Chapter Text
When he was King, Ganondorf had often times postured himself as something of a well-traveled epicurean, a phrase he would throw around like an interesting fact about himself until Nabooru pointed out that, technically, all Gerudo were well-traveled epicureans considering their relatively nomadic nature and he, technically, wasn't all that special. After that he only spoke at length of his worldly knowledge in front of non-Gerudo, which earned him the acceptable amount of impact and importance. Regardless of his listeners, his role did take him to various lands and gave him a chance to sample all the good that life had to offer.
Most of these delicacies resulted from their cross domain monthly meetings which were, in private, considered decadent fetes to only minorly discuss news and to majorly show off the comfort and wealth of their homelands. For many, this was a joy in and of itself, basking in the luxury of unprecedented peace between regions and the alliances it fostered. For Ganondorf and his ambassadors, these were proving grounds of both the stomach and the mind.
It became quickly apparent, once the new member of the political elite attended a round of dinners, that palates among each region were very different. Rito dinners tended to be filling, bready meals with plenty of spice and heat while the Gerudo gravitated towards light and fresh finished with the sweetest, coldest desserts one could get their hands on. Those, in his well-traveled epicurean opinion, were the best of the five. Pressed, he might even include the rich, mild stews and salted meat of the Hylians, though several people would need to be removed from the room before he would willingly utter such a comment out loud. The worst, with almost no competition except each other, were the Gorons and Zora. If either were the next in rotation, his retainers, of their own accord, would turn into elite spies, disappearing and reappearing within the day, the offending meal plan found stashed in a pocket or shoe and delivered directly to his hands.
With this information, the Gerudo entourage turned unstoppable. If the Gorons made their curry with a rocky roux (likely) or the Zora had planned to serve their fish au naturel (very likely), he was almost always the first to know and always the first to make a countermove. Mostly, they just arrived at the dinner already full and with a simple gift, a direct and quick response that left both the hosting domain and the Gerudo cordial enough to maintain good relations.
What Ganondorf hasn't anticipated, though, was how coveted such knowledge was by the Hyrulean and Rito courts. Were it just the Rito Elder begging for his mercy, for the sharing of an insider source or two in exchange for a few highly guarded secrets, then it would have been simple, but the newly founded Kingdom of Hyrule was another matter.
The situation had begun with a simple compliment. During a particularly awful dinner in the Zora capital, one sprung on all the representatives last minute after Hyrule's royal cook fell ill, Rauru had extended what, at the time, was intended to be a polite courtesy to the chef for stepping in on short notice. What the comment had evolved into resulted in several dinners unexpectedly rescheduled with the Zora Domain hosting. Rauru almost immediately realized his blunder, but it had been too late. For months after, all their dinners were assortments of raw, bone-in, fully scaled seafood, until Ganondorf, the Rito Elder, and the Goron Boss united in opposition to rein in the Zora King's misplaced enthusiasm. It took him an untold number of months to look at the Hyrule court with anything less than total animosity, and a few more after that to willingly consume fish, raw, cooked, or otherwise again. This was the only time he was not alone in his particular contempt towards the Hylian King.
As a gift for inspiring such camaraderie among them, and for the unintentional impact of their united front raising the Gorons' estimation of their own locally grown rock roasts, Ganondorf had decided to turn the exchange of information into a little game. If a Zora or Goron dinner was around the corner, one of his staff would accidentally mention an upcoming meal course to both a Rito and Hylian ambassador. The catch was that the information would be either entirely fabricated or completely truthful, and each domain was told one or the other.
He had been explaining this part of the plan to the Gerudo entourage when Elder Isha cackled loudly and suggested that there be another layer to the deception, a final countermeasure – Advisor Pokki. Pokki was new to the political world, young and very shy, so shy that she often preferred to hide among the other representatives. She also had a variety of allergies, including hard minerals, like rocks and fish bones, that required rigorous dietary management. To ensure she didn’t feel ostracized or find herself the center of unwanted attention, the rest, as a show of solidarity, would follow her restrictions to the letter along side her. During these monthly dinners, the timid, inexperienced Gerudo hoped that the leaders would be kind enough to excuse the inconvenience imposed as she too, hesitantly but hopefully, took part in celebrating their cross domain unity. It helped that Pokki was immensely likable, smart, and beloved by her fellow advisors. Even King Ganondorf, himself, would attest that she was a vital asset to the entourage, offering sage guidance and levity during times of deep frustration and confusion. Most importantly, outside of having such a sweet and kind disposition, was that she was, entirely and completely, fictional.
