Chapter Text
ARCHIE SERIOUSLY HATED STUFFY AREAS. more importantly, he hated the feeling of clothes sticking to him- like when you take a cheeky dip in a lake or something and your t-shirt sticks to you like you've grown a second layer of skin; or when you overestimated nevada winter and wore a thick jumper over the top your best friend got you as a christmas present that read 'haemorrhoid conqueror' with a bodybuilder and a flaming car, and you're too embarrassed to take off the jumper even though you're sweating more stinky water than the thames.
definitely couldn't be him.
"leo. i'm dying."
the shorter brown haired boy snapped his head so quick archie worried he would break it. archie had known leo for quite a while- a few years now- and never ever had he been more jealous of his height. leo in all of his 5'6 glory, never had to suffer the pains of bus seats. archie did.
the stuffy school bus was driving down a particularly pissy road littered with potholes and uneven gravel roads- it was pure torture. archie's knees were squashed uncomfortably into the cracked shit-brown leather back of the seat in front of him, his feet and majority of his shins stuck out into the isle- there was no way he was fitting in the window seat, much to leo's enjoyment- and every time the creaky old bus hit a large pothole that made the vehicle lurch, his entire body would rock, and he'd always get crushing pains shooting up his legs and a rancid look from the snappy teenage girl with so much makeup caked on her face she could set up a bakery. archie couldn't even remember her name, but he assumed it would be something basic like britney, or caitlin spelt with a 'k'.
archie was currently four hours and thirteen minutes into the journey, and he couldn't think of anything that was worse than this. his back was hunched, his knees shattered, his legs cramped, his body felt sticky, like he was sat in a sauna (a compact bus full of thirty or so 'delinquent' teenagers made it roasting and archie physically felt sick), his head was pounding, and he was so fucking hot.
archie hated every single bit of this fucking bus ride.
"jeez man, just take off that big ass sweater. i told you this morning, it's gonna be hot on the bus. it's not even that cold outside anyway. i told you- i told you man you're gonna get hot, and now look now you're hot. you're too hot!"
leo had this thing- archie couldn't remember what people called it- but he always did stuff too quick, like he couldn't shut off his brain. he never stopped moving, his eyes always shooting around, leg always tapping (it was a bit annoying at first, but archie learnt how to drown it out), his fingers always fiddling with random little stuff he had in his pockets, being weirdly good at twisting and winding them thoughtlessly into making little trinkets (leo had once made archie an apple sized figurine of mike wazowski after they watched monsters inc together and had to turn it off mid way because archie got scared), and most importantly, leo always spoke fast.
if there was one thing that archie liked about leo, it was his proficiency in talking. if there ever was an olympic event of reciting shakespeare's hamlet from memory, archie would like to think leo would win at least silver (the hard part would be getting him to remember the words). leo spoke so fast that it had conditioned archie into thinking everyone else spoke at such an agonisingly slow pace, that he could walk to virginia and back before they finished their sentence.
"leo. i'm dying."
"you said." the latino replied, his lips curled into his usual mischievous smile- it used to make archie a bit wary, like he had done something archie didn't know about, like cutting holes into the heels of all his socks- now he simply found it endearing.
leo looked archie up and down, his chocolate brown eyes zeroing in on the thick jumper he wore. it was his favourite jumper- it was a nice dark blue colour with a deer on the front and a low neckline he didn't feel choked by- he was sad to take it off. but it was necessary.
archie grabbed at the collar, stretching his lanky limbs in preparation to pull the thick material over his head, then he paused. holy shit, haemorrhoid conqueror.
this was an issue. the biggest problem archie had faced since three minutes ago, when he bumped his knee of the back of the bus seat- his fucking tee shirt had haemorrhoid conqueror on it in a neon green 70's font. now he was stuck between a wall and a hard place. the horrifying, excruciating decision of melting to death or revealing his embarrassing shirt.
