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The air was warm in the rafters above the training room. Ahsoka could feel the beads of sweat forming on her forehead as she leaned over the railing, trying to get a better view of the figure down below. The sound of someone clearing their throat makes her swing her head to look behind her.
“It’s not polite to spy, Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan says with a tsk tsk of his tongue.
“It’s not exactly spying for two reasons. One, anyone could be up here watching. Training isn’t exactly a sacred ritual. And two, we both know that Anakin is aware of my watching. He’s putting on a show,” she finishes, turning back to watch, wishing she had brought some snacks. Obi-Wan moves to stand beside the young padawan.
Ahsoka watches him from the corner of her eye. Watches as he almost instantly becomes entranced by the delicate elegance of Anakin’s routine. (How someone that reckless, childish, and awkward could move so poised and gracefully she will never understand.) She can see the reflection of Anakin’s blue lightsaber in Obi-Wan’s eyes. The small smile of awe that appears on his face doesn’t escape her attention either. She watches him and doesn’t understand how nobody has noticed his feelings before. How could someone not see how utterly mesmerized the Jedi Master is with his former padawan? His love for that little shit is written plain as day across his face.
She breaks the gentle silence. “Are you ever going to tell him?” Obi-Wan’s trance is broken by Ahsoka’s inquisition. He doesn’t look over at her, but she can feel the tension begin to build in the air.
“Tell him what?” His eyes are still following Anakin’s every move.
“The truth.” Obi-Wan still doesn’t look at her, eyes still fixated on the boy below them, but his attention is elsewhere. His shoulders are tense and his facial features schooled in look that screams at Ahsoka to stop talking. She doesn’t of course. “He deserves to know, Master Kenobi.”
“The truth about what?” He asks.
‘Trying to play dumb are we? Not on my watch, you old grump.’
“The truth of how you feel about Anakin.You know he reciprecates your affections, yet you leave him feeling like he’s the only one. He feels like an outcast because he believes he is the only one who has normal feelings. He has resigned himself to quite harmful ways of repressing his emotions. Your own denial is making him try to be someone he is not!” What started off as a hushed whisper had gotten louder throughout Ahsoka’s rant, still not quite loud enough to catch Anakin’s attention over the “svroom svroom” of his lightsaber.
Obi-Wan doesn’t say anything for a few moments as the weight of her words settle in the air. Finally, he looks at her and she can see the tears building up in his eyes. She knows that he will never let them flow freely in front of her though.
“He needs to control his emotions. He knows this. It has nothing to do with me, it is just the way of the Jedi. He is a Jedi, emotions have no place in his life, he knows this,” Obi-Wan whispers.
It is supposed to be directed at Ahsoka, but if anyone else were around they would definitely think he was talking to himself. The Jedi Master must hear the desperation in his own voice, because he presses the heel of his hands onto his eyes and shakes his head. His back is rigidly straight when he looks back at the young girl in front of him.
Ahsoka can’t even begin to fathom how Obi-Wan is just going to let Anakin live like this. Let them both live like this. Just barely surviving off of “accidental” touches and glances that last just shred too long when the other isn’t looking. But Obi-Wan is looking at her with a such a deep sorrow in his eyes that makes her feel sorry for him. He’s drowning in his own inner turmoil.
“Just admit it. Just once. Say it,” she urges him. “Say it just this once. Tell me you love him.” The fierceness in her voice and the fire in her eyes would make anybody obey her. But Obi-Wan will protect those words with his life, deny them until the end of time.
The Master turns his head and watches as his former padawan wipes the sweat from his face before quickly getting back into the ring with one of the younger Jedi, training as if his life depended on it. (It will very soon, even if they don’t know it yet.)
Obi-Wan swallows against the lump in his throat, his adam's apple bobbing. The tears well up and he looks away when it becomes too much, choosing to look at the ground instead. His eyes clench together and he swipes his tongue against his lips before biting down on the bottom one, forcing it to stop trembling.
He takes a deep breath. And then another, before finally looking up at Ahsoka.
He still doesn’t say the words. He knows if he does then everything becomes real. Obi-Wan can not have that, because then, even his relentless denial won’t stop everything from coming out. From ruining everything.
What he does say is this.
“You can’t tell him. You can’t. Anakin can never know.”
Ahsoka says nothing, her face a hard, stoic expression.
“ Ahsoka , I mean it. You can never tell him. Is that understood?” There’s a slight tremble in his voice that makes Ahsoka realize how much this means to Obi-Wan.
“Yes, Master Kenobi. It’s understood,” she obliges, her voice stone cold. Obi-Wan looks at her and nods, a feeling of grim relief washing over him. He turns to leave, but after only two steps, Ahsoka is calling him back.
“Obi-Wan…” He stays facing towards the exit, but just barely turns his head to look in her direction. “This won’t stay a secret for long. Feelings that strong will slip between the cracks of any bars or wall put up to keep them at bay. And when it comes out…” She finally turns and looks at him. “It will be the end of him. Of you. It will kill you both, and probably take a few other casualties with it. And it will be your fault, when the Anakin you know burns to ashes from his heartache.”
Then, with one final look at Anakin’s beautiful, laughing face, and a heavy feeling of dread upon his shoulders, Obi-Wan Kenobi nods and walks away.