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Maybe... Maybe if I was different... maybe if I hadn't been born this way... Maybe if my mind hadn't been torn up by my own emotions... By this curse of blue that runs through my veins and burns through my brain.
But what use are maybes. Maybe's don't change anything. Not that I want to change, it's far too late for that. I enjoy the games I play, I enjoy the way I am, and I hate all the same.
It's because of the way that I am that you will forever be out of reach. Your bright blue eyes and your awkward charms. The mystery that is your mind, will always remain a mystery, because this game has gone on for too long.
You make me.... Want to be better. You make me want to change. When I'm with you I believe that maybe, just maybe, I can actually be what you need. That we can actually be happy. That somehow we can make whatever the fuck this is work out.
But then, I see you in your uniform, and I'm afraid. Afraid that one day that uniform will be staring back at me through the sights of my pistol, afraid that your blue blood will be coating my knife, or my next contract will have your name... The name I want to have.
I see you, and I forget the rush, I forget the games, I forget who I am. But I don't want to change who I am. I like who I am, just as I hate it. I can't change for you, and I would never ask you to change who you are. Because no matter how much I don't want to admit it, I love who you are. But I am not the woman for you.
Whenever you're not by my side my mind is full of blood. The joy, the rush, the euphoric feeling of making that perfect hit. A job well done and onto the next one. I become who I truly am, the person that can't change, that doesn't want to change. I become the horrifying smile, the devilish laugh as I sink my knife into some politician, some rich no gooder who owes someone money.
You don't need that. You don't need me.
I can't change who I am, no matter how much I want to, because by God I love you.
And maybe... Maybe one day.... We can be together... One day... Maybe then I'll be different... One I'll be what you need.... But not in this life...
So please, answer me.... I can't ask for your heart, not as I am now, or who I will ever be.... Not in this life..
But once I die, and I'm waiting for you up there at the bar....
When I die, will you be my Valentine?
In the next life, can you be mine?