Work Text:
All Lucy wanted to do was go home. Today had been emotionally taxing to say the least. Between a second near death experience, listening to Tim confess that he was still in love with her, Ridley’s more than normal–abnormal behavior at the hospital and subsequently finding out that one of her friend’s husbands was shot and in critical condition, nothing sounded better than a hot shower and her bed. Okay maybe one thing sounded better but she wasn’t going to let her mind go there.
As she turned the key in the lock she was grateful that for the first time in weeks she was going to be entering an empty apartment. Bailey had gone back to her and John’s place, Celina was still on shift and Rachel had upgraded from her couch to her own studio apartment. As much as she loved her friends, the thought of having to talk about anything that happened today exhausted her even more than she already was.
She entered the apartment and stood in her doorway, reflecting on the events of the day.
After being trapped in the wildfire, Lucy and Tim were rushed into the emergency room, getting set up in adjacent beds to be treated for excess smoke inhalation. All things considered they were pretty lucky.
The doctor worked on them simultaneously, surrounded by a flurry of hospital staff moving with practiced urgency. But just as quickly, the chaos faded, leaving them alone–side by side in their hospital beds, the silence settling around them.
Lucy fiddled with her phone, while Tim just laid still looking a little like death warmed up. She glanced over at him briefly wanting to speak but not sure where to find the words.
She looked between him and her lap and then removed her oxygen mask before speaking.
“Hey.” Her voice is soft, raspy, but it’s enough to get his attention. He turns his head toward her, eyes heavy with exhaustion.
“I thought we were going to die out there.”
Tim lets out a couple of small coughs. “Me too.” He removes his own oxygen mask and groans.
Lucy closes her eyes and puts her head back on the pillow. “Having an experience like that really crystallizes your priorities. It’s crazy.” She blinks a few times and can feel Tim’s eyes on her but she doesn’t look at him.
“Yeah, my priorities were already clear.” He says, giving a half smile and looking down. He watches her as she continues.
“I keep talking about it but I just have to–I have to get serious you know, I need to move forward… in my career.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I-I agree.” His voice is rough, gravelly, but she doesn’t miss the slight tremor in his words.
She glances over at him, catching an expression that leaves her somewhat confused. Its relief mixed with a little bit of hurt.
“You know, um I’ve been thinking about taking the sergeant’s exam.” Lucy told him with a smile on her face. It was a recent decision, one she’d made all on her own and she was hoping that he’d be happy for her.
As soon as the words had left her mouth, Tim looked back at her with a wide-eyed expression. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He gives her the smallest smile and her stomach does a somersault because she’s seen that look before. It’s one of pride. And something about knowing Tim was proud of her decision, made her feel giddy. Not that she’d show it outwardly.
He closes his eyes briefly and opens them again looking at her with something else in his gaze. A self-assured smirk. It was subtle but it was there. “Well, I mean, if you pass, then I wouldn’t be your supervisor anymore.”
The smirk grows and Lucy stares at him briefly, letting the weight of his statement wash over her.
She gives a small nod of realization. “That’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that.”
She had. Of course, the thought crossed her mind. When she first decided to take the exam, it was a fleeting consideration, but it hadn’t mattered– not then. They weren’t together anymore, so it wasn’t an issue.
\It wasn’t until Valentine’s Day–or more specifically, the day after–that she truly let herself dwell on it. Especially when Tim mentioned being in her chain of command in the elevator. But she didn’t want anyone thinking that she was only doing this so that she could be with Tim. She was doing this for her.
She’s pulled out of her thoughts when he speaks again. “I’ve got some excellent books on tape. I could, uh, help you study.” He offers. And she immediately catches on and once again her stomach flips because knowing that he’d kept the audio books she’d made for him when he was studying to become a sergeant makes her heart soar.
He smiles at her and she returns it this time but she has to look away. Suddenly shy, she needs to compose herself.
“Oh. Well the test isn’t for another few months, but it’s always good to get a head start.”
They stare at each other for a few moments but are interrupted by Seth walking through the door.
Lucy steps farther into her apartment, heading straight for her bedroom. Dropping her bag onto the floor, she sinks onto the edge of her bed. She had showered at the station before coming home, but she could still smell smoke in her hair. She knew she’d need another one, but right now, she needed a moment.
Her mind drifts back to Ridley’s squirrely behavior as he spoke to her and Tim in the hospital. Something about his story didn’t sit right with her and she knew when she looked at Tim that he was thinking the same thing.
