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“Men suck, it’s official.” Mary proclaims, holding a bottle of firewhiskey up in a mock toast. Her curls bounce as she shakes her head in disgust.
Lily grins up at her friend, but can’t help but defend her ex. “Mary, I told you—James didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t working out.”
And it’s true, James was the perfect boyfriend. He was kind and selfless, willing to go out of his way for anyone, and acted like she hung the stars. She has never felt so loved, so safe, and yet… It wasn’t enough. After a couple months together, something never clicked. She thought once he stopped being a toerag and they started dating she would finally feel the spark he clearly felt towards her. It was perfect, practically destiny, their paths so entangled that falling in love was inevitable. But she didn’t, instead she spent all of their time together pushing herself to feel something, for his sake at least. And Mary watched as she broke her own heart day-after-day, trying to understand why she felt nothing for such a lovely person.
Eventually he noticed and was so intensely understanding that Lily felt herself wracked with guilt and longing for a relationship she couldn’t make herself truly commit to. She tried, he tried, but in the end his love wasn’t enough to make up for her lack. They did decide to be friends, after some time apart, and she truly hopes James will one day find the person meant for him. It just isn’t her.
She is lost in her mind for a moment, thinking about everything she let go. But Mary is downing another swig of firewhiskey and continuing her rant. “Well Sirius did do something wrong, so I’m at least allowed to hate men.”
“What did he do? I heard you yelling at him after dinner, but only caught the end where you called him a toerag.” Lily leans in, always entranced by the way Mary tells a story.
“I caught him staring at someone else.” Mary pauses to let Lily gasp, “I know. And I mean it was a painfully longing gaze, honestly he has never looked at me like that.” She pouts, but continues her story, “So I asked him about it after dinner and instead of denying it he said—and I quote—’do you think he saw?’ with a look of utter fear.”
“Wait” Lily interrupts, “Did you say he ?”
“I did my sweet Lilypad. So I told him, ‘What does it matter? I saw, you know, your girlfriend!’. And he just looked at me in confusion, like he didn’t understand why that even mattered.” Deep brown eyes roll, as if just talking about it is beneath her.
“No he didn’t!”
“Yes, he did. So I told him ‘If you’re so in love with him, I don’t even know why we are even dating.’ And instead of apologizing, like any sane person would do, he perked up and looked at me in shock. Like I was telling him brand new information.” Mary is nodding her head as she speaks, and Lily can’t take her eyes off of her best friend. “And he whispers to himself, ‘Oh Merlin, I’m in love with him.’ and starts to leave .” Mary pauses again, allowing Lily to interject.
“What the fuck, so I assume that’s when you called him a toerag.”
“Well, and a few other choice names.” Mary sounds smug, a smirk on her soft lips lined with red.
“So who’s he in love with?” Lily asks, hoping desperately she says a certain werewolf they know has been pining for years.
“That’s the worst part, it’s Remus so I can’t even be that angry! Like I have to give that idiot my blessing because I know Remus won’t so much as kiss him without checking in with me first.”
“Mary—Sirius is a jackass and I hate him, but…” Lily trails off, the corners of her mouth curling up.
“I’m thrilled for Remus, honestly if Sirius likes blokes then he couldn’t choose one more in love with him.” But Mary holds up the bottle again, “But no more celebrating our favorite gay werewolf, tonight we are mad at Sirius.”
“Very mad, practically fuming, I can’t believe he treated you like that!” Lily exclaims, completely ready to turn against Sirius. Honestly, couldn’t he have figured out his feelings for Remus without pulling someone else into the mix.
“So say it with me,” Mary says slowly so Lily can join in for the final two words, “Men. Suck.”
They break into giggles, the absurdity of both of their breakups and the firewhiskey make it impossible to hold it together. However, after the laughter slows down, Lily takes a moment to check on her best friend. “But how are you? Are you doing okay?”
Mary lets out a sigh, “I’m a little sad, but mainly because I liked the idea of having him as a boyfriend. He’s fit, you know, so it was nice to have him around. But otherwise? I’m mainly just happy for Remus and annoyed at Sirius.”
Lily shakes her head in annoyance, long strands of hair falling in front of her face. She begins to reach out to push them back, but suddenly Mary is there tucking the loose pieces behind her ears. Lily feels a jolt in her stomach, her heart hiccuping for a moment, as their eyes meet.
“Can I braid your hair?” Mary asks in a soft voice, already standing up and heading for her bed. Wordlessly Lily follows, the importance of the moment weighing in the air, even though she doesn’t understand why.
She sits between Mary’s legs, her heart thudding in her chest as if they haven’t done this a thousand times. Warmth thrums through her veins, but at the moment she’s unsure if it is caused by the firewhiskey or Mary. Tangled blankets lie beneath them, but they don’t care, leaning into each other as Mary’s hands soothe through Lily’s bright red hair. Silence surrounds them, but Lily doesn’t care as her mind focuses on the feeling of Mary behind her, nimble fingers starting a loose braid.
