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007n7 could count exactly a year since he began to feel unbearable guilt, a sudden weight on his shoulders that almost crushed him on impact, it wasn't something he carried well, what others could ignore; he felt to an excruciating degree. He figured long ago he struggled with carrying such emotions through out his chaotic existence and within that struggle he decided something cataclysmic, something that would require more commitment than any dirty line of work he ever entered. He recalled finishing college alongside Noli all those years ago, he recalls the promises they made to each other, the memories of every night they spent together accompanying that. The warmth this previously brought him had long disappeared, every fault that was previously blinded with the influence of his friend had been replaced by something terrible, it made him sick in the head. 007n7 was aware his life had been in turmoil, with this he often wished he was someone else, someone like Noli maybe, someone who could push away such emotions and ignore the way it hurt but no, he just had to be spiritually devoted to his morals.
"Dad?" He supposed it somewhat lined up with the adoption of his son, it didn't take long for the poor kid to be influenced terribly, to blame it on environmental factors would be insulting he knew he was at fault, no one but him was to blame for however his boy turned out. There was still time to change this he hoped, deciding earlier that month that he wasn't going to settle on needless self pity, if there was one thing his dear friend had taught him in goodwill it was that there's always time, change only becomes fruitless in death.
"Dad!!" So here he was, changing, it didn't take him long to send out countless apologies, he wasn't expecting replies, just a notification that they'd been read at least, he knew all too well that forgiveness was something to be earned; not handed out at to sinners.
"Dad, I remember this place!" Coolkid chimed, he hyperactively jumped into rain puddles ahead of their path, 007n7 smiled at the sight, his son ought to be living his life like any other kid his age, no not 'ought to be', he deserved to.
"Yeah." 007n7 blanky responded, his mind elsewhere as they sauntered along at a drowsy pace.
"Dad, aren't we not allowed here anymore?" Coolkid asked, placing a finger to his mouth as he stopped in his tracks a few meters away from the entrance, 007n7 took the small kid's hand into his, the poor boy was shivering from the rain, he knew he should've brought them raincoats. 007n7 combed his free hand through his damp unkept hair before answering.
"That's why we came after hours, I just need to drop of a letter." 007n7 explained, a letter, nice and personal, its the least he could do for the purest of his victims, he'd never felt such regret before in his life when he found out about Elliot's situation, the guy was hardworking and provided expecting nothing in return, it was beyond reason for him to have been hurt by the exploiters careless actions. 007n7 sighed at the thought, the letter wouldn't fix anything, nor would it put his soul to rest.
"Cmon kid." It was shameful but he still remembered how to break into the pizzeria without having to use the front door, there had been a faulty line of code in the back half of the building that never got fixed, conceiving one of the walls as 'clippable', easy access, he made note of this in the letter, hopeful that the owner may perhaps fix the vulnerable bug. He clipped in with ease, a tight grip on his sons hand as he did so, not wanting the boy to get hurt by mistake.
"I remember this room!" Coolkid exclaimed, excitedly dashing into the main dining area unable to contain his elation as he jumped about, 007n7 smirked to himself at the sight, at least the memories were fondly remembered by one of them. Focused what he came here for he turned to the cash register at the front, he recalled that Elliot occasionally worked it if they were low on staff, the guy was incredibly diligent and selfless from what he could piece together, his heart sank, how unlucky for them to have met in such a way. 007n7 sighed, it was selfish of him to imagine another life where they could've got along. He took a deep breathe before placing the soggy envelope into the register, the action felt heavy as he took a weighty step back, his absolution had began.
"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when, oh I know we'll meet again some sunny day!" An all too familiar voice sang out, the hair on the back of 007n7's neck stood up, the weather wasn't helping as an atmospheric flash of lighting lit the room, he slowly turned to meet the intruder; who's face wore an expression nothing short of adoration.
"It's been too long dear." Noli exclaimed, the jester was either trembling with excitement or shivering because of the cold, 007n7 couldn't weigh out which was more likely with the unpredictable nature of his friend. Considerably more unpredictable was this chance meeting, which 007n7 figured the likelihood of was low having not seen his friend in many months, the only news that travelled of Noli being rumour and myth, most of which he refused to believe.