As soon as he tried to deflect and tell Tim that it wasn’t necessary that he follow up because he’d put the fear of God in them, her alarm bells started going off. She’s not sure Seth had the gull to put the fear of God in an ant, let alone anyone at the National Weather Service.
After he scurried off under the pretense that Grey needed him back at the station, her and Tim had shared another look. One that told them, they’d talk more about this later.
Unfortunately, between being discharged and then watching as James was rushed into the emergency room with gunshot wounds… later never came. They stuck around the hospital for a little bit, offering their assistance in whatever way they could but both Grey and Angela berated them and told them to get back to the station, change out and go home.
Lucy pushed herself up and made her way to the bathroom, turning the shower on to the hottest setting before stripping off her clothes. As she stepped under the steaming water, a deep sigh escaped her, the tension in her body slowly melting away. This shower was already proving to be far more soothing–more effective–than the first.
She moved through her routine, but this time, she lingered. Scrubbing her skin more thoroughly, letting the heat seep into her muscles, and working extra shampoo through her hair, determined to rid herself of the stubborn scent of smoke.
She stayed under the spray a little bit longer than necessary but eventually shut everything off and stepped out. She continued with her bedtime routine and dressed in her pajamas. A small pair of cotton shorts and one of Tim’s old academy shirts. They never formally gave each other their stuff back. Doing so felt too final. She’d packed everything up into a box and put it in the back of her closet. But tonight she needed comfort so she lifted the lid of said box and pulled out the tshirt where it was resting on top.
She slips under the covers and lays there for a few minutes before grabbing her phone. She scrolls through her social media but everything is related to the wildfires so she shuts it off, plugs it in and lies down. She should be tired. After everything that happened today, she should have been asleep before her head even hit the pillow. However, sleep eludes her and she just stares at the ceiling. Once again, plagued with thoughts of everything that happened today. She has a brief thought to check in with Nyla to see how James is doing but she doesn’t want to bother her. Besides she knows Angela or Grey or someone would update everyone when there was any news.
She thought about texting or calling Genny to check on her and the boys and make sure they were okay after today but seeing that it was close to eleven, she knew they were all probably asleep.
Then she thinks about texting Tim. Today was a lot for both of them and a simple text to make sure he was doing okay couldn’t hurt right? She goes back and forth trying to talk herself into and out of it and somewhere between making her decision she succumbs to sleep, the text message going unsent.
She jolts awake minutes, hours later. She’s not sure until she looks at the clock and realizes it's only close to midnight. She’d only been asleep for about an hour. She doesn’t even remember falling asleep but that doesn’t do anything to help quell the fear and adrenaline coursing through her after the nightmare she’d just had.
She was back in the clearing with Tim, huddled beneath the fire blanket as the flames raged around them. They were arguing–when he looked at her and said, Of course I still love you.
But before she could respond, he started coughing uncontrollably, his body shaking with each ragged breath. Then, suddenly, he was silent.
Panic surged through her as she shook him, calling his name, but he didn’t respond. Frantic, she pressed her fingers to his neck, searching for a pulse–nothing. A sob tore from her throat as she clung to him, whispering, I love you too.
The fire crackled violently around them, swallowing the world in heat and chaos. And just as the flames seemed to close in, Lucy’s eyes flew open.
Her breathing was erratic, coming in short and uneven gasps. She could feel sweat dripping down her forehead as she stared into the darkness, her heart still racing from the lingering edges of the nightmare.
She longed for the strong comforting presence that used to lay behind her and would soothe her back to sleep after a nightmare but she was alone. Left with nothing but cold sheets and all of today’s reminders of just how precious and short life is.
She lies back against her pillows, trying to slow her breathing. She closes her eyes and hopes that she can go back to sleep. But in her empty field of vision all she can see is Tim’s lifeless body.
Before she registers what she’s doing, Lucy throws on a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt, grabs her purse and keys and is out the door. She’s on autopilot as she drives to Tim’s house. She just needs to see him. See that he’s okay with her own two eyes. She grimaces at the lateness of the hour and then again when she looks down and sees that she’s still in his shirt.
There’s a brief minute where she thinks about just turning around and calling him. But she knows she’ll never be able to get back to sleep without seeing him. So in a quick decision, she keeps driving but zips up her sweatshirt in hopes of hiding the garment underneath. After all, she's just going to knock on his door, make sure he’s okay, and then leave.
