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Matthew was a moment. A moment that passed so quickly Hanbin could only catch a glimpse of it, but still cherished this flash like his whole essence depended on it.
A month ago, he came to the sea for his vacation. He loved the feeling of salt against his skin, loved staring at the horizon and seeing the water blending with the sky and the sense of freedom it gave him. Hanbin’s best friend, Hao, told him he had prayed for him to have a holiday fling, something that would give him quick satisfaction without responsibilities. This was a rare occasion of him agreeing with the wise words of his buddy and looking forward to finding someone.
He met Matthew at the beach, when the sun was just getting ready to rest beneath the mountains.
At first glance, Hanbin knew Matthew wouldn’t fit the holiday fling criteria. Since the first word he has said, Hanbin knew he would be much more. Since the first smile of his, Hanbin was lost.
He fell in love in a mere second, not even noticing how deep this feeling stroked him. It was the kind of love that was described in brainwashing books for little girls. Love that happens only once in a lifetime or doesn’t happen at all.
Hanbin still remembers everything like it was yesterday, even though a whole month had passed since he last saw Matthew’s eyes.
He remembers hot sand burning their toes and waves fighting with their bodies. Matthew’s choice for breakfast in a hotel’s restaurant. Spending half of the day on sunbeds sipping Margaritas and holding each other’s hand like their life depended on it. Long talks under the moonlight, soft sheets on Matthew’s bed, his skin shivering under Hanbin’s fingers and plump lips leaving little kisses at the curve of his neck.
One particular moment he thinks about the most is when they found the shards with mosaic décor on them. After they cleaned them, they realized these shards were a part of a vase before. The vase didn’t seem old, like someone brought it maybe a year ago and accidentally dropped it on the stones.
“I want to keep them”, Hanbin said, carefully covering each shard with paper.
“Who needs a broken vase that can’t be recovered, if you can buy a new one?”, Matthew asked, something strange emerging in his eyes.
“I wonder what the history of this vase is, even if in reality it’s some cheap mass market item”.
“The story has already been told”, Matthew looked disappointed for some reason, “The vase existed, then, it was broken and now it’s gone”.
He didn’t sleep with Hanbin that night. Hanbin, to this day, can’t exactly figure out what this conversation was about.
Two days before Hanbin should’ve gone back home, Matthew asked him to visit the beach again. He brought a hollow wine bottle with him and some paper.
“We should leave our biggest wish here and put it in the bottle”, Matthew said, giving Hanbin a pen, “The sea would swallow it and when the Gods from the bottom of it will make it true”.
Hanbin felt like he was not giving the paper to the Gods, but his heart. Warm and bloody, freshly taken out of the wound in his chest. He didn’t know why it hurt so much, but the next day he realized.
Matthew disappeared early in the morning, not leaving anything behind. Hanbin didn’t even have his actual phone number — they both used the local SIM cards. He searched for his socials, contacts, anything that could give a hint where Matthew is now, but it was pointless. He found nothing.
Now Hanbin understands that Matthew has been distant from him. He has been near him, Hanbin could see him, touch him, kiss him, but he has never been with him. He has been honest with him, but told him nothing about his life.
He feels like he missed out something very important in Matthew’s core and that’s why he left without warning.
He doesn’t search anymore. He senses that it’s not what Matthew would’ve liked. He tries to continue living.
Hanbin drinks wine and gossips with Hao on Fridays. Goes to the park with his other friend Gyuvin and his dog after work. He even bought a new sink to his kitchen.
He’s fine, even if he spends every night trying to stitch a hole in his chest and wakes up crying from time to time, because his happy dream where Matthew is with him isn’t real.
One weekend, when the city is too suffocating for Hanbin to bear it, he decides to visit his parents.
He parks his car near the house, comes closer to the door and freezes.
Matthew is standing right before him.
“Maybe I actually need to see the—”, Hanbin starts talking, but Matthew shortly cuts him off.
“I’m so happy I could find you”, he says, tears immediately falling down his cheeks, “And I am so sorry, I know I’m unforgivable, I shouldn’t have done it, why did I—”
This time Hanbin interferes, gently hugging Matthew and almost fainting, surrounded by his smell.
“That’s okay, Seokmae”, he brushes his head with so much care, like Matthew is the most fragile thing that can shatter into pieces with any wrong move.
“It was supposed to be my last trip”, Matthew is shaking, he’s overwhelmed to his core with tangled emotions.
Hanbin finds his hand and intertwines their fingers. He understands what Matthew means. He wants to cry so hard it makes eyes hurt, but he can’t do it now.
At night, they lie together in his childhood bed. Suddenly Hanbin asks:
“What did you write on the paper we put in the bottle?”
“That I wanted to see you again”, Matthew says with tenderness.
“The Gods of the Sea were kind to us, because I wished that I could spend my whole life with you”.