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The pressure in his head was overwhelming, the right side of his face was pulsating from tight fresh bandages, he couldn't do anything but sit on an uncomfortable blue chair provided by the staff and stare at Mirio resting on the blindingly white hospital bed, the guilt was eating him alive.
“What..?” he mumbled
“Unfortunately, the bullet that struck him wasn't the same kind that you dealt with. A quirk destroying bullet stripped him of his powers until further notice.”
“Wouldn’t Chisaki have the antidote or something?”
The nurse sighed “I wouldn't know, we can't help him beyond physical injuries, im sorry”
The conversation replayed in his head, the scenes from the attack on Overhaul, his fight with the three men that kept him occupied while Mirio risked his life and sacrificed his quirk to save that girl. He should’ve been there, despite numerous pro heroes students once again dominated the battle and were put in danger.
Tamaki knew it wasn’t his job or expected of him to do more than he already achieved during the fight, but seeing Mirio helpless, falling in and out of consciousness in a hospital bed broke his heart, the battered look didnt suit him. He almost broke down carrying his body to the ambulance that day.
It was the prohero’s job to take the lead, but Mirio’s determination and fortitude pushed him to the front of the havoc and he suffered the consequences of his bravery.
Tamaki didn’t blame him, he never could, he blamed himself for not predicting what the other was about to do and stuck to his side in case he needed additional support. He knew Midoriya kid was present, but he was a first-year. Tamaki was apart of the god damn big three and couldn't even save his boyfriend.
Annoying clock ticking pulled Tamaki out of his head and made him focus on the usually sun-kissed hair, which now lay flat and disheveled around Mirios' head.
He was asleep, has been for a while, but Tamaki doesn't feel like socializing with his roommates at the hospital, so he sits and wallows in his own shame and pity.
It was stupid, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but feel like it's somehow his fault, he could've prevented this if he was stronger. He brushed off positive comments and compliments from Fatgum and Kirishima, they had to say that or else he would shrivel up and die from embarrassment, then what's he good for. He didnt believe the media either, they say whatever gets them a better reaction.
“You were such a badass out there man!” Kirishima beamed from his bed, wrapped like a mummy
Tamaki shifted “Thanks..” his eyes drifted to the floor subconsciously examining the glistering tiles.
“No seriously man! We left you alone with three villains and you beat them to a pulp, you’re so manly! Even the lady on the news says so!” he felt everything but
His eyes wandered back to the sleeping body, obscured by the shadows of the setting sun that fell further down with every minute. Tamaki was comforted seeing the other safe and somewhat calm. The past few days since Eri’s rescue mission have been rough. Sir Nighteye’s death impacted Mirio greatly. The two were close, he looked up to the man, and seeing him in that hospital bed, using his last words on him, well, even Mirio wasn’t strong enough to conceal his anguish.
He put up a smile for others but Tamaki knew, because Mirio didnt hide from him, his plan to become an ‘outstanding hero’ was real, but so were his emotions. He believed in Sir Nighteye’s words, but the impact of it all, of having to take a temporary leave from school, it was a lot.
Despite the mental struggles, Mirio will be released the following day, unlike Tamaki who still had a few nights left at the hospital. It was partially the reason he now sat there, monitoring the other. He had to make sure he was okay.
His visit was cut short when another nurse came back to check the sleeping boy's vitals and nicely asked Tamaki to leave the room, he obliged, but not before giving Mirio another quick look over, as if he would notice something wrong that the nurse wouldn't. He lowered his head and retreated to his room.
The other two men he shared the room with were focused on the news currently being broadcast on the shared TV, he took the opportunity and laid down pretending to sleep for the next hour before actually passing out around 8 PM.
Next few days at the hospital were spent uselessly lounging around and being forced to ‘chitchat’ with his extroverted roommates. He was fond of the two, but it was hard to wallow in guilt and self-pity with two symbols of hope in the same room as him.
Kirishima would tell them about their antics in the dorms and school, another stupid thing Denki did, or how Bakugo almost exploded the building again. He could tell the redhead loved his friends and couldn’t help but wonder if anyone ever spoke about him like this.
–
His life as a free man after being released was different than how he remembered. Everyone around him was on guard at all times, the school upped their security and Eri was staying with them. Apparently, Overhaul was kidnapped by the League of Villains, but they were told it was none of their business and the best thing they could do was stay safe. Tamaki agreed, he couldn't help during a rescue mission, let alone a battle, he was useless just like the poor chicken he consumes, both mindlessly wandering the world.