archie paused for a moment, debating just dealing with the sauna like death sweat he was experiencing in favour of saving a bit of his pride, but the swelling heat struck him down again, and the disgusting feeling of his long hair sticking to the back of his neck gave him all the confirmation he needed.
in one swift move, archie yanked his dark blue jumper over his head, flinging it off his body and dumping it on leo, who promptly shoved it off of his lap and on the floor between their feet with an "ergh don't strip on me!"
this was it. the peak of archie's life, the story that would be passed down his bloodline for millennia. he would never truly emotionally recover from this, but really who gave a fuck? he didn't. definitely not. definitely not.
there it was, proudly slapped dead centre on his chest, was a large, pixelated explosion, a red cadillac deville with orange flames painted down the sides like some old american speed racer, and a muscled, flexing arnold schwarzenegger-esque bodybuilder wearing nothing out a thong. above and below the cursed imagine, stood the damned words in the retro font of the 1970's: haemorrhoid conqueror.
"holy shit."
leo was silent for half a minute before he burst out laughing, his eyes scanning the shirt up and down in disbelief as if he wasn't the one that bought it.
"don't start."
"never ever did i think you wear that out, man this is great! hey piper, piper-!" leo laughed again, poking his head above the back of the seats we were in to piper, who sat behind us, some blonde guy's head on her shoulder and hand in hers- wait who's this guy?
jason, silly a small voice in archie's head reminded him, and he felt stupid for forgetting their friend jason.
"leo shut up!" piper hissed quietly, gesturing to the sleepy weepy widdle jason drooling all over her shoulder like a teething mouth breathing toddler. "you'll wake him up."
"don't care- our king conqueror's finally made its debut in daylight!"
piper's faux anger she had on her pretty face dropped entirely, her kaleidoscope eyes widened as she shot to the back of archie's head.
"no way."
archie didn't dare respond, he was trying that method his mum taught him when he woke her up at midnight to tell her his fears of parisians taking him from his bed while he slept; if you can't see them they can't see you. leo, however, was more than delighted, his grin splitting his face in half in such a way that couldn't be comfortable.
"yes way, baby!"
"archie no way you're wearing fucking 'haemorrhoid conqueror' in public! on a school trip as well, what?!" piper whisper shouted in disbelief, archie didn't have to turn to face her to know she was grinning.
"i didn't think i'd take my jumper off."
leo lost it. bursting out in loud laughter that shook the bus. archie debated on wringing out leo's neck and seeing if he could change the sound of his echoing laughter like groan tube, but ultimately decided not to after feeling a tingling sensation on the side of his face. two rows diagonally in front of him, sat a teenage boy, turned completely in his seat that his legs were fully in the isle, staring at archie blatantly obviously- more specifically, his shirt. the boy (who he vaguely recognised as isaac) had shit brown ice cream hair and beady little eyes a weird colour that reminded archie of the 'potions' he would make as a kid by crushing up any piece of shrubbery that peaked through the cobblestone street and mixing it with water- his mum quickly shut that down, saying she didn't want any witch accusations.
anyway, archie redecided that he didn't like isaac, especially since his bulbous nose scrunched up and he turned to his friend sat in the seat next to him, slapping his arm and gesturing to archie's unfortunate choice of shirt in the most unsubtle way known to man. fuck you too bitch, i hope you get haemorrhoids.
a little while later, leo's laughter had deescalated into the occasional little giggle, and the two had gone back to their normal ways; archie sat in the seat as motionless as a statue, that only the slight movement of his chest separated him from marble, and leo, who was never in one place for more than a second, going from staring out the window to looking back at piper, readjusting the positioning of his legs, and braiding the ends of archie's hair with his quick fingers all at once.
archie hasn't moved for whole fourteen minutes (he knew because he counted). not a twitch of his finger, not a tap of his shoe, nothing. his eyes never strayed from the top of tracy's head four rows directly in front of him, seeing the patch of dark brown that painted the crown of her head of bleached blonde hair.
