Work Text:
Esha sat at her old desk at the De Riva Estate, her bones aching as she adjusted her weak grip on the pen. Her greying hair was frizzy, sticking out in all directions as she thought about what she wanted to write.
She was dying.
She had known for a while. The disease she had was not described in any books that any of the healers she and Davrin had gone to. It was physically eating away at her , she could feel it. And every day she got weaker and weaker. At this point she was already requiring a cane to walk even fifteen feet. She was only 68.
The Lighthouse had become too dangerous, even with all the modifications they had made over the years of living there and having kids over. So she and Davrin had relocated to the De Riva Manor, and Viago had allowed it, showing concern for her for the first time in a long time, it felt like.
She hated it, this feeling of helplessness at the prospect of death. She didn't want to go out like this, like a coward. So she had arranged with Kal a contract, as many Crows do. Esha herself had taken the contract of the prior Fifth Talon and her mentor, Lorenzo De Riva.
Esha refused to let the sickness take her in the next year or so. She would go out in the way she wanted to. She would have a whole day surrounded by family, friends, everyone. And then she would die.
But she wanted to leave a piece of her behind, for her siblings. Something to hold onto when she was no longer there to hold their hands. Something more than just what was in her will, something they could look at and feel she was there.
She decided on letters for Allona, Monello, and her much younger siblings, and a recording crystal for Kal, since he still couldn't read.
The letterstock sat in front of her, but all she had written in the last few hours was “dear,”. It was so hard to know what to write. How do you leave behind…yourself? She would have to try. She lifted the pen, her heart gripped with dread.
Dear Monello,
By the time you read this, I will be long gone. But do not be too upset, I may not believe in any god or gods, but I know there's a place that will be waiting for me.
You may not be my youngest sibling anymore, but you'll always be the baby to me. So please take care of yourself. You can't take care of Neve if you're too busy being ill yourself.
She paused. Did this…sound right? She sat the pen down and sighed, rubbing her face with her hands. She wanted to write less stiffly, as her family was going to read these. But she knew no other way. She lifted the pen again and put it to paper.
And speaking of Neve, thank her for me. Thank her for all the help she gave the Veilguard, for keeping my secrets, just everything. I'm so proud of you for finding someone like her to spend your life with.
When I die, there are a few boxes in mine and Davrin's room at the Lighthouse I will need you to retrieve. Each of them has one of your names on them, and I trust no one else to get them where they need to go. The contents inside mean a lot to me, so I hope they'll mean a lot to you all too.
Please look after Assan in Arlathan as often as you can, I'm sure he'll be heartbroken and not understand where I am. Oakley will do his best, but…he's not the best at keeping to a schedule. He's a wanderer.
Once as kids, we joked about what we would ask If we could have any wish in the world. I don't know what we wished for at the time, it was so long ago that the memories have faded into dust. But if I could amend that wish, I'd ask for just a little more time. My bones are so, so tired, Monello. I ache with every movement, but I can rest easily thanks to you and the others. I know you will take care of Davrin, should his calling not take him before these letters reach you.
Esha swiped at a few tears forming at the corners of her eyes. She was barely through the first letter!
Davrin…. She worried about him. He had been acting odd recently, distracted, and he wouldn't tell her why. Said he didn't want to worry Her. Too late.
He was probably down in the kitchen, getting her something to eat. It was too much if a hassle to do much these days beyond wander the upper halls and occasionally be carried to the library.
Her wrist was already starting to hurt, but she once again began to write.
I know I've never said it before, but you were always the best of us. Always goal oriented and working your hardest to achieve them. You didn't let anything get in the way. I always admired that. You were more fit to be the leader of the Veilguard than I ever was.
Be safe, my dear. Always look on the bright side, and keep that dedication close to your heart. You'll need it.
Sincerely, Esha Suledin De Riva
She stopped again. It felt so formal to end with both her surnames, but she wanted to stress both her own identity as well as her connection to her siblings.
She took a deep breath to try and steady herself. She would not cry right now, she had to finish the letters first.
Her hands were shaking worse than they usually did. She flipped Monello's letter over to the side, reaching for a fresh letterstock. Next was her sister.
Dear Allona Dellamorte,
Let me call you that one more time. I know it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but Illario has proven over and over that he deserves you, so I can't say much.
We both knew I'd be the first of us to go, but I doubt either of us realized it would be so soon. But that's not what I want to say. I wanted to say that I couldn't have asked for a better sister. I know some books will say all these things sisters should be, but they're wrong. A sister is someone you can go to about anything . A sister is a person who listens to you but tells you when you're being a little shit.
I doubt I would have realized I actually liked Davrin had it not been for your intervention. You changed the course of my life, and I would never wish to change that.
Esha pursed her lip, the tears coming faster as she blinked them away. Her heart was empty, she wanted to to crawl into a hole and never come out.
But she wanted to write these letters. She had to. It was important that she leave her siblings with something written in her own hand.
A few tear drops managed to escape, plopping onto the letter. She swiped at them, but it just spread the liquid further onto the page. Rubbing at her eyes, she sniffled, but continued writing.
