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“It… didn’t mean anything.”
The words left her mouth in a quiet whisper, the opposite of how much she had yelled and argued during the class trial and its aftermath. By then tears were freely flowing, her destiny sealed, her lie exposed.
Yet the same could not be said of her truest emotions.
Her heart beat at triple, quadruple speed. The roaring of blood in her ears was almost deafening, the fear that gripped her more foreboding than the terrible, accusatory stares of the other fourteen students. Of course, the ones that weighed the heaviest on her were Damon’s…
And Diana’s.
Eva had known that the other girl would confront her. That she couldn’t meet her demise, whatever Tozu had prepared as her punishment, without going through that final moment of pain. An ache that stabbed at her chest, enveloping her with crimson threads of despair that only augmented every sad, dark and twisted feeling that had led her to do what had already been done.
And now recollections of better times surrounded her, enhanced those awful sensations to the point that her chest kindled with them.
Every touch had been torturous.
Every smile had burned within her.
Every embrace…
Memory alone consumed Eva. It had done so as soon as she had allowed Diana (and also Damon) to get closer to her, to shed some of her light and optimism and blinding presence upon her gloomy existence. At some moments she had even let herself believe that things would be okay. That she could get through that, find her way out of that situation without resorting to anything else at all.
Reality had been quick to remind the mathematician that it wouldn’t be so, however. That it wasn’t as if she were a part of the group to begin with. The other students’ laughter, the judging stares and unkind words—they would echo within her mind, her heart, her very soul. Fragments of what she had already gone through during her entire life, the never ending loop of hatred and scorn that seemed to follow her everywhere.
Diana’s love and Damon’s care hadn’t been enough to silence those. To reach Eva when she had already fallen deep enough, that she believed there was no way out.
And yet…
And yet, guilt also burned within her as she stood standing at the podium while others scrutinized her with even more hate. When Diana’s eyes, once bright magenta and kind, were dark and twisted by fear and sadness as soon as they fell upon her.
When her words weren’t altogether harsh, despite how everyone else treated the mathlete’s confession.
When Damon’s voice had been tinged with regret instead of deceit or anger when accusing her, not too long ago.
Hence, an idea came to mind in response to what she saw and heard. To the forlorn glance she received from Diana, the one she couldn’t hold. To the sadness in Damon’s words as soon as he spoke to her again.
To the emotions that still beat inside her fragmented heart, that ebbed and flowed within her right there. And she clung to it, hoping against dying hope that it would work.
That the cosmetologist wouldn’t see through her final lie. That the debater wouldn’t unveil what she would try to pass as the ultimate truth.
She barely heard what Diana was saying, the question she asked in a broken voice. That alone was enough to shatter Eva, to make her wonder if things couldn’t have been different. How everything would have played out if they were in an entirely different situation.
If her soul and heart hadn’t already been covered with lifelong, barely healed scars.
“Y-yeah… and you deserved it.”
The way that made Diana almost fall to her knees on the podium… her final blow. The last lie.
Hate me , Eva willed with all her might, the one lingering thought that moved her forward. Hate me, hate me, for everything that is worth… Hate me .
If she could accomplish at least that… then perhaps things would be easier moving on.
The tears on her eyes as Tozu declared that the time for chitchatting was over were as much for her as they were for the two who had offered her love in such terrible times. The two people who had cared, who had dared to look beyond the stereotype of her label, her horrible talent.
The two she wished would forget her and soon, after everything that had transpired. After her inability to believe in them.
Diana, Damon. Don’t forgive me.
Hate me instead.
Her last thoughts, the prayer she lifted to the dark underground ceiling painted crimson by the flames below her, were quickly burned and snuffed out just like everything else.
It was agony to return to the school grounds once that ordeal was over.
Sure, people had been shaken by the mock trial itself, the revelation that they were supposed to do something similar if they wished to live and leave the academy. It had been one thing to wonder what and if that would happen, however, and another altogether to live through that hell.
To discover one of their own, lifeless, and know they had been murdered.
To have to find out who among them had been marked as the blackened.
To accuse them and ultimately… to witness their execution as well.
That the person who was behind all of that had been Eva herself just added more despair to the entire matter.
Once again Damon was the last to get out of the trial grounds. His mind was far afield, his heart still pounding with a mixture of sadness and guilt over what had transpired. Despite the fact that pointing out the culprit had been paramount in order to guarantee everyone’s survival, the entire issue had left a bad taste in the back of his mouth.
Having to hear everyone’s considerations over what Eva had told them at the end, the pain she had endured and the hopelessness she had long succumbed to… just made everything worse.
