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“Here you go.” Otto hands Awsten a mug of coffee and sits down beside him.
“Thanks.” Awsten mumbles, cradling it to his chest. It warms his legs too, as they are drawn up to his chest.
They’re sitting on the floor of his bedroom. Awsten has spent so much time in his bed recently that he just wants to be somewhere else, even if it’s just two feet away. Otto doesn’t complain that the floor is uncomfortable, just sits in silence beside him, staring at the opposite wall.
Otto has a remarkable ability to do nothing. Maybe it’s because he has no reliance on social media or his phone, but he can quite happily sit and space out for hours. Awsten can’t; his brain runs at a thousand miles an hour at all times. If he goes more than a minute in complete silence, he feels like he’s about to die.
So he has to break the silence, because he knows Otto won’t.
“I’m fine.” Awsten says, then cringes. He’s lying. Otto knows that he’s lying. Awsten knows that Otto knows that he’s lying. “I mean, I’m getting better. Not that it was that bad. I’m doing alright.”
“That’s good.” Otto nods. “Is there anything I can do to help you, with getting better?”
Awsten doesn’t know. He wishes he had a simple answer, something he could give Otto that would both fix it and make Otto feel like he had helped. Instead Awsten continues feeling like shit, and makes all his loved ones feel the same way because they can’t help him. Everyone loses.
He takes a sip of his coffee. It’s okay - Otto doesn’t drink coffee himself so he’s not expert at making it. But it’s warm, and it’s the first thing he’s consumed all day, so he drinks it quickly. Drinking it on an empty stomach will make him feel like shit in about twenty minutes, but whatever.
Otto puts his hand on Awsten’s knee. It isn’t an advance, it isn’t sexual, it isn’t anything. But it feels like electricity coursing through Awsten’s veins. When was the last time someone touched him? He leans into it, puts his head on Otto’s shoulder and breathes .
“It doesn’t have to fix everything.” Otto whispers.
“Hm?” Awsten doesn’t follow.
“Whatever I can do for you. It doesn’t have to solve all your problems. If there’s something simple that will make your life easier, even a tiny bit, I’ll try my best.” Otto squeezes Awsten’s leg.
Awsten looks around his room - it’s a bomb site. Laundry piles up in the corner, dirty dishes cover his desk, his trash bin overflowing, CDs scattered across the floor, his bed unmade. He knows the rest of his house is in the same state. How many emails does he have in his inbox? How many unanswered text messages? His friends must think he’s dead.
“I don’t know where to start.” Awsten admits. “There’s just so much of it.”
“Alright.” Otto gets up and goes over to the desk. “I’ll start here.”
“I want to help.” Awsten says, but he doesn’t get up. His whole body feels like lead. Crawling out of bed to join Otto on the floor took him ten whole minutes.
“You can.” Otto says as he stacks plates. “You wanna organise your CDs?”
It’s obvious why Otto chose this for Awsten to do. This is probably the task that Awsten would enjoy doing the most. The gap between task and fun time is shorter. Unfortunately, the state Awsten is in means that he can’t do either.
Awsten stares at the CDs, willing his body to move. It doesn’t. No matter how much he wants to, he just can’t .
“Alright.” Otto says, and for a moment Awsten thinks he’s mad. That he’s going to leave him alone again, stuck sitting on the floor in his own mess and misery.
Instead, Otto takes the mug of coffee out of Awsten’s hands and puts it next to the CD shelf. Then he gets one arm under Awsten’s knees and the other around his shoulders, and scoops him up. Awsten yelps and clings to him, but Otto safely transports him and places him down in front of his CD shelf.
“Where’s this one go?” Otto asks, picking up Infinity On High and putting it into Awsten’s hand.
“Here.” Awsten puts the CD into the correct spot on the shelf. His CDs are organised alphabetically by band, then in release order. The correct way.
“This one?” Otto picks up Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and hands it to Awsten.
“There.” Awsten puts it away, then picks up Blurryface . “I got this.”