It’s over too soon and she misses the comforting pressure of Mary when she pulls away. She doesn’t think about it, doesn’t even pause before turning around and melting into her best friend. It’s a long embrace, broken only by Mary’s gentle strokes down her back. They breathe together, letting the moment settle around them, while all thoughts of both awful and spectacular ex-boyfriends fade away.
Mary pulls back and Lily lets out a quiet whine, tightening her arms around her best friend. With a chuckle, Mary peels away, sitting and facing Lily instead, pulling them both until they are laying down. Faces inches apart, Lily studies Mary, feeling her eyes doing the same.
Her best friend is beautiful, and Lily can’t believe Sirius wasn’t in love with her. Her skin is enchanting, a deep golden brown, reminiscent of twilight, moments after the sun has set. Barely visible freckles dust her cheeks over a light flush from the alcohol. Eyes filled with such depth that Lily wonders if she could get lost in them, a galaxy of her own. A soft smile settles on her face, more at ease then she has been in months. She wonders if this is what she needed, a moment with her best friend, taking in beauty she had spent too much time ignoring while trying to fall in love with James Potter.
“Lily,” Her friend’s voice is soft, hesitant, and Lily would do anything to make her words come easier. “You are so beautiful.” Lily feels blood rush to her face, fair skin staining red within seconds. But Mary isn’t done, “I’m just so happy to have you in my life, you are unfailingly kind, annoyingly stubborn, and wrapped in sheer perfection. I just needed to tell you, especially since I know you’ve been feeling a bit insecure since the breakup.”
Although she’s right, Lily never actually told her friend that, the feelings staying locked inside. But at the moment it doesn’t matter, because she has never felt as beautiful as she does wrapped up with Mary. Fingers ghosting along her side, while gentle eyes make her feel seen. A soft smile lights up Mary’s face, and Lily wants to close the distance between them. To feel those lips between hers.
Oh.
She wants to kiss Mary.
Oh.
She’s in love with Mary.
That’s what was missing the entire time, it wasn’t her failing to fall in love, she was already in love with someone else. Moments flash before her eyes, emotions she never gave name. Days spent with Potter where all she wanted was to go back up to her dorm and cuddle her best friend. Nights spent giggling over nothing when she had to get up early the next morning for a Hogsmeade date. It wasn’t a problem with their relationship, just that she was dating the wrong person. It hits her in a flash, love filling her every pore while she stares at her best friend.
Does Mary feel the same? The draw between them is suddenly impossible to ignore now that she noticed it. The air is thick and heavy, threatening to suffocate her, but she would be happy to die wrapped up in the love between them, even if it is just platonic for her best friend. Lily doubts that though, the soft gaze locked on her and the loving words shared mere moments ago are enough for her to feel hope.
She leans in, but not for a kiss. No, she just wants to soak in the moment, enjoy the comfort between them. Head resting against Mary’s chest, soft breathing rising in time with her own, Lily feels the edges of the moment disappear. Time ceases to exist as firewhiskey and the night paint their embrace as a dream. Soon she drifts to sleep, the sweet scent of Mary following her as the rest of the world fades away.
The next morning is still, bright light cutting through their curtains as they wake up tangled together. Fresh air blows through, the morning barely breaking as they pull each other close in the light of day.
“Lily.” Mary sounds nervous, but sure. “What did last night mean to you?”
“I’m in love with you” Lily says by way of answer.
Mary just tucks her in closer, slipping a hand under her shirt to rub circles into Lily’s spine. A tender moment only lessened by the worry that her feelings aren’t returned. Of course, safe in Mary’s arms, Lily never should have worried.
“I’ve been telling you I’m in love with you for years. You just never heard it because James loves so much louder.” Mary whispers, and for a moment it stings, but only until warm fingers soothe her skin again.
“I hear you now.” Lily whispers back, careful not to break the bubble of peace.
Mary huffs in quiet annoyance, “Only because your heart was broken.”
Lily smiles, “Hearts only heal after breaking.” She pauses, “And besides, my heart can’t be broken, not with you beside me.”
The other girl looks up at her, dark eyes questioning, “Are you sure?”
“You were what I was missing all along.” Lily leans in closer to Mary, running a finger along her jaw.
Desire darkens Mary’s eyes with every word, jaw dropping open as she leans ever closer. As their breaths whisper into the other’s mouth, Mary asks in a low voice, “Can I kiss you?”
Without hesitation, Lily surges forward and captures Mary’s lips. They move against each other in tandem, languidly slipping their tongues together. A soft moan escapes her, and with that the kiss picks up in desperation, hands wandering and hips moving. They grow closer together, boundaries vanishing as the air between them heats up. Lily’s mind drifts away, lost in Mary’s touch, and she feels complete.