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Love is accepting people for who they are, what their past is, what they are, no matter what.
“I chose you, didn’t I?”
Josh placed his index finger under Ken’s chin and slowly tugged it upwards, forcing the man to look at him.
“But you could still choose someone else,” Ken slowly protested. “Someone who’s closer to you, someone to match your looks, someone whose talent complements yours, not a countryside bloke who has none to his name.”
For all his lover’s counterarguments, Josh couldn’t help but smile and fall in love a little bit more.
“Love, I’d rather have someone who trusted me despite all reasons to doubt, who travelled across islands and seas to prove me right.”
Josh then traced the invisible lines along Ken’s face with his fingers. “I’d rather have someone whose looks lovingly contrast mine, that way when people see us together, they wouldn’t help but think how good we look side by side. Most importantly, I would rather have someone whose looks I love, simple as that.”
Ken ended up blushing at that.
Then, Josh held out his other hand, which Ken took without hesitation, making the former smile wider. “And I’d rather have someone whose talent shines on its own rather than complement mine. You see things in ways not everyone else does, and your capabilities know no bounds. That’s what I want, for you to not just be a supplementary, but be your own star.”
“But years ago, I turned you down,” Ken murmured with a frown, looking down on their intertwined hands, “I said I wasn’t ready, wasn’t confident in us, that I—"
“That was years ago, Ken. You did what you had to do, you trusted me enough to say what you felt, and I understand that.”
If he was being honest, Josh back then didn’t. When he had bared all his feelings to his then-Vice President in the Student Council, Ken respectfully rejected him despite sharing the same feelings. The younger man had said that being in a relationship with a senior student right before graduation would only lead to more problems, citing long distance and differing priorities as reasons.
They’d had a difficult relationship since then, only talking to each other when needed and avoiding the other’s company otherwise. Josh had missed having Ken by his side, but there was nothing he could do but blame himself for confessing.
They used to be inseparable, even outside SC duties. Not only were they the dream team, but they were the duo that everybody wished to be friends with. Jokes on them though, because the two only wanted each other’s company. But all that vanished into the wind when Josh had confessed.
He wasn’t sorry for harboring feelings though.
Why would he, when the more Josh knew about Ken—from his issues to his dreams—he couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to share all those with him.
Besides, if the Josh back then would learn that years later, Ken would slot himself back into his life like a perfectly fitted puzzle piece, he wouldn’t have been so full of angst and ill feelings.
But all that was in the past, and what they have in the present is so much more.
The Ken he’s holding now is still doubtful, but the grip on his hand is much stronger than the last time he felt it years ago. And that was enough assurance for Josh. To believe that this time, with Ken closer to him in distance and in feelings, they can stay together for a long time.
Love is happiness, pain, sacrifice.
If Ken was being honest, he was less sure of himself being in a relationship with Josh than the other way around. He never admitted that to his lover, not back then, not now.
When Josh had confessed to him a month before his graduation, Ken had almost confessed back, hugged back, said yes to being his boyfriend a hundred times. But he knew he couldn’t, not when the graduating SC President had a bright college life waiting for him; not when that life meant more opportunities to grab, more people to meet, more distance to grow between them.
And Ken knew he wasn’t strong enough for that.
So being the coward he was, he turned down the love of his life. Technically, he said the right reasons for saying no, in a general sense. Just the fact that Josh is leaving for college already brought him so much melancholy and separation anxiety, what more when his might-have-been boyfriend would spend more time on his college life and less with him.
When Ken got home that fateful day, he was filled with so many emotions that he ended up paralyzed in bed. He was extremely giddy because apparently Josh liked him too. He was depressed because he turned him down. He was anxious because he knew he changed their relationship forever. He was in pain because he wanted to take it all back, but he couldn’t.
I love you too, I’m sorry.