“You got this.” Otto confirms, and pats him on the shoulder. “You get on with that. I’ll be in and out, say if you need me.”
Otto gets up, grabs the stack of plates and leaves the room. Awsten hears the sink turn on, along with Otto humming. He keeps putting the CDs away, one by one. About half of his collection is on the floor, so it takes him a while. At some point, Otto comes back in for more dishes, then his laundry. Once the sound of the washing machine fills the apartment, Otto comes back to change Awsten’s bed sheets.
“I’ll do more than one load.” Otto assures him when Awsten stares at the extra laundry in dismay. “How’s the CDs going?”
“Good.” Awsten gestures to the distinct reduction in CDs on the floor. “It’s not much.”
“It needed to be done.” Otto takes another stack of CDs from Awsten’s desk and puts them down next to him. “Do these go on there too?”
“They all do.” Awsten looks at the piles of CDs all over his room. “They’re supposed to, anyway.”
“Gotcha.” Otto moves each stack over to Awsten so he can get to them easier. “I’m gonna take out your trash, I won’t be long.”
Awsten grabs his arm before he can leave. “Thank you, Otto.” He says, so sincerely that he thinks he might explode.
“No problem, dude. You’d do the same for me.” Otto ruffles his hair and leaves the room with his trash can.
The thing is, Awsten isn’t sure he would. He wants to, obviously. If Otto wasn’t doing well, he would want to help in any way he could. But, could he? At the best of times, Awsten struggles to take care of himself. How can he look after someone else?
Maybe he’s a bad friend. The coffee starts to hit him, making him feel like shit as he predicted. His stomach growls and he ignores it.
Otto is a good friend. He’s solid and reliable in a way that Awsten never can be. It’s almost offensive how easily Otto can just do things. Without difficulty, without pain, without immense exhaustion, Otto can just get on with whatever he wants. Things that take Awsten days to recover from.
When Otto comes back into the room, Awsten is crying.
“Oh, honey.” Otto kneels down next to him and pulls him into a hug. “What happened?”
“I’m sorry.” Awsten sobs into his shoulder, hyperventilating so much that his vision starts to spot. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologise for.” Otto rubs Awsten’s back and presses his lips to Awsten’s hair. “Take a deep breath for me?”
Awsten does his best, but it gets stuck in his throat. “C-can’t.”
“You can. Match me.” Otto takes in a deep breath, which Awsten copies. Then they let it out together. “There we go, well done honey.”
Awsten takes another deep breath, then another. His heart rate slows and he rests his head against Otto’s chest. He’s practically curled up on the floor beside him.
“How about you get back into bed?” Otto suggests. “I’m almost finished cleaning the kitchen, I’ll come watch a movie with you when I’m done, alright?”
“It’s my apartment.” Awsten insists, wiping his eyes desperately. “I’ll come help, just give me a minute.”
“You need rest.” Otto scoops him up again and deposits him on the bed.
“I’ve done nothing but fucking rest. I want to do something . Let me help.” Awsten begs.
“You did help. You put your CDs away.” Otto wraps a blanket around him and tucks his frog plushie under his arm. “And you haven’t been resting if you’ve been lying here feeling guilty all week.”
Awsten doesn’t know how to tell Otto that he has been rotting for well over a week. That for years, he has had short stretches of productivity and wellness followed by paralysis, a lengthy inability to do anything of use. He can’t feed himself, can keep his space tidy, can’t produce anything worth listening to, even words. It’s the cycle of his life. Every time he thinks he’s getting better, he falls right off again.
Nothing fixes him. Not rest, not therapy, not whatever medication they’re trying on him this month. He is destined to be useless until he fades away and dies.
Otto brushes his lips against Awsten’s temple and leaves the room again. Awsten lays down on his side, clutching his toy frog, and buries his face in his pillow. He’s right back where he started this morning, stuck in his bed.
He starts to cry again.
“Honey.” Otto whispers when he comes back in and sits beside Awsten. He runs his fingers through Awsten’s hair. “I know you don’t know how to fix it, but can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” Awsten says. “There’s something broken and rotten inside me.”
