Work Text:
“Love is the most overused word in the English language.”
That was what the character in the movie had said. Eren wasn’t sure how Armin had talked him into watching God’s Not Dead, but he was pretty sure the blonde had hoped he would get something from the movie other than anxiety. That one line, though. It really had him thinking. For months now he’d been convinced he was in love with his best friend. He glanced through the corner of his eye at the little blonde sitting all the way at the other end of the couch.
His blond hair hung to his thin shoulders which were exposed by his over sized baby blue sweater. The sweater fell to just beneath Armin’s hips, nearly but not quite concealing the black boxer briefs that hugged his hips and upper thighs so perfectly. White knee high socks hugged his legs beautifully, and those legs were curled comfortably underneath his cute butt on the cushions as he leaned against the armrest. Eren swallowed hard at the sight. It was hard to believe this gorgeous, angelic creature was the same little boy that had transferred to Eren’s school eleven years ago.
Not that Armin hadn’t been a cute kid. Quite the opposite actually. Eren smiled as he thought back on it.
The older boys had made fun of Armin when he’d moved there. They’d called him ugly, weird and girly. Armin had only been in second grade at the time – a year lower than Eren as Armin’s birthday wasn’t until November. Eren had never understood where they’d gotten the “ugly” part from. He, himself, was definitely a ladies’ man in third grade, but even he had to admit Armin was cute, though it was in a girly way, so they didn’t necessarily have that part wrong. And as for the “weird” part, Eren disagreed. Armin was quiet and shy, sure, but if that was enough to have someone labelled as weird, then why didn’t anyone consider his adopted sister, Mikasa, “weird”?
Though they weren’t in the same grade, Eren still saw Armin a lot at recess, but they never talked. Armin always sat at the picnic tables in the middle of the playground and read, while Eren always played with Mikasa. It wasn’t until one day after being separated from yet another fight with Jean – which Eren totally would’ve won if Ms. Ral hadn’t stepped in – that Eren saw Armin sitting behind a tree just outside the playground, crying. Despite Mikasa’s protests, Eren hadn’t hesitated to make his way over to the blonde.
Armin had flinched when he noticed Eren’s shadow covering him, but when he looked up and those teary blue eyes met emerald green ones, he relaxed almost instantly. Eren had never been much of a smiler, but he’d found himself unable to resist when Armin looked up at him like he was some sort of savior. Eren’s outstretched hand must’ve given it away, because Armin seemed to know Eren wouldn’t hurt him.
“Wanna play with us?” Eren asked, Mikasa’s calculating eyes looking over his shoulder.
Armin made eye contact with Mikasa and seemed to curl in on himself again, lower lip trembling.
Eren instantly glared over his shoulder. “Stop standing there like some kind of creep! You’re scaring him.”
Mikasa walked around Eren and held out a hand as well, putting on a smile, however forced it may have been at the time. “Armin, right? I’m Mikasa, and this is my brother, Eren. You can play with us if you want.”
Eren was never sure what had changed Mikasa’s mind about Armin, but the he must’ve had the same effect on her that he’d had on Eren. From that day forward, she’d always been crazy about Armin, always there to help Eren fend off the bullies who dared to make Armin the target of their abuse. It was a mistake that most of them rarely made a second time. Still, more bullies always seemed to come out of the blue, even as the three made their way into middle school.
As they got older, Eren began to find Armin more and more beautiful. Whether Armin was changing or it was simply Eren’s view of him changing, Eren wasn’t really sure. He found himself taking every opportunity he saw to touch Armin, however casually. It wasn’t weird. Eren was sure of it. He was just affectionate toward his best friend. How could anyone not be affectionate with Armin? Even Mikasa got into the habit of kissing the little blonde on top of the head whenever the mood struck. Armin always loved the attention, so that was all that mattered.
Eren and Armin had begun holding hands at a very young age, a habit that they’d never grown out of, even now with Eren being thirteen and Armin being twelve. But the hand holding evolved into cuddling on the couch while watching movies. But that wasn’t weird either, right? They just wanted to be comfortable, and cuddling was comfortable – the same reason Eren started putting his arm around Armin’s waist at night when he slept over.
It wasn’t until one day at the mall that it all went to Hell.
“Eren, stop!” Armin’s usually quiet voice rang out, catching the attention of many of the shoppers passing by. “Boys aren’t supposed to hold hands. It’s weird!”
Eren had been so confused at the time. “But… Armin, we always hold hands. It’s not weird –“
“It is,” Armin said, his expression hard. “I don’t want to do it anymore. We’re too old for that. Do you want people to think we’re gay?”
“What?!” Eren had nearly screamed. “Gross! Of course not!”
“Then leave me alone!” Armin had screamed before running away and leaving a very shocked and confused Eren in his wake.
“Armin…” Eren murmured, watching his best friend’s retreating figure.
