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"I miss you so much." Theon swallowed the lump in his throat. It was hard to look Ramsay in the eyes when he visited. Hard to see how stone faced the other man had become—even his scarce smiles were obviously forced now. He looked as miserable as Theon felt. Probably worse. He was in prison for fuck's sake.
He could almost hear Robb's voice in his ear. "Good, Theon. He's meant to suffer for what he's done to you. That's the point."
"And yet, here we are," Ramsay said. "Months apart. Wasted time we could have spent together." He paused, watching Theon with eagle eyes. Waited until the words had sunk in deep enough to make Theon's eyes glisten, going red with regret. "Because you trusted him more than you trust me."
"You hurt me, Ramsay," Theon insisted, voice dropping to a whisper as if his crimes were a dirty secret no one knew. "Really hurt me. Not just..."
"You said you liked it."
Theon's face burned.
"I know you liked it," Ramsay said, his voice becoming a half purr. The hint of a smirk gracing his lips, making him look too much like his father.
"You went too far. Too many times." Theon tried to put the edge to his voice that Robb had coached him about. Be firm. Stand your ground. He's just a man.
Of course Robb didn't know Theon was visiting Ramsay in prison. He already had too much to say about it. Just like he did with everything else related to Ramsay. It wasn't something Theon could handle. Not now. Not with the sick squirming of guilt and shame and doubt and fear making his stomach twist in bilious knots. He swallowed again, looking up at Ramsay when he realized there was no response.
Ramsay only stared at him and shook his head. Disappointment tilted his lips into a frown.
"Why didn't we resolve this with a conversation, Theon? Instead of a restraining order and... this. Your idiot friend is a poor substitute for couples counseling. He's biased. Selfish."
Theon blinked, instantly ignoring Ramsay's tired old diatribe against Robb. His insistence that Robb wanted Theon to himself and that this entire fiasco was due to Robb's obsession.
"You... You would've gone to couples counseling?"
"Of course I would." Ramsay's jaw flexed as he clenched his teeth, licked his lips. His pale eyes darted off to the side, then he took a deep breath and looked at Theon again. "I love you."
Theon's chest hitched as he forced down a sob with a few shaky breaths. His eyes brimmed with tears that finally spilled over his lashes. "Still? After... after everything?"
"After everything you did?" Ramsay angled his head to eye Theon critically from beneath his brows.
Theon nodded, heart aching as it thumped a quick staccato.
Robb's voice sounded in his head again, unbidden, unwanted. So many conversations jumbled and pieced back together.
"When he's released he'll come after you. He'll retaliate."
"Don't be fooled, Theon. He's a manipulator."
"If he really loved you, he would have listened when you said stop the first time."
"I can't believe you're thinking about seeing him. Even for closure. After everything you did to make him pay? Even just for a few years."
"I helped you because I love you. You're my best friend."
"I swear, Theon, if you can't stay away from him, I'm done. I can't watch you self-destruct again."
"My love for you is unconditional, Theon," Ramsay said softly, slowly, bringing Theon out of his head like he always did. "I told you, from the beginning. My love doesn't hinge on what you do, how you look, who you're friends with—even if I hate them because of how they treat you like a child. I just love you. Your strengths and your weaknesses. All of you. Forever."
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." The dam broke and Theon felt every painful bit of space forced between them by his own folly. He cried, wiping his face on his shirt sleeve, then sniffed back snot and knew the heavy truth within himself.
He'd come to visit not for Ramsay's sake, but because he wanted to hear those words. Wanted to know. Needed Ramsay to still love him. To not hate him.
"Don't cry too much, Theon," Ramsay said, smiling at last. A genuine one that lit up his eyes with the dark intensity that made Theon's pulse thrum faster than it had any right to. "I've been very good, a model prisoner, and I've been granted parole."
"When?" Theon blurted out, breathless, eyes struggling to maintain focus from how wet yet dry they felt. Was that good news? Bad? His pounding heart couldn't decide.
"Two weeks." Ramsay glanced at the clock on the wall. Visitation was nearly over. He scraped his teeth over his bottom lip. "Will you pick me up? We could celebrate."
Theon felt like he couldn't breathe. A spark of danger flashed bright inside him, inciting him to run. To say no. To get the hell out of town and never look back. To go to his sister and beg her to take him in, to forgive him for abandoning the family when they needed him most, when his involvement in the family business might have meant he was the one behind bars. For a lot longer than a misdemeanor charge entailed.
But he didn't want that life now any more than he had then. It had never felt like it belonged to him. He was too sensitive, his father had always said. His siblings, too. And they hadn’t been wrong.
Look at you fucking crying now, because you landed your boyfriend in prison because you were too weak to tell your friend you didn’t fucking care how bad it got. You didn’t need a white knight. You just needed one thing.
His family’s illicit dealings was too empty and hollow. Too dangerous in less rewarding ways. What was money without someone to share it with? Someone who wanted you for more than your wealth.
The danger itself, though. That was addictive. Especially when it was wrapped in the handsome, smiling package sat opposite him. Especially when it promised strong arms around him every night, and those possessive words from Ramsay’s lips that Theon knew he’d never get enough of, no matter if they grew old together or Ramsay buried him in a field on the sprawl of his father’s land.
“I’ll be here. Next weekend too,” Theon said, voice thick. He hung his head a moment before standing when Ramsay did. “I need you.”
“You can show me how much,” Ramsay said with a grin over his shoulder as he turned to follow an officer. “Soon.”