Chapter Text
Alexius’ days were quiet, again. It was a sickly mirror to the happiest time of his life - when his only concerns were whether he could track down that bit of information that would unlock whatever mystery he was tracking down.
Of course, unlike that time in his life, his days didn’t end at a dinner table, trading discoveries with the love of his life. Livia’s soft smile, Felix’s proud chattering - that was long lost to him.
Now the only thing that waited for him was a chilly room and distrustful glares from those with the unfortunate luck to be placed on guard duty for a sad, old man.
Still, there wasn’t much for Alexius to complain about. He had his research, the food was bearable, and his position as an agent for the Inquisition meant he wasn’t regulated to the cells below Skyhold. His findings had been satisfactory enough that he had even been granted permission to not be chained as he was escorted place to place by his guard.
He had gotten to know the men and women assigned to him though he had not bothered to form any sort of connection with them. They didn’t seem interested either. Apart from the occasional discussion with a mage when they had a question related to his studies, he barely spoke to anyone these days.
He was never alone and yet he was terribly lonely. A fitting punishment for his failures.
There was a part of Alexius that hated to admit that he did derive some pleasure from his work. It felt wrong, to find moments empty of the misery he deserved. To find himself looking forward to it each day, even.
It was a better day than most when he found himself being escorted through the tower the southern mages had claimed as their own. It was nothing compared to the vaunted circles of Tevinter, a pitiful collection of hodgepodge books, half melted candles, and cobwebs. But the song of magic remained the same, despite all that. When there were many gathered to explore the mysteries of the universe with freedom - the beauty remained.
His own study was going well. A mage assigned to look over his work had informed him of a new book that she thought he might find useful. Perhaps it was his uncommonly good mood that put him in a position to be so startled. That allowed him to have a reaction elicited when he never would have expected it.
Not ten feet away from him stood Dorian Pavus. His erstwhile apprentice whose betrayal shook him to the core.That itself was not unusual - Alexius had grown very good at pretending not to see the young man.
No - that is not what disturbed him. It was who was standing with Dorian. Standing over him, looming. It was the largest Qunari Alexius had ever had the displeasure to see, towering over Dorian where he must have backed the man against the wall.
The beast must have been seven feet tall at least, with massive horns reaching even higher. The breadth of him was terrible and made Dorian look even smaller in comparison.
Every protective nerve in Alexius fired off all at once, seeing the creature so close to his student. He could bring that meaty hand to Dorian’s throat and snap it in an instant, all before Alexius could do a single damn thing.
He had seen the horrors the Qunari could commit. He knew what they did to Tevinter mages. Terror struck through him at the thought of Dorian in one of their clutches. His boy was brave and talented and far too foolworthy to back down, his light would be snuffed without a second thought. Alexius couldn’t let that happen.
“Get away from him, you beast!” He snarled without thinking, taking a step towards the pair. He could feel magic coalescing around his fingers, rage hot and alive. He hadn’t cast anything in- well. Since his captivity began. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t.
It seemed that Alexius had once again cracked the code to time magic, as everything around him went deadly still. The mages and other Inquisition members around them went quiet. Dorian himself was stock still, but staring back at Alexius with an expression of openly naked shock.
Alexius wasn’t sure he ever saw the young man stunned quiet, it was a miracle really.
The beast was looking at him with some expression Alexius couldn’t decipher, but he knew he didn’t care for it.
And then time started again as the world crashed around him. Strong hands grabbed his arm, pulling him back even as a wave of nausea flooded him, nearly knocking him to the ground without aid of any human intervention.
Ah he thought idly as he ignored whatever it was his guard was yelling at him that’s what it feels like when these Southern Templars impose their ill gotten might.
No wonder southern mages were so meek.
“Don’t- don’t hurt him,” Dorian called as he hurried over, hesitating steps away from Alexius.
“Forgive me,” he rasped, looking to his guard, anywhere but at Dorian, “I- I should like to go back to my room now.”
What did it matter to him if Dorian found destruction with the traitors he threw his lot in with? If this Inquisitor would let a Qunari soldier into his home and allow him to wreak havoc, that was his business. Alexius had a very narrow world these days, and his business was small, and it wasn’t Dorian Pavus.
“Alexius, wait, are you alright? I wish to speak with you,” Dorian sounded so hopeful. As if anything he had to say would make up for what he did. For how he betrayed Felix.
He ignored him. He ignored the Qunari staring holes into him from across the room. He ignored the stares of the mages, and the voice in his head that was telling him to man up and speak to Dorian, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Livia’s.
“Please. My room.” he rasped again. He had no qualm begging. Not even his pride was left to him these days.
He was escorted from the tower without another word to be alone with his ghosts.
***
Alexius supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that his little melt down would inspire Dorian to finally come to him. It had been easy to avoid the boy as it had been clear that Dorian was trying to do the same.