Things were strange after that. Really strange. Armin didn’t spend the night anymore. He spoke to Eren at school, but only at the lunch table where ignoring him was nearly impossible.
Mikasa had noticed the change instantly and demanded to know what Eren had done. And Eren had replied with a heartbroken “I don’t know.”
This continued on for much longer than Eren would have liked. One week turned into two. Two weeks turned into two months. Two months turned into more, and Eren had to convince himself that he wasn’t dying inside at the loss of the person he was pretty sure he loved even more than he loved his own parents.
Armin was no longer a part of his life. Not even at school. He wouldn’t sit next to Eren in class. When the bell rang, he was out the door before Eren had even a chance of reaching him, God only knew where he was during lunch, and he seemed to disappear from existence outside of school, never answering Eren’s calls or texts. He never updated Facebook or any social networking sites. Eren was becoming terribly worried. It had been far too long. Something wasn’t right.
After a few months of this, Eren received a text one night from Armin asking if he could come over.
Confused, but missing his best friend terribly, Eren replied instantly.
Of course. You’re always welcome here. You know that.
Within the hour, Armin was on his doorstep, sobbing and clinging to Eren’s shirt as he begged forgiveness into the brunet’s chest. Still confused, but doing his best to understand, Eren had wrapped his arms comfortingly around Armin’s back and held him as he cried. Rain was pouring down, drenching them both, but Eren couldn’t be bothered to care. Not until he noticed Armin trembling and tried to coax him inside the house.
Mikasa had watched the exchange for only a moment before silently retreating into her bedroom to give the two some privacy. Whatever it was, Armin probably wanted to talk to Eren about it alone. She would get the details later.
When Armin finally calmed down enough to walk, the two made their way to the couch, sitting cross legged on the cushions, facing each other.
Eren’s heart was pounding erratically. Something was wrong with Armin, and he needed to know what it was so he could fix it. Who cared if Armin had been purposely distancing himself from him?
Eren’s heart was breaking, smothering as he watched the blonde nervously play with the hem of his shirt, downcast blue eyes filled with panic and refusing to meet Eren’s.
“Armin,” he said, putting a hand on his best friend’s knee.
“Eren,” Armin replied quickly. “I’m so sorry.” His voice was trembling, and it hurt Eren badly to see how afraid Armin was of him right now.
“I know,” Eren said. “You’ve told me a hundred times in the last ten minutes. And I’ve told you a hundred times that it’s okay. But please tell me what’s going on. Is it something I did? Did something happen to you that you were scared to tell me about? Tell me, Armin, because I want to help you.”
“You can’t fix this problem, Eren.” Armin’s voice sounded painfully strained as he spoke.
“Try me,” Eren replied, eyes locked on Armin’s, which were once again looking anywhere but back at him.
“You’ll hate me,” Armin whispered.
“I can promise you I won’t,” Eren said with a small chuckle. Hate Armin? Yeah, right!
Armin said nothing in response. He took a deep breath in, and it clearly took quite a bit of effort as his lungs were still recuperating from all the crying. Eren noticed that tears were spilling out even now. Armin was just doing a better job of controlling his breathing.
“Armin,” he said, urging the other to speak.
“I…” Armin swallowed hard and closed his eyes as he uttered his next words. “Eren, I’m… gay.”
The next few moments were completely silent and very surreal.
Eren found himself unable to respond. Armin was gay? Not that it was surprising really once Eren realized that Armin had never once mentioned anything about having a crush on a girl. But still. His Armin? The one he’d held hands, shared a bed and even showered with since they were just children? It wasn’t that it freaked him out. But, yeah, actually that’s exactly what it was. He’d spent an awful lot of time cuddling and spooning this boy to find this out now. Still… it was Armin. He was still Eren’s best friend. And it wasn’t like Eren was going to turn gay just from being around Armin. As long as they had their boundaries set, there was no reason anything had to change.
“Please, say something…” Armin said, barely above a whisper.
Still at a loss for words, Eren squeezed Armin’s knee and smiled. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make Armin make eye contact with him again, and Eren could see Armin visibly relax. He could feel it too, even through Armin’s knee. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” Eren asked, finally finding words.
As quickly as the question left Eren’s lips, Armin brought his hands up to cover his face and began sobbing again. “Yes…” he choked out.
“I see,” Eren said, keeping his hand on Armin’s knee as a gesture of reassurance. “When did you find out?”
Armin sobbed quietly for a few more moments before he could gather himself enough to answer. “I started suspecting it right around the day we went to the mall.” They had been to the mall many times together throughout the years, but it was obvious which time Armin was referring to.
“That’s why you freaked out when I tried to hold your hand,” Eren said, more to himself than to Armin, but he received a nod of affirmation from the blonde.
