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- Your kids decide to draw with chalk on the driveway and Billy can’t bring himself to hose it off (that is until it rains), so he parks his shitty Camry on the dirt instead to make sure it doesn’t get messed up
- He keeps a drawer full of their crafts/drawings, he does not have the heart to throw them out and probably never will
- One of the crafts is literally a bent paperclip colored with red marker
- Billy helps a lot in the garden and with the chickens, so the kids make him a set of “tools” out of paper and glue for him to use when he works (this made him cry)
- He sings badly for them to help them sleep and tells them bedtime stories in funny voices, he gets embarrassed when you overhear him [thank @xcherryerim on Tumblr for this one <3]
- When the kids are old enough, they eventually ask him about the burn on his face and he makes a different joke every time
- “Oh, I was riding my motorcycle and a monster that hates motorcycles attacked me! Don’t ride motorcycles unless daddy takes you, okay?”
- “Stop! You’re going to scare them, Billy!” “Okay, fine… So anyway, then a giant humanoid moth came out- ”
- “Daddy, you met mothman?!” “Yeah, I met mothman! Your parent was actually married to mothman when I met them.” “Billy!” “You have moth-baby sisters and brothers.” “Billy, I’m leaving you and I’m taking the kids.”
- The next day he makes mothman shaped pancakes, it becomes a running gag in the family
- He manages to find mothman costumes for the kids for Halloween that year, so there are a bunch of tiny mothman’s running around the house and neighborhood
- When you and Billy take them trick-or-treating that night, he has to (reluctantly) stop them from scaring the other kids on purpose (he is laughing the entire time)
- Billy absolutely takes advantage of the “candy tax” and eats some of their candy as he looks through it, much to their disappointment
- “I need to make sure there’s no poison!”
- “Aww man, that one was poisoned…”
- He pretends to collapse on the ground and scares the shit out of your children
- Once they realize he’s messing with them, they dogpile on him and he looks to you for help
- “I’m being crushed to death.” “Good, you deserve it.”
- Soon after, the kids pass out on the couch surrounded by candy and still in their mothman onesies where Billy carries them all to their beds and kisses their little chocolate-covered foreheads
- They definitely wake up sick the next morning from eating too much candy (he let them so you make him clean up after their mess)
- Circling back to his burn, he’s applying scar gel/treatment on his face and he explains to his kids that it helps his face heal and stops it from hurting
- They immediately start applying all of the cream to his face frantically and he lets them
- “If I put more on, it’ll stop hurting faster!” “That’s not how that works, my love.”
- “Daddy’s dying!” “No! It’s okay! I feel so much better now, baby, you helped so much!”
- Before you know it, the entire tube is gone and Billy’s face and neck smell entirely of aloe vera
- “I fixed daddy’s face!” “Hmm… I don’t know, I think it needs more lotion. The other half is still a little funny-looking.” “Hey!”
- Billy is folding the laundry and putting it away when he puts his own underwear on his head to make the kids laugh, soon they all put their clean underwear on their heads and take a selfie to send to you
- Billy is giving one of your babies a bath and he gives them a funny little soap beard to show you while giggling
- Very shortly after, the baby flicked soap into his eye
- “Babe, my eye burns now.” “Aww, just like the rest of your face…”
- One day, he takes the kids for a ride on his motorcycle (they were small enough to sit in front of him and he went at 5 mph up the street and back) and you got mad at him anyway
- To make up for it, you make him pamper you for the next week (more than he does normally somehow)
- Despite how terrified you were, your kid looked really cute in that big ass helmet
- When it snows, he dresses up the kids and plays with them, building snowmen and pouring snow down the back of your sweater (this gets him in trouble again)
- One time he threw a snowball at the back of one of your kids' heads, it was very small and mostly cushioned by the hood of their jacket but they went down face-first into the snow anyway
- He was trying so hard to hold back his laugh as he helped them back up
- He’s shoveling snow from the driveway one day and accidentally tosses some onto one of your toddlers
- He feels really bad until the kid laughs and he does it again
- Billy takes the kids to a community waterpark during the summer with his fake denim print swim trunks and they push him into the water
- They’re playing marco polo and he loses sight of them for a total of 3 seconds because they decided to hide under the lawn chairs (he cries when you and him go to bed that night)
- He also made sure the kids were absolutely slathered in sunblock when they went, but he forgot to put some on himself
- The burn on his face gets irritated because of this and it makes me a little grumpy for the next few days, which leads one of your kids to bring him a flower from your garden
- “It’ll make daddy’s red half feel better.”
- He keeps the flower in his wallet until it turns to dust
- One of your kids’ first words is your name, which kind of makes Billy jealous
- The same kid takes their first steps toward him later on and Billy brags about it for the next year
- Billy tries to quit smoking as soon as you start raising kids, but he still smokes outside sometimes when they’re not around
- One time, one of them catches him and he can’t think of a good explanation for what he’s doing
- “Oh, this? Uhh… it helps, um, with daddy’s… anger issues and stuff. It calms him down.”
- The next day, at breakfast, your kid turns to you worried and a little sad
- “Daddy turns into a dragon when he’s angry. Is he gonna eat me?”
- Billy immediately throws out his last pack and doesn’t touch a cigarette for a long time after that