She pulls into Tim’s driveway only fifteen minutes after she’d left her apartment. The late hour doing wonders for the amount of traffic. When she pulls into what used to be her spot, she notices the living room light on. He’s still awake and that in itself brings on a set of new worries.
When she makes it up to the door without hearing Kojo bark, she figures the canine is either out cold or maybe with Genny and the boys. She takes a deep breath before knocking twice.
Tim answers the door and he’s in a pair of basketball shorts and nothing else. Lucy’s breath catches at the sight of his bare chest and for a moment she forgets why she’s there.
“Hey Luce. Are you okay?” Tim’s brows furrow and even distracted she can hear the sleepiness in his voice.
Lucy doesn’t speak for several minutes and has to tear her eyes away from his sculpted figure so that her brain can formulate words again.
“Luce?” Tim asks again. She finally registers her words and brings her gaze back to his face.
“What? Huh?” She shakes her head. “Oh yeah. I’m– are you okay?” She stumbles over her words and she can see him growing more concerned.
“I’m fine?” It comes out as a question and his forehead scrunches in the adorable way it does when he’s confused.
“Okay.” Lucy says and it comes out quiet. She looks down and shuffles her feet. “Sorry I bothered you. Goodnight.”
She turns on her heel but before she can make it to her car she hears his voice calling out. “Lucy, wait!”
She stops and turns, looking at him expectantly.
“Do you want to come in?” He asks somewhat shyly, like he doesn’t know if he has the right to want that.
Lucy wars with herself. Her original plan of knock, check and leave was starting to crumble before her. But, much the same as twenty minutes ago at her apartment, she’s moving before she even realizes what she’s doing and suddenly she’s standing inside his entryway watching him shut the door behind her.
He comes to stand in front of her, and an awkward silence falls between them.
“Kojo?” She asks, looking around hoping to break the ice.
“With Genny and the boys. After everything today, I thought they could use some extra protection.
Lucy nods in understanding. “Are they doing okay? I wanted to check in but—,”
“I think it’ll be awhile before Genny leaves the boys alone anywhere but other than that they’re okay.” Tim assures.
Another awkward silence settles between them, heavy and uncomfortable. They both shift, neither quite sure what to say.
Lucy hates it. She hates that this is what her relationship outside of work, with Tim, has become. It used to be so effortless, natural. And then–.
“You didn’t come here to talk about Genny and the boys or Kojo did you Lucy?” Tim asks.
Her head snaps up and she’s biting the inside of her cheek. Her face flushes and she looks away, shaking her head. “No. I-I didn’t.”
Tim studies her with concern, his expression softening. He wants to ask the real reason she showed up at his house a little after midnight, but he doesn’t want to push. He’s trying to find a balance between being there as a friend and being there as the person who knows her best in this world and it’s harder than he thought. Still, he can see something is bugging her.
“I–I, um, h-had a nightmare.” She says so quietly he almost didn’t hear her.
He slowly nods as realization dawns on him. “I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” He offers.
Lucy’s eyes well with tears as she remembers the contents of her nightmare and Tim’s lifeless body. No she doesn’t really want to talk about it but she did knock on his door after midnight so maybe it was the least she could do.
She nods, biting her lip and Tim waits quietly, giving her the space to open up.
“Uh…um, it was– we were back there, and you, um, you passed out. I couldn’t wake you up and then you didn’t have a pulse.” Lucy plays with her fingers, her gaze fixed on the floor, realizing they were still in his entryway.
Tim watches her and his heart breaks a little because he understands. In a moment of daring vulnerability he reaches for her hand and is surprised when she lets him hold it. He walks her to the couch where they sit down next to each other. It’s comfortable and familiar but usually he’d take her into his arms and whisper soothing, comforting words to calm her down as she drifted back to sleep. But right now, he had to live with the fact that he gave up that right and now had to comfort her differently.
“I’m right here Luce. I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He reassures her, placing a hand on her knee.
A soft sob escapes her, tears welling in her eyes once again. Her eyes are downcast and Tim desperately wants to pull her into his arms, to hold her close and tell her that everything would be okay.
“What do you need Lucy? What can I do?” He asks.
She shakes her head. It’s subtle but when she reaches for his hand, resting on her knee, he knew she was telling him that this was exactly what she needed. He let out a breath and turned his hand so that he could intertwine their fingers.
She played with them for a moment before glancing up at him and then glancing around.
