picked him up, they were unable to find any family nearby, after all his parents werent from Australia. Toby felt forgotten in world that continued without him.
As the painful memory flooded his mind Toby eyes filled with tears, He recalled how the sitter had hugged him every day trying to sooth him. But nothing was able to fill the void he felt.
Now, four years later, in the orphanage those feelings twisted inside him. They fueled his anxiety and made his lonely existence feel unbearable. The nights that followed were filled with him lying awake, staring out the window at the stars, wishing that its all was a bad dream. The seeds of doubt where however already taking root, doubts he would find a family, doubts he would ever be accepted again.
What if they had just simply forgotten about him, what if they were just exploring their world of bones and history. The thought had haunted him for months. A question he didnt want to be answered, one that stalked his thoughts daily. He had often imagined them discovering new adventuresr, leaving him behind just in the hope they were still alive.
With each passing day Toby felt more disconnected with the world. The hope of a new family felt like distant echoes for him, he knew he should act more like Bella but he couldnt the ghosts of his past still held him captive.
The memory of his parents always tugging at his mind, once a source of warmth and hope, now felt like a mocking reminder. A reminder of what he once had. As he gazed around at the familiar walls, he couldnt shake that he was destined to be trapped her forever, forever unable to escape his past.
Toby felt the weight of isolation settling over him, knowing that one of these days Bella would tell him she was getting adopted. He squeezed the small stone he had held close for the past weeks, hoping it to somehow give him some solace. Deep in his heart stirred an ember of hope, hope that one day he would be able to break the shackles of his fear and find a family. If only he could muster the courage.
Later that day Toby sensed there was a change, something made him feel anxious. He didnt know what but he knew that today was the day he dreaded. Minutes later he saw Bella bounding over, she looked excited even more than normal. As she came closer Toby couldnt help to smile, her energy infectious. "Toby I heard some great news." She was bouncing on her paws, her eyes sparkling, "Today a family of huskies is visiting and they want to meet me!"
Toby's expression changed as happiness and dread washed over him, he was happy for Bella but knew that she would be leaving soon leaving him behind. "Th... Thats amazing Bella" He said, trying to inject enthusiasm into his voice. But a whirlwind of emotions churned inside.
"They have a big yard and alot of toys!" Bella continued, unable to contain her excitement. "I cant wait, what if they love me right away?" She twirled around, het joy radiating out.
As Toby watched her he felt a tide of sadness rising within him. The image of Bella his last remaining friend leaving sent a pang of despair through him. "Im glad for you Bella, I really am" He managed, but his voice was broken, betraying the turmoil inside him.
Bella continued to chatter about the family as Toby felt the reality of loneliness getting bigger and bigger. He felt that their friendship began to feel like a countdown. Tobys mind started to race back to how he felt when his parents died, the profound feelings of abandoment resurfacing.
"Bella...." Toby said with a trembling voice. "What if you leave?" The remark spilling before he could stop himself. "Everyone leaves me behind, just like mum and dad." The last part came out as a whisper, barely audible but to himself.
Bellas expression shifted as she sensed Toby spiraling into distress. "Toby, I will always be your friend. I promise." She said as she hugged the pup.
Toby felt tears starting to well in his eyes as the memories starting to surface, the fear of being forgotten, of being alone. "What if we never see each other again?" What if they take you away forever?" Toby said, his voice cracking with the weight of emotions overwhelming him.
"I will never abandon you Toby, we will find each other again!" Bella protested her voice laced with a hint of concern seeing her friend spiraling into a dark place. "You have to believe me Toby, please believe me" She said with a hint of desperation.
"It wont matter" Toby replied shaking his head. Tears were streaming down his fur "Nobody loves me, im just the kid nobody wants!" Each sob sending waves of anxiety through him.
Bella hugged him tighter, worried that his breakdown was pulling him under. "Thats not true" She said, her voice desperate. "Youre special Toby, your kind, your smart."
However Toby could barely understand her with the storm raging in his heart. "What if nobody sees me that way? What if nobody adopts me" he cried out, unable to stop his worries pouring out.
"You have to give it time" Bella said now starting to tear up. "Toby I care about you, your my best friend. I just know there is somebody out there that will too, just because it hasnt happened yet it doesnt mean it w..."
Before Bella could finish the floodgates broke open, Toby couldnt hold back the tidal wave of emotions. He leaned into Bella, burying his face in the soft fur. Feeling utterly lost and exposed. "I dont want you to go" His voice laced with fear.
Bella squeezed him tighter, holding him close as she let him sob. "I promise you Toby, your not alone I will always be your friend. Through the good and the bad."