And now he could do so no longer. Dorian stood in the doorway, Alexius’ guard a few steps behind him. He wondered if they were suspicious of Alexius and the harm they thought he could do to Dorian or if they were just worried about two Tevinter mages in the same room. Did their distrust extend to Dorian, despite all he had done for their pitiful organization?
Alexius assumed so. And perhaps it would serve Dorian right, to see that his power and beauty would be feared outside Tevinter.
“Alexius,” Dorian said finally, expression set to something bland and unreadable. It reminded him of Aquinea.
He had been a guest at the Pavus home several times, Halward had been something of a friend at one time. He had never really cared for Halward's wife. Then again, neither had Halward.
She had shown all the social graces due to his position but made it clear she saw nothing to gain in cultivating that relationship. He always thought Dorian took after his father, but of course he could not have escaped that household without taking something from his mother.
“Dorian,” he responded in kind, not getting up from where was seated at his small desk.
They were but feet away from each other and yet it was an unfathomable chasm. The silence hung uneasy in the room, with all the things unsaid.
“I- I’m sorry,” Dorian cleared his throat, “I should have made time to see you before.”
“Don’t be. I didn’t want you to. And I have no need for your presence now,” he replied brusquely.
He said all he needed to in that room when everything fell apart.
“Please, Alexius. We were something to each other once,” his time away from Tevinter was making him sloppy. Already he could see that controlled expression slipping, something more honest and desperate beneath it.
“Once, yes. Before you betrayed us. I have nothing else to say to you, Dorian. Livia is dead. Felix is dead. And though my lungs still take in air, I am dead, too.”
Dorian sighed heavily, but did not leave. Instead he took the few steps over to Alexius’ neatly made bed, sitting on the edge of it.
“I didn’t betray you, Alexius. You were- no. No, I don’t want to get into all this again. Please, let us just… we have lost so much. Can’t we just move forward?”
Alexius turned in his seat, taking him in. He looked older than Alexius remembered. But perhaps Dorian would live as Felix did in his mind. Young, happy, full of life, full of potential. Perfect golden images that could never hurt others or be hurt.
“There is no forward, Dorian. I serve at the Inquisitor’s behest. I do my part and I wait until I can finally be with Livia and Felix again, Maker willing. There is no room for you there.”
Even without knowing the boy for years he could have read the hurt across his face.
“Felix wouldn’t want that for you-”
“Don’t you dare tell me what Felix would or would not want,” he snarled instantly, anger hot across his face, “you’re the reason he isn’t here to say what his wishes are!”
He expected more heat, a flare of temper, echoes of their screaming in the past. But Dorian just sighed, running a hand over his face.
“No, Alexius. It’s not my fault. And it- it’s not yours either. You didn’t fail him by not being able to save him. You failed him by betraying everything you stood for-”
“You don’t get to lecture me on betrayals, we could have-”
“Everything you taught him to believe, taught me to honor!”
The room fell silent again, chasm just as wide as it was when Dorian entered. There was a cough from just outside the door. A reminder to behave.
“Whatever you’re here for, Dorian, you won’t find it. I have nothing for you.”
Dorian was looking at him now, expression naked, seeking.
“I have to believe- why did you yell at The Iron Bull? If you really-” he cut himself off again.
The Iron Bull? An odd name but then again, with some space from the incident, it made sense. A Vashoth. Of course there wouldn’t be a Qunari soldier among the Inquisition. While many of his compatriots would not understand the difference Alexius had never been so careless with details or nuance.
It was Alexius’ turn to sink back against his seat now, rubbing his own face, “I wasn’t expecting to see one of them. It was simply an old habit. Don’t read into it.”
“He’s not dangerous,” he paused at Alexius’ disbelieving look, “Or well, yes, he’s very dangerous. But not to- not to the Inquisition.”
Not to me he was going to say. The fool.
“They’re all dangerous, Dorian. Even those who aren’t with the Qun. Especially to you.”
If word somehow made it back to Tevinter. Well, Dorian was no stranger to vicious rumors, but some are worse than others. This one would be devastating.
“The Iron Bull isn’t-” Dorian cut off suddenly, seeming to need to gather his words. Alexius had spent enough time with him to know when he decided to not say something.
By the maker, he had spent time trying to teach the boy how to not always say the first thing that came to his mind.
“He’s not like that.”
“They all are, Dorian. Whatever rebellion you are indulging will not be worth the cost. There are eyes everywhere.”
“If I cared what others thought of me and my choices, I would still be in Tevinter, married and miserable,” Dorian scoffed, arms folded across his chest.
“Laying with men and refusing to marry would hurt your prospects among some, Dorian, but laying with the enemy? You already court accusations of treason by pledging loyalty to a Southern Institution. Our homeland will not make the distinction between a Qunari of the Qun and one who is not. If this is some boyish attempt to get back at your father-”
“I am a grown man, Alexius. I don’t make romantic decisions out of spite for my father.”