The tension around him didnt help with the feeling of uselessness, everyone seemed so busy and with a purpose, he felt left out and out of place. Tamaki didnt share his feelings with anyone, they have enough troubles without his complaints. And it was mostly a physical problem, no one was gonna train for him or get stronger in his name, he had to do that alone.
In terms of school work, nothing changed, he did his mandatory patrol hours, homework, and training. He had to take extra hours at the agency due to Fatgum’s injuries but he didnt mind, quite the opposite, he loved having a job, a reason to get up, an opportunity to help others and show he wasn’t another useless rescue hero.
–
Tamaki was sitting in a lounging area of the school, a tucked away corner in the cafeteria not many visited. He was finishing up a mock report for one of his hero classes before heading out to practice. He wanted to experiment with more different foods and their abilities. The lady at the supermarket probably thought he was making a feast with the amount of different meat he bought.
Not so quiet footsteps and giggling interrupted the quiet scribbling of the pen. He discreetly took a peek, hiding behind his hair when a tiny figure popped up from the other side, scaring him. He yelped, jerking in his seat as Eri and Mirio showed themselves, giggling aggressively.
“I told you he’d fall for it” Mirio said to the girl as she gave him a shy high five.
“What are you doing here..?” he asked hesitantly, not expecting them at this hour.
“Don’t want company? But we came all this way, dont be like that, “ The blonde teased.
“No! It’s just late, I didnt know you were here…” They haven't seen much of each other these past few days, with Mirio being mostly off campus and Tamaki’s extra training, they didnt have free time to waste.
“Well, Eri and I are having a sleepover and decided to look for you” he asked, using a childish voice.
“Oh, sorry Mirio, I can't -” He was about to say how he didnt have time to join them, maybe another time, but the other cut him off.
“ Do you have any chips? All the stores are closed and we dont have any change for the vending machine?” He wasn't even invited, how embarrassing…
“Sorry, I dont but..” He watched Eri’s smile fade but Mirio cut him off before he could finish, he usually waited until he finished speaking even if it took him a while to get out the whole sentence..
“Oh that’s fine, we could ask class 1a, they have that boy who makes all kinds of delicious foods” The girl’s face lit up, she's still getting used to other people treating her nicely, so even small words of comfort were huge to her.
The pair left shortly after, without Mirio even asking him what he was doing so late, it was fine, he was busy with Eri. Tamaki didnt care.
–
Oh but he did, he cared so much that the repressed feeling of guilt, shame and yearning came out at the same time as the vulture's wings from his back. Tamaki flew above the trees, jumping from a branch to another using the bird's feet to stabilize and kick off.
Why was something always wrong with him? He didnt deserve his place in the big three, he was a trainwreck of emotions constantly weighed down by his feelings. Was he seriously jealous of an abused child? Why was he so selfish and useless, he needed a pep talk before every fight, every minor inconvenience, he hid, he ran. What good hero is afraid of the camera? If you couldn't look someone in the eyes, how are they supposed to believe you’ll protect them in a life or death situation?
The tears blurred his vision, he was deep in the forest now, on the ground surrounded by trees. He didnt care where he was, no one should care. A migraine began to overtake his head as bison horns grew from his head, it was overwhelming.
As soon as he was stable again, he rammed them into a tree. It shook from the force and he could feel the leaves fall on him back. Tamaki quickly pulled his head away and stumbled backwards.
Unexpected urge to obliterate the innocent tree overtook him and he began flying into the tree scratching at it with his legs, which grew claws, and ramming the bison's horns into the bark. There was no technique, no reason behind his attack, it was clumsy and angry.
Tamaki was running on pure adrenaline and emotion, the same emotions he desperately wanted gone. He knew he wasn't useless, realistically, if he got out of his head for a minute, he could recognise his talent and achievements, but the voice in his head said otherwise. He was weak, he couldn’t save anyone if he didnt get his shit together and irritating a head injuring wasnt a way about it.
His breathing was unsteady, he was out of shape, he needed to exercise more, to work harder. Everyone was doing their best, but he needed to catch up, or he would be forgotten forever.
–
One would think after a training session like that, if it could even be called such, Tamaki would be drained and pass out immediately, but his heart was still beating briskly even as he lay flat in bed. Sleep didnt come to him easily these days. He keeps having nightmares about people around him dying.
