Work Text:
Your name is Sollux Captor, you’re the hacker extraordinaire, the boy who doesn’t care, and this fucking sucks.
Aradia rambles endlessly next to you while she grabs the apple on her tray, bringing it to her perfectly red lips and biting into it. The crunch of the bite ticks you off in the way tiny little things always have. For instance, the sound of people rubbing their hands together, obnoxiously loud people, and silent keys. The keys have to fucking make some sound, or else what’s the point of even having them?? Clacky keys are the purpose for having sickass keyboard, if they make no sound it ticks you off to no abandon. If you could change one thing about the world, before removing Eridan Ampora’s existence, you’d make every keyboard clacky.
As Aradia speaks, your eyes drift over to the other side of the lunchroom, at two people with too much money in their pockets and too many zero’s in their grade book. You don’t know who the girl with the long dark hair is, but you know who the asshole in the scarf is. And it pisses you off, too, that he can sit there so calmly, so unbothered, so annoyingly fine. In both ways you could interpret the word, honestly. And this is your mind, you can sure be fucking honest.
“Sollux?”
And it’s her voice that breaks you out of your trance. A trance that includes only you, and that jerk across the lunchroom who likes scarves and wizards and the color purple. That asshole who likes seahorses and fish and history class on top of science class, who thinks, deep down, that magic is real but won’t admit it because he’s been bullied for thinking it’s so by his high school dropout brother and his distant mother. That annoying dick who always puts himself first and always interrupts people and acts like he has it the worst in the world.
“What?”
Aradia frowns at your response, the curios light in her eyes dissipating into the oblivion of those dark brown eyes. She tilts her head in front of her to signal your attention over to Tavros, who, apparently, has been here the entire time. It suddenly clicks why Aradia was talking so much, when normally she’d been on her phone if your attention was on something else.
“What— N-No, I, uhh, you don’t need to, er, really, like, um.” The boy falters, as usually, stuttering through his sentence before he cuts it off, looking down at his lunchbox he’s had for ages. “I— I just want to sit with, like, another friend. If that’s— okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”
Aradia awkwardly looks away and Tavros’s nervous expression grows in scale of nervousness.
“It’s, uh, kind of, your ex…’s ex. Who’s his best friend, but— but she’s nice!”
”That girl?” You ask, looking back at that asshole and the girl whose arm is around his shoulder, so easily making him smile and show off his jagged and crooked teeth.
Tavros’s nod is cue for a sigh to leave your mouth, as you look down at the slop on your tray. “Fuck it— I don’t care, TV.”
”Are you, uh, sure? Because leaving you and Aradia alone while I hang out with people you, uh, don’t like isn’t something that I feel like doing.”
”Just… uh, just go, Tav, I’ll man the ship.”
”The ship being, um..” Tavros’s eyes remain on you, you can tell, but your gaze has drifted back to that jerk.
You don’t pay attention to Aradia or Tavros, but eventually you see, out of the corner of your eye, Tavros get up and walk over to that asshole and that stupid girl.
Aradia’s hand finds its place on your shoulder and you shrug it off.
“He’s a fucking asshole, you know.” And although you don’t state his name, you don’t have to. Aradia knows.
When the two of you broke up last week, man, it was a whirlwind of emotions. His choice to break up over text of all things, saying that the relationship was draining on him, and that it never gets better, before ending it by saying he just needed to put himself first this time.
This time???
So what exactly the fuck were you doing every other time???
When you’d finished being around your brother and his girlfriend, you didn’t expect that block of text. Certainly didn’t expect to see that after your initial message. Sure, you ignored him for a full day, he ignored you all weekend and had an attitude when you didn’t show up to school on Monday. You’ve been dealing with a cold for a week now, and it transformed into a fever over the weekend. You fail to see the reason he deserves to send you lip after you’ve been sick.
Eridan’d been on a downward trajectory in the realm of messaging you first, which in itself is upsetting, and when he started blatantly telling you that he was messaging you because he was bored, it pissed you off.
