Chapter Text
nobody in the beach seemed to complain.
they were all surprisingly comfortable in their own skin.
walking around in swimsuits,
becoming public exhibitions,
as if they don’t hate themselves.
as if they are who they want to be.
no girl in the beach is as tall as me.
they all have small frames,
yet i feel more vulnerable than them.
nobody in the beach had scars.
so i was glad i put so much effort into hiding mine.
a cut across parts i didnt particularly care for.
spongy, white flesh oozing red.
covered up by a bikini.
disgusting yellow balls,
coated in a translucent crimson,
they always looked like fish eggs to me.
not a part of me.
nothing on my body looked like a part of me.
what looked like raw meat,
it reminded me of the steak i saw being grilled the night before.
i had trouble keeping meat down after that,
a glistening white.
i plunged my finger into the cut.
it was almost worth the sting to touch my own bone.
for a moment i was compelled to rip it out.
thinking maybe i could fix my pelvis to look like it does on all the other
girls.
chishiya used to be a doctor.
he was skilled with a needle,
and he didnt ask how i got cut in such a compromising place.
he just stitched me up.
and in all our time together
we never spoke about it again
i played the games normally from then on out.
when we were provided with weapons,
i would avoid the blades.
but occasionally
someone in the beach would drop a glass.
those shards are like diamonds.
chishiya says the executives have crystal.
i remember breaking a crystal dish once.
sneaking a piece for myself.
it’s almost as good as a real knife,
sharp enough to cut out a clean chunk.
but i promised chishiya.
i promised myself.
and i would say i promised my mother,
but i’m not so sure how she would react.
i see how she looks at me.
i’m not her son anymore.
but she’s not ready for me to be her daughter.