Toby desperatly wanted to believe her, but his past experiences told him it was a lie. The fear of abandoment pulled him down, and he feared that even the small bright moments would come with implications of loneliness
As the day wore on a tension filled the orphanage. Toby knew that Bellas departure was looming on the horizon, and while h wished her to be happy he couldnt imagine being in the orphange without her. He would be adrift in a lonely world.
The days that followed were agonizing for the pup, Toby tried to keep his mind occupied but the oohing and aahing of visting families remembered him that Bella would be leaving. He watched Bella bouncing around, filling the orphanage with laughs and joy. He cheered her on, but reality hang over him like a storm cloud.
Toby was reading a book in his corner, trying to distract himself when he heard the caretakers murmuring in the hallway. Their voices were low, but drifted towards his sensitive ears.
"Im worried about Toby" He heard miss Judy say, her tone laced with pity. "Hes been here the longest, four years and still nobody has adopted him. Its heartbreaking"
"I know" Another voice said, belonging to Ben. "Its even worse if you remember that he has been put into two foster families, but both times he came back. I cant blame them, he is so anxious and closed off."
Toby heart clenched at the words, his mind translating it to that it was all his fault. At the mention of his name his ears had just locked on to the sound, he wished they hadnt. Dread and shame washed over him tightening around him till his breath grew laboured. The truth thumped in his chest, nobody wanted him and everybody knew it.
"Whats wrong with Toby?" Judy continued, not knowing the pup heard everything. "Why cant he just act like the other kids. Its like hes afraid of love."
Those words struck him deep, fear of love? No he didnt fear it he was terrified of it. Everytime he had made a connection they betrayed him. His small body started to tremble as panic clouded his mind. What if this was it, what if he was doomed to be alone forever?
"Letting him see Bella leave next week will be hard for him" Ben said gently "The two of them are so close, its going to break his heart when she leaves."
"I agree, especially with everything he already has been through" Judy added. "We have to prepare him before she leaves"
Toby felt nauseau wash over him, Bella was leaving next week. He felt the floor beneath him crumbling and felt himself gasping for air. The weight of his anxiety crashing over him like a tidal wave.
He scrambled to his paws, is heart racing as he tried to get away from the caretakers. The sounds of the hallway faded in to silence as he tried to block them out, but they kept echoing in his mind. Their words filled with pity felt like daggers, sharp and cruel. Every word was a reminder of his deepest fear, fear of being left behind, unwanted once again.
"Why cant anybody love me" He thought, tears streaming down "Why does everybody leave me."
His heart was racing faster, erratically pounding in his chest. The orphanage felt sifling and he felt trapped unable to find a way out. All he could think about was being abandoned, just like when his parents hadnt come home.
Overwhelmed by his emotions Toby let out a earth shattering howl, a wail filled with desperation and anguish of a pup that felt utterly alone. The distress poured out of him in waves, each one raw and unrelenting. He curled into a ball, as he felt the world crashing down around him.
He heard hurried pawsteps coming towards him and saw Bella coming towards him with a worried expression. "TOBY" She knelt next to him hugging the boy "Whats wrong."
He couldnt answer, th torrent of emotion threatened to drown him, all he could feel was intense sense of loneliness spiraling aroud him.
Bella nudged him gently her presence forming a small anchor in the turbelent sea of his emotions. "Please Toby, talk to me." She pleaded her voice cracking with desperation.
Toby shook his head, felt like he was trapped. "I cant Bella, your leaving just like everybody else. Nobody wants me." He spat the words out, each one accusing himself, accusing its all his fault.
The door swung open, and hurried steps came closers as Ben and Judy rushed to Toby. Their expression shifting from confusion to alarm as they saw Toby curled in a corner. Toby was sobbing violenty against bella whose eyes were pleading for help.
"What happened Toby" Judy exclaimed her voice urgent.
The moment they came closer Tobys sadness ignited into rage. He jerked away from Bella, his eyes filled with anger. "You! You said I was unwanted! That nobody loves me and nobody wants a broken kid." He yelled his voice breaking from not only the hardships he had endured but also the harsh voice from the adults.
Judy's face paled and Ben stepped back startled by the pups outburst. They didnt know he heard everything, but guilt was painted across their face. The silence in the room palpable.
"We didnt me..." Ben started before Toby snarled at him cutting him off.
"Didnt mean what?" He cried "You didnt mean to hurt me? But you still did, and now I know" His voice cracking under the fury and sadness.
Ben and Judy exchanged worried glances, not knowing how to calm Toby down. "We only wanted to hlep you, please calm down" Judy urged him, her voice laced with concern.
However Toby felt anything but calm, their attempts to sooth him only fueling the rage in his heart. "Help, you think pity will help me? You have had years to help me. Im still here, alone!" Toby words were sharp like a razor. He turned away from them not wanting to talk to them.
