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To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
But as Wonyoung walks, along winding roads and streets with no real destination, she doesn’t feel the sun. She feels cold.
The summer sun was long gone now, replaced by the chill breeze of autumn. The fallen leaves crunched beneath her feet as she kept up her pace. It was an oddly cold evening for September. She adjusted the scarf around her neck to cover her ears. The streetlights illuminated the path ahead, as if guiding her towards something. Or someone.
Wonyoung pursed her lips together, her eyebrows furrowed. She was not supposed to be thinking about that. Though, she knew better than to try to stop herself from thinking about anything.
Love is… complicated in her opinion. Growing up, she’s always found that being in relationships was a waste of time. She didn’t get along with people much. They always thought she was too independent, too quiet, too blunt. It prevented anyone from getting close. It used to bother her. It used to etch itself into her soul and force her into a life of fake smiles and people-pleasing. She allowed herself to be manipulated into whatever others wanted her to be. Eventually, though, they’d found out that Wonyoung was a mere puppet of the opinions of those around her, that she was cold and unfriendly, and they’d leave. At some point, Wonyoung had stopped trying. It was easier to be by herself anyway. At least, that’s what she thought before she met Yujin.
The older girl was just an acquaintance of her childhood friend that had taken a liking to her. She assumed that their relationship would be the same as all the others. They’d go out and Yujin would get sick of her and it’d be over in a week. But Yujin was beautiful, easygoing, sweet, and Wonyoung wondered if this was how love was supposed to be.
Because loving Yujin was so easy. She found it in every step she walked, in every breath she took. It was terrifying. Never in her life has Wonyoung ever felt so strongly for someone, especially someone she wasn’t even officially dating. She doesn’t know why, or how it started, or what to do with this newfound realization.
So she walks. And she breathes. And she loves Yujin more and more.
Wonyoung was shaken out of her thoughts by a buzz. She slowed to a stop, finally noticing the burning in her calves. How far has she walked anyway? She subjects her hand to the icy air as she checks her phone.
Speak of the devil.
Yujin: i need you
Wonyoung’s heart skips a beat. Instantly, she finds her mind in a whirl once again. Putting her phone back in her pocket, she contemplates.
She shouldn’t continue this with her. She shouldn’t subject herself to the pain that would come when Yujin didn’t want her anymore.
But staying away means never holding her again. Never kissing her soft lips or feeling her warm touch.
In many ways, Yujin was like a fire. She could ruin every bit of mental stability Wonyoung has spent years building up easily. She could destroy her, reduce her down into nothing but soot and ash. But even so, Wonyoung would reach out to be burned again and again.
So Wonyoung walks, this time with a destination. She lets herself be burned. Because Yujin needs her. Perhaps not in the same way Wonyoung needs Yujin, but it doesn’t matter to her.
When she arrives at Yujin’s house, Wonyoung is tempted to tell the Uber to bring her back. Her stomach flipped with anxiety. She wasn’t really sure what to expect. Yujin wasn’t the type to text her such a dry message. At first, Wonyoung thought it might’ve been to fuck, but Yujin always took her out to eat or watch a movie before they did anything. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe she had meant to text someone else but texted Wonyoung instead. Her worries were interrupted by a clearing of the throat. The Uber driver raised her eyebrow at her in the rearview mirror.
Wonyoung apologized awkwardly and exited the car. As she counted her steps to her house, she felt more paranoia gnaw at her. It wasn’t too late, maybe Wonyoung should leave and pretend that she was sleeping. If she shows up whenever Yujin calls for her, what does that make her? A friend? A lover? She wonders if Yujin called her for that reason exactly. To clarify what they are. She shook her head violently. No more thinking, she was tired of it. In a swift movement, she rang on the doorbell. Feeling restless as she waited, she fidgeted with the hot pack in her pocket and chewed on her bottom lip.
After a while of waiting, she lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She thinks about knocking again. Would insisting tip the delicate balance of their relationship? Yujin could be asleep, or she could’ve changed her mind. Wonyoung thinks she would have. Before she walked away, she heard a bit of shuffling around inside. Soon, the door opened, just a crack, just enough to see Yujin. Her face was puffy, and her eyes were red.
Wonyoung felt her heart drop. Her lips parted slightly in shock. Was Yujin crying?
“S-Sorry.” She sniffled. Her voice sounded raspy and weak, “I didn’t think you’d actually come, I jus-”
Without a second thought, Wonyoung pushed past the door and pulled Yujin into her arms. The older eased into the hug, hiding into Wonyoung’s shoulder as she cried more. For the first time in her life, Wonyoung didn’t think. She held her tighter, the hand cradled around her head softly caressing her hair. The harder she cried, the more Wonyoung’s chest ached. Keeping an arm around Yujin, she closed the door behind them to prevent cold air from coming in. She moved them further into the living room, gently urging Yujin to sit on the couch.