Holding his head between both hands, he made his way through the empty courtyard and pondered over what to do next. Although it was night time, sleep eluded him and would continue to do so for the rest of the evening, he knew. Memories clouded his mind, tortured his very step. What-ifs and whys echoed his very heartbeat, making him stop smack in the middle of the place so that he could try and get his act together.
What had been missing?
What could have been done differently?
If only Damon had been more willing to defend her from the others, from Wolfgang… at the time it hadn’t made sense and in a way, it still didn’t: what good would Eva get from having someone who was also shunned from the group speaking up for her? It barely had any effect when Diana herself did it, so surely his own voice would be drowned by the crowd, the imagery they constructed of her as days went by.
Sure, her own stance towards the group hadn’t helped. Her words and acts, dubious and mysterious, were catalysts to a much bigger problem, or at least that was how he saw it. And her logic towards it wasn’t that much clear all in all, but in the end…
Wasn’t it easy to see that perhaps those actions had been spurned from emotion and not reason altogether?
Thinking too much about it wouldn’t change anything and he knew. Long gone was the opportunity to make a change, to stop something that tragic from happening. From losing two classmates in a singular day and to see grief etched in so many faces and hearts.
To have his own heart aching for someone he had barely gotten to know, but that had intrigued him so.
With a wave of his head and a sigh, Damon decided he couldn’t face Kai. Not when the Ultimate Influencer had been so keen to laugh and say terrible things about the mathlete just due to the nature of her talent. Spending a night in his own room wouldn’t be that dangerous—everyone was shaken and the chance for another murder to occur that soon was quite low.
Feet dragging on the floor as he opened the ornate door to the main building, Damon made his way to the dorm room with his name on it and pushed open. But not without casting a final glance to the two doors standing close to the end of the hallway, where the names Diana Venicia and Eva Tsunaka were beautifully written on their plaques.
Later. He would deal with the need for closure after spending some time trying to rationalize it all.
The following day, however, didn’t offer that much respite.
If before there were meetings held in the dining hall over breakfast, nothing of the sort occurred. Yes, Diana tried her best to host one, regaling everyone with kind smiles as she asked them to attend. Yet aside from her the place was empty at the appointed time.
Damon himself had had no intention of going and simply peeked through the open door, heart aching the moment he saw the girl standing there by herself, wiping tears from her eyes. It was then that he noticed she was holding something… something black and small, not too easily seen from that distance. But it seemed important given the care with which Diana regarded the object from time to time.
A part of him wanted to intervene, to move forward and offer her support. Yet how could he do so when his own thoughts were gloomy and tortured, not a single kind word coming to mind right there? After shutting his eyes against that terrible, sorry sight he walked away, back to the empty room that waited for him.
Back to bed, where sleep would come and go, delivering terrible nightmares as a result.
Lying down was no good. Thinking about interacting with someone, anyone, was enough to give him a headache. Just trying to deal with everything that was going on through his mind while closed in his room didn’t help either.
After what felt like half the day was spent in that manner, Damon gave up figuring out what to do with himself. His thoughts had no rhyme or reason, mind jumping from disconnected ideas that couldn’t be weaved into a singular, meaningful sentence. More than once he had glanced at the full length mirror in his room and wondered if it was time for him to use it, to try and argue with…
Argue what, with himself? If he wasn’t making any sense without opening his mouth, in which way would that exercise be helpful?
Feeling caged, he jumped to his feet and let them guide him throughout the school. Since judging his thoughts and actions didn’t solve the issue, he allowed himself to just be. Although that wasn’t his approach at all, to let emotion take the reins of his entire being, perhaps the uncanny situation called for something like that.
The moment he turned around and instead of going to the courtyard or the other building, Damon made his way to Eva’s room, he had an inkling of what it was that he wished for.
Closure. Something, anything, that could evoke her presence for one more time.
After all, what kept getting to him were her final words. How much pain had been laced together in her voice, the way they were directed at Diana. At him, too, when their gazes met before the execution could begin. He knew that his eyes had been cold, detached, emeralds darkened by what she had just said.
His heart, uncomfortably thudding against his chest due to her treason, her lack of empathy for Diana, her…
The hatred that weighted her voice and her words, but didn’t seem to be directed at anyone in particular.
No, none of that made any sense. So, why…?
Sighing, he tested the doorknob just to see if out of spite, Tozu had decided to lock the rooms whose previous occupants were no longer alive. Relieved when it easily turned, Damon took one deep breath before pushing the door open, lost in thoughts and memories, in recollections of what had transpired.