“Romantic?”
Dorian scrunched his nose at being called out on his slip of the tongue. He may have claimed to be a man, but the expression made him look like the boy Alexius would always think of him as.
“I have been old enough to make my own decisions for some time. But I… appreciate it. That you’re looking out for me.” There was that hopeful look again.
And Alexius was, wasn’t he. Even after all that happened, he was still worried about Dorian. He hated the boy. He was the reason his son wasn’t here. And yet.
No. No, no, no, no.
“I said don’t read into it. If I had known you were allowing that beast so close willingly, I wouldn’t have tried to intervene. I had no idea how far you’d fallen. You turned your back on me, on Felix, on Tevinter - and now you lie with beasts. I should have never taken you in, I should have listened to the warnings. A snake in my home.”
Dorian stood up abruptly, walking towards the door. Alexius knew him well enough to know where to hit. It was frighteningly easy to rouse him to anger. To push him away.
Dorian did not leave. He hesitated, standing with his back to Alexius. He stood still but for deep breaths raising his chest for a moment before he slammed his hand against the door jam and spun back to face Alexius.
His handsome face was flushed and the flickering candlelight in the room almost made it appear as if his eyes were watery.
“No. No! I haven’t done any of those things! I love my homeland, no matter what sick old magisters have tried to do to it. No matter how deep the poison runs. I will make it better, because I know its beating heart.
And I know yours too, Alexius. I know the man you were before you allowed your fear to control you,” he hesitated again before shoring up his bravery, “Tevinter can still be saved.”
And so can you went unsaid.
“By you? You are naive, Dorian and too rash by half. Tevinter will eat you up and spit you out. And it will be what you deserve.”
“I will do it and I may die trying, but at least I will have tried. At least I will go down knowing I did the right thing.”
“The right thing,” he scoffed, “the folly of youth. There is no right and wrong. At the end of the day all you can do is fight for the ones you love. And you didn’t die trying to do that, did you? You gave up. You ran away when it was too hard, like you always have.”
“No- no, I will do this for the ones I love. Because they want it too. Because Felix wanted a better Tevinter. Because you did too, once.”
“I want nothing, Dorian, but for an end to this suffering.”
Dorian went quiet then, the fight seeping from his posture.
“Dorian?” Alexius called, as the man went to leave. He turned back, waiting, vulnerable.
“Don’t come here again.”
***
He wasn’t summoned to the tower for the next week, left to his studies in his small room, with nameless guards his only company.
He tried to push the whole thing from his mind with limited success. Dorian’s accusations fell heavy around his throat, like the chains he no longer wore.
He knew Felix hadn’t approved of his methods, but he was Felix’s father. He knew better. It all would have been worth it. He would have ripped Thedas apart for Felix and not lost a wink of sleep over it. Dorian couldn’t understand. He wasn’t a father.
As for whatever love he once bore the boy, it was gone. How could it not be? Dorian not only refused to help but brought in Southerners to stand against him.
It was not Alexius’ problem if Dorian wanted to court danger with the Vashoth beast. Even if it didn’t want to hurt him, which Alexius was not convinced of, should any rumor of this get back to Tevinter it would be catastrophic for Dorian’s future.
There were already so many unfair judgements upon the boy for who he chose to love. But this? This would be damn near treason. Those up north were unlikely to care about the distinction between Vashoth and Qunari.
In his memory the candlelight had flicked, draping the room in a dream like haze. Dorian had sat beside him, pouring over their latest failed experiment. He had said something, some joke that was lost to time, but the feeling of warmth in Alexius’ chest was something that still lived. He had laughed, resting a hand on Dorian’s shoulder, and the young man had given him a sleepy smile with none of his usual preening or posturing. The night itself wasn’t important and yet never left Alexius.
It was as present as another night in his memory in the same room. There was no soft light in this memory, no fondness. Just Dorian standing across the room from him, a snarl twisting his lips as he spat out angry words he likely regretted later. Just Dorian turning and leaving, abandoning Gereon and everything they had.
Alexius found himself going in circles, chasing feelings that hadn’t risen in his chest since he fell to his knees in the decrepit excuse for a castle in Redcliffe. He had been entirely numb since he failed Felix.
Even when he received the letter informing him of Felix’s death he had felt nothing. He was nothing already, an empty vessel simply waiting to be emptied into the great beyond. He felt no joy, no fear, no sadness. He walked through his life in a fog one day at a time with no future or past.
To suddenly have these sensations again was overwhelming. For them to be brought on because of Dorian - it infuriated him. To feel sick with worry over Dorian.
It was on a night where he was tormented with such thoughts that the Inquisitor came to him.