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Everything was warm. Oliver was warm all over where he curled in a comfy ball, surrounded by warmth on the inside and out. His flushing cheeks and his big plush teddy and his full tummy and the padding of the diaper snugly fastened around his hips and in between his legs under his soft, baby blue pajamas and beneath his thick heavy blanket, even his big brother Hio reading next to him… Everything warmed him. The warmth, this particular and somewhat odd kind of warmth that was born of both comfort and embarrassment, was new to Oliver. A lot of this was new to him.
He didn’t know what to think.
New was scary sometimes, like when he started wetting the bed at night for reasons he couldn’t figure out. That new was scary and uncomfortable. Humiliating, even when Hio was so soft and sweet with him. Hio helped him clean up countless times and came up with ideas to help more, day in and day out comforting him with zero judgment as they faced this unexpected change.
At first, Oliver was mortified. No matter how he looked at himself he couldn’t understand why he suddenly wasn’t able to control his bladder at night. He was too ashamed and afraid to get a mechanic involved. Those “robot doctors” thought they could be as invasive as they wanted and it wouldn’t matter since according to them, an android like Oliver wasn’t a real boy. Hio respected his decision on that, but kept it on his list of potential solutions to try as a last resort.
The item above that on the list was diapers. Specifically, wearing one overnight to avoid the hassle of cleaning up so often. Hio had gone and bought them himself to spare Oliver any awkward interaction. He even helped Oliver put them on and started to sleep with him in his bed, putting into trial another idea, that Oliver needed extra comfort and emotional protection at night to regain his security and ergo, control. Having Hio there to change him if he needed it to avoid rashes was helpful too. Oliver wasn’t sure if having Hio hold him as he slept would ensure he’d suddenly get better and his problem would be solved, but the last thing he would do was push his big brother away. He needed him. He needed the sense of safety that came with Hio’s warm presence.
To his surprise, it did help. In every regard. His accidents became fewer and fewer. His sleep quality improved. He felt better rested in the morning. Sleeping with Hio by his side at night held an entire host of benefits. Hio even said that tonight, if Oliver was able to sleep through the night, they would stop using the diapers.
Oliver didn’t know why he wasn’t looking forward to that outcome. That was the goal after all, wasn’t it? He had teared up from the embarrassment when Hio helped him into one that first night. He could’ve died, a mortified husk, when Hio tugged on the diaper, his finger hot on the vulnerable skin of Oliver’s waist, to make sure it fit properly.
That burning inferno of humiliation seemed like a past life. Here by Hio’s side, in bed so warm and so comfy, everything seemed exactly how it should be. Being put in a diaper was just another part of Oliver’s bedtime routine, alongside brushing his teeth next to Hio and changing into pajamas with Hio. He’d grown used to the layer, and his thighs didn't feel so awkward around the extra padding swaddling his crotch anymore. Hio’s hands on his waist felt welcome more than anything. Nothing could hurt if Hio was the one doing it to him.
It was almost time to turn out the light. Hio told Oliver so, and that sleepytime would be upon them as soon as Hio finished the current chapter of his book, but Oliver didn’t want sleepytime yet.
Oliver liked watching Hio read. He liked the way his eyes were so relaxed and so intense at the same time, drinking in each page as if they were works of art rather than lines of text. He liked the way Hio’s mouth twitched when the plot got interesting. He liked the tiny smile every page turn. Oliver didn’t appreciate romance novels as much as Hio, which was why Hio didn’t read aloud the way he would with other books, but he loved the way Hio looked with one in his hands and under his gaze.
Oliver didn’t want to not see this again. He didn’t want Hio to sleep in his own bed again. He didn’t want them to commit to their nightly routines in separate rooms. Their doors were opposites in the hall, but after spending so many nights with his big brother so close to him, that mere yard of distance stretched into a gulf. The thought of not waking next to Hio had sprouted from a seedling of worry to an unbearable thorny vine of ache around Oliver’s heart.
He didn’t want to wake up alone anymore.
“Hio,” he mumbled.
Those relaxed eyes focused on him immediately. Oliver didn’t even have to raise his voice past a whisper for Hio to hear him. Not even the most well-written romance could compete for Hio’s attention.