Essentially, if any domains wizened up to the scheme and sought alternate ways to avoid encountering certain meals, Advisor Pokki was the fail safe. Luckily, the Gerudo were able to enjoy about half a year of this duplicity before the Hylians attempted a response, drawing out their gentle, novice advisor from secrecy to make her political debut. Though it seemed like fate, as if the Seven themselves wanted minor contribution to what was, to be fair, a petty and much beneath him revenge plot, Ganondorf had not left plans to any guiding hand but his own. The trap had always been set for the Kingdom of Hyrule alone.
The Hyrulean royals were many things: ignorant, short-sighted, social climbers, anklebiters, and false gods, to name a few, but there was one inescapable fact about their King - Rauru was depressingly guileless. The man was as easy to trick as a sand seal, always falling for the obvious pitfalls, the most desperate of charlatans, the lies even the youngest children would notice. Watching him crunch down on pebbles hidden in a plate of curry rice for the fourth time in a row was a highlight. However, though it was a personal delight to watch, his target had never been the King alone. Outsmarting the Queen would take a more delicate, patient approach. Specifically, it would take someone like Advisor Pokki.
Ganondorf knew the trap had been sprung when the Hylians correctly guessed not to eat the impeccably plated three whole raw squid on a bed of potentially toxic algae. He had briefly mourned the missed opportunity of the Zora accidentally assassinating the royal Hyrule family, resulting in a catastrophic political vacuum and escalating tensions with the caressing promise of physical conflict, but for now his tried to keep his hopes low and his goals practical. Though after the Hylian court, again, sidestepped the game entirely and chose to eat before the meal, avoiding the jaw breaking, cooked to perfection, spiced rock roast, he couldn’t help but smile into his drink. Sonia had made her move.
Advisor Pokki took the stage the following month, during a Gerudo hosted dinner, and was only mentioned to the select few domains who her dietary restrictions would impact. Quite suddenly, melt off the bone spiced venison and fully prepared oozingly good cheesy baked fish were served along side the usual domain staples. And this change was not a single occurrence – Pokki ensured that the Zora and Goron dinners became a favorite among the Rito and Gerudo courts. Soon there was a surge in demand for Goron spice and Zora caught seafood. Within a short period of time she became a hero at their monthly feasts, lauded for her candor and unintentional, but welcome insight. Best yet, to the confusion of the Hyruleans, her name would, on several occasions, be offered up as a toast. Ganondorf had laughed so loudly the first time the Rito had wished her good health, Nabooru was forced to cover for him. From her lie, retelling of the famed dinner now included an aside about how the Gerudo King was so pleased with his advisor that he was overcome with a joyous fit of delight. It was a full four months before the First King and Queen of Hyrule caught on.
However, to Ganondorf’s mild frustration and, then, later, tepid acceptance, there was one member of Hyrule’s entourage that never seemed to misstep, even back when the Gerudo had first introduced the game to these monthly dinners. She had been found, according to Rauru, in that overstuffed and embellished way of his which made the telling approximately six times longer than any story had the right to be, in a field. When Ganondorf had said exactly that, after a half hour of listening to his prolonged self-aggrandizing, the only one who laughed had been the subject of the tale. She had the awareness to be embarrassed, self-consciously tucking a loose strain of hair behind her ear when everyone turned to her, and then immediately, once eyes had been averted to another discussion point, shared a look with him that both held the familiarity of an old friend and the uncomfortability of two strangers finding they had something in common. Her name was Zelda, and he did not like her.