So, naturally, when he said he had done something but you wouldn’t find out until Monday, seeing as he’d been slowly growing more obsessed with his looks (going as far as to tell you that you dressed bad and before you could even think about getting those sickass angel fang piercings you wanted, you had to improve your style. It doesn’t help that you’d told him you don’t see the point in getting up super early just to get ready for school of all things, and that you didn’t care how you looked and you can’t even see what you’re wearing, he said he could see. And that that was bad.) it wasn’t hard to figure out that he’d likely cut his hair.
“I don’t know, he was sort of okay for a while.” Aradia shrugs, going back to her apple.
“Who even is that girl?”
Another shrug from Aradia, added onto the words “she just kind of sat there one day and Eridan and her talked. I don’t know who she is, though, they didn’t talk to me.”
Scoffing, you pull your laptop from your bag, but you can’t really focus on the code you’re working on. Your goal was to finish a project for Eridan, something you’ve been trying new ideas for and getting risky with your coding for his birthday. You’d constantly been trying to think of ways to get him to feel better or to talk to you more after he’d stopped walking with you in the hallways, opting to sit silently and on his phone during lunch with you and Aradia, and getting up with some boy who’s always wearing a dumb black wifebeater, has long often greasy hair, and has way too many chipped teeth. You hate that guy. He’s in the engineering club which works in the same room afterschool as the coding club, and he always seems to have Eridan’s attention as Eridan is in some stupid choir group that often stops by. Eridan, despite knowing you’re there and even walking past you, chooses to talk to that guy rather than his, at the time, own boyfriend. Real thoughtful work. And he’s been calling you a bad boyfriend.
Your relationship was secret as Eridan didn’t want word to get out that he was dating you so his brother wouldn’t find out nor would his parents. You respected this, and told not a soul about the two of you aside from obviously your closest friend, Aradia, and Mituna. Your dads wouldn’t even care if they knew you were dating Eridan, let alone a boy in general, but you wanted to respect Eridan’s wishes because you love him.
Of course, there were bumps in the road. Many bumps in the road. So many fucking bumps you several times wanted to pick a different road. Your online friend, Dirk, who’s significantly older than you (you like to say, although he’s only a year older), was there the entire time, same for Roxy, another online friend and Dirk’s step-sister. Roxy thought you and Eridan were the cutest, because obviously you told the two of them about it. When things started to hit the fan, Roxy was by your side acting as an older sister of sorts, and heavily advising you to break up. Man, you really wanted to. But that asshole was just too funny and lovable for his own good. He was also a massive asshole.
There were ups and downs, highs and lows, but the thing was, the highs were so high it made you love him. You stayed up for hours messaging him, calling him, listening to his rants about school and homelife and make-up of all things. You wanted to kiss him, to hug him, to hold him, and everything felt wonderful with him. But then the lows would hit, and you’d want him out of your life for good.
Karkat suffered the brunt of your mixed emotions and feelings, every once in a while having to face your onslaught of anger towards Eridan and his rapid hypocrisy. However, Karkat has been friends with Eridan longer than you have, having met him first a while back. Karkat, who’s the prickliest person you know, who gets pissed off at every little thing and yet somehow has a huge crush on Dave Strider of every person on the face of Earth, sympathized with your emotions towards Eridan, even suggesting you take a break from him or break up entirely.
You should have listened to him, he reads so many romance novels and watches so many romcoms, he’s basically the expert on this dumbassery.
After you and Aradia dated and ended up better as friends, you really felt like you weren’t cut out for love. Maybe it just wasn’t your thing, and you should stray away from it. Then she befriended Eridan, who at the start got on your nerves and graded your gears, and you inevitably befriended him as well. You hadn’t realized you’d gain such a huge crush on him, and even go so far as to date him. But, you know what they say, never date in the friend group.
Looking at the folder containing your project for who you wanted to be your one true love, you debate on whether or not to delete it. Not because you secretly still love Eridan, no, you hate him now, he’san asshole, it’s just that you spent one too many nights not sleeping because you were working on this.
Nights that were followed by days of being tired, where the very boy you were staying up for would avoid you periodically, and it made you feel like shit. But you took it, because you loved him. He would talk to you about how much he loved and cared about people you barely knew like some Feferi girl, Vriska, and at one point you saw him walking with Gamzee after school when normally he walks with you, holding your hand because it can be viewed as a friendship, plus what do two teens in love do? Certainly not ignore each other in the halls.