“But I don’t understand,” he continued. “If you’re gay, then why didn’t you want to hold hands? It seems like it should’ve been more comfortable for you, if anything.”
“No,” Armin replied quietly. “Not when you’re first coming to the realization that you’re gay and trying desperately to deny it to yourself.” He looked up and made eye contact with Eren again. “And when you’re also realizing that you have romantic feelings for your straight best friend.”
Eren inhaled sharply. Was Armin saying –? No… “So… you’re saying that you realized you were gay because you had feelings for me?”
Armin nodded, hanging his head. “I… I know you don’t feel the same. You’re straight after all.”
Eren’s heart was being torn in two different directions. One told him to just agree and comfort his best friend in whatever way he still could. The other… Eren wasn’t sure what it was telling him to do. “Yeah,” he responded simply.
Armin took a deep breath. “And I know you probably want nothing more to do with me –“
At this, Eren grabbed the blonde’s arm, catching him off guard and causing blue eyes to widen in shock. “You’re wrong,” Eren said. “I’ll never not want you in my life. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you these past few months. I know you’re scared, but if you need someone to be there for you then please, Armin, let that person be me.” Eren didn’t realize his eyes were filling with tears until his vision blurred completely and he felt them slide down his cheeks. He ducked his head into one hand, the other now firmly grasping Armin’s wrist. “Don’t ever push me away again,” he pleaded. “I may not be gay, and we may not be able to be together, but I do love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know. You’re so important to me, Armin, and I can’t lose you. Ever. Please…” Eren continued sobbing into his hand, feeling absolutely pathetic.
It was only when he heard Armin’s broken voice mixing with his sobs that he turned his attention back on him.
“Eren…” Armin scooted forward cautiously, holding out his arms as if asking for a hug.
Eren didn’t think twice about it before he readjusted himself so that he was sitting on his knees and pulled Armin against his chest.
“I’m scared, Eren,” Armin whispered.
“It’s okay,” Eren said. “I won’t let anyone at school hurt you. You know that.”
“It’s not just that,” Armin said, voice straining the more he tried to talk. “I’m a Christian.”
Eren’s heart stopped for a split second. Oh, God. Literally. He hadn’t even considered that. Armin had always been raised in a Christian household. Not only was his family Christian, but Armin himself was Christian as well. Eren couldn’t even imagine the absolute terror his best friend must be experiencing right now. And he’d been going through it every day all by himself for months – five months to be accurate, and that was nearly half a year! For half a year, he’d sat back and allowed Armin to drift away from him, to drift away from everyone and isolate himself with nothing to keep him company but fear, anxiety, and prayers to a God that Armin loved dearly but was probably convinced hated him. Whatever pieces of Eren’s heart weren’t already broken shattered in that moment. “Oh, Armin,” he murmured into messy blonde hair. “We’ll figure this out. Don’t worry.”
That was one of the longest nights of Eren’s life. Before long they moved from the couch to Eren’s bed, where Armin buried his face in Eren’s chest and cried as he had done so many times when they were younger. Whether it was the bullies or nightmares or things he refused to talk about, Eren had always been the one to hold Armin when he cried and that wasn’t going to change now. It only broke him to imagine Armin lying in his own bed every night for the last five months, crying and terrified with no one there to comfort him.
“I don’t want to go to Hell,” Armin whimpered into Eren’s shirt.
“You’re not,” Eren assured him. “There’s no way someone as pure as you could go to Hell.”
A tear slid down Eren’s cheek at the memory of that awful night. But… in a way, it had been wonderful. It was the night he and Armin reunited and the first night Armin was able to share his secret with someone else.
Eren wiped away the tear discreetly and continued feigning watching the movie.
He and Armin had picked right back up where they left off. Sleepovers on the weekends, video games and movies all night. Armin told Mikasa his secret and, as expected, she had responded with a kiss to the top of his head. She’d then brought him cookies from the kitchen and told him they would help, as if Armin was sick with a bad case of gay and cookies might cure it. Knowing better than to feel insulted, Armin instead burst into a fit of giggles. He laughed so hard that tears sprung to his eyes, but a different kind of tears than he’d cried in a long time. Before long he’d decided it was time to tell his grandpa…
Eren , the text read, I know it’s late, but can I please come to your house?
Oh, no. Eren typed a quick reply of Why are you asking?? Get your sexy little ass over here! Today was the day Armin had planned to tell his grandpa. Eren had been anxiously texting him all day asking if he had done it yet, and when the hell he was gonna do it, and if he was sure he didn’t want to change his mind. Now it was almost eleven o’clock at night. Armin had obviously put it off as long as he could, and probably wound up catching his grandpa right before he went to bed. Eren hadn’t gotten a text back from him in about three hours, which would’ve put Armin talking to his grandpa at right around eight o’clock, and that sounded about right.
