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Things are going well. Emily is absolutely fine . She is , but regardless of her assurances, nobody seems to be believing her as she repeatedly and stubbornly continues to tell that lie. The words have left her lips repeatedly over the past few weeks, and at this point, the phrase has begun to lose all meaning. On top of her coworker’s ever-concerned gazes, today is JJ’s first day back from maternity leave. Truthfully, Emily is dreading it. She should be excited, she wants to be excited, but for whatever reason, she just… isn't.
The brunette hasn't seen JJ since that night in the hospital, nearly a month ago now. It had been hectic, to say the least. Will hadn't been able to get an earlier flight from New Orleans, and so he’d ended up arriving mere minutes after Henry’s birth. Thus, the task of comforting JJ during her grueling labor — holding her hand, talking her through the seemingly endless contractions, making sure she wasn’t pushing herself too hard — had fallen on Emily’s shoulders.
She’d readily taken on the responsibility without a hint of hesitation. The brunette had made it her personal mission to take care of JJ, and she’d ended up doing a pretty damn good job. Henry, the gracious little bundle of joy that he is, had arrived after only a few hours after they’d gotten to the hospital. The boy resembles his mother so precisely — ocean blue eyes, a beaming smile, and that headful of soft blonde hair. It had nearly killed Emily to watch as JJ held her son in her arms for the very first time, the wave of awe and adoration that had crested within her was entirely foreign.
In that most perfect moment, Will walked in. His joy at the sight of his newborn child had nearly matched JJ’s. As sweet as it was, Emily hadn’t been able to ignore the sting brought about by his entrance. Nonetheless, the brunette had taken the hint, promptly leaving the little family to revel in their new reality. That doesn't mean it had hurt any less, though. The sight of JJ, the love of Emily’s life , surrounded by a life that the older woman could never truly be a part of… it cut deep.
It doesn't matter. Besides, it’s her own fault, really. She had pushed JJ towards the detective all those months ago. Truthfully, the pain of that night rivals the pain of the one in the hospital. Perhaps Emily is unconsciously a masochist. Still, as much as Emily wants JJ to be happy, she wants JJ to be happy with her . That isn't possible, though. So instead, the brunette watches the younger woman from afar, dreaming of a life that is forever just out of her reach.
All this to say, she’s in a pretty bad mood this morning. Sue her, a lot of shit has happened. Penelope’s perpetual cheerfulness, Derek’s trademark brand of affectionate teasing, Reid’s customary statistical contributions — it all feels positively suffocating , but still, Emily soldiers on. She keeps her head down, mindlessly swirling a spoon in the mug of sickeningly sweet coffee that she clings to.
Around her, Penelope and Kevin seem to be entranced by the daily horoscope. “Current influences should turn this day into one with plenty of potential, but avoid the trap of trying too hard.” The effervescent woman speaks, a curious inflection to her voice. “Know your strengths, rely on them. Confidence, real or pretend, is your magic ingredient.” She finishes, her signature grin accompanying the conclusion.
“Confidence, yes! I like that!” Kevin exclaims excitedly, suddenly standing up a little straighter.
It’s then that Derek must feel the need to interject. “Come on, guys. You don’t think there's actually anything to that stuff, do you?” He asks, sitting casually atop of the desk where Penelope sits, the newspaper spread out in front of her.
“You'd be surprised!” Kevin protests good-naturedly. His hands, like Emily’s, hold a mug full of coffee. Derek has a cup, too. What
would
the BAU do without caffeine?
Regardless of her inner musings, Emily finally finds within herself to speak up. “It's gibberish.” She declares, although her usual taunting inflection is replaced by a tone of overt apathy.
“Thank you.” Derek chimes, smirking nonchalantly. He then turns back to the pair of technical analysts with a challenging glance.
Penelope casts a look of mock-offense in Emily’s direction. “Oh, you are just jealous because you don’t have the magic ingredient.” Her bubbly nature spills out through her words, even as she attempts to come off steely.