He made your jealousy issues spike.
At lunch, you and Aradia would animatedly talk. When she first moved here, you were her first friend and you’d gotten really close. You’ve known her forever, but Tavros has known her longer. His family is close with her family, and when they both lived in Spain together, they were practically siblings as for a short period of time their families lived in the same house.
Eridan wouldn’t ever talk with you guys until you dragged him into the conversation. Even then, he’d eventually drift off and onto his phone, listening to music rather than interact with who he claimed was his boyfriend and close friend.
Eridan, during what Roxy and Dirk regarded as the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship and friendship entirely, would subject himself to one too many a talk about your electronic endeavors. He seemed to genuinely listen, even if he didn’t understand what exactly you were talking about. Maybe that’s what helped you fall for him in the first place, the fact had made unlovable and useless you seem important to someone. To him, this beautiful boy who never had many friends growing up, who moved around a lot, who would make you feel secure and cared for. This boy who after joining your high school’s colorguard, changed.
Eridan stopped listening to you, interrupting you when you spoke, constantly changing the conversation back to his interests, only talked about the same thing over and over, and make his make-up and colorguard friends and his new athletic pursuits his entire personality.
You were homeschooled for the beginning of the year, and Eridan came to your house nearly every weekend. You would play Minecraft together, he’d play with your dogs and interact with your bearded dragon. Eridan was sweet and kind, he was funny and he liked to be around you and he enjoyed talking to Mituna. Eridan, who sometimes you just wanted to kiss when he did something especially beautiful, was loving and kind. When you confessed to him, you almost couldn’t believe he liked you back. It was a solid week after you confessed before you started dating, and it was amazing. You really loved this boy.
He’d monopolized all your time and affection, you helped him when he was low and he did the same for you. He would come over and you would hug him and brush his hair and cuddle him, and things were bliss.
He was so excited to hear that you’d be coming to his school and would no longer be homeschooled. And you, while nervous, were really excited to be with him too. You couldn’t believe you’d be able to see him daily, to see the boy who captured your heart ever ay instead of on the weekends. The boy you’d be on call with for hours on end, who loved messaging you through the day just because he missed you. And you would do the same for him.
You were going through a manic episode when you were first starting to go to his school. Eridan was so happy to actually see you. When he saw you had the same lunch period as him and Aradia, he was ecstatic. You were too. Eridan was your boyfriend, you loved him and you loved seeing how happy he was, as happy as you were, to be able to see you daily.
Of course, after a few days, you fell into a depressive state.
It’s not like Eridan didn’t know about your disorder, or about your poor mental health overall, he knew and he never looked at you differently for it. He still held you, still loved you. When you started feeling down, spiraling into that anxious feeling because in person school was really hitting you all at once, Eridan, instead of even asking you if you were alright, started avoiding you. He hung out wih other people, didn’t walk with you anymore, barely even messaged you. It made you feel worse, being avoided by your boyfriend, the person who’s supposed to be there, to have your back.
When you confronted him about it, he’d said he was sorry and that it was just because you were being sad and depressing, and he just didn’t want to be around that. It broke your heart to have him say that. Aradia, Tavros, Karkat, pretty much all your friends, whenever you were ina depressive state, they never.. stopped hanging out with you. They still treated you the exact same, just knowing this was who you are. Aradia would ask you each day if you were feeling alright, always trying to check in. Tavros would stutter his way around a conversation, but he always did. Karkat never changed for anyone, he’s always been a constant in your life, and you appreciate that.
At the time, you didn’t see how truly awful of Eridan it was to say that, because he said it and the world kept spinning, regardless of how he treated you. However, you were greatly disappointed in yourself for tarnishing his mood.
Thinking about that, you frown. Putting himself first this time, what the hell was that then?? Sure seemed like him putting himself first!
Those words stuck with you, they still do. Are you being sad and/or depressing? Are you not funny enough? Does that really matter? Does it? No, no, it can’t. You don’t care. Not that much, at least. Not that much anymore.
You hover over the button that could delete all your hard work, letting a sigh loose. Aradia glances at you, to your screen then back to her phone.
