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The usual shit is happening again.
Eddy has set up a "booth" outside his house. A PIERCING booth.
He's gonna give unprofessional piercings to the other children for a dollar...
Yeah, this ain't gonna go wrong at ALL.
Double D has told Eddy MANY times that this is a HORRIBLE idea, but of course, the little rat ain't listening.
"Oh, shut up! I know what I'm doing, damn it!"
"Eddy, this is so unsanitary that it's not even funny! Do you WANT your parents to get sued?!"
"Pff. Not my money, not my problem."
"It WILL be your problem when they GROUND YOU! Remember what happened when Ed accidentally broke Jimmy's teeth?!"
Ed perks up at the mention of his incident. He smiles goofily. "Yeah, they took away the stairs! They were reeeeeaaaal mad."
Eddy rolls his eyes. "Ugh, you're overcomplicating things! Just sit down and shut up, already!"
Double D sighs and sits down, knowing there's no point trying to reason with Eddy. Ed giggles and starts playing god-awful music. Specifically, really really REALLY bad yodeling.
"WHAT THE?!" Eddy turns around. "ED! What the hell is THIS?!"
"It's some ambiance, Eddy!"
"This is the shittiest yodeling I've ever heard! TURN IT OFF!"
"But-"
"NO!"
Eddy pulls the tape out of the music player and chucks it. Ed pouts.
"Eddyyyyy, that was my dad's!"
"Your dad's music taste sucks. NOW SIT YOUR FAT ASS DOWN!"
Ed sits down. It's not long before one of the other children, Johnny, comes up to the booth.
"HEY GUYS!"
Eddy puts on a fake smile and greets him. "Heyyy, Johnny... uh, welcome to, uh... my... piercing, uh, thingy, shit, where no infections have EVER happened. What can I- no- WE- do for you?"
"No infections, huh? Sweet," Johnny says, looking at the list of piercing possibilities. "Lemme ask Plank what he thinks!"
Johnny looks at his wooden board friend, Plank, as if it can fucking talk. He then nods and speaks again.
"Plank says I should pierce my tongue!"
Eddy smiles evilly. "GREAT! 1 dollar, please!"
Double D chokes on his own spit. "Er, Johnny... perhaps you might want to reconsider..."
"Why?" Johnny asks, handing Eddy the money.
"Oh, shut UP, man," Eddy says. "Let him get what he wants!"
Ed smiles dopily. "I want a tongue piercing, Eddy."
Eddy ignores him and pulls Johnny into a chair. "Okay, go ahead and stick out your tongue."
Johnny sticks his tongue out. Eddy takes a sharpie and marks the spot he's gonna pierce.
"A sharpie, Eddy...?" Double D mutters, disapproving of the lack of hygiene here.
Eddy ignores him, and picks up a needle.
"Alright, Johnny," he starts. "This is gonna hurt a bit. I'm gonna need you to stay still, though."
"Uh huh!" Johnny says, completely disregarding of the fact that Eddy is 12 and NOT a professional in any way, shape, or form.
But just before Eddy can make the piercing, the same tape that he threw earlier whacks him in the head.
"OW!"
He whirls around, only to see a very pissed off Sarah, next to a hysterical Jimmy.
"Alright, which one of you threw that?!" Eddy shouts out. Sarah stomps up to the table and slams her hands on the surface.
"I did", she says, her tone dripping with anger. "Just like how YOU threw it at Jimmy!"
"Wait, what? I didn't mean to hit him with it! I just threw it!"
"But you did!"
"BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO!"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER!"
Jimmy tries to pipe up, but he's crying too much. This only makes Sarah even more angry.
"You better apologize," she says, jabbing a finger at his chest. "Or I'm gonna KILL YOU, and then KILL YOU AGAIN."
Eddy rolls his eyes. "God, FINE! I'm sorry, Jimmy! I didn't mean to hit you with the tape. Blame Ed for bringing the stupid thing out in the first place!"
Jimmy nods, still upset but thankful for the apology anyway. Sarah raises an eyebrow.
"Wait, what? ED?!"
Ed smiles like an idiot, addressing his little sister. "Yeah! I got dad's yodelin' tape and played it on the music thingy. But Eddy didn't like it."
"So, you STOLE it? You're lucky I hate this tape as much as the next person, otherwise I'd tell on you!"
"I like it, Sarah!'
"That's cuz you're stupid."
Ed gasps. "Hey! Does THIS face look stupid to you?"
In all truthfulness, Ed's face looks stupider than stupid.
"Ohhh, I'm sorry," Sarah mocks. "I meant to say you're reta-"
Jimmy clears his throat, cutting Sarah off before she says something offensive. Double D gasps. "SARAH!"
"What?! HE IS!"
"Alright, that's it!" Eddy snaps. "Both of you, GET! I'm runnin' a business, here!"
"Sarah, let's just go..." Jimmy says, tugging on his friend's hand. But Sarah has other plans.
"Ohhh, no. We're not letting them off this easy."
"But... I don't wanna be here..."
"JIMMY."
Jimmy immediately shuts up. Eddy's eye twitches.
"Uh, guys? Can I get my piercing now?" Johnny says, still waiting patiently.
