Chapter Text
“President Coin wants to talk with you.” I hear a nurse say. As if I care, I think, or maybe I say It out loud. Whatever, same difference. She probably needs me, no, she doesn't need me, she probably wants me to hear how the star team is doing, the team I was supposed to be in, in the Capitol, where Snow will die, will be killed. Not here, stuck in a hospital bed as if I can’t do anything, all because of Snow, he stole everything that I am again. I’m supposed to be strong and independent, now I’m dependent on Coin, if she decides I have to die I’ll be dead. I hate that thought more and more by the second. How could Snow steal what I am again, I need him dead, but I can’t kill him.
The medic says something else that I don’t quite catch and the soft voice makes me realize it’s Prim. She never gets mad at me, I hope she did. She’s meant to leave for the Capitol today too, leave me too. She will be closer to Snow than me, I stole that chance myself, now I have to pay for it, but she shouldn’t.
I think it’s crazy that a 13-year-old who hasn't even finished training is being sent to the middle of the war (and that I’m not). It reminds me of something, I can't quite think of what, not with the sweet morphling running through my veins. All I can think about is flowers in a fire, they seem so out of place.
“Johanna.” She repeats in a sweet tone that I don't deserve and that makes me think of a young katniss singing to the birds, like Peeta said when they were in that cave during their games, maybe it was another of their lies to get more sponsors, I’ve always wished I could know the truth. Prim told me about the promo Katniss recorded, the one in which she sang in a forest by 12, so I guess it’s true, but I’ve never seen it so I don’t know how Katniss sings. I have heard her talk to Prim, and by the soft and pure voice that she puts on I guess she must truly be a pretty good singer. Maybe I’m lucky I haven’t heard her, so I don’t let her make me stop for her too. I push that thought away. “I’ve been told it’s important.”
“I don’t care.” I say. It’s true, the only thing I seem to care about these days is to see Snow dead.
Prim sighs. “Ok.” Once again I'm reminded of how sweet she is. “Bye Johanna, I'm leaving.” She doesn’t see it as I do, I know that. She’s not leaving me, and it’s unfair of me to hold her up to it, but I can’t stop it, that’s something no one will steal from me, my unfair resentment for the sweet.
“I know.” I consider just leaving it at that, to not say goodbye back. Before I can decide on anything the door closes and she’s gone. I never get to say goodbye, whatever, it’s my own fault, I don't get to complain.
No one bothers me for the rest of the day, so whatever Coin wanted me for wasn't that important. Or maybe it’s me who isn’t that important.
There’s someone that’s supposed to come to my room to give me my dinner, but they never show up. I must be that unnecessary, Coin probably can’t wait to get rid of me, maybe that's what she wanted to tell me, that she would just leave me to starve because I wasn't useful for anything. It's the spite that makes me get out of bed on my own and search for the damn food, I'm not giving her the satisfaction of dying by my own fault. I’m meant to die young, I've always known that, but not like this.
I haven't gotten out of bed in days and my legs feel weak, they're shaky, what have I become, I'm not me anymore, this isn’t me. I hope I'll be able to pretend if I cross paths with someone, they already think I'm weak, I don’t need them to think even worse of me.
I manage to get out of my room and by the time I’m outside I’ve regained some of my stability. Or maybe I’m fooling myself, but if it’s good enough to make my brain believe it everyone else will too. That’s how it was in the games, I truly forgot that I was a capable person, killer, at some point, I had to shake myself awake from my own lies, knowing that I would be dead if I didn’t. A weird sound escapes my throat, victors truly never are anything else.
The hallways are emptier than usual, the gray walls seem colder, duller, if that’s possible. It’s weird that there’s no guard by the hospital doors, with all of us crazies in here. Although I'm the only one of us left, somehow, at some point, I’ve become the weakest. When they told me Peeta was being sent to the capitol to help out in the star team I realized I was. I couldn’t hold myself together. A shiver goes down my spine at the thought of the block test, yet another sign of weakness that needs to be corrected, immediately added to the mental list, which is getting too long for my liking.
The doors open easily, when they’re usually closed with a lock, I’m grateful they’re at least giving me the chance to find my dinner. Maybe this is a test, that would explain why there’s no one around.
There’s a long hallway and several flights of stairs between the hospital rooms and the dining area, where I guess everyone must be. You have to pass by some conference rooms and the room Coin uses for most of the battle planning, maybe she’s still expecting me to show up but I really don’t want to, so I won’t. I hope she doesn’t see me on my way to the diner, I would never get my food if she did.
So I slow my pace when I’m near this room, noticing the door half open, she must be in there, Haymitch and Bolts too, and I don’t want to make any noise that would alert them of my presence and give her a reason to rush me inside to scold me like a child, she hates me, well, she hates most of us but at least she finds some use to the rest, so in reality she despises me, I can’t blame her. I catch myself before I make any noise of annoyance at the mere thought of having to endure another of her lectures, at least I still remember how to go unnoticed, have the games to thank for that, or to blame, same difference.
