Work Text:
True To Yourself
By: EverRosaleigh
Eloise grimaced as Lord Morrison tightened his grip on her arm, attempting to pull her back towards the dance floor. His face twisted as he near growled at her, "You are to finish this dance. People are looking!" The rise and fall of her chest quickened as she pulled her arm away, "I see what masters you. Next time you try to compliment a woman, try not to insult her entire sex in the process." He made an attempt to reach for her again until he saw Lady Bridgerton make her way towards them. Lord Morrison straightened his back, sneering at Eloise before turning and walking out of the ballroom, allowing the debutante to flee the dance floor followed by her mother.
"Eloise!" Violet called after her daughter who passed her on her way to the staircase. "What?" Eloise breathed out as she turned on the staircase, her mother climbing to try to quiet the conversation. Somehow they had managed to not draw a great deal of attention to themselves as the Hearts and Flowers Ball swayed in the background. "I invited Lord Morrison specifically for you. He is known to share your rebellious spirit." Eloise furrowed her brow at Violet and felt tears begin to spring to the corner of her eyes. She bid them away and rubbed the ache in her left arm, "My rebellion is not some party dress I put on to play a part, Mama, and it is certainly not some accomplishment I have developed like singing or painting to help me attract a suitor. I know...I am a disappointment to you so just allow me to take my leave and go to bed." Eloise felt she could not contain her tears much longer and refused to show the sentiment as she turned away from her mother.
Penelope had been watching the exchange between Eloise and Violet near the bottom of the staircase. Her heart ached for her friend, who was near panic. She called after Eloise when she began to run up the stairs. "I wish to be alone," Eloise gathered the pink fine lace fabric of her gown and hurried up the steps leaving Penelope behind. Violet gave a sorrowful sigh as she looked after her daughter. Her gaze shifted over to Penelope, letting her arms falls to her side. "I cannot make heads or tails of how to guide her this season. Lord Morrison seemed to share her rebellious nature, did he not?" Penelope gave a small nod and used her gloved hand to cover her mouth as she cleared her throat. She turned to go down the steps before sighing and turning towards a saddened and perplexed Violet.
"She cannot be pushed Lady Bridgerton. The more you attempt to conform Eloise to whatever norm society sees fit, I fear the further she will run from you...from everyone. I would truly hate to see Eloise seek isolation just because she feels she must hide who she truly is," Penelope spoke in a soft tone afraid to overstep her place with the Dowager Viscountess Bridgerton; however, it was a concern she needn’t embrace. Violet took in a deep breath and reached out her hand to Penelope, "I do not either Penelope. I do not want any of my children hiding from me." She gave Penelope's hand a squeeze, "How lucky I am to have you watching over Eloise...when it seems I fail to reach her."
Violet moved to climb the steps after Eloise but a tug to her hand gave her pause. "Perhaps, Lady Bridgerton, you could give her a moment. El says what she means." Violet continued to look up the vacant staircase before turning back to the ball. She fixed her face into the ease of a hostess, smiling at Lord and Lady Abernathy as they acknowledged her with a bow of their heads on their way to the hor d'oeuvres. Giving the steps one last glance, Lady Bridgerton walked towards the gathering disappearing into the crowd of her guests leaving Penelope back to her listening.
~
Eloise shut the door to her bedroom, turning and pressing her back against the oak wood. She leaned her head back and settled her hand on her chest to calm her breathing. Her heart was racing, mind reeling with endless thoughts. She gripped the pink diamond necklace wrapped around her neck and tugged at it until the clasp became undone, allowing the constraining piece of jewelry to collide with the ground. She could finally catch her breath as she pushed herself off the door and walked towards the expansive window seat across the way.
Lifting her skirts, she climbed onto the window seat and stared out onto the expansive gardens. They were her father's gardens maintained now by the estate gardener. The abundance of flourishing lilacs, pale assorted roses, pink silk peonies and white calla lilies bloomed prettily for all to enjoy. Her papa had planted the pink peonies for her, she remembered that. Her fingers settled against the windows as she relaxed against her pillows, as best she could in her half corset. Eloise wrapped her arms around herself, a brief comfort as she recalled a memory of her father in the garden, her papa.