"jason, are you okay?"
"alright cupcakes listen up!" coach short sack- sorry- coach hedge shouted. it wasn't overly loud, but it was the best he could do with his little, deflated lungs. hence the megaphone archie had stolen yesterday after dinner so leo could do his thing with it. in archie's opinion, coach shouldn't be called a coach, because to be a coach, you actually had to do something. hedge was just some tiny five foot beast in a neon orange tracksuit that slung around a baseball bat.
"stand up coach hedge!" that would've been a funny joke if it was the first time it was said- it wasn't. archie wondered if hedge had heard that same line more times than dollars he gets paid to do this shit ass job.
"i heard that!" duh. "we'll arrive in five minutes! stay with your partner. don't loose your worksheet. and if any of you precious little cupcakes cause any trouble on this trip, i'll personally send you back to campus the hard way."
charming, thanks.
the bus chittered, thirty odd kids jittering excitedly at the thought of standing up after being trapped in this sweaty sauna bus for five hours. archie couldn't blame them, he was desperate to stretch. he could vaguely hear piper and an unfamiliar voice- jason, silly. that's jason- talking to each other.
"this is a mistake," jason says, his voice firm and cautious. "i'm not supposed to be here."
leo snorts next to him, flipping around in his seat so that his arm was on the back of the chair, leaning over to converse with piper and jason. archie didn't bother moving, his eyes transfixed on some girl's dark roots.
"yeah right jason," leo said easily, snorting and shooting archie a look that he could see from the corner of his eye. "we've all been framed! i didn't run away six times, archie wasn't a homeless thief, and piper didn't steal a bmw."
piper's going to say something about how didn't steal a bmw. this always happens. she's going to say how she 'talked' the dealer-
"i didn't steal that car, leo!"
"right, what was your story again? you talked the dealer into giving it to you?" leo paused and archie just knew he was pulling that stupid face he always did.
"i wasn't homeless." archie felt the need to pipe in, finally dragging his eyes away from the girl's hair to look at leo, a small frown etched in the pinch of his eyebrows. he could feel jason's electric blue eyes digging into the side of his face, as if he was shocked that he started talking. "i just didn't have a house."
"yeah, whaddya think home-less means, buddy?" leo raised his eyebrow, quickly moving on (another thing archie liked about him), to question jason and piper about the work sheet. archie clearly remembered ripping it up in the back of some maths lesson he didn't understand and rolling the little balls of paper in his mouth, leo kept telling him that you had to spit it at people, not just eat it. archie thought the paper tasted good.
"i don't know you." jason said.
"yeah, i'm not your best friend, i'm his ee-veel clone." leo grinned wolfishly, wiggling his fingers in front of jason's face.
archie turned his head to look back at jason for the first time, taking in the teenage boy's military cropped starlight blonde hair and sharp facial features that twisted and pulled in such a worried manner that didn't seem typical for jason- although archie had no clue what the typical jason look was; calmer, probably. less like he was destined to chunder all over the roman republic propaganda that he wore under his windbreaker. archie had no room to judge jason for his obscure shirt choice, not when he supported haemorrhoid conqueror.
"leo valdez!" coach hedge yelled, stood with his hands on his hips like he was superman at the front of the bus. this would've been a little less sad if hedge wasn't so short that archie couldn't see anything below his upper chest. "problem back there?"
leo winked at jason, and archie already knew what he was going to do. "watch this. sorry coach! i was having trouble hearing you. could you use your megaphone please?"
hedge grunted, pleased with any excuse to use that dumb red and white megaphone he probably got for free with a coupon at walmart. in all seriousness, archie was surprised hedge kept falling for the same old trick, watching as the stocky teacher tried shouting through the megaphone, only for his distorted voice to come out like darth vader.