Yujin hung onto her, trembling as she sobbed into the crook of her neck. Wonyoung rubbed circles on her back as she held her, cooing comforting words into her ear. At some point, she had started fighting back her own tears. She had no idea what could be hurting Yujin so badly. Knowing that she couldn’t do anything but hold her made her feel even worse.
Eventually, Yujin calmed down, taking deep breaths and moving out of Wonyoung’s embrace. The younger maintained their proximity, wiping the stray tears left on Yujin’s cheek. Her eyebrows furrowed and she had a worried expression on her face. She didn’t press, but Yujin spoke anyway.
“I’m sorry you had to come all this way.” She whispered, grabbing Wonyoung’s hand.
“Don’t apologize. I will be here if you need me.”
For a moment, they stayed there. Yujin peered into her eyes, perhaps searching for any sign of dishonesty or annoyance. Wonyoung knows she won’t find anything but love.
Yujin breaks their eye contact with a sigh, “I’ve just… had a rough couple of days. It kinda exploded on me.” She fiddles with Wonyoung’s hand a bit. Wonyoung watches her trace the wrinkles on her palm, her touch leaving a tingly feeling as she does it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Wonyoung somewhat regrets asking. Getting closer emotionally to Yujin feels like a recipe for disaster.
Thankfully, Yujin didn’t respond. She brought Wonyoung’s hand up to her lips, slowly kissing her wrists then up to her palm and the pads of her fingers. Every gentle kiss sent a jolt of electricity down Wonyoung’s spine. After a moment, Yujin placed Wonyoung’s hand on her cheek and closed her eyes.
“I’m glad you’re here.” She mumbled as she leaned into the touch, “I really did need you.”
Wonyoung’s stomach felt fluttery, feeling Yujin’s soft breath on her hand. She was a bit dizzy from how nervous the other was making her.
“Was Rei busy?”
Yujin opened her eyes and stared Wonyoung down. Wonyoung kept eye contact but felt her hands get a bit sweaty. She was unsure what she’d said wrong.
“I didn’t text Rei. I wanted you.” Yujin paused for Wonyoung to respond, but the younger simply looked at her, “You make me feel better.”
“I… appreciate you saying that.” Yujin frowned. A new wave of anxiety crashed over Wonyoung. It felt like they were tiptoeing over the point of no return. Soon, they would be in too deep and Yujin would realize Wonyoung wasn’t anything special. And then she would be gone. Wonyoung couldn’t accept that, not yet at least.
“Is that all you have to say?”
Wonyoung failed to hide the tremble in her voice, “I don’t know what you want from me.” She attempted to pull her hand away, but Yujin kept a tight grip on her. She scratched her thumb into Wonyoung’s skin gently, clearly at a loss for what to say.
“Am… Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“No!” Wonyoung rushed to say. “I’m just…” She chewed on her bottom lip a bit. Anything she wanted to say would’ve tipped the scale.
Yujin peered at her curiously as she trailed off. Wonyoung desperately wanted to know what she was thinking. Her heart beat intensely as she realized that this one moment could be it, where it all ends.
“Wonyoung.” Yujin moves to gently push her thumb on Wonyoung’s bottom lip, preventing her from chewing on it. “I don’t know what you’re afraid of right now, but I promise you don’t need to be. It’s just me.”
Wonyoung nodded meekly. There was a beat of silence as Yujin glanced back and forth from her eyes to her lips. She gives her a kiss, gentle and chaste. If it was an attempt to get Wonyoung to relax, it fails. Her heart is thumping even worse than before. When they pull away, Yujin gives her a shy smile.
“Do you want to stay the night?” Wonyoung’s eyes widened a bit, her cheeks tinted pink. Before she could answer, Yujin cuts in, “Not to like… do anything. I just don’t want to be alone tonight.”
Wonyoung ponders on it for a moment. This is definitely crossing the line of casual now. She shouldn’t have agreed, but when Yujin was pleading with her big brown eyes, Wonyoung can’t help but fold.
She leaves the room to finally take off her coat and shoes and hang them up. When she returns, Yujin is visibly feeling better, turning on whatever rom-com she insisted Wonyoung watch. She tries to sit next to her with a bit of distance, but Yujin pulls her closer until they’re practically laying on top of each other. After a few minutes, Wonyoung stops paying attention to the movie, and instead chooses to look at Yujin.