Being attacked by villains or needing help, but no matter how hard he tries, how fast he runs, he can never reach them. He finds himself shooting up in bed gasping for air in the middle of the night, his back drenched in sweat. In all honesty, he was afraid to sleep.
__
No one questioned his sudden interest in working out and training. No one spared him a glance when he hurried past them after class with a gym bag slumped over his shoulder. Mirio didnt care when he cancelled their rare meetings to join Kirishima in killing the school's practice robots. Nejire happily sparred with him, attacking him from above so he could practise defense.
The younger redhead was overly excited when Tamaki asked for help with working out and getting stronger, he knew the other was passionate about that stuff, and if they were gonna work together at Fatgums agency it would be better if the two were close.
They didnt meet regularly with their busy schedules, but occasionally they would take a chance and destroy the school provided practice dummies.
It was going well, great actually. He began to monitor his diet, Kirishima would talk a lot about getting enough protein, Tamaki didnt care about any of that stuff before. Mirio would joke and say he’s turning into a gym bro and Tamaki would just shy away, he hated being perceived.
The nights were the problem.
Despite numerous hours spent torturing his body, his mind wouldn't shut up. Every night there was a different scene of someone he cared about being hurt, or worse. And all he could do was watch, they, he didnt know who they were, but they would hurl insults and degrading words at him. He never saw them but he could feel their presence looming around as he struggled against the imaginary bounds.
“Useless! How was someone like you even accepted into the UA, this is a prestigious school, you’re an anomaly, couldn’t even save your boyfriend, no wonder he doesn't wanna be around you anymore”
The words would haunt him all night, no matter how many times he woke up, he would always end up there, in a void looking at someone he cares about being hurt, unable to move or scream, if he ran he wouldn't cross an inch.
–
Tamaki’s forearms were aching, he could feel the consequences of his late night training sessions with every slight movement. He was sore, too sore, but he couldn't skip class.
He took a shaky breath, his head hurt a lot, and it was getting worse with every passing second. His vision was going white, and his ears were ringing, he didnt know where he was all of a sudden, he didnt care. Someone was speaking to him, he felt something hard under his face.
Tamaki opened his eyes to a blurry sight of the school gym, someone was firmly holding him by the arm,
‘’Are you alright?” Aizawa asked adamantly, but it sounded like he was underwater, his head was still pounding.
“I’m sorry, sir,” he mumbled, blinking rapidly, he was on he floor, they were in the middle of gym class “I dont know what happened, im sorry” Tamaki muttered again trying to clear his head but the fog and the ringing in his ears wouldn't go away.
Aizawa sighed,” We were stretching, and you lost consciousness”
That was unexpected
“I’m fine..im sorry” he stuttered out getting up slowly, Aizawa eyed him suspiciously “Have you eaten today?” Tamaki nodded
Aizawa just watched him for a second before speaking up, “It’s enough for today, go change and wait for the class to end, we’ll speak then” there was no malice or anger in his voice, but Tamaki was afraid, he didnt like confrontation.
“Do we have to, im busy, what about-” his sentence was cut short
“I’m the teacher here, wait for me until the class ends and we’ll speak, understood?”
He nodded weakly and returned to the changing rooms, his knees were shaky but he managed.
–
Tamaki watched everyone else, including Nejire, leave. She gave him a worried glance before hurrying out, Aizawa and he were the only ones left in the gym at this point, and he had nowhere to run.
“What happened today?” A voice behind him spoke, he quickly turned around, facing the tired man.
“ I don’t know, sir, I swear, im sorry, it won’t happen again,” he profusely apologized, looking at the ground, ashamed.
“How do you know it won’t happen again if you dont know the cause? You can't be slacking off, Tamaki, this is your last year, if you want to be a good hero, you can't neglect your body.”
Tamaki shook his head, “I know, I’ve been training hard, I know there’s a standard I need to meet, I’ll do better,” He insisted, trying to look his superior in the eyes, those cold eyes gave him chills.
“I’m sure you’re trying your best, but I’ve heard from your other teachers you’ve been falling asleep in class and turning in your work late. I may or may not have overheard about your new sessions with Kirishima, I appreciate the effort you are putting in your physical capabilities, but are you taking care of yourself, boy?”