“Just delete it, Sollux.”
“My hard work would go to waste.”
”Then change it.”
The idea lingers in your mind, like smoke in a room, rising to the top and staying there. It simmers with every other idea you’ve had, all rejoicing in your mind at the thought of you executing them. It would be so easy to delete it, to delete your work. Similar to how it would be so easy to delete his contact, to fully let hatred for him take over. You can’t hate him and love him at the same time, that isn’ how it works. But, then again, duality has aways been your thing, and the burning feeling of being loved at one point simmers in your mind. You didn’t even cry when it happened.
You saw his message, and you couldn’t even feel sad. Sure, your eyes watered a bit, but you can blame that on the fact you were looking at a bright screen in a dark room, listening to music that had a sad sound.
Honestly, your first thought was how did this not happen sooner? Followed by an anger, frustration, that settled deep in your system, flooding your brain with a genuine annoying and bitter feeling at this boy.
You wanted to be the one to break up, but you just couldn’t because he gave you hope things could get better if not worse. Eridan made hope seem possible, seem real. Your negativity, to him, was draining, it brought him down. But his constant positivity made you feel lighter, filled you with a serene feeling. You balanced each other out, it felt. But maybe, really, you were canceling each other out, and one must exist without the other. It hurt. This hurt.
Eridan would avoid you for days on end. He barely messaged you, and when he did he didn’t hide the fact it was out of boredom. You didn’t feel like a first choice, even though you held the title of boyfriend. And yet, you ended up apologizing to him for being a narcissist, you apologized for making things about you and accidentally being arrogant. He just accepted that, letting you believe you were the reason everything was falling apart.
Eridan was so genuine at the start, he was so kind and loving, he cared. You don’t know what the fuck happened after you started attending his school; what made him change so drastically.
Closing your laptop, you fight to keep your eyes away from Eridan. Away from who you love, who some of your best memories are filled with.
He was emotionally negligent, he ignored you in your times of need, he was an asshole, he changed from who you were actually in love with to a caricature of himself.
You, in all honesty, stopped loving him months before you broke up. Before that ending message, you were already fed up with him. Why you stayed—whether because you thought things could get better or because of some sick masochistic desire—is a mystery.
Eridan called you and Aradia embarrassing, because the both of you can be together and act like it’s just you guys. You can talk loudly and proudly with her about anything and everything. You don’t see the weird looks or side eyes, you just see your best friend.
Karkat told you that Eridan talked about you. About how you were ignoring him, how you were a bad boyfriend. You didn’t even know Karkat knew about the two of you. You tried to tell nobody, but apparently it didn’t matter with Eridan. Eridan didn’t care if he made you seem like a bad person to others, like you were an uncaring asshole when you truly loved him.
You don’t know when he started becoming such a dick. The slow, gradual process of him becoming a huge asshole was so slow you didn’t notice it. He slowly started to abandon you until that message, the same boy you claimed you loved more than anyone else, who was a beacon of hope in dark times, the boy who you told your deepest fears and feelings, the boy who listened to you talk about everything and nothing, the boy who you could laugh and have fun with no matter what, he left you slowly.
You’d told him you have a fear of your friends and family leaving you, but that if they did you would just expect it. You’re as much of a douche as the next guy, you might even be worse.
He promised that he wouldn’t abandon you over night. He understood not everyone will be in your life forever, but you can always find a way to hold onto someone even if they’re far. Then, he broke up with you over text and left you for good. Part of you wants to reach out, but that’d only fuel his ever-growing ego. He’s immature, he’s used to getting his way and having everyone baby him.
In The Last Message, he said he wasn’t happy about this decision, and tat he didn’t want you to blame yourself even though he knew you would. You, mostly, were just in disbelief at the events playing. It didn’t feel real, that something so good yet so painful was really going to end like this, would slip out of your grasp.
When you ignored him completely the day prior, it felt great. The sweaty jackass in engineering wasn’t there that day, and Eridan was completely alone. It was after that boy in the wifebeater was absent, that Eridan finally sought you out. He wanted his boyfriend now that the person he liked more than his own lover was gone. That pissed you off. That he ignored you all fucking weekend, gave you an attitude after you couldn’t show up to school because you were so sick you couldn’t even fucking stand, and he wants to pretend everything’s cool and he just wants his boyfriend, totally not because the people he can stand to be around more are gone?