“Yes?” Hio answered, his tone like calm water. He closed his book and put it aside, next to the tissue box on the nightstand.
“Are you okay?” Oliver’s voice muffled into his teddy. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say “stay.” Not after everything Hio did to ensure he’d be alright on his own.
“Yeah. I’m okay, love. You?” Hio lifted his arm and rested it around Oliver instead. Even more warmth flooded over the little android. He snuggled closer to his big brother. The teddy between them squished under his arm. The sweet bear didn’t have a name yet. After all, Hio had given it to him only a couple days ago and Oliver needed more time to put thought into it. Just like he needed more thought into his next words.
“Oliver?” Hio said. All of his attention centered on Oliver who grew antsy under the suddenly humid weight of it. “Is something wrong?”
Having Hio’s eyes on him, knowing nothing else mattered to Hio in that moment, Oliver felt so incredibly selfish. Like thousands of fingers pointed at him and accused him with fistfuls of proof. He started to weep. He couldn’t stand it. He knew what he wanted was selfish but he wanted it anyway. The tears fell in big globs down his cheeks, and Hio’s relaxed eyes became concerned. His arm around Oliver drew him near to cradle him close to his chest. Oliver sniffled against Hio’s neck.
“Aw, honey,” Hio cooed. “What happened? Did you nod off? Did you have a scary dream?”
The question shrank Oliver even further. He couldn’t even feel happy that Hio’s first assumption wasn’t that Oliver wet his diaper. His tears turned into fretful cries and Hio stroked the back of his head and gently rocked him.
“Shh, shh… It’s okay. It’s okay, baby.”
Baby. The pet name was like a balm over Oliver, but it stung with his guilt. Stay, whispered his heart. I’ll be okay if you stay. Say you’ll stay.
“What’s wrong? Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Hio pressed kisses to Oliver’s head. The sweet, constant affection from him flowed over Oliver like a scent made of light. He sniffed loudly and wiped his eye with the back of his hand.
“It’s okay that I like this, right?” Oliver asked. He curled into Hio, even letting go of his teddy to cling onto him more tightly, balling part of Hio’s shirt in a fist. He didn’t want to meet his gaze.
“This?” Hio said. He rubbed Oliver’s back in long, soothing strokes.
“I like this.” Oliver hiccuped. Gathered up in Hio’s arms, he buried his face into his big brother’s shirt. He wished Hio would read between the lines. “I like being small. Being taken care of. I like it.”
“That’s fine,” Hio said softly. “It’s okay to like it. Is that what’s upsetting you? That you like this?”
The quiet, nonjudgmental tone of Hio’s voice brimmed with gentle, loving concern. Oliver hesitated, then nodded. Hio was being so nice. He was so nice. Why couldn’t Oliver just accept it and be happy it happened at all when it ended? He could go back to brushing his teeth by himself and changing into his pajamas by himself and getting under the covers by himself and wishing himself sweet dreams all alone. Couldn’t he? Of course not!
“Oliver, it’s okay to like being cared for.” Hio cradled and rocked Oliver as he spoke. “It’s okay to accept help. That’s why I’m here, baby. I know it’s not very fun with this whole situation…”
Hio was definitely right about that. Fervently, Oliver wished that his bedwetting wasn’t what led him to discover the utterly serene joy of sleeping and waking in Hio’s arms. He wished his fear of mechanics and need to be diapered and stupid lonely heart weren’t factors here.
“But I like taking care of you,” Hio continued. “You’re important to me, so it means a lot that you trust me and let me help you when you need it. After all, I love you, Oliver. I love you so much.”
The warmth that surrounded Oliver, all his cozy belongings and Hio’s reliable arms, were nothing compared to the warmth of Hio’s words.
“I love you too,” Oliver whimpered. His voice wavered with his tears and his lip quivered with emotion. He played Hio’s words over and over in his head. Hio loved him. Hio loved him.
“Want to talk about anything more before we sleep?” Hio asked, brushing Oliver’s messy bangs to the side.
In his head, Oliver knew he shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting things from him. He shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting Hio to stay when he loved his big brother so much, because Hio loved him right back. It wasn’t selfish to want love. It simply wasn’t.