I catch a glimpse of what seems to be a capitol channel through the crack of the door and I understand why the hallways were so empty when I hear Caesar Flickerman mention something about rebels and death, which makes me stop in my tracks. I don’t care about the dinner anymore, not when I see the faces of the star team on the screen, and snow celebrating their death. I feel like I’m about to be sick when I see Katniss’ face, followed by Finnick’s. This can't be true, they can’t be dead, they just can’t. Why does this keep happening? I let them get close to me, they can’t be dead too, they can’t. Not again.
I can’t stop myself from barging into the room, looking straight at the screen. “What the fuck happened?” My eyes turn to Coin without missing a beat, who has turned to look at me too, someone stops me from getting closer. “How did you let this happen?” I don’t know if I’m screaming at her now. I want to blame her, or Snow, both of them, but deep down I know it’s also my fault, I wasn’t there. Maybe if I was there I could have saved them. I can’t add more names to the list of people’s deaths that are mine to blame, this can’t be real.
“Johanna.” Haymitch is the one stopping me, I notice by the way he holds me in place, like someone who has had to do that to survive. I don’t look at him when he says my name, I don’t think I even realize it’s me who he’s calling, I can’t take my eyes off of Coin and how unaffected she is. Was she expecting this to happen? She seems just as eager as Snow to get rid of us victors. The thought makes me want to rip that look right off her face with my bare hands, and I would, I know I would, if Haymitch wasn’t the one holding me in place, it’s not like I don’t try to free myself, my nails have now drawn blood out of him, but he doesn’t let me go, this is nothing after all, I know he has suffered far worse pains.
“Johanna, you need to get out.” I finally tear my eyes from Coin and the screen behind her, showing Finnick’s face, to look at Haymitch. I can’t believe those words actually got out of his mouth, I can’t believe he’s expecting me to leave when I just found out the only two people that had managed to break past the walls I’ve built are dead, the two only people that I’ve managed to call friends, the two only people that I felt could understand me. When my brother is dead. I don’t cry, because I hardly feel sad anymore, instead I scream, I don’t even know what I’m saying and I know it’s not going to make a difference, but it’s the only thing I can manage to do. I scream and dig my nails deeper into Haymitch. Anyone watching this probably see just a crazy person, but yet again, only a couple people here understand what it is to have everything taken away from you, and get it taken away again. And only two understand me, but they’re not here, they just glare at me from the screen, a grim reminder that they won’t come back.
I should be dead. Instead of them.
If I’d just managed to get myself together I would have gone with them, and stop whatever it is that killed them. And if there had been nothing I could do to stop their death at least I could be dead with them, and I wouldn’t be alone again.
At some point I get taken out of the room, and I feel something liquid ran down my face, I know it can’t be tears, I only process my nose is bleeding when I see drops of blood on the floor. Did someone punch me to try to get me away? If that’s the truth I’m glad, at least I still have some strength in me, if they could only take me out by potentially breaking my nose.
Haymitch is by my side and he hands me a cloth handkerchief, I push his hand away and just let my nose bleed, maybe if it goes on for long enough I’ll die, then it would count as dying with them, even if my death is much more pathetic. Even if I’m much more pathetic.
I don’t know when I’ve come back to just think about me, my friends are dead and I’m thinking about me, truly pathetic. They deserved better, at least Finnick, he wanted it too, a life, I know Katniss wasn’t planning on coming back alive either way, that’s why I made her swear on her family and not herself, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t… hurt, I guess. I honestly don’t know how to feel, I don’t understand death how people normally do, it doesn’t make sense to me how someone can just be gone, it doesn’t make sense to me how my family was there when I left for the capitol but there was no sight of them when I came back, there were so many of them. And I failed them all, I failed my other brother too. Finnick could’ve had a good life with Annie, like Silas, I always saw Silas in Finnick, they were so alike, had so much life and hope despite of this world, they tried to show it to me too, the good in the world, the good in me. No matter how hard I proved I was rotten they insisted on finding a sweet center. Only they could do that, see me and still love me, only a brother could do that. No one can do that anymore. I am truly alone.
Haymitch has been talking about something but I can’t hear him. The bleeding has stopped though, so I guess I failed at that too. Not that it’s a surprise to anyone.
“What?” I snarl at him, I know e doesn’t deserve this attitude, it’s not his fault, even if he was involved too, but I can’t help the tone, it’s the only thing that’s still the same after so many years.
“I said.” He repeats, the way he’s treating me reminds me of how he treats katniss, how he treated her. I’m still refusing to admit how much she reminded me of the year after my family, when only her was left, I try not to think of how much katniss reminds me of her. And the next words Haymitch says makes me push those thoughts further down. “We don’t know if they’re dead, their bodies weren’t found.”
And I know no one in this fucked up non district is going to stop me from going to the capitol now.