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“I…” Jax paused, a lump forming in his throat. Damn it, he thought to himself. Not now.
“What is it?” Pomni asked, looking up at him as she did so. Her pupils did that thing where they sort of widened a little as she looked at him, waiting for him to spit out whatever it is he was going to say to her. He had spent the last few weeks mulling it over on and off in his head, but these past couple days he found himself thinking about it non stop. Pacing around his room at the dead of night, driving himself to the brink of insanity overthinking the smallest details.
C’mon, Jax. He hyped himself up. Each passing moment made an already tense and awkward situation even more tense and even more awkward. For some reason he couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes for more than a few moments, most of the time he just found himself staring at the floor. Why was this so damn difficult? It’s not like he and Pomni hadn’t done far more intense things than this, what he was about to say wasn’t even that bad, but he was fighting to get it out of his throat.
“Can I sit down for a second?” Jax asked, glancing over to his bed in a nearby end of the room.
“Oh, uh, sure?” Pomni said, more like a question rather than confirmation. Confusion clouded her voice and she didn’t quite know what to make of the situation. Jax called her over here to tell her something, and every second he spent not telling her made her more and more anxious. She already had issues with anxiety enough as it is, and this present scenario was not helping with that. She just hoped that whatever it was, it wasn’t bad.
“Okay.” Jax breathed out before sitting down on the edge of his bed, his hand smoothing over his ears as he sat down.
“Is everything...Okay?” Pomni asked, hesitantly. She fiddled with her hands, glancing between them and Jax.
“Yes, of course, everything’s fine.” Jax said, hastily. He caught himself and slowed down, not wanting to make the situation even more intense than it already was. “It’s just...I dunno why this is so damn hard to say.”
“Hmm…” Pomni thought for a moment. “Would it be easier if...You didn’t have to look at me when you said it?” She suggested. Sometimes that would be useful for her, whenever she had to say something difficult to someone, be it bad news or otherwise, not looking at them directly somehow made it easier. Like how you’re more likely to open up to someone when you’re in the passenger’s seat of a car, and their full attention isn’t on you, and yours on the road outside.
“Yeah, that could work.” Jax gestured to the spot on the bed next to him. “You can sit there if you want.”
“Sure.” Pomni awkwardly shuffled over, planting herself down a few inches farther from Jax than she normally would. Usually, she had no problem being close to him, as of late they were actually quite physically affectionate with each other, but in this moment she felt like he could use that little bit of extra space. His eyes didn’t meet hers, and he faced away from her.
“I…” Jax choked up again, that knot in his throat tightening to prevent him from speaking. God damn it, he complained to himself in his head. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, clenching his hands into fists before letting out a slow, long exhale. He summoned all of the will he had in his body, forcing the words to leave his mouth even if they would kill him.
“I love you.” Jax said, his voice small and frail, but audible nonetheless. “At least-” Jax cut himself off, his body shaking with pure nerves. Why this of all things seemed to scare him to hell and back he had absolutely no idea, but here he was, shaking like a scared dog in the rain. “At least I think I do.”
“Oh…” Pomni said, her eyes darting away from him. Jax felt a sharp pang in his chest, like someone just stuck him with a butcher’s knife. What the hell do you mean ‘oh’? That question bounced around his head like a bullet on metal, anxiety welling in him with each passing second.
“It’s just-” Pomni caught herself, realizing her initial reaction might have been off-putting at best. “It’s a little funny is all.”
“Uh…” Jax rasped, now entirely unable to look at Pomni in any sense of the word. “What do you mean by that?”
“It’s funny, because, well…” Pomni responded, rather awkwardly, moving her shaky hand to place it on the back of Jax’s, making him realize just how hard he had been gripping his bed sheets. Any harder and he’d definitely be putting holes in them, if not tearing a chunk out of them outright.
“I was thinking the same thing. Just the other night.” Pomni was looking away, too, her hand on his. She made little strokes on his wrist with her thumb, no doubt to try and calm herself. Jax’s grip loosened just a bit in response, a bit of anxiety leaving him, but with an ever present feeling of dread hanging over him. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that this was somehow going to go terribly wrong.
“Really?” Jax asked, hesitantly. He could finally look at her again now that he had calmed down a little, but he wanted to make sure he actually heard her right, to make sure he somehow didn’t just hallucinate her reciprocating his feelings. He couldn’t tell what felt more unreal, the fact that he may very well have feelings for this woman, or that she might feel the same way.
“Yeah.” Pomni did that dorky little closed mouth smile she does, trying her best to at the very least make eye contact. Considering the things they had done together in the past, it was damn near embarrassing how difficult it was to talk about their feelings for one another of all things.
“I…” Jax paused, his brain stalling like a faulty car engine. “Alright, well, uhm…” Jax stumbled over his own words, trying to find the right thing to say.
“I’m gonna be real honest with ya, Pom,” he said outright. “I didn’t really think I’d get this far. I, uh...don’t really know what to do.”
“That’s okay.” Pomni shuffled a bit closer to Jax, closing the distance between them. “We don’t have to rush into everything right away, but this is a good start, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Jax agreed. One question kept weighing on his mind however, one last question to convince himself that this was real. “You’re not...messing with me, are you?”
“What?” Pomni threw up a brow. Needless to say, the question kind of caught her off guard.
“Like, this isn’t some kinda prank? You’re not just screwing with me to get my hopes up?” Jax felt somewhat guilty asking this, and he understood it was probably a weird line of questioning, but he had to know. He had to know that this was happening for real and not a dream or some kinda twisted setup to get back at him for all the times he was a jerk to everyone else.