Had he imagined it? Had Eva really said that, or was his mind making everything about the trial several times worse just so—
“O-oh. I uh, I didn’t think anyone else would… come here.”
The sweet, forlorn voice woke Damon up from his latest reverie. Without him noticing he had taken a few steps inside the cold, lifeless room. The purple carpet and white wallpaper seemed to fit its previous owner, with books that actually looked like books lining shelves to the right and the left. In front of the black leather couch there was a small side table, filled with more books, pens and sheets of paper, as well as some objects he had never seen before. Aside from it there wasn’t much in the whole entourage that screamed “mathlete” to him, but perhaps that was the case with some of the rooms at that school.
No, the one element that stood out, that still seemed too bright for that place despite how saddened she was… was Diana Venicia herself.
The girl was sitting over the neatly done bed. Her legs were crossed underneath her and at the moment there was a small smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes. Her upper body was turned towards the door just because Damon had walked in, but it was clear to see that she had been scrutinizing the wardrobes in the opposite wall beforehand.
And that her magenta irises still shone with leftover tears, even though she tried her best to wipe them away without it being too obvious.
“I… just needed to clear my head.” Damon stated as he approached, realizing that Diana was still staring at her. “And everywhere else feels too cluttered, too much.”
“Ah. I get it.” The girl pressed her lips on a thin line, elbows resting on her knees. “And it doesn’t seem like most people would relate to what we’re going through, does it?”
For how carefree and trusting she had been just a few days ago, it was very jarring to hear that coming from her.
But then, everything about Diana was a bit… changed. Yes, she did say she would adapt just like a chameleon, vowing to become their next leader and actually attempting to. Even so, it was one thing to try and another altogether to succeed.
Just as it was one thing to look confident, well-centered, and another altogether to really feel either of those things. So for her to speak that openly to him, to not immediately back away or pretend to care for his feelings without taking her own into account… was immeasurably interesting to say the least.
“Indeed. It’s quite a troublesome, delicate situation.”
Damon knew that his words were mere platitudes, yet it was what he had to offer for the time being. Still feeling in a daze, he meandered around the small room, noting things here and there that hadn’t been that easy to see from the entrance alone. Like how a few figurines adorned the shelves, and that some of the books dealt with video games and other nerdy stuff he had never cared about before. It was quite the touch, he mused, wondering if those had been placed after the trial for some reason or another.
Somehow, he couldn’t see Tozu being that kind to any of them otherwise.
“Do you want me to leave so you can have some time to yourself? You did mention the rest of the school being too cluttered…” Diana whispered, interrupting his investigation.
He considered taking her on that offer. After all, her presence alone already made some awful memories come to mind again, stronger that time around. Her and Eva having their last face off, until the mathematician tore through her heart with words that seemed to be too much even for her…
But then—
“N-no. I uh, I think we both need this. Don’t we?”
With that he took a seat on the mattress too, as far away from Diana as he could. It wasn’t his intention to impose on the cosmetologist, to interrupt her grief; yet leaving wasn’t an option. Not when the mere sight of that room also called to mind other conversations he had had with Eva.
Small things that had seemed insignificant back then, but held so much more meaning now that she was no longer around.
“I just don’t understand, you know?” Diana shook her head. Her voice rose for a bit, enough to call Damon’s attention and make him look at her right away. Frustration and not anger framed her expression, though her tone belied more of the latter than the former. It was another matter altogether who the target of such an emotion was. “I did try my best. I… I was there for her, Damon. And all of that for her to say that it meant nothing?”
“I remember seeing the two of you together.” And that was when his memories of those moments seemed so disconnected from Eva’s accusations. “You were always close to her, trying to engage her in conversation. You defended her from the other students when I… couldn’t do the same.”
“So why? Why did it have to end like this?” Her voice warbled, tears threatening to spill again. The debater was sure it wasn’t the first time she had thought those words, yet maybe he was indeed the only one who heard them being uttered out loud. “I was so certain that I had reached Eva at some point. She… smiled at me, Damon.” The small beam that colored her lips was humorless, one that held nothing but grief. “And yeah, I know that shouldn’t mean anything special, but it’s her we’re talking about and guess what, after a bit it started happening more and more often. Until it stopped. Until she… went back to ignoring me.