"the cow says moo!"
the bus erupted into howling laughter, and hedge's little face burnt bright red like a beetroot, angrily clipping the megaphone back on his belt. "valdez!"
piper stifled a laugh. "my god leo, how do you do that?"
"i'm a special boy."
"guys seriously," jason pleaded. "what am i doing here? where are we going?"
archie hummed noncommittally, not really paying too much attention to jason's panic- it was probably just some weird prank. "questions like that, you should be a philosopher, jace."
piper, however, quickly become concerned, her eyebrows furrowing together in a concerned point. "jason are you joking?"
"no, i have no idea—"
"aw yeah, yes joking," leo teased, circling his finger in jason's pleading face. "he's tryna get us back for that jell-o and shaving cream thing, aren't you?"
"or when we put mice in your shoes." archie added. he and leo had done so many pranks on jason (leo's idea), that he wouldn't even blame the blonde for this one. "or the nair-on-eyebrows incident."
"or when we locked you out on the roof for two hours- that one was an accident."
jason stared at the pair blankly, wondering why on earth he supposedly became friends with these two.
"no, i think he's serious..." archie watched as piper went to grab jason's hand, but the blonde snapped his hand away, as if she had given him an electric shock. jason's eyes widened, and he started rambling muddled apologies to the hurt piper.
"that's it!" hedge yelled from the front. "the back row has just volunteered kitchen cleaning for the week!"
the rest of the bus cheered. archie didn't particularly mind kitchen cleaning duty. it was just washing dishes and shit like that since the wilderness school cafeteria staff had recently been reduced a stunning one-man team. he had done much worse things than washing mushy peas off of plates, but the way leo's shoulders sagged and a tired groan vibrated though his body made archie slightly regret giving the porter salmonella.
"that's a shocker."
JASON QUITE HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE WHAT TO THINK ABOUT HIS NEW COMPANY. piper was pretty- drop dead gorgeous in an effortless way that she had tried to butcher, but it had backfired completely and only seemed to make her more pretty; leo was a comedic weirdo that couldn't sit still for longer than five seconds, and in the ten minutes he had known the boy, jason just knew he would feel the end of his bloodline if the elvish latino was anywhere near a vaguely threatening object- like a brick. (it was the only thing jason could think of).
archie felt like someone jason should be intimidated by- he had heavy eyes and an almost sickly accumulation of strong cheekbones and sharp features that drew together like a fearful, stony symphony on his pale, placid face; his hair was a long, untamed mess that ended at his mid-back and the colour was the infuriating grey area between dirty blonde and mousy brown that jason could see people fighting about. at first, jason had assumed he was a hyper realistic halloween wax figure that occupied the space next to leo, as the only movement in the teenage boy was the rock of the bus.
when archie spoke, it made jason jump- not in a rude way, he just didn't expect him to be able to talk, or for the sound of his voice to be some weird blend of slight texan american and... something european to attack his ears. jason couldn't tell where. scotland, maybe? england? if jason didn't know any better (he didn't), he would've thought archie was doing some weird botched english accent.
the creaky bus finally came to a stop in the middle of nowhere, and the kids eagerly toppled out. now the unlikely group of three jason found himself with stood outside a big red stucco complex like museum- the museum of nowhere, jason thought humourlessly- and he was freezing.
from the corner of his eye, jason watched the stupidly tall, long haired boy harshly shove a dark blue, wide-necked sweater over his body, giving a smug (could it be considered smug? not really, it was just an almost unnoticeable quirk of his eyebrows, the slightest tilt of his head, and the upward tilt of his lips; but it was the most emotion jason had seen from him so far) look towards leo, who seemed comically small next to him. leo tutted and waved his hand in archie's face, then turned to jason with his permanent mischievous smirk written on his lips that made jason feel that the next words that came from leo would either be mind blowingly stupid, or shockingly unhelpful.