“Of course not.” Pomni’s gaze softened. She placed her other hand on Jax’s, working her fingers under his palm and bringing his hand up with hers so that he could hold her hand instead of strangling the bed sheets. “I would never do that to you. Promise.”
“...Thank you.” The words fell out of Jax’s mouth in a hushed tone, barely more audible than a whisper. He wasn’t used to thanking people in earnest, he suspected he may never get used to it. His muscles loosened a little and he fell into himself. He was still stressed for sure, but he could tell by the tone of her voice and that look in her eye that she was being genuine. This was real. He didn’t need to be so on guard.
“I’m sorry, I just—” Jax was quick to try and explain himself, but Pomni just let out a little breathy laugh at his attempt.
“You don’t have to apologize.” Her smile was warm as she said that. “Besides—” a little half-smirk crept up the side of Pomni’s lips. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
Jax’s shoulders rose in a small chuckle. Even with his stress levels reaching critical, she still knew how to make him laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.” He admitted. She wasn’t entirely wrong, Jax had done some cruel things before and something like that wasn’t necessarily off the table. The idea of it happening to Pomni, however, by his hand or otherwise, for some reason made his blood absolutely boil. He decided he didn’t want to dwell on that line of thinking for too long.
“For the record, I wouldn’t do that to you, either.” Jax placed his free hand on Pomni’s, meaning they were both holding each other’s hands now. “Promise.” The word ‘promise’ in earnest felt like poison on Jax’s tongue, but for her, he would say it again a thousand times.
“Thank you. I’m glad.” Pomni settled into herself a little, no doubt releasing some of her own stress. It had only really just now occurred to Jax that she might be a little stressed out about this whole thing, too.
“So, uh…” Jax broke the silence between them before it could become truly awkward. “What exactly does this make us, you and me? I was pretty cool with just calling you a friend before, but now...I dunno.”
“I guess this means we’re dating.” A hint of surprise punctuated that sentence as Pomni spoke it, as if she only just realized that eventuality herself. It felt unnatural, almost, not that it was necessarily a bad thing, just that she had never thought she’d say it. Not in this place, not in this context, and most certainly not to him.
“Yeah…” Jax swallowed, hard. Frankly, the idea of being in a committed, serious relationship with anyone at all scared him half to death, but...The idea of being apart from the woman he currently locked hands with scared him even more. He may even go as far as to say that it would kill him, but that might be a little melodramatic even by his standards.
“Should we tell the others, you think?” Pomni asked. That was a fairly pressing question, wasn’t it? Obviously they couldn’t keep something like this secret forever, having to love each other in private would hurt both of them in the long run. Jax let the question marinate in his mind for a few moments before producing his response.
“Nah,” he said, flatly. “At least not right away. Who knows, maybe we’re jumping the gun on this whole thing. Who knows how we’ll feel a day, a week, a month after this. Let’s just give it time, yeah? Then we’ll decide.”
“That sounds good.” Pomni paused as the uncomfortable air of silence filled the room again. “Just one more thing,” she blurted out, somewhat suddenly. She didn’t want to push this on him now of all times, but it’s something she had to say, needed to say before she could move forward with this.
“What is it?” That little knot of anxiety was forming in Jax’s throat again.
Pomni took in a deep breath and steeled herself before speaking. “If we’re gonna take this seriously, actually seriously do this, you and me...You’ll have to change.”
Jax wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Not without more information, anyway. “Change how, exactly?”
“Y’know…” Pomni’s eyes darted away for just a moment. “I guess I just want you to be nicer to everyone else. Not just me. You can start with me, but please, just...Try with the others.” Pomni pulled her hands inward, dragging Jax’s hand to her chest where her heart would otherwise be, if this digital avatar even had one. Her shoulders tightened as she continued to speak.
“It doesn’t have to be instant and it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow or even next week.” Jax could feel a low thrumming in her chest. It wasn’t very strong, but it was fast. “Just please, I want you to try. If you don’t do it for yourself or for anyone else, do it for me.”
Jax...Didn’t quite know how to respond. His usual Cheshire grin was nowhere to be found, his ears drooped downward and his mind blanked as he looked at Pomni. That look in her eye, that desperate plead, it could melt even the most reserved of people, open them up like a key.
“I…” Jax paused again. He could hear his own shallow breaths, the air in this room was so still. “I think I can do that.”
“Promise.” Pomni’s hands squeezed Jax’s. “Promise me you’ll at least try.”
“I promise.” Jax’s response was nearly instant, almost unnaturally so. It just sorta...Happened. He didn’t even think about it, he just said it, as if by instinct. Pomni’s shoulders relaxed at his words, and her eyes softened again, that placid smile returning to her face. She breathed out, relieving the last of the tension she had been building up.
“Thank you.” She repeated. “I’m sorry to put you on the spot like that, but I needed to hear you say it.”
“It’s okay.” Jax pulled Pomni into a hug with one swift movement. Her face found itself in his chest as he did so, and she could hear and feel that his heart was absolutely pounding.
“Thank you for giving me a chance.” Jax pulled himself out of the hug as he said that, his hands now on Pomni’s shoulders, looking down at the woman below him. Pomni couldn’t help but notice that this was the softest she’d ever seen his eyes, the kindest he had ever looked at her, maybe ever looked at anyone. He almost seemed like a different person.
“I love you.” He said it again, but this time with more volume to his voice, more assured, more confident.
“I love you, too,” Pomni returned, looking up at him.
“Promise me you mean that.”
“Of course I do.” A smile returned to Jax’s face as she said that. He leaned his head down to meet his lips with hers, sealing their promises with a kiss.