He was quiet for a second, the question confused him “Yeah I've been eating healthier, im experimenting with my quirk and, uh yeah, im fine” the eyebags and sluggish demeanor didnt reflect that.
“Are you sleeping enough, socializing?”
“Uhm” his voice shook, fuck “Well, sleep has been dificult these past few weeks but im maneging, maybe thats why this happened…” he didn’t know what to say, it was the truth, but Aizawa was so scary it felt like he was lying.
“I dont know much about improving that, “ Aizawa joked…? “I suggest going to the nurse about your problem if it's going to impact your performance”
Tamaki agreed and escaped his inquiries a few questions later.
–
He listened to the man and visited the nurse late that day, the sweet old lady berated him for not coming in sooner and gave him some light sleeping pills, at first she suggested melatonin gummies, but without revealing anything about the root of the problem, she went to prescribe him something stronger.
Back in his dorm, he tried doing homework for tomorrow, he couldn’t fall behind even more, but his mind kept drifting to practice, he needed to get serious. These days, attacks were almost expected, and if he had been unprepared, who knows what could have happened. Why was he here if he couldn't be useful and protect them, now that Eri was here, they needed all the help they could get. She was clearly someone of interest to the villains.
“Do you even know how little you contribute to society? Do you ever think about all those alleys and corners you dont check during patrol, for all you know there’s someone just like Eri hiding in them, waiting to be saved, but their hero is afraid, he can't even hold a conversation, let alone save someone's life.”
He was bound to a shapeless object, his arms useless, legs sluggish, he lolled his head to the side inspecting the world around him. It was light, like he was in the overworld, looking down on his loved ones from above. Except the only person he could see was Mirio.
Mirio, his boyfriend since freshmen year, was tied to a tree as a dark figure with an unrecognizable weapon tore at his skin like it was paper. Tamaki tried to scream to no avail.
Blood gushed out, seeping through the blonde's clothes. The figure moved, giving him the full view of the other's body. The knife(?) danced around him until the perpetrator firmly dragged it across Mirio’s arm so deep it reached subcutaneous tissue.
Tamaki’s mouth hung open, he wanted to throw up, he would if we could in this state. In the blink of an eye he found himself closer, too close. The knife was in his hand, it was moving on its own, he pulled every muscle, internally screamed as his hand cut Mirio’s throat.
He knew this wasn’t real, it was just a dream, but he couldn't do anything, he couldn't wake up, he was stuck.
Blood spurt everywhere, dirtying them both, the look on Mirio's face was full of hate, accusatory, “YOU DID THIS!” he screamed without contracting a muscle in his face.
The blonde’s head reclined to the side, half hanging off.
Tamaki shot out of bed while his alarm clock practically yelled at him. He was covered in sweat, his heart felt like it would explode, he could feel every pump of blood rushing through him, through his veins it hurt, he wanted to rip his veins out.
His breathing was panicked, he was sure he would die of a heart attack then and there. He’s not retaking these pills.
–
“So, why the sudden invite?” Mirio asked, handing him an ice cream cone. They were currently in a nearby park on a date after his classes ended for the day, as Tamaki asked for over the phone that morning.
“Missed you” That wasn’t a lie, but a better truth would be that he felt so guilty and scared if he didnt see the other alive and happy he wouldn't survive the day.
Mirio shot him a loving smile and began talking about how Eri and he made muffins, or something like that, Tamaki was too distracted to pay attention. He was happy that the other found joy in something and occupied his days with Eri, they seemed to spend every day together.
What he didnt appreciate were the sudden flashes of Mirio's decapitated head and bone peeking through his arm. Tamaki shivered hard. It made the other pause his story and furrow his eyebrows.
“Are you okay?” he asked, worry filled his voice.
Yeah, yeah dont worry just…tired” he lied “Are you sure, you’ve got a look on your face like you saw a ghost, but I guess you have been working pretty hard lately…” Mirio trailed off looking at him, expectedly
Tamaki wanted to give in, he wanted to tell him about the nightmares, sleepless nights. How useless he always feels and the guilt he carries in his heart. How much his body aches every day after hours of practice, how unloved he feels, like everyone has something he’s missing and no one wants to tell him what it is. How replaceable he realized he is, he’s jealous of a child because she’s Mirio’s new priority, how pathetic.
“Yeah im okay, sometimes I remember everything she went through and…” he trailed off.