"Noli." 007n7 finally replied, offering his best smile, he felt uncharacteristically nervous towards his friend's drastic aesthetic switch, he was aware Noli was always theatrical but this was a massive deviance even for him, if he wasn't just about to ruin everything they ever had he might've even complimented the other's dashing appearance.
"I remember when you first took me for fine dining." Noli began, undoubtedly for a long rant.
"Well, fine dining is a stretch, I suppose I was just so used to pot noodles in our dorm room that a shabby local pizzeria seemed quite fancy, I suggested we leave without paying, no clip out of there before the bill arrived, of course you were resistant to my methods at first but eventually out we ran, hand in hand." Noli continued, his voice sounded dreamy as if he was calling back to the best moment of his life, he stepped closer to 007n7's who flinched slightly at the notion.
"And now here you are, running from me." Noli finished, his smile dropping as the jester mask's expression drooped cartoonishly low, it was almost frightening, had he been a stranger 007n7 would've felt alarmed. Noli narrowed his moonless eyes at the other, 007n7 considered the stark difference they shared now, being Noli still actively exploiting, they were no longer on the same level, an imbalance formed perhaps a dangerous one.
"I'm not running from you, I was running from myself, I'm trying to change." 007n7 reiterated, he tried his best to sound earnest, eyes shifting nervously around spotting his son who was sneaking away to the kitchen ignoring the entrance of the jester, coolkid was perhaps too young to remember Noli from his pillbaby days, was Noli even safe for his son to be around now that he was cleansing his sinful life 007n7 pondered.
"You can't possibly change how you feel though, I changed that, you couldn't change yourself when we first met, you needed that push, without me think what would've happened to you in college." 007n7 raised an eyebrow to the harrowing claim.
"Are you saying I had no conscious decision in any of this, was I absent minded in my previous life?" 007n7 retorted, prepared to argue his case, Noli quickly backed down raising a hand in defence.
"No, I'm saying we brought out the best in each other, ever since I've been absent you've been a mess, what good will cutting everything off do? You'll never find anyone else like me." Noli was right, 007n7 knew he couldn't chase down an iota of what Noli made him feel, that's what made his dear jester so special, the way Noli voiced it however resulted in a realisation. Past tense, was their relationship past tense, they never officially stopped being partners in any sense but it truthfully had deteriorated with absence.
"I've accepted my redemption requires isolation, its a suitable punishment. " 007n7 replied, feeling defeated within the discussion.
"I suppose, however lets say this... you can say anything you need to say to me whilst we are in here and as soon as we leave you can start your whole 'No hacks, no exploits, I wish to be a shell of my former self' pilgrimage shit, sounds good?" Noli asked, although it was more of a final request considering the nature of the situation, it wasn't a half bad idea 007n7 considered, besides the pizzeria didn't open for another 6 hours at least, plenty of time to talk, who was he to deny it.
"Quality time with my favourite jester, have I ever said no?" 007n7 answered light-heartedly, not bothering to hide the affection within his tone as he gave the other a more genuine smile in response, Noli clasped his hands together in delight, an exciting ordeal for the jester.
"Excellent, I missed you dearly, say it wouldn't be too much for you to tell the kid not to bother us."
"Uh sure." 007n7 replied, unsure about the nature of the request.
"Listen they installed a play area in the back I'm pretty sure, just chuck him in there." Noli shrugged, carefully choosing one of the diners countless seats to sit at, a preoccupation until the other returned 007n7 recognised, pressing on with the others request as he entered the kitchen. Whoever had been left to clean the area up had done a piss poor job 007n7 noted as he carefully took a step in the rather untidy space, he discovered c00lkid organising a bunch of utensils; he seemed particularly curious about the pizza cutter much to 007n7's alarm.
"That's sharp kiddo." 007n7 reprimanded, picking up the smaller boy with ease and carefully removing the object from his son's hands. He carried him hastily over to the play area the small boy giggling as 007n7 skipped with each step.
"In ya' go." 007n7 ushered, as he carefully placed c00lkid down giving the boy a light push to run along, the pizzeria had recently installed the place after a drastic increase in customers, a fine addition he thought to himself watching his boy dive straight into a multi-coloured tunnel, before he left to enter the main dining room again he snuck a quick glance inside, Noli sat there waiting, that dastardly smile that rarely left the other's face adorning him, 007n7 still couldn't choose whether it was charming or uncanny, he took a final deep breathe before entering.
