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Hiori doesn’t think he’s ever been more nervous in his life.
It’s normal to be nervous during your wedding, but Hiori doesn't think what he’s feeling is right. It’s not the kind of nervousness he feels when he's about to do a presentation, but instead, it’s a gut-wrenching feeling that picks at his skin as the seconds go by.
He should be happy. He should be overjoyed at the fact he’s finally getting married. Rin and him have been planning this for months. He’s felt nothing but excitement leading up to this moment, but when he sits in his dressing room alone, the muffled calming music slipping through the cracks of the door, he looks at himself in the mirror, and suddenly, all he feels is dread.
Hiori covers his face in his hands and groans. Why does he feel like this? Why isn’t he happy? Why does he feel more fear than joy? Isn’t your wedding supposed to be the happiest moment of your life? Something you shouldn’t regret in the future? He knows damn well that he doesn’t regret a single moment with Rin. He knows for a fact that every second he’s spent with Rin has been his happiest. Hiori doesn’t know if a single person can make all of his worries disappear from his body, but Rin is living proof that it exists.
He loves Rin. There's no lie in that.
So why does he feel so shitty?
A knock on the door snaps him out of it before he can spiral deeper. Whoever is behind the door doesn’t wait for a response, twisting the doorknob open and letting themselves in.
“You look stressed.” Karasu’s voice cancels out the overwhelming party music. “Nervous?”
Hiori lets out a small laugh, turning to look at himself in the mirror again. He looks beautiful with his hair styled and wearing his perfectly ironed-out suit. He remembered he and Rin butted heads on what suits they should wear with Hiori cracking a joke that Rin should just wear a wedding dress instead.
He’s supposed to feel pretty with all of his accessories and all of his makeup, but the more he stares at himself in the mirror, the more he starts to see his mother in the reflection, which isn’t something he wants to see on his wedding day, so he turns his head away.
Maybe that’s why he’s so nervous. It’s not like his parents had a good marriage. Would that happen to him and Rin one day?
Hiori frowns before flopping down in a chair with a loud sigh. “Nervous doesn’t begin to describe it.”
“If it makes ya feel any better, Eita is out there makin’ a fool outta himself gettin’ drunk,” Karasu says as he closes the door behind him, locking it to make sure nobody walks in. “Ya haven’t even walked down the aisle yet, I swear.”
“I don’t mind,” Hiori mumbles, running a hand through his hair. “Shidou isn’t goin’ crazy either?”
“Sae’s holdin’ him back,” Karasu mused with a smirk. “You’d think Shidou would calm down at an event like this, but he never seems to have a dull moment.”
“That sounds like him.” He chuckled, gazing at the ceiling.
“Wanna know how Rin is doin’?” Karasu asked, leaning against the wall with crossed arms.
For whatever reason, Rin’s name makes him feel uneasy. He tenses up and his nails dig into the palm of his hands. And he hates himself for it. He’s getting married to him today. He shouldn’t feel so much panic at the thought of it. Why does he feel so much anxiety? Why does he want to cancel this whole thing and run away? Why is he doubting himself so much?
Why doesn’t he want to marry Rin? Does he want this? What does he want right now? Should he even be allowed to get married?
Karasu, due to his analyzing skills, notices Hiori’s discomfort immediately. “You okay?”
“No- yes- I don’t know,” He groans again, frustrated at all of his emotions deciding to pile themselves on top of each other. “I just… I’m not sure what I’m feelin’.”
Karasu tilts his head to the side, narrowing his eyes. “Ya gettin’ cold feet or what?”
“Maybe,” Hiori muttered, lifting his head up and meeting Karasu’s eyes. “I should be happy, right? My weddin‘ is happenin’ right outside that door as we speak and I… I’m havin’ doubts .”
Karasu raised an eyebrow, his curiosity spiking. “Doubts?”
“That’s fucked up, right?” Hiori laughed pathetically. “It’s supposed to be the greatest day of my life and I’m sittin’ here trying to figure out why the hell I don’t want to do this.”
“Everyone has their reasons.” Karasu shrugged, letting out a long breath. “Ya really don’t wanna marry Rin, though? I thought you guys were, like, y’know,”
“I do want to marry him- or maybe I don’t? I don’t know!” He clamped his eyes shut, bringing his hand up to loosen up his tie. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Rin. I’m sure of that. I want to do this, more than anything, but what if…”
Would marrying Rin make us happy? Would it make him happy?
His parents start to slither their way into his head again. He remembers how their marriage ended. Fake and built up on lies and deception. Maybe there was a time in their lives when they actually loved one another and weren’t filled with so much hatred. Were they happy before? Or did they get together out of pure convenience?