“I understand, but she’s strong, for a young girl she's so selfless and mature, Chisak really did a number on her psyche” Now Tamaki felt even worse, why was he such a dick.
The meeting with Mirio did little to ease his mind, but he went about his routine as usual. He wasn’t expected at the agency today so he used that time to meet with Kirishima. They went to one of UA’s designed battlefields, the two have evolved from the gym and stamina to fighting. They knew each other's limits and this was the best way to test that, although it did leave Tamaki with nasty bruises for days to come.
He doesn’t mind the rough treatment, not like the real villains would be gentle, but he despised the questioning glances from his classmates and inquiries from Nejire. He loved her, but she was overbearing at times, he could handle himself just fine.
Tamaki was so deep in thought he didnt notice the other sneaking until-
TWACK!
Something sharp hit him on the side of the head, making his already shaky knees crumble to the floor. The dirt was pleasant for a second before the pain caught up to him and he let out a whiny groan.
A roaring laugh echoed in his skull. Kirishima was standing behind some tall rocks to his left where the attack came from, already holding another piece of the brown hardened minerals. Ignoring the sharp ache he scrambled to his feet and yelped as the rock flew in his direction. He successfully dodged it.
“Is this necessary!?” He questioned, but the other just laughed again
“You said you wanted to be ready for the next potential attack,” Kirishima picked up a few more bigger pieces and with a hardened arm threw them viciously at the other. “The perpetrator won't ask you if you’re ready.”
Tamaki jumped high enough to dodge, wings spurted from his back, tearing the shirt on his back. The red head seemed satisfied for a second before continuing like a tennis ball machine.
They danced around like that for the next hour and a half until Kirishima ran out of things to use as weapons and called a time out.
“That…was the stupidest… fight ever…” Tamaki heaved out, trying to catch his breath, he felt dizzy, and his vision was sort of blurry.
Kirishima just chucked and sprawled on the ground like a starfish. “What are you doing?” he mumbled out.
“Stretching” the red head answered, not bothered by the others ‘out of it’ stare. “That’s not stretching” Tamaki insisted, trying to continue as normally.
To each their own, man, my arms hurt” Wonder why. Tamaki didnt say anything else, his ears were ringing so he decided to lie down too, it wouldn't hurt to calm down a little.
But little turned into a lot when Kirishima's strong arms shook him awake, did he fall asleep, his head hurt.
“Fuck mann, you scared the shit out of me” he whined still holding onto him.
“Did I fall asleep?” His voice was hoarse “You tell me man!” The other loud voice hurt his head, he wanted to go back to sleep.
“I dont know what happened” Tmaki mustered up the energy to get up, “I think it's the best we call it a night” Kirishima agreed.
They sat there for a minute or two more before gathering their things.
Tamaki was halfway out the door when he called out “Good night,” he was feeling the bump on his head already forming and soon to be sore muscles contorting.
“Wait up!”
He didnt, but the other still caught up. “Wanna grab dinner with me?”
Tamaki shook his head, “I have a test tomorrow, and an assignment to finish, sorry.” he chewed the inside of his lip in anticipation, he hated disappointing others but he had a feeling Kirishima asked out of formality.
“Dont worry about it,” he paused, “You sure you’re not overworking yourself?” the red head questioned
Tamaki shook his head “I’m fine”... The two continued walking together in silence towards the dormitories.
“You’re really stretching yourself thin, man.” Kirishima suddenly broke the silence, clearly still hung up on the subject. Tamaki raised an eyebrow “Gym, extra training, school work, friends, school training, I dont know how you do it, I’d die.”
“You’re exaggerating” he breathed out, his throat was dry, it was uncomfortable to speak, so he didnt. The rest of the walk was filled with Kirishima's mindless chatter about something, Tamaki didn't realize how tired he was until the adrenaline wore off. Sweat, ache and exhaustion all clung to him like a leech, he felt disgusting.
–
Showering and dealing with schoolwork took up more time than he expected, he didnt even have time to grab dinner. It was currently 3:27 AM and Tamaki didnt know if there was any point in trying to fall asleep. He had to be awake in 3 hours and with the nightmares, maybe he would be more rested if he just relaxed and didnt think.
But ‘not thinking’ in the middle of the night was a challenge, for anyone but especially his anxiety-ridden brain. Tomorrow was Wednesday, he had 7 classes, a test, an assignment due, probably some extra exercises after his regular classes orchestrated by his masochist teachers. He also had patrol, even tho Fatgum's injuries were minor, he was asked to take extra shifts.