"Papa!" Edmund Bridgerton was kneeled at his garden, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, as he planted the last lot of seedlings into the ground. He was able to pack the soil tight before he looked up in time to be tackled to the ground by Eloise, his six year old rambunctious little girl. He gave a hearty chuckle as she scrunched her nose and looked down at him, "Papa, you really mustn't let me win so easily." Edmund sat up and settled Eloise into his lap, "You took me by surprise. A true win for you my flower." Eloise tilted her head and tapped her chin in thought, "Very well if you say." She wrapped her tiny arms around her papa's neck.
"Eloise Bridgerton!" Eloise grimaced as she and Edmund both looked up towards the lofty balconies of Aubrey Hall to see Violet Bridgerton, ever the elegant lady, standing with her hands on her waist looking none to happy. Edmund grimaced as he set his eyes on Eloise, "Have you escaped your Mama?" Eloise looked into her Papa's blue eyes that matched her own and gave a slight shrug. "Eloisee," Edmund groaned as he cast his gaze over to Violet, who was clearly making all attempts to stay cross but a smile escaped her, "What is the misdeed my love?"
"It seems Eloise has escaped her piano forte lessons...again!" Edmund looked down at Eloise who chewed on her lower lip and looked away. "We'll be in shortly Love." Violet gave a knowing smirk before dropping her arms and turning back towards their home, "Very well, if you say!"
His eyes drifted down towards Eloise, "Eloise, you cannot continue escaping your lessons." Eloise allowed her lower lip to slip as she looked up, "I do not like the piano forte Papa, not like Francesca. Why must I learn it? I want to fence!" Edmund couldn't help but chuckle, "You want to fence?!" Eloise gave an enthusiastic nod as she stood from her Papa's lap and took a fencing stance, "Penelope and I are going to read Don Quixote and we're going to be knights! Knights do not need to learn the piano forte Papa." After giving a twirl with her make believe sword, Eloise slumped her shoulders dramatically, "Mama says I cannot be a knight because I am not a boy. She will not allow me fencing lessons like Collin. Girls can be Knights as well, can they not?" Edmund opened his arms for his well versed daughter. "It is not the norm of the ton my flower..." He saw Eloise look at him expectantly. Her piercing blue eyes brimming with excitement as she admired Edmund. He cleared his throat and smiled as he stroked his little girl's chubby cheeks, "Not the norm but you, Eloise Bridgerton, you can be anything you want to be. I do not foresee a challenge you cannot overcome in this life and your Papa will always be here to ensure you obtain all happiness." Eloise scrunched her nose again as she smiled, only for Edmund to tap her nose, "I will teach you fencing and I will even teach you to shoot. However, if I do these things, you must do something for me in return." Eloise looked up expectantly as Edmund points in the direction of where Lady Bridgerton stood, "You are to attend your piano forte lessons with your sisters." Giving the biggest sigh her six year old body could muster, Eloise smiled, "Very Well Papa." Edmund gave her a tickle, "If you say!" Eloise giggled before her eyes drifted to the flower patch, "Did you plant my flowers Papa?" Edmund nodded as he pointed out the 12 plots of neatly planted pink silk peonies, "I did indeed my flower just like you wanted." Eloise looked over, "The pink ones?"
"The pink ones indeed. They will always bloom for you my flower," Eloise smiled widely as she hugged Edmund around his neck, "Thank you Papa." Edmund stood up with his daughter in his arms, "Anything for my ladies! Now, let us go to your lessons before I find myself in quite the conundrum with your Mama."
Eloise felt a tear trickle down her cheek as she continued to stare off into the gardens. They held such warm memories for her, ones she shared with her dear Papa. It also held her darkest memory, one that haunts her to this day. Her dearest Papa overtaken by the sting of a bee before her eyes. Eloise squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to recall that memory. Instead, she tried to replace it with those where he was alive, breathing, and speaking with her. Her greatest protector he was. She often wondered how different life might be if her Papa was still with them.
Her eyes drifted off to the far left fields of the estates where Edmund's resting place could be found. She held herself a little tighter as she continued to look towards the fields. "I miss you dearly Papa." The tears that she truly tried to stop now streamed steadily.
~
Violet stood next to Daphne as they watched Anthony lead the eldest Sharma sister to the dance floor. Violet and Daphne shared a look; however, casting a gaze at Edwina's smiling face, one would think this was all part of her plan. Very well, Violet thought.
The couples began to glide effortlessly on the dance floor. The drift of the women's gowns painting the room in beautiful shades of pinks, white, and lilac. Violet made all attempts to maintain her watch ensuring all indulgences continued to flow and her guests needs were met; however, her every thought rested with Eloise. Her heart continued to pull her away from her ball towards her second eldest daughter. Surely, she's given her enough time on her own.
