Chapter Text
Okay, look. I know I’m not good at holding my stress or anything like that. I get mad, I know. “Rather explosive,” if you wanna get all descriptive like Yuri does. But I swear I’m not just… harsh without reason, man.
You probably don’t even need the explanation here, but I’ll give you it anyway, just as a backup for something. I didn’t exactly have the best home - I shouldn’t even call it that, actually; the best living space - as a kid. I mean, I still don’t, but you get my point. Anyway… I got used to it, to a limit. Toughened up, I guess you could say. At least, as much as some scrawny, dumb twelve year-old could. After a few years, I could yell back. Papa hates it, it only makes him even more mad, but… It’s better than having him throw those stupid glass bottles from a revived, long-dead habit.
When he tries, I can just… go. Like… run, I mean. Hide. I’m a lot smaller than he is, and there’s no way I’m going to fistfight him, even if it’s tempting from time to time. But being raised like this, it’s… hard.
I slowly learned to treat everyone like they’d hurt me. Keep myself guarded, make others keep their distance. I learned that works best when you act all brutish and blunt, or, in other words, rude and hostile. Like a bomb with a broken timer, always at three seconds left until it explodes.
…
Maybe that’s where Yuri got the “rather explosive” thing from.
…
Whatever. That doesn’t matter.
I mean, think about it: you grow up in a place that’s supposed to be your safe zone, instead constantly worrying what’s going to happen to you after school. The one of two people who are supposed to love you regardless of anything, and the one you live with can’t even be bothered to keep the living room clean from broken glass in the carpet.
So I joined this stupid club. Well- Actually- No, it’s not stupid anymore, but I definitely thought it was when I joined forever ago. Honestly? …this club means a lot to me now. But in the beginning, I only joined it to have an excuse to stay away from Papa, to stay somewhere safe after school. To not go home.
But then these three girls started growing on me. Getting me to loosen up, slowly taking my walls down, brick by brick. Letting me express my interests, my passions… The things Papa never let me. Monika lets me keep my manga collection in the supply closet, even if she moves the box too high for me to reach sometimes. Yuri… well… she and I fight, yeah. She’s always forgiving, though, and tells me that I’m just “releasing built-up emotion in the only way you know possible.” And then there’s Sayori.
She’s been doing her best to help me find a way to deal with all that stuff. Right now, she and I are in the clubroom, sitting at two of the desks in the back of the room, side by side, and talking. She asked Monika about a week ago if the two of us could start closing up the clubroom after the meetings, to which Monika agreed. When I said Papa would get angry if I’m home past curfew, Sayori said she’d walk me home every day and apologize to him, explaining she’s the Vice President and needed assistance with planning for the festival. It’s been working for the most part, considering the most reaction he’s been giving me has been a heavy sigh and telling me to go to my room or make something for myself to eat. So that’s good.
Sayori started doing this, though, because she’s really wanting to help me deal with all this feeling stuff. “It’s not good for you to keep this all bottled up till the glass breaks!,” she keeps telling me, which I tell her, “Sayori, you really can’t be talking,” in return. We kinda bonded over it. She’s been trying to give me little “assignments,” coping things to try that night and come back to update her on it. How it went, how it felt…
Yesterday, the “assignment” was to start a journal. Notebook, diary, whatever you wanna call it. I told her I tried that before, only ending in Papa finding it, reading through every single page of my heart poured out onto paper, and ripped each one out afterwards, tearing them to shreds and burning them to bits. She thought about it, trying to find an alternative.
“Well… it doesn't have to be a solid notebook-? I mean, it could be the backs of assignments or scrap paper you have lying around! Just a place to write out how you’re feeling, like a poem without all the brainstorming on how to word it or make it make sense?”
…huh.
“Sooo, how did it go? The writ-”
“Yeah, yeah. Uh… I only got frustrated and angry.”
Sayori gave me a look that I don’t even know how to explain, but she looked like she was asking me to keep talking with her eyes. It was always really weird when she did that - or when anyone did that, for that matter - but I kept going.
“I kept messing up spelling and the order of stuff I was writing, but I couldn’t erase it because my dumbass decided to write in pen, so the paper just has all the ugly scribbled-out words every few words, and it irritated me. So I quit writing.”
“...can I see?”
…what?
“You wanna see the absolute flaming trash I wrote while trying to work out my feelings? Yeah, I don’t think so. What’s next on your… fuckin’... growing list of homework?”
She laughed - though, it looked really forced, like she was nervous - faking an offended look and dramatic gasp before answering.
“So… uh… did you check out that link I sent you the other day?”
Oh. Shit, I forgot. Sayori had sent me some kind of link on Monday, asking me to check it out and tell her if I was interested, but I completely forgot about it, marking it as read and never actually getting back to it. Now it’s Friday, and I still hadn’t clicked it to read up on it, considering it looked like an article of some kind. I considered just playing it off, like saying I fell asleep or something, but that’s for a short-term excuse. What am I gonna say, “Sorry, I took a nap for a week?” What?