He would be done around 8 PM, leaving no time for gym or anything besides homework and sleep, if the former ever found him.
He checked the clock 3:45, fuck. Mirio.
His brain suddenly drifted to the blonde. He felt like the biggest asshole, both for not seeing his boyfriend more often and feeling replaced by a little girl. He hoped Mirio didn’t mind his sudden busy schedule, they would text occasionally, but with everything going on, texts were rare too. Tamaki didnt mean to be so distant, on the contrary, actually. There were times when all he wanted was to throw himself on a comfy bed and be engulfed by Mirios big, strong arms.
But rest wasn’t going to save anyone, was it, it wouldn’t bring back his boyfriend's quirk or help him get stronger. Tamaki spent enough time being swallowed by emotions and need. Now others needed him, he was going to be a hero that people respected.
Tamaki didn't know when or how he fell asleep but for the first time in weeks, he was awoken by his alarm and not another nightmare. 6:05, He endured around 3 hours of sleep without being plagued by his psyche. Good, that was good, cold water would wake him up and caffeine would keep him awake for the day, he’s got this. Quick revision before the test would refresh his rested mind, everything would be fine.
His hands were shaking, why were his hands shaking? He wasn't scared, or unprepared for the test, his usual anxiety didnt make him shake this much…
Tamaki looked around, everyone was writing, he should be doing so too, but he couldn’t focus. He was dazed, but he needed to get through this, the headache could be ignored, the hunger pain from missed breakfast, but a skating hand and a hazy mind during a test were too interruptive.
He started to panic, he needed to calm down, everything was fine, he had one more side to finish and he could submit the test, forget all about it for a while and have lunch, see Nejire, have fun, he just needed to get through this.
Tamaki felt like he was in slow motion, his neck hurt, his eyes wouldn’t open all the way, was he going crazy, did the others notice? He lifted his hand and started writing. His brain didn't process the questions written in front of him, but his hand still wrote, it was unintelligible to his disoriented mind.
He blinked and suddenly everyone was getting up, he followed. He was in a hallway, Nejire was saying something, “What?” he asked softly.
Her purple eyes examined him “Are you okay?” Her voice was unusually concerned, he didnt want to worry her but he really wasn't, and he admitted so, despite how wrong it felt. Tamaki swore he would be stronger, he didnt need people to baby him anymore, but this was different, at least that's what he told himself.
The two found themselves in the cafeteria, Nejire wanted to take him to the nurse, but he insisted he was just hungry, low blood sugar, and all. She didnt believe him, but it would cause more harm than good to forcefully drag him there.
So they ate in awkward silence, both too preoccupied with their thoughts to listen to someone else's. He didn’t mind it, actually he preferred the silence over nagging questions. Tamaki didnt find Nejire's questions annoying, he found talking about himself awkward and embarrassing, so he stuffed his mouth to appear busy.
The girl eyed him from across the table and finally spoke up when he finished his meal.
“I’m worried about you, Tamaki” her voice was unusually soft and full of care, he knew she loved him but it was still weird when she expressed her concern. He didnt know what to say, he was bad at verbalizing his feelings.
“Oh, im sorry” he blinked
“I support your new lifestyle or whatever, but you’re clearly overdoing it and I can't ignore that, you’re hurting yourself, what's it good if you do more damage on the way to improvement?”
Tamaki was quiet, she had a point, but so did he, and he liked his argument more. He just needed to endure it a little time longer before developing stamina and getting used to it. But Nejire wouldn’t accept that.
“I’ll take it easy from now on”
–
That wasn’t entirely a lie, that afternoon, after school, he got lunch and passed out for 4 hours in his room, unintentionally ignoring training, schoolwork, and the plans to go running with Kirishima. He must’ve been so tired his mind shut off for good and he didn’t dream.
A loud, irritating noise startled him awake, he tried ignoring it but it wouldn’t go away. Giving up on sleep he searched for the cause of his distress and it was Kirishima calling him, fuck.
“Where the hell are you?” he screeched from the other end.
Tamaki cleared his throat awkwardly, “Sorry I fell asleep, I didn't mean to leave u hanging, promise”
“It’s fine dont sweat over it, still wanna come? I can run past the dorms” He really didnt want to, he felt like shit, looked like shit and needed to shit.