Hiori shouldn’t worry about this now. Not on his wedding day. His parents weren’t invited, of course. Hiori cut them off a long time ago when he finally decided what he wanted in life. Even if he decided to continue playing soccer, he already knew his parents would never have genuine love for him.
It’s no secret that Hiori loves Rin with all of his heart and soul. This is the exact reason he wonders why he doesn’t want to walk down that aisle and see Rin standing at the end. Why doesn’t he want this? How fucked up is he that he doesn’t even want to marry him?
“What if ya end up fuckin’ it up?” Karasu finished his sentence for him, making Hiori perk his head up with wide eyes. “You’re pretty easy to read.”
It suddenly all clicks. The puzzle pieces start to connect on their own.
Hiori doesn’t want this marriage to end up like his parents. That’s why he’s so scared. He doesn’t want his and Rin’s love to fizzle out over time and they grow to hate each other. How is he supposed to cope if that becomes a reality? How was he supposed to go on?
Trick question, he wouldn’t be able to. The idea of him turning out exactly like his parents terrifies him. He would rather stab a knife through his chest than ever live in a world where he’s forced to become just like them.
Maybe that’s why he feels the need to run away from his wedding. He can feel the impending doom that’s approaching the moment he stands in front of Rin, saying the words “I do.”
“I’m not ready for this,” His heart rate starts to pick up as he looks into the palms of his hands. He can slowly feel the panic in his chest rising at an alarming rate. As the realization seeps into his skin, he starts to see why he is so filled to the brim with fear in the first place. With one simple glance at the mirror again, his breathing quickens like never before. “I’m gonna become just like my family. I can't do this.”
He stands up from his chair and walks to the door, but Karasu stops him with a worried expression on his face. He must look hysterical for his friend to be so alarmed. “Woah, where are ya goin’?”
“I can’t be here, this is wrong,” He stammers out as the fog in his head starts to kick in. The room around feels as if it’s getting smaller and Karasu blurs in his vision. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”
Karasu grabs him firmly by his shoulders, looking at him sternly. Concerned, but he still has that strict tone of voice whenever Hiori is lost in his own thoughts. “Yo. No . Don’t do this.”
“This is all wrong , Tabito,” Hiori repeats, his throat closing in on itself. He feels like a broken record saying the same things over and over again. “What the hell was I thinkin’? Why did I think this was a good idea? Why did I think I could do this? Why didn’t you stop me from goin’ through with this?!”
“Yeah, sure. Blame me for it,” Karasu rolled his eyes, pushing Hiori down to sit back in the chair calmly. He takes a deep breath before staring at Hiori dead in his eyes. “Listen. Don't delude yourself into thinkin’ this is wrong. You said you love Rin, right?”
Hiori nodded nervously. Even if he’s having a crisis, he knows the answer to that without any hesitation. “More than anythin’.”
“Then just think about that,” Karasu says as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. “Don’t think about how ya believe the two of you are gonna end up like your parents because y’know what that is?”
“…What?”
“It’s stupid.”
Hiori doesn't know why he expected Karasu to say something philosophical or comforting in any way. Maybe because Karasu is his best friend, best man, and the person who’s supposed to be walking him down the aisle, so he hoped for at least a little bit of reassurance, not to be straight-up insulted.
Hiori scoffed, lightheartedly pushing him away. “I expected you to say somethin’ nice.”
“I’m just sayin’,” He took a step back, giving Hiori space. “It’s stupid.”
Hiori pressed his lips together in a thin line of annoyance. “I heard ya fine the first time.”
“You don’t really think you and Rin are gonna turn out like your parents, right?” Questioned Karasu with an attentive glance. “Because again, it’s stupid.”
“Stop callin’ me stupid.”
Karasu sighed loudly as if he saw this coming. “Ya have somethin’ good with Rin, don’t ruin it because of your fears.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me how scary this would be?” He whispered under his breath, his breathing slowly starting to come back at a normal pace. “I knew what I was doin’ when I wanted to get married, but I- now that I’m here, it’s real . Once I walk down that aisle, Rin is stuck with me.”
“He wouldn’t have proposed to ya if he didn’t want to be stuck with ya,” Karasu responded. “Besides, Rin is head over heels in love with you, it’s probably his dream to be stuck with ya. Haven’t you also been wantin’ this?”
Hiori shook his head and pressed his palms to his forehead in frustration. “I know Rin is in love with me, that’s the thing! How am I supposed to know if this is right?!”
“But you want to stay with Rin, right? You love him?”
“Of course!”
“So what the hell are ya worryin’ about?” Karasu asks again. “You love each other. What else is there to think about?”