Illuminated by flickers of whatever is happening on the TV, Yujin has her lips parted, occasionally lip syncing to lines from the movie. When something upsetting happens and her face furrows immediately, lashes fluttering as she blinks in disbelief. When something exciting happens, she smiles widely, deep dimples carved into her cheeks. No matter what, she was breathtaking.
Wonyoung considered their situation. Being fuck buddies isn’t necessarily horrible. Yujin was drop dead gorgeous. If they stopped, she was sure they could be good friends after. Though, when Wonyoung thinks about whoever would need to enter Yujin’s life for them to stop, she feels the churning in her stomach once more.
“I can see you staring at me, you know.” Yujin turns to look at her, a small smirk on her face, “Penny for your thoughts?”
Maybe Wonyoung is getting a bit too comfortable, because she answers the question truthfully.
“Why did you text me?”
Yujin tilted her head in confusion, still smiling, “I already told you. I wanted you here.”
“Right, but I mean why me? Rei is better at this stuff.”
“Rei would try to cheer me up. I knew you wouldn’t.” Wonyoung started to feel guilty until Yujin spoke up again, “But that’s what I wanted. You don’t try to lie to make me feel better or anything. You just… support me, I guess. That’s all I need.”
Wonyoung fought the urge to kiss her. Yujin must’ve been thinking the same thing, because she leaned in to bring their lips together for just a moment. She flashed her a smile, grabbing her hand to kiss it as well.
After a moment of gazing into each other’s eyes, Wonyoung felt that she couldn't do it. This was turning into something way too intimate and way too dangerous. She moved away from Yujin’s grasp, feeling the urge to run away and leave before Yujin does.
Through all the panic in her head, Yujin’s voice rang out loudly, “I like you, Wonyoung.”
Wonyoung felt her heart flip, though she wasn’t sure if it was out of excitement or fear. Without waiting for an answer, Yujin continued. “I like you a lot and I want to do this right.”
She should be happy, jumping up and down and screaming to the rooftops that An Yujin actually likes her, but she finds herself frozen in place. So many things ran through her head but nothing was comprehensible enough for her to bring to the front of it. Yujin’s smile faltered a bit when Wonyoung was silent.
“It’s ok if you don’t feel the same. I’m sorry if I made things awkward.”
The thought of upsetting Yujin made her snap out of it.
“I don’t…” She almost immediately backtracked when Yujin’s face dropped, “I-I mean- I like you too but… but I don’t know about.. I think you’ll get sick of me.”
Yujin’s face shifted from sad to confused to relieved, “Why is that?”
“I just.. I don’t get along with people a lot. It’s hard for me to… like…”
Yujin shook her head. “I think you’re fine the way you are.”
Wonyoung shrunk away a bit at Yujin’s bold statement. She doesn’t understand, and Wonyoung is so freaked out that she can’t even begin to help her understand.
“You don’t believe me.” Yujin says, more of a statement than a question.
“I’m.. sorry.”
“What for? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Yujin tries to smile at her again, tries to make her feel better.
The room was quiet, despite the cacophony in Wonyoung’s head. Dating Yujin brings even more uncertainty. Wonyoung has never even been in a serious relationship before. She doesn’t know what exactly it would entail. Would they continue how they are now? Obviously not, Yujin wouldn’t be bringing it up if she didn't want something to change. But what would be different? This felt way out of Wonyoung’s comfort zone. If she gets hurt, or god forbid she hurts Yujin, she won’t recover from it.
Yujin must already have a knack for sensing Wonyoung’s spirals, because she leaned in to distract her with another kiss. It works for a bit, but Wonyoung will always be a victim of her own mind. She backed away, giving Yujin an apologetic look.
“You think a lot.” Yujin smiled.
“I’m… worried.” Wonyoung thinks carefully before she speaks again, “I think I like you too much. I don’t want things to not work out.”
“I get that. We don’t have to make any decisions today.” She reaches out to tuck a strand of Wonyoung’s hair behind her ear, “I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”
Wonyoung sighed at the touch, feeling a weight lifted off of her. As much as her brain attempted to pull her back into worrying incessantly, she was too exhausted to continue. She allowed herself to indulge a bit, cuddling into Yujin’s chest with closed eyes as the other ran fingers through her hair.
Yujin seemed to melt into her a bit, pressing soft kisses wherever she could reach. If it was anyone else, Wonyoung would have been annoyed with the affection, but she found herself anticipating each kiss.
“Yujin?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t…” Wonyoung clung onto her arm. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted to say. Don’t hate me? Don’t hurt me? Don’t leave?
Even if she didn’t finish her sentence, Yujin understood. She pressed one last kiss on Wonyoung’s forehead, lingering a bit before she spoke.
“I won’t. I promise.”