“Sure”
It took the redhead less time to come over than desirable, but Tamaki couldn't back out now, maybe a quick run would wake him up. As he walked down the stairs, he could feel every muscle in his body, he was sore, but he just needed to start running and it would go away like it always did.
Except it didnt, not even two minutes after they started jogging, muscles in his stomach started aching. He could barely walk without bending over in pain. What the hell. He shooed Kirishima away saying he’ll catch up but the other didnt listen.
“What happened?”
Tamaki shook his head, “Dont know, it hurts” he practically whined.
Concerned red eyes examined him in silence, “Let’s go back,” but he just shook his head.d
“It’s gonna go away if I continue running, it's fine I just need to get used to it.”
“Tamaki, listen, I admire your dedication but you can’t just out run the pain man, being sore is normal to an extent but you can't push yourself to death.”
What was he saying, if Tamaki didnt push himself, the innocent civilians would die?” he shook his head again “I can go with or without you.” Kirishima was quiet but eventually continued, now at a talking pace to give him time to adjust.
–
Tamaki stared uselessly at the endless pages of homework in front of him, he wasn't thinking about anything, it was midnight and he needed this done for tomorrow, but he just couldn't lift his arm to write, couldn’t be bothered to even try and understand. He was exhausted.
Tears swelled up in his eyes, why was he even crying, he didnt have anything to cry about, he put himself in this situation. He was privileged enough to be sore from working out and overwhelmed with school, he had the opportunity to study at the UA that many couldn't even dream of, he had nothing to complain about.
But logical reasoning didnt convince the tears to stop pouring. Wet notebook and occasional sniffing turned into quiet sobs. He couldn’t help himself, he knew if he went to bed right now he would just have another nightmare, but if he stayed awake he would continue living one.
He was stuck. There was an option to just give up, go back to being average, but how could he ever look Mirio in the eyes after that. How is he supposed to continue living knowing there's little to no benefit from his pitiful title of a hero in training?
Tamaki thought he was prepared to give himself over to the world, to mold himself into what the people needed, but he was wrong, he was too weak. And no one needs a weak hero. Quiet sobs turned into a breakdown weeks in making, he was shaking, clutching his pillow trying to muffle whatever embarrassing sounds he made. It wasn’t fair, why was he always behind everyone? Why couldn't he just focus and do what was expected of him?
With every sob that wrecked his body, pain shot through his back muscles, shoulders, and arms, in turn, it just made him sob even harder. He tried shifting to a more comfortable position but accidentally knocked off a very prized possession.
The plushie he got from Mirio, it kept staring at him from its new place on the floor, mocking him.
Miro was there, he could tell him everything, how he felt, about the nightmares, the pain. And he wanted to, he wanted to get this off his chest and be comforted more than anything, he wanted a hug.
And he could get it, he knew Mirio would pick up no matter the time if Tamaki called, he always had his notifications turned on, but would it be fair to burden him with these pitiful ‘problems’?
It would, he’d already decided his heart was made of stone and his sole existence was burdensome, so what difference does it make if he bothered another person. (Tamaki wouldn’t acknowledge how his heart tightened at the thought of Mirio being annoyed by him).
A text, a paragraph explaining how he feels and apologizing 20 times in a single sentence for nothing and everything. It was almost 1 AM, his hands were shaking and his vision was blurred but a semi coherent explanation and a vent was somehow conquered up, Mirio probably wouldn’t even see it until tomorrow morning, and by then there was a high chance Tamaki already deleted it, it probably wouldve been better if he didnt even send it in the first place.
But he did. The second ‘send’ button made contact with his finger, he threw his phone, not expecting a reply in hours, or never. Tamaki knew it was best to try and sleep at least for a few hours before hellish dreams overtook his subconscious.
Aa ding rang through the room like a bullet. Tamaki’s eyes widened as he scrambled to retrieve his device.
“I’m sleeping over with Eri, be there in 10” fuck, fuck him fuck everyything he wasn’t actually supposed to reposed, at least not until Tamaki was coprehanable and not a mess of weeks long pent up emotions surfacing all at once.
His heartbeat sped up drastically, he was terrified, he didnt want Mirio to come, he wanted an idea of Mirio to hold him and tell him it's going to be fine. Tamaki never wanted to spill his emotions to a real human being.
He began sobbing again.
Tamaki didnt even notice a soft knock on the door and the hinges creaking as it opened, too busy choking on his tears.