“Our life after this wedding’,” Hiori mutters, his voice trembling after each word. “How am I supposed to know if it’ll all turn okay? How am I supposed to be sure that this isn’t gonna end up in a dumpster fire?”
“Ya don’t,” Karasu folded his arms across his chest again with a dismissive glance. “It’s all about trustin’ your partner.”
Hiori laughed pitifully. “What are ya talkin’ about?”
“Ya trust that you and Rin aren’t gonna end up anythin’ remotely close to what your parents are like because y’know what?”
Hiori narrowed his eyes. “…What?”
“The two of you?” Karasu chuckled, pressing a finger to Hiori’s forehead. “Nothin’ like them. You of all people should know that.”
“How can ya be so sure? I mean,” Hiori pushed Karasu’s hand away and looked down at his hands, sweaty and anxious. “I might not be like my parents now, but what about in the future?”
“That’s why I said you need to trust in that love ya have for Rin.” He replied. “Nobody knows what will happen in the future, it’s impossible to predict since everythin’ is always changin’. That’s why marriage is such a big deal. Ya don’t know what the future holds for you, but still go with it because y’know why?”
Hiori slowly glanced up, gazing at his friend with stars in his eyes. “Why?”
“Because of love , ya idiot.” He smirked. “Who the hell cares about the future, Yo? The present is right in front of ya, so don’t focus on what’s gonna happen ten years later down the line because ya know what? It doesn’t matter right now! You’re about to become an itoshi for God’s sake!”
Hiori manages to laugh, the weight being lifted from his shoulders a little bit. “Soon, you’ll have to refer to me as Itoshi.”
“Don't push it, we’ve been friends for too long for me to get reduced to last names again.” Karasu gave him an unimpressed look. “It doesn’t matter if you're still scared or nervous after this whole conversation because I will be draggin’ ya down the aisle myself if ya don’t go.”
Hiori snickered and shook his head with a grin. “Don’t act all tough now. I saw ya cryin’ out there.”
“That wasn’t because of you!” Karasu yelled out defensively, his cheeks reddening. “I was- somethin’ got in my eyes, that’s all.”
“Oh, I’m sure.” He says, tossing an amused glance toward him. “Don’t try to cry too much when ya walk me down the aisle. You’re not a pretty crier.”
“Shut your trap.” Karasu gave an exaggerated eye roll before, a smile lifting on his lips. “So? Still too chicken? Or are ya gonna let your past drag ya down even further?”
Hiori smiled contently, standing up and glimpsing at himself in the mirror once more to tidy himself up. “I’m ready. Thanks, Tabito.”
“Someone had to be here to keep ya in check.”
“Ya better catch my bouquet. I wanna attend you and Eita’s weddin’ next.”
“Be quiet and get out there.”
______
The sun setting below the beach is always a peaceful sight to see.
Hiori is glad he has a friend like Karasu to give him a reality check because otherwise, he wouldn’t be here.
He stands with Rin on the balcony of the hotel room, the two of them sharing an intimate moment of staring at the sunset. They don’t say much, but there are a million silent words spoken in the atmosphere that only they can hear. Private sentences that are reserved for them and no one else. As Hiori shuffles close to Rin, the tranquil mood sets itself. Rin leans into Hiori’s touch as Hiori’s hand travels down to intertwine his fingers together with Rin’s.
The silver wedding bands fit Hiori’s ring finger perfectly. As if it was meant to be there. It’s a bit hilarious to think that he was in the dressing room on the day of his wedding freaking out about this so much. Now that it’s finally over and he’s in the eyes of Rin once again, he starts to realize how silly he was being.
Karasu was right in every shape and form. Hiori won’t ever tell him that, though. He’ll take it to his head and get a huge ego. Hiori won’t ever let him forget that he cried when walking him down the aisle.
He and Rin look at each other and under his gaze, Hiori realizes he’s not Hiori anymore. Instead, he’s an Itoshi from now on out and he couldn’t have been happier.
Yo leans in to capture Rin’s lips against his. Almost instantly, he feels Rin’s hand rest against his waist, pulling him in closer while the other one squeezes his hand slightly tighter. He returns the kiss with just as much passion, his thumb brushing against his ring.
Yo sighs into the kiss, their breaths lingering in the space between them when they separated. None of them were in a rush to do anything, this moment remained sacred for the two of them. The second Rin pushed forward once more, gently kissing Yo again, Yo answered by melting into him. Slow and unhurried, having all the time in the world, they found no need to hurry. It was just them in the tiny space that they shared, a quiet understanding between both of them.
In a world of Yo’s fears, Rin is the fire that burns it all away.