Eren chewed off every nail on his hands while he waited for Armin. It was late at night. Why would Armin want to come over? Oh, for the love of God, Eren desperately hoped his grandfather hadn’t kicked him out! What if Armin was wanting to come over because he needed a place to stay for the night? Granted, Eren’s parents wouldn’t hesitate to take Armin in if he needed somewhere to live – They absolutely adored him! – but losing his grandfather and the only person who could truly convince Armin that God didn’t hate him was the last thing Armin needed right now.
A quiet knock on the door interrupted Eren’s thoughts. As he had been hovering near it for the past twenty to thirty minutes anyway, he was at the door in record time, nearly tearing it off the hinges to find a very stunned Armin on the other side.
Armin took a step back at how quickly and forcefully Eren had opened the door.
“S-sorry!” Eren said. “I was waiting for you, and I just couldn’t sit down. Are you okay?! How did it go?” he asked, grabbing Armin by his upper arms and unintentionally squeezing him.
All too slowly, Armin’s expression of shock melted into one of pure joy and once again tears sprung to his eyes as he laughed and cried at the same time.
Eren felt his entire body relax at Armin’s obvious state of happiness. “He was okay with it,” Eren assumeed, a grin spreading over his face.
Still laughing and crying, Armin nodded his head frantically.
Eren chuckled and pulled Armin in for a tight hug, and when the blonde had finally calmed down, he hugged back and finally replied. “I told him I was gay, and he said he already knew. I was so scared, but he just hugged me and told me all that mattered was that I keep loving God and don’t push him away because of this and keep being a good boy. I took so long to text back because he told me that our preacher had said to call him when I was ready to talk – apparently quite a few people knew already – so I did that. I was on the phone with him for a really long time, and I feel so much better now!” He was still crying, but his features bore an expression of such relief that Eren nearly pressed his lips to Armin’s just because the moment felt right. He caught himself, though.
“That’s wonderful, Armin,” Eren whispered. “We were idiots to ever doubt your grandfather. You’re his whole world. We should’ve known better.”
“We should have,” Armin’s shaky voice agreed with another overenthusiastic nod into Eren’s shoulder.
Eren smiled, pulling away just enough to look at Armin’s unusually red, tear streaked face. “So, what now?” he asked.
Armin took a deep breath and shrugged as he laughed again. “I don’t know. Get a boyfriend, I guess? But I’m still not sure if I’m ready to come out all the way yet. People at school are mean to me anyway, so I don’t really want to give them another reason right now.”
“It’s cool,” Eren said with a shrug. “I’ll kill them.”
“Oh, Eren,” Armin replied, rolling his eyes before they locked on to Eren’s determined expression. “Oh, you’re not kidding!”
“Of course not,” Eren said. “I won’t push you to come out, but just know that when you do, everything’s going to be fine. I promise.”
Big mistake!
To this day, Eren hated himself for ever telling Armin that. Granted it had given Armin the courage he’d needed to come out to all their friends and stop hiding his sexuality from people, period, but…
Once Armin had come out, it had only been a matter of time before Eren saw him walking down the hallways, giggling and blushing, hand in hand with… him, the last person Eren ever would’ve wanted Armin dating. He’d been convinced at the time that the bastard was only using Armin for sex, but after a couple of years, it became hard to deny to himself that the two of them were in love.
Eren sighed and tried to focus on the movie.
Reminiscing was getting him nowhere. He needed to rationalize with himself. Sure, Armin was gorgeous. Sure, they were closer to each other than either of them was to anyone else in the world. And sure, they’d proven to themselves and everyone by now that there was pretty much nothing they couldn’t get through together. What with the death of Armin’s grandpa only one year after he’d come out, Eren’s parents taking him in, and then the death of Eren’s mom when Eren was seventeen, they’d had their fair share of traumatic experiences and helped each other through them. But just because Eren loved Armin, it didn’t have to mean he loved him that way, right?
And if love really was the most overused word in the English language, then…
Eren found himself openly staring at Armin now. Blue eyes were totally fixated on the television screen and illuminated by the light it emitted. Slender fingers curled in the hem of his oversized sweater as a dramatic part played out on the screen, and Eren could tell Armin was nervous for the girl with cancer. He was always like that, getting so attached to characters in movies and books. It was sweet.
Eren smiled, and however subtle a motion it was, it seemed to catch Armin’s attention as the blonde turned to him. “Eren?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“I am,” Eren answered, trying to come up with an excuse for staring, but his mind went blank.
“Why are you staring at me?” Armin asked with a small chuckle.
Unable to form a believable lie, Eren shrugged. “You’re beautiful,” he said.
When Armin blushed and tilted his head in confusion, Eren turned back to the movie before the blonde could see the pained expression on his face as one thought flooded his mind.
Jean, you lucky bastard, you’d better take care of him.