"I'm sorry, Johnny, but I think Eddy might be a while..." Double D replies, fidgeting nervously.
"You're SO ANNOYING!" Eddy shouts.
"And YOU'RE a butthead!" Sarah shouts back.
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
"YOU'RE A BUTTHEAD, AND YOUR PARENTS DON'T LOVE YOU!"
"OH YEAH?! WELL YOU-" Eddy cuts himself off. "Wait... what'd you just say?!"
"You heard me," Sarah says getting in Eddy's face. "Your. Parents. Don't. Love. You."
Silence.
"You..." Eddy says, his face turning red. "YOU SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH, SARAH!"
Sarah rolls her eyes. "Why should I? It's true."
Jimmy swallows hard, placing a hand on Sarah's shoulder. "Sarah, maybe we should just-"
"Stay out of it, Jimmy!" Sarah says, swatting Jimmy's hand away.
Jimmy steps back, looking rather scared. Eddy's fists ball up.
"You... little... YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
Without warning, Eddy grabs the needle he was gonna use to pierce Johnny's tongue, and stabs Sarah in the shoulder with it.
"OW!" she screams out, stepping back and grabbing her shoulder.
Double D gasps. "EDDY! Was that necessary?!"
Jimmy starts to panic. "Are- are you okay?!" he says, tending to his friend.
"NO! HE FREAKING STABBED ME!" Sarah cries out, gripping her shoulder tightly.
"I-it'll be okay! Just- hold on!"
While Jimmy desperately tries to console Sarah, Double D is lecturing Eddy, who seems to be JUST realizing what he just did.
"Eddy, we do NOT stab people!"
"I know! I just... I was mad, okay?!"
"That's NOT an excuse!"
"I KNOW! UGH, DAMN IT!"
Ed is oblivious to what's happening, staring off into space like a fucking idiot. Probably thinking about what he's gonna have for dinner.
"Uh, you know what, guys? I'll come back for that piercing another time..." Johnny says, quickly scurrying away.
Eddy sighs heavily. "There goes our ONE customer."
Sarah continues to scream and cry, with Jimmy frantically trying to calm her down. It's not long before the rest of the kids hear the commotion.
And they're NOT happy.
Kevin pokes his head out the window and shouts, "Can you idiots go ONE god damn day WITHOUT almost killing someone?!"
"Hey! SHE said my parents don't love me!" Eddy snaps back.
"And so you STABBED her?!" Nazz yells from her front yard. "REAL mature, Eddy! Stabbing a 6 YEAR OLD!"
"I WAS MAD! AND IT WAS JUST A DAMN NEEDLE!"
"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Rolf yells from his bedroom window.
"Who invited YOU?!" Eddy yells back.
"Your mama, who invited YOU?!"
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOM, YOU FOREIGN HILLBILLY!"
"SHE LOOKS LIKE A MAN!"
"YOU look like a man! Or- wait- uh-"
"Thank you, infant boy. I try my best."
Eddy pauses.
...Infant boy?
Suddenly, Ed pipes up, completely oblivious to what's going on.
"Hey, guys! I gotta poop!"
Double D facepalms. Eddy groans loudly.
"Go, then!"
"Okay."
Ed pulls down his pants and takes a big, fat shit RIGHT THERE. Everyone starts screaming.
"NO, ED! I MEANT THE BATHROOM! GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
"Hghghghghhgggggghhhhhh!"
Ed finally finishes. The shit is at least a FOOT long.
Then... the shit starts MOVING. Crawling around, and everything.
"Oh, no, not again!" Double D cries out.
"ED! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Sarah yells, still holding her shoulder where Eddy stabbed her.
Ed just smiles. "Yay! My little pooski is back!"
Jimmy can't take it anymore, and throws up on the ground. Ed's "little pooski" starts rolling around in the vomit, causing everyone to yell in disgust.
"CALL AN EXORCIST!" Rolf yells, pointing at the sentient shit baby. "GET THIS DEMON OUT OF HERE!"
"How does one shit out a living piece of crap TWICE?!" Kevin shouts out.
Eddy is now beyond furious. "ED..."
Suddenly, the disgusting shit baby stands up and starts to talk.
"I have been brought back to enact my revenge on you cruel children."
Everyone starts at the ugly ass baby in shock. Why is this thing TALKING?!
"I have learned the ways of the sentient shittory," the baby continues. "You all stand no chance. You will all perish at the hands of me. You-"
"Hey guys, I think I'm ready for that piercing no- AHHH, WHAT THE HECK?!" Johnny cries out, accidentally yeeting Plank right at the sentient shit baby.
Plank crushes the baby to death, it's shittiness being reduced to ashes.
More silence.
...Did a piece of WOOD just kill a demon shit baby?!
"Uh- ummm..." Johnny stammers. "You know what? Nevermind. Just keep the dollar."
Johnny grabs Plank and runs back inside. Eddy then gets ecstatic.
"LET'S GO!" He yells. "We made a dollar today, boys!"
"Yayyyyy!" Ed cheers, once again not giving a flying fuck that his "little pooski" died again.
Double D buries his face in his hands. "Just one normal day... that's all I ask for..."
THE END