It was for the first time since entering his space that Lucy really took stock of the room around her. She was in Tim Bradford’s house and things were in utter disarray. She looks around her and then at him and he’s wearing a confused expression.
“Wait. What were you doing up? We both needed rest–doctors’ orders, and Grey’s too.” She adds a playful lilt to her voice.
“Oh so you’re the only one allowed to be up at this hour?” He grins, teasing her right back.
She flushes but smiles and shakes her head. “No. I guess you’re right.”
He sighs and looks around his living room too. “No I was just— I couldn’t sleep so I figured I’d get a jump start on the insurance claim so I was just making note of what was missing and or damaged.”
Oh right.
She gives him a sympathetic look but doesn’t say anything.
“Can I ask you something?” Lucy finally says but her eyes once again, don’t quite meet Tim’s.
“Of course. Anything.”
“Today. Out there. I mean when we were… did you really mean it?” She glances up, catching a soft look on his face. “Or was it just because—,” she stops herself, unable to say the words.
Tim sighs and runs a hand down his face before looking at her again. He wears a genuine expression and it makes Lucy’s heart leap in her chest.
He grabs her hands and forces her to look him in the eyes. “Lucy. I need you to hear me…really hear what I’m about to say.”
She takes a deep breath but doesn’t look away. She mentally prepares herself for him to tell her that his declaration was just because of the fire and he thought they were going to die.
“I know you have no reason to believe me. Especially after what I did.” Tim starts.
She shakes her head because even if he didn’t always let her in, she didn’t think he would openly lie to her.
“But everything I said out there. Everything I said in the hospital about my priorities–I meant every single word. With absolute conviction. There is not a world where I don’t love you Lucy Chen. And I am so so sorry I ever made you doubt that. But you have to know that I didn’t break up with you because I stopped loving you. That’s not even possible. I broke up with you because I didn’t love myself and I didn’t want to drag you down with me. You deserve every ounce of happiness in the world Luce and I didn’t think I could give that to you.”
Tim watches Lucy's eyes well with tears at his speech and she blinks furiously trying not to let them fall but a few win out anyway. He reaches out to wipe away the ones on her cheeks and she leans into his touch.
“I was happy. I was so happy with you Tim.” Lucy says as she takes a shuddering breath. “Don’t you know you made me happier than I had ever been?”
Tim’s heart breaks at her words because he had been the happiest he’d ever been with her but there was a part of him that believed he wasn’t reciprocating that happiness for her.
He nods his head and decides to bare his truth to her. “Luce you made me the happiest I had ever been too. But there was this piece of me that truly believed that as happy as you made me, I was only making you miserable. I see now, though, through therapy and my support group…and this conversation that that’s not true. And that was one thing that London actually made me realize before shit hit the fan was that I was denying myself something I loved because I was punishing myself.”
“And now?” Lucy wonders.
At first Tim is confused by the question but then he understands. “And now… I’m starting to believe that love and pain can and will coexist. I just have to learn how to let both in and not let them tear me down, but make me stronger. And I’m trying. I really am. I’m trying to be better. For you. For me. For… us. If you never forgive me I understand but Lucy I meant what I said in the shop that day. You deserve someone who's worth the effort. And I hope that one day that can be me again. But today. I had to tell you because if that—if that was it, I needed you to know that my love for you never went away and it never will.”
Lucy took in his words and sat with them for a minute. She was processing everything and she didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
“I’m sorry.” She finally says.
Tim makes a soft noise and his face twists up in confusion before she continues. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it today.”
“Say what?” He asks but then shakes his head. “You did Luce.”
She shakes her head and continues. “I’m sorry I said it didn’t matter. Because it does Tim. Of course I still love you too but I was scared. Admitting it in that moment… it felt too final. Like a last goodbye. Like if I said it back it meant that we were giving up on getting out of there.”
Tim nods and squeezes her hands because he gets it.
“But…” she looks away again and bites her lip. “I was also scared that if I admitted I loved you too that all the walls I’d carefully crafted after you… after the parking lot, would crumble and nothing would ever get fixed.”
“What do you mean Luce?”