Fate’s retribution on what Ken did to Josh was brutal. When the latter graduated and he took over as SC President, he was more feared than loved by the student body. He had never inherited Josh’s soft, outgoing, sunshine personality, and he struggled juggling between his studies and council duties. Sure, he managed somehow, but not with the same grace that his predecessor did.
During down times in the Council Room, Ken would reminisce about Josh in the same room, seated on the head spot of their table. There would be a short stack of papers on his left—either approvals he needed to review and approve or suggestions from students on how to improve the school—while he diligently finished his homework. When Ken had asked how he can help, Josh would only smile and say, “Just be there Ken. You’re strength enough.”
Back then, Josh had Ken and that was enough. Ken would’ve still had Josh too, even if not so much, if only he wasn’t stupid enough to push him away.
After his own graduation, Ken had moved to the countryside to live with his grandparents and go to college there. He didn’t tell Josh, not that he could, since he cut off all communication with the boy when he graduated. But that was okay, Ken had thought. He made a choice; he had to live with it.
Ken found comfort in keeping a diary. There he wrote things that he would’ve told Josh about his life, how his grandparents doted on him, how his subjects drained the life out of him even as a freshman, how college books were far more complicated and interesting than the mandatory readings they had in high school, how he made friends and a name for himself when he joined the collegiate theater club as a writer, how he remembered Josh in the littlest things back in his countryside home.
His high school classmates gave him occasional updates on Josh, since everyone knew they were “a set piece” (no one knew what made the two fall apart though, and Ken kept it that way). It was through these updates that he learned Josh had quit college and moved to the city to pursue acting. It came as a shock to Ken because while he knew Josh had a penchant for performing, he had thought he valued his education more. Then, he realized he would’ve known about Josh’s thoughts on it himself if he had kept in touch.
Again, he made a choice, he had to live with it.
Interestingly, the universe seemed to gear up Ken’s own life to complement Josh’s. His initial interest in writing for their collegiate theater club blossomed into him creating plays that students and professors loved. He also found solace in creating worlds of his own and seeing other people bring them to life. In fact, he loved writing so much that despite being an Architecture graduate, he chose to send manuscripts to theater houses in hopes of becoming a full-time scriptwriter. But despite his best efforts, he only bagged one booking for a small-scale playhouse; still, he took it in confidence and excitement.
What he didn’t expect was the message he received after the run of his first play.
From: Josh
Hey Ken, I hope this is still your number.
From: Josh
Uh, I have a gig that you may want to try out but it’s in Manila.
From: Josh
I’ll fly you here, so no need to worry about that.
From: Josh
I want to talk to you first though.
Ken’s head was reeling at the consecutive messages. But more importantly, he needed a minute to process who messaged. Or two minutes. Or five?
Josh.
Ken had so many questions. Why does Josh still have his number? By gig, did he know Ken was an aspiring scriptwriter? If so, how? Why did he decide to message Ken now, doesn’t he have other friends whom he could ask?
But Ken was stuck at the fact that Josh messaged him.
Despite the thrill and exhilaration, he had to pause and scrutinize. What if someone was pretending to be Josh and hacked his number? What if Ken takes the offer, only to find that he’d been scammed and he’d get lost in Manila without anyone to rely on?
Ken almost fell from his seat when his phone rang.
Calling…
Josh
Ring ring! Should Ken answer? What would he say?
Ring ring! Maybe he shouldn’t. He can say he changed his number; he wasn’t ready to talk, it’s all too fast he couldn’t—
Ring ring!
“Uhm, hello?”
“Ken?” The velvety voice, a familiar one, spoke on the other line. “Oh god, thank God I got the right number! I was worried you changed your number or worse, you blocked me.”
“Josh?”
A pause. “Oh yeah, hi Ken,” the voice on the other line whispered, the smile in his voice evident.
It’s really him.
Just like that, they eased into conversation, natural and quick, as if they didn’t spend five years without any contact. Suddenly, it felt like high school again. How come there wasn’t any dead air, no awkward pauses and stuttering? It’s so unfair, Ken had thought. All those years pining, just to fit back together into each other’s lives like a hand to a tailor-made glove.
