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If I could I'd freeze this moment, make it my home
You're all I want to want to know
Not once in my life did I ever think I’d fall in love with a friend. It was something I held onto—maybe a principle, maybe just because I found it hard to see someone as more than a friend when I’d never viewed them that way in the first place. But everything changed the night Lou confessed her feelings, on a Friday while we were just hanging out in her room. And then, she gave me the sweetest kiss I’d ever received.
Lou had been my best friend for eight years, ever since high school. We were inseparable, doing everything together. It was always just me and Lou. It had always been Lou and Debbie. That is, until I met Claude—my first boyfriend, the one I was with for two years. So when that relationship ended, "brokenhearted" didn’t even begin to describe what I felt.
But Lou was there. She always was. She helped me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. She pulled me out of a darkness I didn’t think I could escape. And when she confessed her feelings, it felt like a tight embrace—the kind that made me feel safe, secure, like I finally belonged with the right person. Or so I thought.
I can tell you mean it when you kiss me slow
But please don't ask me, the answer's no
"I can wait, Debbie," was the answer she gave me when I asked for time to think. I love Lou, I truly do. I just needed time to figure out if my feelings for her went beyond friendship. She’s the reason I never felt the need to chase after guys who didn’t know how to treat me right. Lou had always taken such good care of me that I never had to look for it anywhere else.
She picked me up from home so we could go to school together—first, when we were still just walking, and then later, when she got her first car. She cooked and bought me whatever food I craved. I was always welcomed into her family’s home, and later, into her condo when she decided to live on her own. I remember telling her how lucky the girl who would eventually fall for her would be. Damn, I was lucky.
In a perfect world, I'd kill to love you the loudest
But all I do is live to hurt you soundless
Ever since the night she confessed her feelings, nothing really changed—except that now, I knew. Except that we held hands. Except that we often found ourselves kissing while studying in her unit. But she was still my Lou. My best friend, the one who loved me, the one who had always taken care of me. I’d had moments where I felt the urge to tell her that I felt the same way, but something always held me back. Like admitting it would only hurt her, like saying it out loud would make everything even more complicated.
Say you see I'm lying, babe, and let this go
I can never promise you tomorrow
It was her birthday, and I had planned a surprise party for her—an intimate one, just with her family, closest friends, and the cousins she grew up with, whom I’d contacted from states away. Everything was perfect. The atmosphere was warm, everyone was having a great time, and her parents even thanked me for making it special for Lou. Her cousins and friends couldn’t help but ask the big question—Are you two together now?
Later that night, after the party had ended and we were back in her room, I finally gave her the answer I knew she’d been waiting for.
"I love you, Lou."
In that moment, as I saw her overjoyed reaction, something inside me shifted. I suddenly felt a wave of doubt, as if I wanted to take back what I had just said. I couldn’t understand why, but one thing was certain—I regretted it. I was too lost in my own confusion to process what was happening, let alone make sense of it.
'Cause I have yet to learn
How not to be his
Being with Lou was everything anyone could hope for. She was incredible—so perfect in so many ways. She never failed to show me how much she loved me. She cared for me consistently, always checked up on me, and did everything to make me feel valued. Honestly, I couldn’t even list everything she did for me, because for the entirety of our relationship, Lou was nothing but good to me. But despite all of that, I felt suffocated. I felt like I was only doing things to avoid hurting her, even though I knew deep down I was already doing just that.
I appreciated everything Lou did, but I couldn't shake the emptiness I felt inside. It was like my heart had become hollow, incapable of feeling anything—happiness, sadness, fear—nothing. That was, until I saw Claude walk into the café where Lou and I were studying, his arm linked with a girl’s as they laughed and talked as if no one else was around.
In that moment, my heart shattered, dropping into my stomach. For the first time in a long while, I felt something. But it wasn’t with Lou.
This city will surely burn
If we keep this as it is
“Is this because you saw him?” Lou asked me, after days of sensing I was distant.
“I thought you had moved on?” she added softly. I thought so too.
“Is it still him, Deb?” she asked, her voice cracking. I didn’t know…
“Then what am I here for?” she whispered, and all I could do was cry. I couldn’t lie to her, not after all the hurt I’d already caused. Her tear-streaked face is forever etched in my mind—a constant reminder of how deeply I broke her heart that day.
I'd give anything to stop time
And drive around Anaheim at sun down
And teach my mind to put you first
I didn’t expect Lou to stay after that night when I basically admitted I wasn’t over my ex. But she did. I thought she’d be angry, throw out the hurtful words I knew I deserved, maybe even walk away. If I were in her shoes, I know I would have. I was bracing for the worst, but she acted like nothing had changed. The next morning, she still made me breakfast and even apologized. And I don’t know what hurts more—hurting her, or the way she’s pretending everything is fine.
“Lou, we need to talk about this—”
“Let’s not, Deb. Please.”
“But we can’t just act like nothing’s happening.”
“I can’t lose you. I’ll stay for as long as I can, and I need you to let me. Please, Deb. I can’t lose you.”
Here you are, a hero
You wanna be my new home
But baby, let up
I won't ever recognize these roads
I tried to convince myself it was for the best when I woke up one day and realized no one was picking me up from home anymore. That I wasn’t getting any good morning messages from her. But when a mutual friend told me that she had finally agreed to live with her aunt in Australia—without even a note or a single text—it hit me hard. And though it felt unreasonable, I couldn’t help but feel angry. Before we were ever anything more than friends, we were best friends. We shared everything. So for her to make such a huge decision without even telling me made me feel as if the years we spent together meant nothing.
Deb
You’re in Australia?
Lou
Yes
Deb
And you couldn’t tell me about it?
Lou
I’m sorry. I had to choose myself this time, Deb.
'Cause I am lost, but not in you
Yes, I am lost, but not in you
Now, as I look at the wedding photos Tammy posted on her Instagram years later, a quiet sense of peace washes over me. It’s as though my heart finally knows Lou is where she’s meant to be. From everything Tammy says, Daphne sounds wonderful—exactly the kind of person Lou deserves. She was invited to their wedding; I wasn’t. And I understand that fully.
I’ll always regret the things I did—the way I carelessly said those three words, half-hearted and unsure, or the way I let Lou stay when she only did so because she was scared of losing me. But I believe, in the end, those moments were necessary to lead Lou to her wife.
I still long for her. I still miss her—not because I want her back, but because I lost a best friend. Someone who was nothing but good to me. Hurting her like that was cruel, unnecessary, and something I can never undo. I tried to apologize, but she blocked me immediately. Part of me wanted to be angry, but then I realized: if this is Lou’s way of healing, I can’t fault her for it. I was the one who caused her pain in the first place.
But baby, I'm so sorry
I don't think that I'll ever memorize this route
'Cause I am lost, but not in you
Yes, I am lost, but not in you
Every now and then, as I hold my daughter in my arms or cook breakfast for my husband, I silently wish I could make things right, even in our next life. I would love her in a way only I could—without leading her down a path that would only cause us pain. I would be there for her, every step of the way. Maybe, in our next life, I’d finally get to be her maid of honor, just like we always planned.
And maybe, in the next life, we'll get it right—where love and moments shared are never fleeting, and our bond is never broken.