"Hey!" 007n7 called out announcing his return before hastily seating himself next to Noli who was resting his chin on his hand's his attention drawn to something outside that 007n7 couldn't make out, the rain which had been violently hitting the glass effectively blurring his vision worse than it already was, upon feeling the additional weight on the seat Noli turned to face his friend.
"So, what are you gonna miss about me most be honest!" Noli asked with an almost adolescent glee, 007n7 frowned at the unseriousness of the expression paired with the grave question.
"Can we not talk about that, I was rather hoping this could be nice, all things considered." 007n7 begged, massaging the temple of his forehead, a dull ache already forming, he felt a light hand stroke the back of his hair as he peeped a look at his friend, he met Noli's starlit face, closer then it had been before.
"You didn't want to talk? Why didn't you just say so?" Noli asked, almost promiscuous in tone as he used his free hand to stroke the side of 007n7's cheek. There was an undisguisable longing in the gesture that 007n7 recognised all too well as he felt the expected press of Noli's soft lips against his, the warmth that always accompanied such action pooled into his stomach, it was exactly how he felt in college all over again, it never changed even when his soulmate was kissing him in a dingey pizzeria. Noli cut the kiss short pulling away from the other, he might've been far gone in a sense but he wasn't heartless.
"Are you okay with this?" Yes 007n7 thought to himself, however the words that left his mouth were always rebuking his self-centred thoughts, as if what he wanted was downright sinful.
"I really think we should talk." 007n7 felt his voice shake as he replied, watching Noli's pupils dilate, the other was hard to read to most but even in his smallest of gestures 007n7 always knew exactly how Noli was and Noli was disappointed in his response.
"I have nothing to say to you." Noli replied, his cheeks puffing out as he quietly huffed like a child who wasn't getting their way, 007n7 always found this trait rather endearing in a strange way.
"How about this, you say what you need to say, I'll listen." Noli suggested, slowly moving himself onto the others lap which achieved a small yelp from 007n7 not expecting the action, he quickly shifted his position so that Noli could access the others rather scrawny physique with ease, he wasn't about to ruin all of this further by letting Noli accidentally slip of off his lap. Noli buried his head into the others neck, laying occasional soft kisses against it, this was a common sort of affection they used to give each other, Noli especially enjoyed it finding himself particularly ticklish in this area, the memory of this almost brought a smile to 007n7's face despite the others rushed or rather hurried affections, like he had somewhere else to be.
"Listen, I want to do this with you, I always do but if its going to be the last time we ever talk to each other like this again I need to hear something from you." Noli paused against 007n7's neck upon hearing this, resting his eyes. There was something solemn about all of this, every previous affection shared between the two had been backed with such adoration but such actions now felt urgent and sped through like Noli was slipping away from him even faster than before, he feared if he closed his tired eyes following in Noli's steed the other might just disappear when he woke up. A new sort of fear that him and Noli had never considered before this, permanent separation.
"I know, I don't think anything I say is going to express what I think." Noli explained, he didn't shower the other with further affection, instead settling for just laying there silently against his friend, something they had often done together when Noli had been overwhelmed, 007n7 pondered how upset Noli really was, he had his perfect life now after all, 007n7 just happened to not be a part of it. 007n7 also recognised if he was to stress his concerns now it would be fruitless, this was what Noli had wanted from the start, this occult shit, it was never about them.
"That's fine." 007n7 felt desperate tears prick the corner of his eyes as he spoke, he didn't want to do this now, it should've waited, in fact he preceded that Noli was going to be a permanent part of his life prior to this, since the moment they met he had at least hoped so and how far had hope got him. 007n7 gently rubbed the others back, carefully as he always had, like Noli was something precious or valuable, time had seemed to stop around them, the room felt colder than before and the lights dimmer, the only hope now was that the past year of his life had been a fever dream, that somewhere in reality him and Noli lay someplace safe and welcome.
"I'm sorry." Noli finally spoke, 007n7 tightened his grip on the other.
"You have nothing to apologise for, its my decision." 007n7 answered honestly.
"No I mean, I can't say anything, anything that will truly stick with you for the rest of your time, nothing that will make you change your mind like I used to able to."