“Can’t wait to see you,” Josh had said as they said their goodbyes after…holy shit, three hours of conversation?
“Yeah, I’ll be there. You’ll pick me up at the airport, won’t you?” Ken asked, hopeful that Josh won’t realize he was just prolonging their time together.
“Of course, if I have to be there the day before your arrival, I would.”
Ken blushed at that. Damn it, Santos, you’re still gonna be the death of me.
It's all about understanding each other's perspective. There are no rights or wrongs. The both of you should help each other grow.
"It must be so difficult being Josh Cullen’s writer."
"Well, he is the director of the movie. So aside from being the one to act the part, he has to direct it too."
"Looks like the current writer is a quick study. It’s like…their minds are in sync? Like he knows what Josh Cullen needs and acts on it right away."
Josh sighed at the gossips he’s heard about him and his scriptwriter-slash-boyfriend.
He smiled at the thought while looking in the restroom mirror.
Indeed, he and Ken worked well together, but it didn’t come without difficulty. Despite being head over heels with each other, they had a different—and often conflicting—professional dynamic. Josh was used to doing things under pressure, his creativity doing wonders in the center of a crowd or within a specific time or place. Meanwhile, Ken was a more relaxed creative, his words flowed when his mind is in a fluid state. He preferred writing environments that allowed his mind to wander.
At first, because they wanted to be around each other so much despite their differences, they also clashed often with their artistic processes and outputs. Josh easily got frustrated when Ken couldn’t give him an idea as soon as he asks for one, while Ken couldn’t work in the environment Josh preferred. There was even a time when Ken had to stay at his co-writer’s place because he and Josh almost shouted at each other just because of one plot point.
In the end, Josh picked Ken up from Paulo’s with a sorry on hand and a bouquet in the backseat.
It took a lot of conversations to finally get into their current work sync. Ken learned to speak up when he needed his space to think, and Josh learned to give it to him. In return, Ken supported Josh in his high-pressure thinking space by giving him specific expectations on how a scene plays out and giving constructive feedback as soon as the cameras stop rolling.
The dynamic they have now didn’t come without difficulty, yes, but it definitely came with mutual respect and admiration for one another as creatives.
Not to mention their love for each other that never left a fight unresolved, because that’s what lovers do.
—
When Josh had introduced Ken to his team, they knew right away what was going on. After all, Josh had been going on and on about his “writer friend” for the past few weeks with a goofy grin on his face and arrogant tone, like a teenage boy crushing so hard. True enough, when they saw the way the two looked at each other, it was obvious that they were witnessing something precious and intimate, a sweet reunion they were blessed to see.
Stell, for one, had seen how Josh closely monitored Ken’s journey as a scriptwriter for several years. He remembered Josh mindfully watching a college play on his phone, the man’s facial expression shifting from wonder to joy to anger to sadness then back to joy and finally satisfaction. Like a natural actor, he had thought fondly. After all, he was Josh’s handler since he broke into show business.
Weeks later, he found Josh going through several pages of stapled paper while waiting for a photoshoot. Given the nature of their project, his artist shouldn’t have anything to review. Stell found out later that it was the script to the play Josh had been so into. Like the gossip he is, Stell was able to get Josh to spill everything about Ken, how they fell hard and fell apart, and how he’s been stuck in falling since.
From the looks of it, Ken hadn’t known that Josh was a huge fan of his works. Stell remembered Josh being adamant about getting Ken to write for him someday, firmly believing that Ken had a knack for storytelling, for building worlds that would tickle minds and capture hearts.
“So why don’t you get him then?”
Even before Stell had popped the question, he knew what Josh was going to say.
With a sad smile, the man replied, “If the universe aligns for us, I will.”
Three years later, with Josh’s admiration finally freed from the shadows and his goofy smile bright while holding Ken’s hand, Stell could see that it finally did.