“Nah, I definitely didn’t. I, uh… swiped the text away and thought I’d get to it later. …I did not, in fact, get to it later.”
Y’know what, sure, that works. Just tell the truth, I guess.
I thought that’d help relieve some of her awkward expression, but… why’s she still looking at me like I’m making her confess her math grade? This girl can’t do numbers, we both know that, but that’s besides the point.
“What? Why? Was it, like… important or something?”
“I- Not really- I just thought it could help? You, I mean! NotthatI’msayingyouneedhelp-”
“Okay, Sayori, get your words in order.”
I watched her sink into her chair a little bit, shutting her eyes and sorting her thoughts. This was always weird, too. I mean, loudmouth of the Literature Club, shut into silence and completely focused on her mind? Weird. I guess I… could pull it up on my phone, right-? Would that… make her feel a little more at ease? It’s not like it can be that bad, right?
So, that’s what I settled on. I pulled my phone from my schoolbag silently, opening it quickly and finding the message she’d sent, clicking the link.
…huh.
The website is all cutesy, pink with some really soft-looking gifs scattering the page. Some links, they’re underlined…
“...Choose a gif or press the arrow to explain what… age…’ What?”
Sayori’s eyes didn’t open, not even a little, as I read the first page out loud.
“It’s, uh… Just keep reading. I thought it would be… good. Helpful? Something that could help you.”
“...you’re really weird, I hope you know that.”
Just press one of these things, I can do that. For such a simple website, Sayori here seems a lot more nervous than someone would expect, which is… strange. She’s not ever usually one to be nervous or embarrassed, especially considering some of the things she just says unprompted during our meetings. Like the time she went way too far into detail over this fanfiction she was reading while talking to Yuri. Pfft, that girl looked traumatized while Sayori had no shame…
I’m getting off track.
Just click one. Clicking the first one only seems right… right? Yeah.
“...’Age regression is when someone reverts to a younger st… ate… of mi-’ Sayori, I’m not a kid, how does this-”
“Just keep reading! I’ll explain everything when you’re done, I promise I have a logical reason!”
According to Sayori, “logical reason” could mean so many illogical things, but okay, whatever.
“Fine. …’a few years younger…early childhood, even-’ A baby?!”
“Keep reading!”
How is this girl somehow more embarrassed than before? I thought it couldn’t get too much worse, but she somehow managed to get redder in the face, squeezing her eyes shut.
“‘...coping mecha-thing for things like PTSD, depression, anxiety… provides a safe space…’”
Y’know what, reading this out loud feels… dumb. Basically, the more I’m reading, the more I’m figuring out what this is, and- I mean, I get it, obviously, but why is Sayori trying to get me to read this? There’s no way she wants me to-
“I just thought- Y’know, with all the stuff with, um… your dad… as a kid, this could let you actually kinda have a childhood? Andyoutotallycansayno, I just… uh… yeah.”
“...you’re really weird.”
The conversation is weirdly tense, but somehow also like every other we’ve had. The more I read, the more I’m figuring this out. ‘Let you actually kinda have a childhood,’ huh… I mean, I knew Sayori’s a sweetheart - Monika’s words, but whatever - always looking after her friends, but this is…
“‘Nothing to do with pedophi-’ Ew, people think that?!”
“Yeah, a lot…”
"What the fuck?! That’s- …what the fuck?!”
“Ahaha! Yeahhh, people are gross.”
“Obviously. …so…”
The air grew thick between the two of us. Why is this a… Something Sayori thinks… God, now I’ve got my words mixed up, jesus christ…
It’s not like I’m a kid! I don’t get why this is coming up! I guess I like some kid stuff here and there, but in my defense, plushies aren’t just for kids, okay? And I’m allowed to like cute stuff, that doesn’t make me a child!
“...would you wanna try?”
“Sayori, I’m not-”
“Nats, I’m not calling you a kid. …well… okay, I kinda am… But I don’t mean it in a bad way! I mean it in a healthy way! Like- I do it!”
“You do this?”
“If it makes you more comfortable, I’ll be open about it! It helps me if I’m stressed from school and stuff! Just, like… laying back, putting on my comfiest pair of pajamas, turning on some cartoons and coloring… It’s harmless! And if you want me to, I can help ease you into it! It doesn’t have to be now, and it doesn’t have to be all at once!”
Sayori droned on, and the more she spoke, the more this just felt… Okay, I know I keep using this word, but all I can think of is “weird.” How would I even manage to do thi-
Briiing!
…Oh, we’re out of time. It’s 6 o’clock already…?
“Hey, don’t stress it too much tonight, okay? We can… come back to this, if you want, some other time. Maybe next week? Just… think it over during the weekend if it’s something you’re interested in.”
I’m not… the idea is… something, I guess.