"Dearest?" Daphne tore her eyes from Anthony at Violet's call, "I'm feeling a little faint. Can you be watchful while I take some air upstairs?" Daphne placed her hand on her Mama's hand , "Of course Mama."
Violet gave her eldest daughter a smile as she walked away from the dance floor, up the staircase towards Eloise's bedroom. She held her hand over Eloise's door to knock, when a sound gave her pause. A sound so rare, it shattered Violet to the core knowing perhaps she was the cause. Eloise was crying behind her door and speaking to someone, she could not make out who...but her girl's tears were clear. Gripping the handle and turning it, Violet gently pushed open the door hearing Eloise's statement as she stared out the window, “Surely I would not be a disappointment to you as well Papa.”
Violet slowly stepped into her second borne daughter’s bedroom, unannounced…Violet grimaced to herself seeing fault in her entry. She closed the door behind her watching as Eloise sat herself up straighter in her seat and held herself tighter without shifting her gaze from the window. “My darling girl…”
When Eloise didn’t look in her direction, Violet tightened her lips and removed her gloves, twisting them in her hands. She cleared her throat and tilted her head trying to look Eloise in the eyes. “Eloise, your father was never disappointed in you, not a day in his life. You were his flower. Often, when he felt mischievous, he would seek you as his partner to play pranks upon the other children. He never found you to be disappointing my girl. Your father reveled in you.” Eloise tried to maintain her composure but couldn’t help the tears that continued to stream from her eyes. She closed them tightly. Eloise Bridgerton never let anyone see her cry but her mother was now in her hiding place.
Violet reached the edge of the window seat, “May I?” Violet gestured towards the seat, Eloise shifted closer to the window with a nod. Violet took a seat on the edge of the window seat facing Eloise. Slowly, she reached a hand up to Eloise’s left cheek, feeling the wetness there, she breathed out, “My girl…” Shuddering a breath, Eloise turned to face her mother who felt a pain in her chest at the red rimmed sparkling blue eyes gazing at her.
“He was never disappointed in you,” Violet whispered as she stroked away her daughter’s tears. Eloise couldn’t help but nestle into her mother’s hand, finding a small comfort in the warmth only to sigh, “I know. Papa understood me, loved me for me but he is no longer here to comfort me, to understand me. To tell me it is okay to be who I am. He isn’t here to help me through the season, to protect me.” Eloise tried to pull her mother’s hand away as more tears fell from her eyes but Violet wouldn’t allow it.
“Do not hide from me,” Violet whispered wanting to dampen the pain her daughter was in, to ingest it and free her from the ache. Eloise tried to blow away the tears before allowing her eyes to settle on Violet again, “I must Mama…you do not accept me.”
“What?” Violet’s brow furrowed with confusion, “Of course I do, you’re my daughter.” Eloise nodded slowly toying with the idea of ending this conversation with pleasantries as she always tried to do with her Mama, accepting her side to please her all the while bandaging her own armor as safeguard. She opened her mouth to do just that but Violet’s hand left her cheek and grabbed her hand. “Do not assuage me. I want to understand Eloise. Explain to me what it is that you are feeling.”
Eloise sighed deeply before shaking her head, “I do not…” Violet’s eyes shimmered with her own tears, “Please.” Looking into her mother’s eyes, Eloise could not deny her. She adjusted herself in the seat once more and looked out towards her father’s garden. “Do you remember when I told you I wanted to be a knight and learn to fence?” Violet’s brows furrowed as she nodded. Eloise smiled softly as she placed her hand on the window, “Papa told me I could be a knight…and he taught me to fence, he took me shooting as well. I can shoot better than my brothers.” Violet’s eyes widened, “That is what he took you off to do! I told him you were to practice the piano forte.” Eloise nodded, tilting her head, “I know because you didn’t believe I should be a knight, or fence…or shoot.”
“Eloise, those things were not what a lady was brought up to accomplish.” Eloise lifted her shoulders with a deep breath and released it, “But I did…me. I learned how to best my brothers in shooting competitions. I even bested Papa once.” Eloise looked down at her mother’s hand holding hers, “It may not have been what a young lady was meant to do but I learned it, I mastered it, and enjoyed it thoroughly. I detest the piano forte Mama but I learned it for you. However, no matter how hard I tried I was never quite good enough, perhaps even dreadful. Your eyes never sparkled for me as they did for Francesca.”