Ganondorf found he liked Zelda even less when she began actively predicting when a dinner was worth eating or not. She not only sidestepped the toxic squid, but was also the only Hylian representative to try the Goron’s first edible meal in recent memory, furtively giving the dish a glowing review to the Goron Boss sitting beside her. Worse, when the courts first cheered for Pokki’s health, the woman had caught his eye and tipped her cup in his direction with a thoroughly pleased, amused smile. Though her gestures had been, at worst, cordially neutral, they both were highly aware of the shared secret that sat between them like an octorok, one she could pop as easily as leaning over and pointing it out to the Queen, ruining his mildly harmful fun. When she never did – Sonia realized the deception only after a detailed and obvious, investigation into Pokki – Ganondorf took her silence as something calculating and determined it best to avoid her until confrontation was absolutely necessary.
Zelda was not the only headache in the months after the Zora incident. The Rito Elder had also begun probing into his personal life a concerning and questionable amount. Often times he or a bodyguard would catch an advisor leaning in to overhear snatches of a discussion, especially if it was idle chat about nothing in particular. Some of the more egregious spying was during their monthly dinners, when she would slide into the seat next to him, only to find various ways not to engage in conversation the entire night. By the time she spoke to him, their one-sided conversations had become something of a joke among the Gerudo assembly -- their King had finally done something worthwhile with his overt, ego-driven scheming and found a willing conversation partner. He had responded back that he found her perspective enlightening.
He found her perspective much less so when the first actual exchange confusingly concluded in the scheduling of a private and official meeting with a potential promise of Rito retaliation should the Gerudo fail to approach the negotiation table. When Ganondorf had informed his entourage of this development, Nabooru very bluntly asked if this was the other, very deserved shoe dropping, and if they should be expected to kneel before another domain. Again. Though it was meant lightly, though he could tell Nabooru immediately wished she had never said it, the memory of groveling, and of his advisors groveling, had so incensed him that he threatened to bar her from attending all government functions pending a full review of her conduct and competency. Only Elder Isha’s steady hand and rationale had held him from moving forward with that promise.
With tensions high, the entourage met with the Rito for a very different discussion than any had been expecting. The Elder, instead of a show of power or highly sensitive information, asked Ganondorf for a very simple deal: protection against his grudge with the King and Queen of Hyrule in exchange for a recipe. Before he had a chance to scoff or misdirect, she quietly revealed that during her spying, they had unearthed one of the Gerudo King’s most embarrassing weaknesses. Unlike his assembly, who loved all sorts of imaginable sweetness and would find any excuse to add fruit and fruit juice to their drinks, Ganondorf always drank black tea heavily steeped without sugar or milk. If there was dessert during the domain dinners, he would feign interest in another discussion and discreetly pass his plate to an eager body guard. If a main course contained more than a little cane sugar, chances are the Gerudo assembly would show up with apologies from their King – he would be, unfortunately, bedridden with a mysterious, single night illness that prevented his attendance. In short, and here the Rito Elder tapped the table between them as domain leaders did during meetings when they wanted to draw attention before speaking, it was easily surmised that Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo, did not enjoy the consumption of sweets. To his deepening scowl, and the amused silence of his advisors, the Rito proposed a drink that was rich, bitter, slightly sweet, and dappled with different spices. Of course, they would let him taste the drink first before they came to an agreement. Nabooru, feeling brave again after Isha had negotiated a detente between them which mostly came down to a mutual agreement that they would never talk about the kneeling situation again, had rolled her eyes, but also sighed and pointed out that he had nothing to lose and, though he had been trying to hide it, was getting tired of drinking plain tea.
It was called drinking chocolate, and the sharp bittersweet taste was enough for him to agree without a second of hesitation. A very pleased Rito chef had also discussed making the chocolate brick, a solid lump of ground cacao bean, sugar, and spices that could only be hardened in the chill climate of Rito village, and how he had made changes to get a “flavor profile” that fit Ganondorf’s palette. He also, in a whisper “one chocolate lover to another”, told him the recipe for a tea made of the leftover cacao shells with a promise that when the nights were especially chilly, the chocolate tea would warm him as if he were curled up next to a lit hearth.
Another quiet deal later, and they had established a supply line for both the chocolate bricks and the cacao shells to Gerudo Town. Though this alliance eventually would fall under the weight of Ganondorf’s struggle for power against the Hyrulean throne, for a time the Gerudo and Rito shared a cordial and prosperous relationship.