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The lights went out at the resort at midnight each night for the sake of those who wished to sleep in peace. Though whispers of conversations could be heard if one pressed one’s ear against the right doors, most contestants stayed put in the bedrooms once darkness fully fell. Vijay had never been one for the status quo, though.
He was back in his swimsuit and at the pool—though instead of being out there to watch the drama as he had with Marcus’s altercation with Cheryl, he was seeking quiet. It may seem an odd behaviour to those who only knew him on the surface, given his unapologetic energy and love for the thrills of life. But birds were built to fly, and they still landed to rest once in a while, did they not?
After setting a neatly folded towel onto one of the chairs, he waded into the pool and stared down at the water. The stars above were beautiful, but he found them more so as they danced in the rippling reflection across the pool’s surface. They distorted and flickered as Vijay’s entrance disturbed the water. The ornate, millennia-old organization of the constellations in the sky jumbled into an unrecognizable mess the moment the movement hit. Yet, as he stood still where the water reached his waist, the ripples slowed and eventually came to a stop. The reflection returned to a pristine depiction of how the stars had always been, and of how they always would be. Constant. Unwavering. Forever fulfilling their purpose.
The night air was cool against Vijay’s skin. It felt nice. It felt free. That was what he was, after all—a free spirit. Yet it was such a misleading term, wasn’t it? What was freedom in a life where being weighed down by responsibility is the key to survival? Running from the shackles of bearing any burden left him near dead from heatstroke, having no permanent reprieve from days when the Miami sun was particularly intense. It left him walking out of the information offices of the cheapest of apartment complexes with nothing but disappointment to his name. It left him hoping, praying to whatever god was out there that he could say the right things and smile the right ways to get invited to someone’s house for dinner for just another night. Yet he still ran to that life, again and again, no matter how much he came to realize that the lifestyle would kill him one day.
Expectation drove him insane. It wormed into his brain in the form of a monotonous tone of ‘do this, do that, do it, do it, do it’. He couldn’t keep up. He didn’t want to keep up. It was why he ditched college all those years ago, and it was why he fled the life of a yoga instructor that he genuinely enjoyed in order to join the show. His heart had a way of clawing at his ribs and demanding for release whenever he tried to settle down into a routine for too long. It was a miracle he had managed to stick to the yoga schtick for so long before it, too, tightened around his neck and began to choke his mind out of any joy he once felt. He wondered if he could even make it to the end of the competition before he began to suffocate in monotony again. He wondered if he could keep the drive to win before life lost its novelty like all those times before and he sabotaged everything good he had going for him.
Despite the patterns of the past, over the years he couldn’t keep himself from wondering. On occasion he dared to indulge himself in dreaming that, between the eviction notices and begging for shelter at the doorstep of loosely-established friends, he would someday swindle some rich man into falling for him—or something along that line, at least—and finally remember what stability felt like. What a shame then that, no matter how he craved it, stability simply wasn’t compatible with the essence of his being. What a shame he had turned out broken that way.
A light laugh bubbled up from Vijay’s chest at the thought of it all. It was a knee-jerk reaction, one he had learned so long ago as to not be weighed down by every mishap he was forced to acknowledge. Better to make light of the mess he was than wallow in self-pity and shame over what, frankly, he had brought onto himself. If putting on an easy smile and throwing in some playful snark did well to ease most of those around him into a sense that everything’s okay, then surely it would work on himself, too. He would much rather waste away in careless bliss than die desperately clawing his way out of the pit he dug for himself.
Vijay turned onto his back and splayed his limbs out, allowing himself to float freely on the surface of the pool. He closed his eyes, feeling how the water gently lapped against his body.
Floating into the sunset.
But the sun had already set.
Vijay opened his eyes again and grimaced. Slinking his way through the competition was fun, but unfortunately it required him to consider things in a heavier way than he usually allowed himself to. Normally, floating aimlessly like this helped him to disconnect with everything in life, as it had these first few days at the resort. However, as the show picked up speed, so too did the thoughts that slipped through his mind during moments of quiet.
He thought about his team. He was trying not to get too close beyond the amicability he relied on in life, and he was mostly successful in that effort thus far, but he was still learning about them on a level more personal than he felt comfortable with.
Out of all the teammates whom Vijay wasn’t on rivalling terms with, Charles stuck out the most. He was an evidently kind man, quiet and content with his loving husband and daughter back home. A former college failure, he’d mentioned in passing, who picked himself back up and stuck to the same path. Vijay almost envied him and the way he could be so happy with such a boring life. With stability. Sometimes lately, sneaking in the back of Vijay’s mind, came the wondering of what could have happened in his own life that would have allowed him to turn out the same way.