Violet squeezed her daughter’s hand tightly knowing that the best she could do in this moment was listen, “I walk into a room and immediately feel the disappointing glares of the ton. I am not perfect like Daphne. Her flower arrangements, her ability to command all the attention in the room, her sheer presence is everything anyone could hope for in a daughter. I am not beautiful and talented like Francesca, who can bring the Queen to applause. She truly is magnificent. I am also not desperately excited to wear feather’s in my hair and participate in the marriage mart like Hyacinth…and I know the moment I walk into a room, everyone knows this…” Eloise swallowed before looking into her mother’s eyes, “I see it in your eyes as well. I am the handful. You think I’m rebellious because I am simply me and see things differently. I enjoy reading, feeding my mind, intellectual conversations that make me think, and often challenging other’s thoughts with a little touch of humor.” Eloise shrugged her shoulders, “I’m different and I truly cannot be what I am not. It is suffocating to try...I have tried and I did so for you. Please know I love my sisters, very much so but I am not them.”
Eloise leaned back against the wall having spoken her feelings freely to her mother for the first time…and it was mildly exhausting. She looked at her mother who was biting her lower lip preventing a visible quiver from escaping. Violet brought Eloise’s hand up to her lips and kissed it, allowing a tear to slip from her eyes, “I…I am so sorry Eloise. I never saw what I was doing…” Eloise reached up and wiped her mother’s tear, “How could you? There are 8 of us.” She tried to alleviate her mother’s feelings with humor but Violet shook her head, “That is no excuse for me not to have seen this pain in my daughter. I was wrong Eloise, I was dreadfully wrong in my thinking that you would all go through these stages in your life just like the other. You are all brilliantly unique. My dear, you are stunning and so intelligent, you could challenge the thoughts of even the King…when he was at his best of course.” Eloise huffed out a laugh.
Violet leaned forward kissing Eloise’s forehead and pressing hers against her. “I am so sorry that I didn’t make more efforts to pause myself and see you, accept you…but know this now Eloise, I do accept you, I love you more than my own life. All I desire is your happiness in this life. For a long time, I thought that was to find each of you a love match as grand as I had with your father because it made me happy. Now I know, what made me happy may not be your path to happiness…but I am here to help you find it, in whatever way you allow me to. I will not push anymore suitors upon you this season.”
Eloise smiled at Violet with relief, her cheeks tinting the faintest hint of pink to her mother’s surprise, “Eloise?” Eloise gave a cough looked outside of the window, “You truly want to know everything don’t you?” Violet nodded, “I do not want you hiding anything from me, ever again.”
Eloise shrugged her shoulders and looked at her mother, “I believe I may have felt something close to.. possibly a semblance of … a pleasant kind of feeling, as it may pertain to someone of the …opposite sex, a boy.” Violet suddenly felt as though a horse and cart had just obstructed her path and near struck her as she blinked several times over. Eloise reached for her mother’s hand and squeezed it, “Mama?” Violet shook her head to regain her thoughts, “Dear, when you say a pleasant feeling…did he ever…” Eloise blinked, “He tried to kiss me but I did not allow it Mama.” Violet let out a sigh of relief as she began to release the near death grip she had on Eloise’s hand, “That’s all?” Eloise jerked her head back confused, “Is there more?” Violet groaned as she took a deep breath, “I think I’ve avoided all of this long enough. I’m going to go to my bedroom and change into my evening dress. I will send your maid to change you as well then I will return. You and I have a great deal more to discuss about us, as well as this boy and these feelings, and what more there is.” Eloise scrunched her nose, “Do I want to know?” Violet smiled at her daughter as she helped her off of the window seat, “I would say yes. Perhaps, I should have Daphne come as well. She could perhaps provide newer information.” Eloise’s eyes widened, “But what of the ball?” Violet shrugged as she walked towards the door, “Your brother’s can aide Ms. Wilson. I quite like the idea of having this conversation with you and your sister.”
Eloise raised her eyes to her mother’s and gave her a small smile. Violet paused at the door and turned towards Eloise, “Ask me again if you…about being a knight.”
Eloise bit her lower lip and tilted her head up to prevent the tears again, “Can I be a knight?” Violet gave a watery laugh, turning the door knob, “Yes, as long as you do not go off to battle.” Eloise scrunched her nose, “For your masquerade ball then?” Violet nodded, “Yes.”