Work Text:
Jaemin,
I’m sorry. I don't know how else to begin this, but I guess there's no other way. I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t need to say it, that you’ll somehow understand, but here I am, writing a letter when I could barely even say it out loud. Even now, my hand shakes as I hold the pen.
I guess I’ve always been afraid of words, afraid of what they might mean when they leave my lips. It's strange, isn’t it? For someone who talks so easily, I find it impossible to say the one thing that’s been sitting in my chest for so long now, growing heavier every day.
I think you already know, though. I think you’ve always known, in that way you always seem to know things about me that I can’t even admit to myself. Maybe I don’t want to say it out loud because I’m terrified of the consequences. I’ve seen the way people look at us, the way the world expects us to be enemies, to be rivals. They don’t see what I see when I look at you.
I hate that, more than anything. The way they treat us like we’re nothing but a game, a rivalry to be won. But there’s something so real between us, Jaemin, something so undeniable that I can’t keep pretending it’s not there.
You’ll probably laugh if you ever read this, thinking it’s some kind of joke or that I’m just messing with you. But that’s not it. Not at all. I wish it were easier to explain. I wish I could take all these feelings and put them into a neat little box so you could open it and understand. But I can’t. Because there’s no neat little box for this. It’s messy, and it doesn’t make sense, and it hurts in a way that I don’t know how to describe.
I think maybe that’s the worst part. I don’t know how to talk to you about this, even though I’ve spent so much time trying to find the right words. What if it ruins everything? What if I say the wrong thing and you never want to speak to me again? I’ve seen the way you look at me when I’m too serious, too vulnerable, and it’s like you’re trying to figure me out, trying to decode something that doesn’t make sense to you. You’re always so sure of yourself, so confident in who you are, and I—well, I’m just not.
But I can’t keep pretending, Jaemin. I can’t keep acting like you don’t mean something to me. I can’t keep pretending that I don’t think about you at night, wondering if you feel the same way. I can’t keep lying to myself. I’ve been doing it for so long now that I’m not sure who I even am anymore.
When I’m around you, it’s like I forget how to breathe. Everything gets so loud in my head, and I can’t focus on anything but you. I hear your voice, and I swear it’s the only thing that matters. I hear your laughter, and it’s like the world pauses for just a moment. You’re so different from me in so many ways, but that’s what makes it hurt even more. I want to be close to you, Jaemin. I want to tell you everything I’ve been hiding. But I’m scared. Scared of the world, scared of how it will all fall apart, scared of what we could be if I let myself fall too far.
I know this is selfish. I know I’m asking for something impossible. But I don’t think I can stand to keep this inside anymore. You might never feel the same way, and maybe that’s okay. But I needed you to know, even if just for a moment, that this—this thing between us—is real to me. It’s more real than anything I’ve ever known.
I hope you don’t hate me for writing this, for laying all my thoughts out like this. I just couldn’t keep going on pretending like it didn’t matter. Because it does. You do.
And maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel the same.
-Jeno.