If it was an intruder he would've been dead by now, but (un) fortunately, for him it was Mirio.
Mirio, who went out of his way to come over and check up on him in the middle of the night, the same Mirio who constantly showers him in love and affection, the same Mirio who risks his life for others. That Mirio was currently looking at him like an injured animal, and he wanted to die of shame.
“You weren't supposed to come,” he choked out, tears running down his face as he sat curled up on his twin bed looking pathetic as ever.
Unable to handle it any longer, he buried his face in the pillow, hoping to smother himself to death just as Mirio opened his mouth to speak.
“Why didnt you tell me anything before?” Strong arms hugged his shaking frame, he wanted to disappear.
“‘ I’s okay, let it out Tamaki, I'll be here and hold you for as long as you need.” He was strangely soft spoken, like the boy in his arms would break if he raised his voice an octave too high. And Tamaki hated it, how much he craved those words, how much he yearned to be held, what a hero he was.
And he did, he cried so much his chest hurt more than his body. Tamaki clung to the other, shaky arms gripping the thin shirt and soaking it in tears.
“I’m sorry” he repeated hundreds of times until the word lost its meaning, but Mirio didnt complain, only hugged him tighter. “It’s gonna be okay”
He shook his head, trying to respond but his voice was hoarse and it was a pain to speak. Rough fingers started untangling his hair, and Tamaki practically melted. Mirio was the only one who knew how overwhelming it was to have his hair played with and he was taking advantage of it.
“Stop,” he protested weakly, leaning into the touch even more, making the blonde chuckle quietly, he could feel the rumbling in his chest where they were pressed together. Mirio didn’t stop, he ran his hands through the tangled purple locks until his sobs came to a halt.
The two stayed close eventually sliding to a lying position, Tamaki hid his face in the crook of the blonde’s neck out of embarrassment.
“Wanna explain what happened?” Tamaki shook his head, “You obviously read the text”
“ I did, but to be fair, it’s sort of incoherent,” He joked, “ Maybe it's the best, you just tell me?”
“You’re torturing me” he muttered.
“Well, I try to” he planted a kiss on his head, it irritated him how caring Mirio was.
He untangled their limbs slightly and leaned back, finally being face to face with those deep dark eyes and a sad smile. “I keep having nightmares about you and the others dying because of me,” he sighed.
“What do you mean because of you?”
“I’m supposed to save you but im unable to move or scream, just watch as you’re butchered”
“Well unless you’re the one doing the butchering-”
“Sometimes I am” he blurted out.
“Have you talked to anyone about this?” he nodded “The nurse gave me some sleeping pills but they just make it worse, and prevent me from waking up so i have to watch and be reminded how useless i am even in my dreams” The last part wasn’t supposed to be said out loud but in his sleep deprived state he couldn’t stop himself.
“You know that’s not true.”
“But it is true, you just say that because I called you crying”
“I dont know what convinced you if that, so deeply you’ve been neglecting your health, but if I need to fight through the fog of your clouded judgement I will, I can't let you believe those lies” Tamaki exhaled shakily ready to protest.t
“Tamaki, you’re one of the UA’s best students, you fought against members of the yakuza all by yourself and won at the age of 17, you’re basically Fatgum’s unofficial sidekick. Every time after a day at the agency, you would tell me about all the people you helped, and every day there's at least one.” he frowned.
“I know you’ve been struggling ever since we rescued Eri and im sorry for not being there”
“I’m fine-”
“No you’re not, and I saw that before, but I thought maybe you needed space, but clearly that made you spiral even further.” Tamaki looked away, he didn't like confrontation
“You’re going to be one of Japan’s greatest heroes, Suneater, just the way you are without destroying your body and mind” Rugged fingers cradled his face.
“I know you dont believe me, but im not letting you out of my sight until I know you’re okay.”
A soft kiss was planted on his bitten lips.
“And we’re taking you to a doctor about those nightmares,” Tamaki was about to object, but the other's lips met his again as if sensing a stupid reply coming. The kiss was shallow and soft, just enough to make him forget for a moment.
“Now close your eyes and try to sleep, it's late, you can skip tomorrow, school and training, they’ll understand” Mirio said pulling away, and Tamaki couldn't find the strength to protest this time. He let the long-awaited sleep take over knowing Mirio is next to him ready to fight whatever monster haunted him that night.