She closes her eyes, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “I just mean…if I said I never stopped loving you either…because, god, Tim, it’s true. I tried. I really did, and I’m sorry if that hurts you, but you broke my heart. I tried to stop loving you, but I couldn’t. No matter what I did. No matter how much I tried to act like I didn’t care. No matter how many times I told myself I was over it. All of that was a lie. I wanted to be angry at you, but I’ve seen the effort you’ve been putting in–the little things you’ve done. They haven’t gone unnoticed. And slowly, that anger faded. I’m not as angry anymore. But I don’t want to go back to how it was before, where nothing gets fixed. Because I– I still love you Tim. I love you so much. And I want–I want us to try again, but not if we’re just going to end up in the same place. Because I can’t go through that heartbreak again. I just… I can’t. I won’t survive it.
Lucy shudders and tries to retreat but Tim continues holding her hands and keeps his eyes on her.
His heart leaps when he hears her say she wants them to try again but he needs to focus. He stares at her for a few moments.
“Are you gonna say anything?” She presses after a few too many beats of silence.
“Sorry,” He laughs. “Just processing. I didn’t think we’d be having this conversation tonight.”
Lucy's face falls for a moment and he sees it so he’s quick to reassure her. “No. No Luce it’s okay. I wanted this. Trust me.”
She nods, biting the inside of her cheek.
“You really want us to try again?” He repeats her words, his voice low and uncertain.
She gives him a loving look before she’s maneuvering so that she can crawl into his arms. He eagerly accepts and they sit like that for a minute before she answers.
“If today taught me anything, it’s how fragile life is. Between what we went through and then watching James being wheeled into the emergency room it made me realize that I don’t want to waste anymore time. I love you Tim and I want to be with you.”
Her head is resting comfortably on his chest and he places a gentle kiss on her temple, before resting his cheek on her crown. His arms are wrapped around her protectively. One around her back resting close to her hip, the other pulling her leg over his own.
She turns briefly and rests her chin on his pecs to look up at him. “But I need to know this is real. I need to know that you won’t walk away from me again. If we do this. We’re all in. You’re it for me Tim”
He gazes down at her with some much warmth and love, it makes her chest ache. Leaning in, he gently brushes his lips against hers. It’s soft but full of meaning.
“You’re it for me too, baby,” he murmurs. “And I swear, I will never let you go again. Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and if you’re willing to give me a second chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you know just how much I love you–how much you mean to me.”
Lucy loses the battle with the tears in her eyes and she reaches up to kiss him again. Pouring everything that she’s feeling into that kiss.
“I love you so much,” She whispers, pulling back.
He rests his forehead against hers. “I love you more.”
A playful smile spreads across her face and she rolls her eyes but there’s no heat to it. A yawn escapes on its own accord and she looks at the front door.
Tim notices the slight movement and instinctively tightens his hold on her. He just got her back and he doesn’t want to let her go.
“Stay,” he whispers into her hair.
Lucy stiffens for a moment but relaxes just as quickly.
She doesn’t respond right away and Tim worries for a moment. He wouldn’t push her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with. If she really wanted to go home, he’d worry every second until she called or texted that she was safely at home. But a small part of him, a selfish part, hoped that she’d take him up on his offer.
“Okay.” She said simply.
“Really?”
“Did you miss the part where I said I don’t want to waste any more time?”
Tim chuckles, gently untangling them so they can stand. Taking her hand, he leads her his bedroom, which–luckily–had been mostly untouched by the looters.
“I think there might still be some of your sleep shorts in the drawer.” Tim says casually, slipping into the bathroom.
Lucy opens what had become her drawer and sure enough, all the clothes that she’d left at Tim’s were there. Neatly folded. He hadn’t gotten rid of anything either and something about made her heart happy.
She carefully slips out of her leggings and replaces them with the cotton shorts. She goes to unzip her sweatshirt, suddenly remembering she was wearing Tim’s old academy shirt. She contemplated slipping under the covers really quick so he couldn’t see and dealing with it in the morning but–.
“Luce?”
Busted.
“Yeah babe?” She asks.
“Is that my shirt?” He’s staring at her but a smile is tugging at his lips.
“Maybe.” Lucy giggles.
“How… Why…?” He shakes his head, then looks up at her with pure adoration in his eyes.
“I just needed comfort after today,” she says sheepishly. She climbs into her side of the bed. “It still smelled like you and I thought it would help me sleep.”
Tim gives her a fond look and joins her in the bed. He wraps himself around her and revels in the privilege of getting to hold her like this again.
“I should have known, nothing could beat the real thing,” Lucy murmurs, snuggling further into him.
He places a gentle kiss on her head and leaves his lips there for a moment.
“Goodnight Tim.” She whispers.
“Goodnight Lucy.”