“And then there was the note, everything that went down afterwards. Things were chaotic, but I still wanted her to know I was there for her. I-I gave her a hug before the trial, told her everything would be fine. That I’d be there for her no matter if the other students suspected her without proof or whatever, what with how on edge they were. And… she even embraced me back. What was that for, when in the end…”
His heart recoiled at the declaration, everything that Diana said. After all, it only corroborated his questions, all that seemed amiss in that entire case. To think that the one person they could ask, the only one who could give them a correct answer was already gone, didn’t help at all. It didn’t ease the burden in his chest, the pain that was so starkly clear in Diana’s eyes.
Everything they had from that point on would be conjuncture, but in the end… wasn’t that something he knew how to work with?
“This has been bothering me as well,” he admitted in a low voice. Something came to mind and he decided to chase it just as he had done in so many debates in the past. It wasn’t unusual for arguments to start small, their logic and depth unraveling the more he pursued them. “And now, hearing about your interactions, I believe there are too many loose ends. Things that do not add up at the slightest.“
“How? She said it herself, didn’t she? She resented me for listening to Wolfgang at the end of the day. I… Yeah, so I did, but didn’t I also reach out a hand to her so she wouldn’t be all alone?” Turning to face Damon, she added in a small voice, “didn’t I reach out to you ?”
He nodded, pensive. While originally he trusted that Eva’s more logic-oriented mind had made her believe that Diana was just trying to become more popular by using her as a mere decoy, it didn’t completely fit the situation. Why would she accept that attention, those touches or the cosmetologist’s mere company if that was the case?
So why then… why waste her final words on making everything so hideous, so loathsome…
Loathsome…
That was the small tendril of an argument that he needed to grasp, to push against. Even if by that point in time he didn’t know why.
“I didn’t talk to her as much as you did, it seems. But it was clear to me that Eva was convinced people hated her. That they were only using her to get to their own goals and achievements without taking hers into consideration.”
“But I never—”
“You didn’t, but perhaps she didn’t spend enough time with us—with you—in order to see that it wasn’t the case at all.” He winced at the thought, at the realization that maybe he should have sought her out more often. They had been the two outcasts after all. “In any case, it feels safe to assume that mistrust and hatred distorted Eva’s perception of the world around her. She herself stated that she was the most vulnerable person in the killing game, that people wouldn’t have investigated her case had she been murdered and so on.”
Diana hugged herself, sighing. Recalling it was also enough to make Damon’s heart painfully tug at him. How unworthy had Eva judged herself to be, no matter how she had called their talents useless in comparison to hers after the trial?
“ I would have investigated.” The cosmetologist whispered, contrite. “I would have brought the bastard to justice even if I had had to do it by myself. It wouldn’t… have stopped me. I just wanted her to feel safe. I just—
“I just wanted her to feel loved, Damon. And now I’m so confused.”
The feeling echoed in his chest, sad, forlorn, twisted. Darkened by tears that he let fall, the same that Diana could no longer keep at bay at that moment in time. Frowning, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against his palms, letting them both have a minute of respite.
A moment to think, to find their pace through the maze that Eva had woven during these last few days, those final minutes.
“I think there was a reason lurking behind that. Some kind of… logic we aren’t seeing,” Damon said, giving in to his impulse and grabbing Diana’s hand in one of his. They both needed the contact, the comfort.
“Logic?”
“Yes. You might not have seen it given everything that was happening, but there was something about the way Eva looked at you that felt at odds with the nature of her words. Which is why I’m not entirely convinced that what she said was the truth.”
Those words hung between them, intertwined in the care they shared with their joined hands. Diana took a few deep breaths, trying to recall that point in the trial. Everything about the past day was hazy, forlorn, her heart clinging to terrible memories and key moments that hurt her time and time again.
She didn’t believe she would ever be able to let them go.
Despite how conflicting emotions painted those scenarios in crimson despair and dark demise.
“But if I… if I’m remembering it right, she barely glanced at me.” She argued. While she had sought the other girl’s stare and in it, any confirmation that what she was saying was true, Eva had avoided her altogether. “I couldn’t even read her back then. She closed herself off to me entirely at that moment. But then… was she even—”
“I saw it. There was sadness in her eyes.” Damon pressed the issue. Those moments had been in his mind the most, so a part of him wondered if wishful thinking was already tarnishing his memory. Making it something easier to comprehend, to explain. Yet he had to press on just for the sake of finding a clue, an explanation. It was what him and Diana needed after all. “Despite not being in fact the Ultimate Liar, Eva was good at telling lies. There was a limitation to that ability, however, and it could be seen in how she couldn’t completely convince herself of what was being said.
“And right there, her demeanor conflicted with her words. She wasn’t angry, furious with you or anything of the sort.”