You didn’t acknowledge him expect for barren words with no depth, repeating his exact words. You said you weren’t there Monday because you were sick, and all he replied with was “yeah i noticed”. Two could play at that game, after all, two players is better than one.
Suffice to say, you won that game with a landslide of points. You mopped the floor with his pompous ass.
It felt amazing. That was you finally sticking up for your emotional wellbeing, and you had the greatest day ever. He fucking deserved that.
So when you got that message, you just wanted to tell him how bitchy it was of him, how narcissistic and hypocritical he’s been and is being. You wanted to be angry, but you were too shocked to really let any of that anger surface, telling him, stupidly, that you hoped you could work better in the future, when really this was the chains on you being lifted. That liberation from him was amazing, and yet you’re not done.
Dumbly, you believed your mixed emotions was due to still being in love with him. That the reason you’re currently staring at him from across the lunchroom was because you’re not over him.
Really, it’s because you haven’t finished getting your thoughts out. You don’t like him, you like the idea of being in a relationship.
You wish you hadn’t seemed so desperate when it was ending. Clutching onto the remains of a toxic thing, the addictive dopamine he gave you during the highs seemed like enough to outweigh all that he was doing to you. You thought you were the problem, that it was your fault you lost another good thing. He told you not to blame yourself, that he knew you would. That he still loved you, although he never showed an ounce of emotion. That was the worst part, he was so stoic and uncaring, and you, you were fighting to keep it together. The mix of emotions was overwhelming, and it was the shock that had you saying you wished for the both of you to work out in the future.
Looking back, it feels stupid and immature. Eridan got the last word, Eridan got to have the thoughts of breaking your heart. And not even a day after you were over, he’s already hanging out with someone new, someone better. You see him walking with her in the hallways, waiting up for her when he didn’t do that with you even when you were in good stages of your relationship.
You’d decided to sit with Tavros when the breakup happened, to get away from Eridan, and he had already replaced your spot at the lunch table with her. Usually you aren’t so jealous, but you fucking cared about Eridan Ampora.
Before the breakup, Eridan wanted to skip class to make out in the bathroom, but you refused. Unlike him, you didn’t feel like getting in trouble or missing out any useful information. He insisted so hard that you do what he wants, that you tell him you love him every night even when he didn’t say it back or anything at all.
You had asked, over text, if you could actually skip this time, that you’d do it, if only so you could have this conversation in person. You couldn’t go through a breakup over text again, even if last time it was a mutual agreement that you were just friends. You’d skip your advanced programming class to have this talk in person, even if it was just in the bathroom. You couldn’t believe he was doing this to you on a random Wednesday. What, Eridan treats you like shit and emotionally neglects you, but the tipping point for this relationship being “unhealthy” is when you get fed up and do it back?
How does he not understand how selfish and narcissistic he is? How immature he is, how much of an asshole he really is. He’s so shallow and fake, and you blame yourself, not for the breakup, but for not seeing the massive red flags earlier.
You thought it was the end of the world that night over text, but it all happened and the world kept spinning. You woke up the next morning and went to school and everything passed as it normally would. You figure you overreacted, that it didn’t actually hurt. So why does seeing him treating someone else so great hurt?
And when taking your eyes off of that side of the lunchroom, off of the boy with the dark hair and the auburn eyes, you don’t even know what to say. He was awful, he was toxic and treated you poorly. Why do you still want him?
It’s the tricky questions like these that lead you to overthinking, and you flush all your feelings out by focusing on anything else. But he’s so radiant and there, having all the fun in the world you apparently couldn’t provide him with. Maybe love just isn’t your thing. Maybe you should just give up, and not let yourself love anyone else. Not to be loyal to his royal asshole, but because this is too much work and stress.
Well, you’ve gone this far since the break up, and although this is groundbreaking stuff, sort of, stuff that should’ve had you sad, maybe felt like the world was ending?
Sure, you’re really upset about this and it’s honestly very troubling. But it all happened and the world kept spinning.