On the flip side of the coin was Olive. She intimidated him in a way not many managed. Mostly, it was the distrust he held for her façade, but there was something, something that nagged at him about her. Brief consideration that maybe she really could see the future—and if she could, what would she see in his? Where would he be in five years’ time? One year’s time? Immediately after the show? Would he finally be doing something worthwhile? Would he finally be worthwhile? Best to continue to dodge the net Olive attempted to cast at him. Whatever the answer, he didn’t want to know.
And then there was the other team. Vijay didn’t pay much mind to most of them—best to leave their conflicts to themselves and focus mainly on his own team for now—but there always had to be an exception. Where Olive’s manipulation through faux friendliness set off alarm bells, Marcus’s blunt methods to achieving success drew him in.
Vijay knew the game Marcus was playing with Finn. Wind one’s way into another’s life and drain them of everything they have to offer before dropping them the moment they consider pushing back. It was a tactic he himself used for survival, albeit with more tact and smoothness than Marcus’s jaded personality could manage. Then again, there was a sort of admirability to how unapologetic Marcus was in his dealings, how he leaned into the role of antagonist without any real attempt to mask it. There was no need for him to soften his methods to be more likable, because he knew everyone else knew he was right about what he stood his ground on.
He was far from put-together, too. Vijay could tell that much. Between mentions of an ex-wife and the viciousness in his strategy that seemed rooted in personal reasoning, it was evident Marcus came to the show under less than ideal circumstances. Vijay knew a broken man when he saw one, and though he wasn’t aware of the specifics, he knew he had allied himself with someone who likewise dwelled in a self-dug pit.
Vijay couldn’t deny that the similarity allured him. He should have anticipated meeting a variety of flawed people, being on a show like this, but Marcus caught him off guard through the bridge between them alone. Like him, Marcus was willing to get dirty and cut ethics in getting what he wanted. The type of person who, for once, wouldn’t be one to reprimand Vijay for doing what it took to survive.
But Vijay knew not to get ahead of himself. He saw the hints of guilt in Marcus’s eyes. The determination. The drive to move forward. This was a man bent on change. Who had a path forward. Who, no matter how small, had a chance at a future.
And that was where the similarities between Marcus and Vijay ended.
Because, no matter where Marcus was headed, he was headed somewhere. He was the bullet train to Vijay’s aimless canoe in the middle of a lake. He was fighting for a purpose, and that was something Vijay had never been able to bring himself to do. The bridge was there, but it was only temporary. Surely it would be swept away in the tides of Vijay’s boredom sooner or later.
That was too bad. Vijay really did like Marcus’s bristly personality and brunt force tactics—they were fun to watch and even more fun to think about having on his side. It would be nice to stick around with the lawyer for a while, see how it went. But they felt too incompatible. Too different, even if something inside Vijay stirred with more than mere interest. Even if he distantly hoped, for once, he could be content with rooting himself in one place. Marcus would probably be tired of dealing with him fairly quickly on, anyways.
The water gradually cooled as the night stretched on. Staring up at the sky, Vijay exhaled all the air in his lungs and held his breath before allowing himself to completely slip under the surface. He loved the feeling of being surrounded by water. No thoughts. No worries. No responsibility. Just him and the feeling of floating in pure nothingness. If only he could always feel as untethered as this without giving up the excitements of life.
After a few moments, he swam back up to the surface at the side of the pool. He crossed his arms over the edge and buried his face in the nook between them, sighing softly. The air chilled his damp skin, raising goosebumps along his neck and shoulders. Only his own breathing and the gentle sloshing of the water sounded in his ears. He drew in a deep breath, held it, and slowly exhaled as to better clear and reorient his mind away from all the too-deep thoughts of his fellow competitors.
He remained still for a few minutes before hoisting himself out of the pool. He grabbed the towel he had set on the chair and dried himself off before wrapping the towel over his shoulders. Any thoughts with too much weight to them finally dissipated, and so too did the threat of oncoming worry that snuck in through the corners of his mind. Maybe at some point he would lose the spark in the competition as he had with every other past goal in his life, but for now, he didn’t have to think about that. He left the pool and went back inside, feeling nothing more than anticipation for the excitement that playing the game would provide for at least a bit longer.