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Betty had warned you against keeping secrets from your team once, but you've never known how to be honest. You'd considered telling someone back then, but you had always frozen before the words could leave your mouth.
And now it's too late.
You're not sure when the line was crossed, exactly, but you're far past the point of no return by now. You can't take anything you've done back, only own up to it all or keep up the ruse.
You'd said once that you had no regrets. This would all be so much easier if that was true.
Despite everything, you care about your team. You disagree with what they're doing, sure, but... you're attached. And this feels more genuine than what you felt on day 1.
It's strange to think about that part -- your feelings for Leoo when you got revived were intense, after all -- but that was... reverence, almost. A fleeting crush that elevated him on a pedestal far out of your reach. Now, though? You've seen his flaws. And now that you're past the resentment, it's hard to feel anything but guilt.
Betty and Nara praise you for what you've done, thank you while insulting Leoo, and while you might have agreed with them during the peak of your anger, now you can only nod along silently. You got him killed and you lied the whole time. You almost got him killed a second time, even, all while wearing the backup set that he made for you.
The sliver of spite that remains, deep in your heart, whispers that it's a good thing. That this is what Leoo deserves for abandoning you. That you've done nothing wrong. You want nothing more than to listen to it, to believe that you're doing the right thing, but you don't know if you can keep justifying this
It's for the good of the server, you think, but you killed over 30 villagers too. You helped find these bases. It's for the good of the server, but you're nothing more than a hypocrite, traitor, and liar.
You can't see a world where you don't end up alone.
And still, you keep your mouth shut. Pretend to agree with what Leoo is saying while whispering his thoughts to his enemies. Your enemies, or so everyone think.
What are you even doing anymore? How did it come to this point? And, most of all, who are you now?
No one looks kindly on traitors. Betty and Nara may say you're doing the right thing, but you've seen how they talk about Blue. And aren't you doing the same thing to Leoo right now? Why should you be let off easy? Why should you be an exception
There was a time you believed your actions were right, but you don't know how to justify this anymore.
Maybe you should just stop caring. Maybe you never cared in the first place? That can't be right, but maybe it is. You decided to help Betty on a whim, after all. Did any of this mean anything to you?
You just wanted to be needed. To have worth. To be important enough that you wouldn't be tossed aside. And now you think you've done too much.
Maybe it was better to be irrelevant. Maybe it's better to be alone. Maybe you need to stop caring. Maybe you need to let go.
The only problem is, you don't know how.