“I don’t mean that.” Otto says gently. “I mean, right this second, what’s making you cry?”
Awsten considers for a moment, all the different horrible feelings and thoughts battling in his brain and his gut. Then slowly he says, “I don’t want to be in this bed anymore.”
“There we go, something I can fix.” Otto says. “How about we sit on the couch and watch a movie instead?”
“Okay.” Awsten agrees, and lets himself be helped up.
It’s the first time he has walked anywhere in several hours. His feet hurt, his legs feel like jelly, so he has to lean on Otto to walk the short distance between his bed and the couch in his living room. Once they’re there, Awsten sees the embarrassing state his living room is in. Magazines everywhere, shoes scattered across the floor, cups covering the coffee table-
“I’ll tidy it up.” Otto promises as he turns on the TV. “Are you comfy?”
“Yeah.” Awsten settles down on the couch and takes the remote from Otto. “I, uh, haven’t eaten today.”
“What do you wanna eat? I’ll make it for you.”
“Well, I don’t really want to eat anything, but I know I have to.” Awsten tries to think of something that won’t take much effort on Otto’s part. “There’s a box of cereal in the bottom cupboard by the fridge, could you get me a bowl of that?”
“Sure.” Otto rubs his thumb over Awsten’s jaw. “I’ll be right back.”
Otto is gone an abnormal amount of time for someone who is supposed to only be pouring cereal. Awsten doesn’t really notice, because he’s too busy trying to find something for them to watch. Why is he paying all this money for Netflix if there’s never anything good on it?
“Here we go.” Otto brings him a plate with a ham sandwich, a packet of chips, an apple and a big glass of orange juice. “Breakfast. Or lunch? I’m not sure what time it is.”
“I said cereal.” Awsten takes it from him. “You didn’t have to put this much effort in.”
“I think it’s pronounced ‘thank you’.” Otto quips.
“Yeah, thank you.” Awsten takes a bite of the sandwich. It’s good.
He sits and watches Otto clean up the mess in his living room while he eats. It’s almost domestic, Otto taking care of him like this. Maybe there’s a future for them where they do this all the time. Where they share an apartment and eat dinner together every night and fight over who forgot to move the laundry to the drier.
Simple things. Easy problems. A life Awsten can handle even when his brain and body refuse to work.
But he and Otto aren’t together like that. They love each other dearly but it has never been anything more. This universe isn’t the one where they fall in love and get married, and that’s fine. Awsten has always been fine with that.
“Do you like living alone?” Awsten asks.
“Me?” Otto asks, as if there’s someone else here that he might be talking to. “I guess. It’s nice to have my own space, no roommates trashing the place. But I do get lonely sometimes.”
“Me too.” Awsten says. “I mean, clearly I’d be the roommate trashing the place.”
Otto laughs as he stacks the cups from the coffee table. “You’d clear it up if you could, I know you.”
“Yeah.” Awsten finishes his sandwich and opens the bag of chips. He pours it out onto the plate so he can pick at them easier.
“Would it help you? If we got an apartment together.” Otto asks, crouching down in front of Awsten. “That new-build a few blocks from here has some pretty nice looking two bedroom places for a decent price.”
“How do you know that?” Awsten asks.
“Sometimes I think about it. Having a roommate again, someone to make coffee for in the morning. Maybe I’m just lonely because I don’t have a girlfriend.” Otto laughs and Awsten smiles at him fondly. “I’m sorry I don’t check on you as much as I should.”
“I don’t check on you either.” Awsten puts his hand on Otto’s head, slowly stroking his hair. “We don’t have to figure this out now. It’s just an idea.”
“Right.” Otto turns his head so he can kiss Awsten’s palm, then straightens up. “I’ll put these cups away and then we can watch something, alright?”
“Alright.” Awsten agrees.
When Otto comes back, he sits beside Awsten and wraps an arm around him. Awsten puts his hand on Otto’s knee and starts the random horror movie he found on Netflix.
“I love you.” Awsten whispers.
“I love you too.”