"so, crash course for the amnesiac. we go to 'wilderness school'" leo made air quotes with his fingers. "which means we're 'bad kids'. your family, or court, or whoever, decided you we're too much trouble, so they shipped you off to this prison- sorry, 'boarding school'- in armpit, nevada, where you learn valuable nature skills like running ten miles a day through cacti and weaving daisies into hats! and for a special treat, we get to go on 'educational' field trips with coach hedgehogs, who keeps us in line with a baseball bat. coming back to you now?"
"no." shockingly unhelpful it was, then. jason looked around at the thirty odd teenagers that were gathered around, and wondered what they did to earn themselves the label of 'delinquent kids', and what jason had done to lump himself with them.
leo rolled his eyes, probably still believing jason was joking. he wasn't.
"you're really gonna play this out, huh? okay, the four of us started here together this semester. we're totally tight. you do everything i say and give me your dessert, and brush archie's hair when his arms get tired—"
"stop it leo!" piper snapped.
"fine, ignore that last part—i do that—but we are friends. well, you and piper have been a little more than friends recently—" leo teased, and both jason and piper's face exploded in red.
"leo!" piper was pink in the face like a cherry, but she made it beautiful. "he's got amnesia or something. we've got to tell somebody."
leo snorted, jutting his chin towards the beefy little man in the tracksuit. "who? coach hedge? he'd try fix jason by slugging him 'round the head!"
"have you tried self-flagellation?" jason half jumped out of his skin at the deep, wiry voice. he honestly didn't know how he'd forgotten about archie stood on the other side of leo, maybe it was because he was so silent. the teenager stared straight at jason from over leo's head, his dark, deep-set eyes felt like torture enough.
"err..." self-flagellation? isn't that beating yourself up?
archie still had the passive look to his face, as if what he was saying was completely normal. leo and piper didn't react much to it either, and jason felt wholly uncomfortable at the thought that this was the norm in the wilderness school.
"purging might do it. i don't have any lax-uh-tivies but i can punch you real bad in the stomach if you want mate."
"i'm... i'm okay... thanks though."
"i told you, man, it's pronounced laxatives." leo said, though his voice didn't really hold the accountability his words portrayed.
"leo, archie, please. jason needs help," piper pleaded, moving her hand as if to touch jason's, but flinched back. jason would've felt bad if he actually knew this girl like she said he did. "he's got a concussion or something—"
"yo, piper." some guy wedged himself between jason and leo to get to piper, knocking leo down in the process. "don't talk to these bottom-feeders, you're my partner, remember?"
the new guy—dylan—had dark superman-cut hair, and teeth so white they could blind someone with the sun's reflection. dylan wore a dallas cowboy's jersey, and absolutely stank of axe body spray. jason already decided that he didn't like him.
"go away, dylan," piper grumbled, trying to shove his arm off from around her shoulders. "i didn't ask to work with you."
"aww, don't be like that, piper! today's your lucky day!" and with that, piper was hooked at the arm and whisked away by dylan, not without sending a 911 over her shoulder.
archie helped leo up from the floor, and the curly haired latino brushed himself off, huffing under his breath. "fuck, i hate that guy." leo then offered his arm to archie for him to take, but the long haired boy was too busy staring darkly at the back of dylan's greased head to notice. jason felt a chill down his spine, and whilst convincing himself it was just the chill of the wind, he wondered what sort of thing was going through archie's mind. leo wasn't phased by archie's rejection, instead putting on a stupid voice that jason supposed was meant to be dylan. "hi, i'm dylan. i'm so cool, i want to date myself but i can't figure out how! wanna date me instead? you're so lucky!"
"leo," jason said bluntly. "you're weird."
leo, again, didn't seem phased. instead, his cheeky grin widened. "yeah, you tell me that a lot. but if you don't remember me, that means i can reuse all my jokes, c'mon!" leo grabbed archie's bicep, dragging him along with the two as they walked into the museum like he was a lost dog.