“What was she, then?” Diana’s voice caught, eyes lifting from somewhere amidst the purple carpet in order to meet his. Magenta on emerald, both darkened by the sorrow that conversation brought to them. “What was she trying to accomplish, if there was any logic to her actions as you say there was?”
“This ties in with my earlier argument, perhaps. About hatred and her tendency to believe it dictated her life in a sense. She was smart, but limited by such a perception to the point that it might have impacted her final decision. And led her to make everything… self destructive.” The debater closed his eyes, gave himself a few erratic heartbeats to ponder over it. If what he was thinking was correct, then… “Diana, answer me this, how does hatred impact your life? How often and for how long do you think about things that you despise?”
“Things I despise? Hm…” The cosmetologist pondered over the question, weird as it was. “There isn’t really much that I would label as hateful for starters, but when it comes down to it… not a lot, to be honest. Sure, I dread doing those things or having to talk to people I’m not on friendly terms with, but I just get it over with and move on with my day. Why do you ask?”
It was clear she didn’t quite follow, not yet. And while Damon had thought about just relaying his hypothesis, it felt important that she could reach the same conclusion in her own ways.
“Because individuals usually behave like that, unless the subject or intensity of said hate is so strong that it consumes them. Those cases may be more prone to end in vengeance or an act of violence, though by then I suppose other feelings such as fury would also be involved.” The more he spoke, the more it made sense. And the more his heart sank as a result, too. “In opposition to this, don’t we tend to speak and think more over things and people who we love?”
“Y-yeah. I uh, could talk forever about my favorite artists or say, people who inspire me. But what does this have to do with—oh.”
It was clear when realization hit her. Diana’s whole body tensed, her hand pulling away from Damon’s as she placed it over her chest, her heart. Magenta irises widened, then moved away from his, roaming around the room in search of something, anything. An anchor to hold on, to fight against the thoughts that frantically rushed through her head.
When she spoke again her voice was contrite, so small he had to lean in so as to fully listen to her.
“You don’t—you don’t think Eva was deliberately trying to make me hate her, do you? So I would… think less of her?”
“I don’t see any other reason why she would say what she said. Not when you two were so close. Perhaps even framing you was her way to start that very destructive process, her words a mere formality just in case.” Damon’s gaze was steady and warm when it fell on Diana. By then they were sitting side by side, apparently seeking that comfort without really noticing it. “She cared. And she wanted you, wanted us, to move on quicker.”
“Because at most you spend a few minutes talking ill of the people you hate, but that’s all. It doesn’t impact your day.” Diana’s voice caught. “You just go on with your life, maybe even feeling a little bit better because you were able to vent your frustrations. Oh, Eva. Silly, silly Eva…”
He drew Diana closer, deep down wishing he could hold both of them—Eva and Diana, the two girls who had been the closest to him ever since the accursed killing game started. When the cosmetologist laid her cheek on his shoulder he hugged her, both of them silently crying for what felt like hours.
Time stretching in front of them, around them. The sounds of the other students going on about their existences coming from the door, the walls that didn’t manage to block noise. Still they remained suspended within the inner sanctuary of that gloomy room. With nothing but silence around them, a warm and welcome comfort after everything that had transpired.
When Diana dried her tears and drew a deep, shaky breath, there was a small smile on her face that shattered the darkness which held them there.
“It was… so nice to see her and Cassidy talking about video games. Were you there when it happened?” The cosmetologist chuckled; the sound was mirthless, but welcome nonetheless. “And even before that… the first night we spent together I got Eva to ramble a bit about pure mathematics. I didn’t understand a word of it, but hearing her speak for that long made me so, so very happy.
“I think that was the first time I embraced her. She blushed so much, I couldn’t help but laugh at it. Then when she smiled the other day—”
Damon stood still for a bit, trying to imagine those times. Happier moments that wouldn’t return to them, but that could be held on to instead of the sadder ones preceding Eva’s downfall.
If she had wanted them to forget and move on, to hate and belittle, then perhaps the best thing to be done was the complete opposite.
To remember, to share. And to keep alive the good moments that they had spent together.
“Well, it was good to see the way she smiled when we spoke about science or—”
No matter what Eva had tried to accomplish, the self destructive path she had chosen to trail before her very last breath, Damon and Diana would treasure her forever. They would keep her in their hearts, no matter what was said to make them think otherwise. In the end her lie had been unraveled, her true intentions exposed.
And although it was sad that in that life they hadn’t been able to really connect and grow close, there was always lingering, living hope that it would happen in their next one.