You are everything I could have asked for in a sibling, and smarter than a whip. I sometimes wonder, if I'd publicly supported you and Illario's relationship, would it have turned out differently? Would he have attempted that hare-brained scheme? But now is not the time for regrets.
Monello will have a box for you soon. It has some of my favorite jewelry and my best crocheting supplies. But there's also a few surprises in there that I can only entrust to you. Please take good care of them.
And please, please take care of yourself, Allona. I know you have issues with that. Also, you know the drill. Take care of Kal.
With best of wishes, Esha Suledin De Riva
Tears streamed down her face as she laid the letter to the side and buried her face in her hands. She was not keeping it together like she wanted to, but all that was left was the recording crystal for Kal.
Standing up, she wobbled over to the table where she kept it. Her bones popped and ached under the sheer weight of standing up. She lifted the crystal. Normally, it would be magic to be activated, but Kal had placed a sigil on it for her so all she had to do was swipe the surface.
As the crystal hummed to life, she leaned it against the table and stepped back a few paces so she was fully in view.
“Kalias De Riva…” She started. “My crazy younger brother. I remember the day you came to the manor. I thought to myself ‘I could never get along with this kid, he's insane!’ But you aren't insane. You are brilliant in a way no one else can understand outside of a few of us. You have a method to the madness, and I love that.”
Her throat seized, but she continued. “I wish that I had been around more those early days of the Murder. Once a week was not enough to get to know them. I regret not spending more time with you, and I know you already know that. I also know that you know, that you were the greatest force of nature in my life. You never let anything stop you. I wish I could have been like that.” she stumbled a bit, catching herself with her cane as she breathed deeply again.
“Take care of yourself. I say this, but I know you won't. Allona will have to do it, just as she always does. And when she's long gone, I suspect Oakley shall do it. You're both…the luckiest and unluckiest man in Thedas, Kal. To live forever, to see the world change. To watch the rising and falling tide for eternity. I sometimes wish I could have that.”
She paused, looking at the ground. “And yet… It can be a curse. To watch those around you fall victim to the enemy that is time. To watch castles crumble and fall away into the sea. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone my son or you. So I hope you will take care of each other. And Lucanis? Since I know you'll be seeing this, thank you for taking care of Kal this long. Human bodies can be frail.” She gestured to herself. “So take care of him just a little while longer for me, okay?”
The crystal shimmered, indicating she was almost out of time. She thought about what she wanted to say next, but nothing came. She had debated writing it down before recording, but she hadn't wanted it to sound so…clinical or recited.
There was a knock at the door.
She turned, as quickly as her frail body allowed, to see Viago entering with a tray. She had expected Davrin, but it was always nice seeing him as well.
“Viago.” She greeted, glancing at the crystal. “Can this wait?” She used her cane to balance herself before she stumbled again.
But Viago looked at her, pained. “It's been a while since you've eaten.” He said matter-of-factly.
Esha shrugged. “What's the point?”
“The point is, why make your last days miserable?” He scowled and brought the tray in, sitting it at her desk. “How do you feel?”
“Like shit.” She replied just as frankly. “My heart is barely keeping up at this rate.”
Viago frowned and motioned to the tray. “Eat.” He was using that commanding tone, the one she was used to since her childhood. It didn't work on her anymore.
But she looked at the tray regardless. There was some soup and bread, which all looked unappetizing, but there was something there she didn't expect. An apple, sloppily pre-cut.
“Did you cut this?” She inspected it closer. There was no way Davrin or a chef did that, and while Viago was an expert on blades, he had gotten a bit sloppy at his age.
Viago scoffed. “No.”
“Thank you.” Esha pulled him into a hug, and to her surprise, Viago returned it, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing. “I'll eat it.”
He nodded, releasing her. “Good.” He looked around. “You should turn some lamps on, it's too dark in here.”
She just chuckled, looking pitifully at him. “The light hurts my eyes. Now, go.” She turned him around and pushed at his back lightly. “I have something I need to finish up.”
Viago grumbled something inaudible and disappeared around the corner.
Esha smoothed out her dress and resumed her position. “Sorry about that, Kal. Now where were we? Ah yes.” She pressed her fingers together. “Don't let the years kill you, Kal. Be strong so others have a beacon to look forward to. That is my only ask of you, and please-”
The crystal's glow disappeared. It was out of time.
“Damn.” She mumbled. It had cut out right as she was about to say something. “Well… It's not important. He'll get the box from Monello eventually anyway.”
She didn't even notice she had started crying again until a big fat drop landed on her hand. She looked in the mirror, and found she was a mess. She hadn't had the energy to fix herself up.
Another knock at the door. Davrin came in a moment later, carrying a steaming cup.
“I heard Viago got you food, so I brought you some coffee.”
Esha smiled and did her best to go over to him and take the cup. It was pleasantly hot, the warmth spread through her, and she sighed, pleased. “Thank you, love.”
Davrin looked around, noticing the letters on the desk and the crystal on the bureau.
“Did you get done what you needed to?”
Esha hummed, smiling. She was afraid of dying, sure. But she was surrounded by loved ones, and she would go out the way she wanted.
This was okay. She would be okay.