"Buddy please" Ben tried again desperation in his voice. "We really care about you Toby, you just have to trust us!"
Toby couldnt hear him, emotions drowning out everything around him. The world around him was feeling darker and darker pulling him into a pit of despair. He felt like a burden, after all he was the pup that couldnt stay.
In the moment of chaos Emily entered the head caretaker, her warm demeanor radiated a calmness that caught Tobys attention. Emily had sat with him on occasion in the corner reading stories and discussing his adventurs. Her presence always felt like an anchor in a stormy sea
She saw Toby crying standing off against Ben and Judy "What happened here?" She asked her heart sanking.
Judy sighed "Toby heard us discussing him" Her voice trembling with guilt
Emily shook her head, having warned them both about the boy tendency to hear things he isnt supposed to. Emily knelt in front of Toby getting to his eye level. "Toby sweetie, you want to talk to me?"
Toby shook his head in anger, still overwhelmed by emotions. But Emilys tone soothed him "Im wont judge you Toby" She said softly "I just want you to calm down"
She extended her paw to Toby, offering him a lifeline. After some hesitation Toby grabbed her paw. Emily wrapped her arms around him leading him out the playroom.
"Lets us go to your room Toby, Okay? You need to calm down a bit." Emily said guiding him through the orphanage. With each step Toby felt the storm inside him calming down.
Once they reached his room Emily put him on his bed before sitting down next to him. "I know your struggling Toby, I know you think nobody wants you." She began gently "However I promise you, you are not alone. The people here care more about you than you believe."
Toby sniffled, still processing the turmoil from earlier. "But Bella's leaving... I will be all alone then." Toby mumbled choking on the words.
"That hurts doesnt it?" Emily replied, acknowledging his pain without judging him. "I understand Toby, change is hard. But sometimes things have to get bad before it goes better. But I also have some news for you."
Tobys turned towards Emily curiousity plastering his face.
"What news?" He asked, wiping the tears from his eyes.
Emily took a breath, her expression softening. "A few days ago I spoke to a lady. She wants to meet you" She began, she saw Toby tail was carefully wagging. "Shes a wonderful lady and wants to get to know you."
Tobys felt his heart skipping a beat. "Me?"
"Yes you Toby, she heard about you" Emily explained. "She is part of a larger family, with a few kids around your age. Shes been told you are a gentle and kind pup and that you havent had an easy life, just like her."
"Let me tell you a bit more about her and her family." Emily continued. leaning in with a smile. "This lady comes from a family of heelers, just like you!" She said while booping his nose which made Toby giggle.
Toby listened intently, wanting to know more. He was already picturing himself running around in a park on a sunny day, playing tag with the kids and exploring the world around them. The thought of it warmed his heart.
"Whats her name?" Toby asked curiosity overflowing.
Emily shook her head, her expression serious "I wont tell you yet Toby. I want to keep this special for you. I dont want to get your hopes up if it doesnt work out"
Toby felt anxiety building, but nodded he understood. "Okay I just hope she likes me." He said uncertainty lacing his voice.
"Im sure she will" Emily assured him. "This lady is a close friend of mine and I told her your story. She already knows alot about you. The challenges you faced and that your a brave little man. She is looking for a gentle pup, one that is curious and kind and thats exactly who you are"
Toby felt a spark of hope igniting, he felt that this might be the turning point for him. The thoughts of being part of a caring family sended a warmth through his body, and he had missed for a long time.
Toby remembered the dreams he once had, dreams of explorations and discovery. He felt that spark of excitement returning as he envisioned adventures filled with laughter and playing with children while exploring place he had never seen,
"I think I want to meet her" He said slowly. "Maybe I can get the chance to belong"
"Thats the spirit Toby!" Emily said, encouraging him, her warmth enveloping him. "I will arrange a time for her to come by. We are just taking one step at a time."
The prospect of possibly finding a connection lightening the burden Toby had carried for a long time. The prospect starting to push back at the fear of being left behind.
"Thank you" He said with gratitude.
"Youre welcome Toby, you deserve this. Your a brave pup for facing all of this. Remember that you will never be truly alone." She replied, assuring him that she was there for him.
As the two of them sat on the b ed Tobys heart fluttered with a mix of excitement and nerves. The news lightened his fear of Bella leaving and him being alone, but the sorrow of impending goodbyes still weighed heavy on him. But their now was a small hope everything would turn out to be ok.
Emily leaned closer, sensing what Toby was thinking about. "You know you can ask Bella's new family if they can keep in contact. That way you can speak to Bella when you need it."
Toby eyes widened, he hadnt considered that. "You think they will do that?"
"You will only know by asking Toby, you never know." Emily replied with a soft smile.