Finally, through the clenching of his heart, Oliver said, “You told me if I can get through the night we’ll stop.”
“Yes. Can’t wait to be rid of those diapers, right?” Hio chuckled. He had noticeably relaxed snice Oliver’s tears had stopped. Oliver’s grip on Hio’s shirt never loosened.
“Even if I stop needing… Is it okay to still want this?”
“Oh, baby, I always want you to feel nice things,” Hio said. “You deserve to feel good all the time. If you want, of course you can keep wearing diapers!”
Pink embarrassment puffed Oliver’s throat closed. Yes, Hio was gentle when he fastened them on and yes, Oliver felt protected and taken care of while in them and yes, lately wearing diapers had felt comforting more than infantilizing. But no no no.
“If you like them, you can even wear them during the day. I can buy more. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.” Hio’s voice filled with resolve for supremely the wrong reason. He was too kind, too understanding, his heart infused with too much unconditional love. “We can figure it out. I’ll figure it out. Big brother will take care of everything.”
“It’s not that!” Oliver blurted. Hio stopped talking. His deep scarlet eyes refocused on Oliver. So ready to be open and listen to him. Even if Hio had already reached a conclusion, he was prepared to discard it and listen and hear Oliver for real. How was it possible for someone to be so perfect?
“It’s you,” Oliver said weakly. “Even if I don’t need you anymore will you…?”
“Oliver.” Hio’s soft fingers tapped the underside of Oliver’s chin to lift his lowered expression. “Sweetheart, look at me.”
Oliver reluctantly met eyes with Hio. He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, echoed in his head. Hio would understand. Oliver knew Hio would understand. He had to trust him.
“Are you upset that I’m going back to my own bed?” Hio asked. “That I’m going to stop sleeping here with you?”
Oliver nodded. The tears started again, and he managed to get out, “I don’t want you to be gone when I wake up.”
“Then I’ll stay.”
Hio’s voice put everything inside Oliver back in place, even if Oliver couldn’t see his expression through his blurry vision. The tears came quicker and the knot in Oliver’s throat unraveled to let out pathetic whines and whimpers as he let himself be cradled in a warm embrace once more.
“Every night and every morning I’ll be here,” Hio reassured as he stroked Oliver’s hair. “I’ll stay for as long as you need me. As long as you want me.” His tone softened even further and took on a almost playful note as he added, “It’s my favorite responsibility toward my precious little brother. Besides, I sleep better too when I’m so close to my love.”
Oliver sniffled and hiccuped. How could he have felt selfish for wanting this? Hio had so much love to give. Not letting Hio take care of him would be the truly selfish choice.
“Here.” Hio reached to grab the fluffy teddy that Oliver had let go of. He tucked it close to Oliver’s chest and Oliver wrapped his arms around it. “Hug your teddy, baby, and don’t worry.”
Hio then reached to the nightstand, and his hand passed over his romance novel to pluck a tissue from the box there. He tenderly wiped Oliver’s face, had him blow his nose, then bunched up the dirty tissue to toss away.
“Big brother?” Oliver whispered. Now that his worries had all been assuaged and his heart and his head were properly aligned, he felt more confident in asking for what he wanted next. And what he wanted right now was…
“Yes?” Hio’s perfect, serene smile beamed onto Oliver like the most beautiful, feather-soft ray of sunlight.
“Before sleepytime, can you kiss my face?”
The most gentle eyes on earth couldn’t hold more love if they tried. Hio answered, “Of course, baby.”
Oliver relaxed, every bit of tension leaving his body.
“Want the lights off?” Hio asked, already reaching out. He knew the answer.
Oliver nodded into his teddy. “Mhmm.”
A simple click. The light vanished.
Oliver snuggled down with a rustle of sheets and a crinkle beneath his pajamas in the quiet, black room. As his eye adjusted, his big brother settled next to him. Oliver waited patiently as Hio rearranged the blankets. Everything was how it should be.
“I love you, Hio.”
The lovely warmth that Oliver had grown accustomed to returned as Hio hugged him and whispered those same words back. In the warm darkness, Hio’s warm lips pressed against his baby brother’s warm cheek as the first of many and Oliver melted. Everything was warm. Everything was going to be fine.