Work Text:
Dear Kitty
I am writing this letter because well I sort of owe you one even if I didn't get to hear or read all of the letter you had written me. Bare with me because this is going to be a long one. I understand why you ignored me, I can't be mad at you for doing the same thing I did. I hurt you, in more ways than one. However there are some things I feel the need to explain or at least tell you, so I hope you read this. I'm sorry for ignoring you after the ski trip. Do you remember how you told me that you had to try and make things work with Dae because you had come to KISS to be with him? That's sort of how I felt about Juliana. I had fought for her after she had been sent away, I had to try to make it work. but if I was being honest, it wasn't a mistake to kiss you. I knew you possibly had feelings for me when I helped you learn the fan dance but I wasn't convinced. The thing was, all I could hear was Juliana insinuating that I liked you because I had made you that mix tape to help you study. I didn't want to be that person so I pushed everything in the back of my mind. Even then, Juiana realized something that I didn't. You confused me so much. You still do. When I realized I had lost Juliana for good, I had the time to really think about things. Why I had kissed you, why I felt jealous about Praveena, I have feelings for you Kitty, but I also miss you, I miss talking to you. Do you remember when we first met? How my driver had hit you with my car and you were splattered on the road. We had given you a ride. You were so strange and different. I remember watching you roll down the window to see the city while we were on the bridge and for a moment I could appreciate how my everyday view seemed incredible to you, it was like looking at something in a new way, and then later that night I got to be the one to hurt you for the first time at KISS. We could have been friends from the first moment in the car ride, real friends, not fans or followers because you didn't even know me, but genuine friends. Oh how I had been such a bitch the next day and the days and weeks following, you had every right to hate me, but I'm glad you didnt leave. I can't describe to you how I felt, not only how my mother had sent Juliana away, but it felt like she had sent a part of me away. That there was something wrong with me, something my mother could just get rid of with money and distance but she couldn't, it wasn't who I was. I regret using Dae and hurting you to hide myself, I really do. I never told you , but I overheard you tell that guy i had a perfect nose at the Rubik. It was then when I realized I had you wrong and maybe it was then when I realized I wanted to get to know you, like really get to know you. You were drunk that night, defended me, you were beautiful in that dress, I can admit that now. The detective work and sneaking around to Professor Lee's home office in our saturday detention. That is also when I found out that she had Juliana sent away, that she had lied to me. The day I told you the truth about the fake relationship while we were in the tent,I felt like I could have laid there talking to you all night. It is hard to look away from your eyes sometimes. I think deep down, it all started when I heard you defend me behind my back that was when I realized how special you are. I Think of how you had gotten your sister to find Juliana for me, such a simple thing but you did it for me. You were so kind and such a good listener, anyone that gets to know you would have started to feel things for you, like I did, I just didn't realize it for what it was. Do you remember when I had asked you what could possibly make you nervous? And you, in a daze said ‘you’ and I was so confused, and Juliana called and you told me you couldn't lose me either, god it made my stomach drop when you took a step towards me, I thought you were going to kiss me. But that couldn't be possible, you were straight and I thought I was projecting from missing Juliana, or maybe I wasn't and I had wanted you to kiss me then, I'm not even sure. I felt that moment again when I fixed your bow before the fan dance, but I was so angry, angry at you for not telling me about Alex, angry that you kept that from me, angry at the situation, maybe even a little angry that you had me questioning myself and my feelings. Regardless though when I found out you were leaving, I had to call my mother. I didn't want the last time I would ever see you to be at the airport. I tried to not think of you that much over break, but I noticed I didn't hear from you or as much as I would have liked. I lied, when you came out as bi, I didn't need my friend to lean on, I had Dae as a friend. No I needed and wanted you Kitty Song-Covey, I was a coward, I'd like to think I'm not anymore. I imagine it wasn't easy for you, to be there for me while Juliana and I were mostly spending time together. Even I can be mature and realize we probably shouldn't have been living together while we were dating, not that young at least, I'm sorry for putting you in that situation. When I lied to you about asking my mother about Simon, god I just realized how much i lied to you, I have no idea how you still had feelings for me. When you confronted me, I felt like crying. Admitting why I had lied, that my mother was ashamed of me, I wanted you to just hold me but I probably would have broken down right there on the sidewalk. I don't know if I had told you, but Juliana told me the truth, how you had suggested I talk to my mom, it was the right call, you know me so well, even better than my girlfriend at the time. I won't even lie and tell you the truth about how I was jealous about Praveena, I didn't personally know her but Juliana talked well of her and she was pretty and obviously less complicated than I was but I didn't like the thought of yall dancing together, I didn't like the thought of yalls mission to retrieve the video in the time capsule. But what right did I have to be jealous when I was in a relationship, I couldn't help it. I was determined to help you find a vhs player to watch that video with you that I had missed Juliana's art opening. When I write it all out, maybe I realize I'm not actually a decent person. I kissed you and I had wanted to, it was not a mistake, you're not a mistake to me. I felt like a horrible person for cheating on Juliana but god Kitty, when my lips touched yours it didn't feel like a mistake. Had Min Ho not burst into the room, I probably would have kept kissing you. It felt……so real and right and perfect even if you had been crying a few moments before. I seen you and you saw me and I ruined that. You'll never know how sorry I am for disregarding your feelings like that Kitty. Now that I can think back to your letter, it was sweet and honest and good. Like you were, and this letter is sort of the opposite. I know I'm probably too late and I know from the boys that you have feelings for Min Ho, but as selfish as I am. I need you to know that I love you Kitty Song-Covey. Maybe I'm like my father and ruin things. I ruined my relationship with Juliana. I ruined my friendship with you. It hurts now, to realize that I do have feelings for you after I've ruined everything. There are alot of things I would redo and do differently if I could but I can't. I only want you to be happy, you deserve it. You are the kindest person I've ever known and I want you to have everything. I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I'll respect that, just know that if you choose to open the door that I had closed, I'll be here, waiting, whether it is as friends or something more.
Love Yuri