"You could always try." 007n7 offered.
"At the end of films when the main characters part ways, one of them always says something I remember." Noli compared, 007n7 thought about that, were they like that or was Noli just searching for that escape from reality like he always had been, he prayed by some chance this occult madness had failed him in some way from implication of what he said, that the other would chase after him, beg him to stay, it was immoral to desire.
"I think everything you've done for me will stick with me, haunt me even." 007n7 voiced with a half hearted laugh, his smile fading as he considered the fragile state of his mind and how weak he had been without Noli, it had only been a month, he was going to need to learn to manage on his own for the rest of his life, the last thing he wanted to do was burden his own child with past mistakes. The task somehow felt downright impossible, or was that his own iniquitous actions in the present manipulating his decision, he was dancing with the devil after all.
"I don't want to haunt you, you make it sound like I'll be dead." Noli replied, trailing a careful finger along 007n7's chest, causing the others breath to hitch, 007n7 reckoned he could fall asleep just like this, of course slumber would threaten his mind in a time like this, he just felt this way around Noli, endless nights spent together influenced this, deep down he knew that's all he really wanted to do, fall asleep and wake up in the others arms.
"Maybe the old versions of ourselves died." 007n7 suggested, he thought it an astute observation considering he completely changed his path in life and Noli was a lost cause in whatever he had gotten himself swept into.
"And these new versions can't be together." Noli concluded, 007n7 refused to answer that, deep down he still wanted Noli, whether it was mutual he dare not ponder. He recognised that wanting and needing were two different things and what he needed to do was repent and fix his nefarious life with what little time he may have life and in such an acute state of paranoia Noli had lost all priority to him.
"My love must be some kind of blind love then because I can't see anyone but you." Noli added, 007n7 felt his heart skip a beat, his lovestruck expression meeting Noli's, the confession had eased the tension. 007n7 felt so youthful again, if the seats weren't so cold 007n7 would've closed his eyes and imagined grass, their souls entwined dancing in the moonlight, a warm campus night of dear memory to him.
"I guess what I'm saying is, if you ever need me again, I'd still feel the same." Noli assured, lifting his head from resting against 007n7's chest, a light stretch outwards as he did so. 007n7's expression twisted into that of horror in assumption that the other was taking a sudden exit.
"Don't go."
"I was just stretching, are you ok?" Noli queried with concern as he glanced 007n7 up and down, analysing the others body language in case he refuted an answer. 007n7 shook his head, ashamed the truth would break any promise he previously made to himself, to his son. Was loving the other a sin? He wondered this often they lay together in no church, it wasn't blasphemous just hopeless. 007n7 supposed Noli had been like a religion to him prior to this, he followed his friend mindlessly like a sheep, never questioning until the damage was far too much, Noli had shielded his vision with prayers and stained glass windows, had someone shattered this illusion sooner what would've happened? Was their relationship truly as fragile as glass, even those who did not believe in a higher being such as the great Telamon would shatter a church window; for something so divine is precious in a value that can be assigned not a number but a feeling. Noli gave him this feeling.
"Hey cmere." Noli as if he understood exactly what the other needed shifted his position slightly so he could hold the other instead, it was rather awkward with their size difference but this never bothered 007n7, there were times in college he woke up in the others arms without even remembering being enwrapped in them in the first place; his eyes fluttered at this.
"Your great pilgrimage doesn't have to start if we don't leave." Noli hushed, almost pleadingly, 007n7 knew so as he curled into Noli's grasp succumbing to everything, it didn't matter to him in such a welcoming warmth, a sentiment that felt like home.
"Any of the pizzeria staff will remove us if they see me here, especially that Elliot." Noli laughed upon hearing this.
"Let em try." Noli teased, his hands twitching in anticipation much to the pacifistic 007n7's disapproval who let out a muffled groan into the others chest.
"Please Noli, no more of that stuff."
"Alright, alright, I promise starlight." Noli whispered, stroking 007n7's hair as he spoke, 007n7 mumbled something inaudible into the others chest, his breath slowing as he allowed his sweet dreams to envelope him. Noli didn't sleep, he stayed awake re-enacting every single day together with 007n7 in his mind, he wasn't about to forget anything, for the crime of loving was forgetting.
He who loved the most, hurt the most.