The brunette, still not quite committing to the playfulness of their banter, responds with one of her classically sarcastic quips. “I have the magic ingredient. It's called Splenda.” She says, unintentionally gesturing slightly with her spoon.
Kevin raises a doubtful brow, a daring lilt lining his tone as he speaks. “Alright, skeptic. What’s your sign?” He asks with a bold inflection.
“Uh-oh.” Morgan chuckles, grateful to not be on the receiving end of Garcia and Kevin’s lovably brutal scrutiny.
Emily shakes her head in quiet refusal. “No.” She responds simply, once again twirling her spoon through the stiff and still air of the bullpen.
“No? Is that in April?” Penelope questions, a delighted look upon her face. The team never stops teasing one another, and although it can be insufferable at times, Emily is endlessly grateful for the fact that she actually has teammates to be teased by. She recalls the time of solitary undercover missions, and it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. Spencer walks in, and Garcia happily continues her quest, unaware of Emily’s resurging recollections. “Reid, we need a DOB on Prentiss.”
Without missing a beat, Spencer begins rattling off the requested information, down to the very
minute
Emily was born. “7:12 am, October 12th, 1970 —”
“Hey!” The brunette promptly cuts him off, pointing an accusatory spoon in Spencer’s direction. The younger agent just gives her a sheepishly confused look, unfamiliar with the source of her frustration.
Penelope ignores Emily’s disapproval, continuing her illuminating examination of the woman’s horoscope. “Ahhh. Libra, I should've known.” A chorus of barely restrained chuckling erupts throughout the group. “A
romantic
opportunity may experience a slight hitch due to the pesky lunar influence, which could have you dipping into a rather chilly mood.”
Emily wouldn’t exactly classify ‘having a baby with another person’ as a slight hitch, but she supposes the stars can only get so specific before beginning to border on absurdity. Not that she’s romantically interested in JJ — she isn’t, truly . Though even as her inner voice regurgitates the carefully-rehearsed assurance, it sounds like a blatant lie.
Truthfully, she’d rather lie to herself for the rest of time than face the reality of the situation — she’s hopelessly, wholly and utterly, in love with her best friend. The same best friend that has a newborn son, the same best friend that, as far as Emily knows, is completely straight .
Her pathetic romantic life notwithstanding, Penelope continues. “If being demonstrative and warm is difficult, then neutralize this temporary coldfront with a simple but affectionate gesture.” As the words leave Garcia’s lips, a smug look materializes upon her features. The expression seems to scream at Emily, practically mocking her.
Penelope has always been perceptive — she’s the only person who knows about Emily’s true feelings towards JJ.
Well, that probably isn’t true. Realistically, in a team full of profilers, everyone has surely picked up on the brunette’s longing stares across the roundtable. If anything, Garcia is the only one with enough guts to confront Emily about it.
A few months back, during a patented ‘Girl’s Night', of which JJ hadn’t attended, the vivacious blonde had loaded the brunette with enough liquor to kill a horse . Emily had spilled every last one of her dirty little secrets, her inebriated mind almost immediately giving out under the weight of Penelope’s insistent pestering. Luckily, every secret that would result in swift disciplinary action if shared had managed to stay safely locked away within the recesses of the older woman’s mind.
Anyway, Penelope is the only person privy to Emily’s clandestine affections. Still though, the brunette isn’t exactly a fan of the younger agent's current smugness. “I have a simple gesture.” She says, flashing her middle finger in Garcia’s direction.
Just as Penelope’s mouth opens in preparation to deliver a witty retort, a voice cuts through the small crowd. “Hey! You guys ready to gather?”
JJ, radiant as ever, appears out of nowhere. The glow of motherhood is a new addition to the ever-present beauty she carries with her, and Emily is immediately enraptured. Before the brunette is given a chance to greet JJ, Derek does.
“Look at you, Miss Thing. First day back and you're all business.” He says, a mock salute accompanying his playful remark. JJ smiles, although there’s a hint of sadness hidden beneath the expression, of which Emily notices immediately.
“Well, it's either I dive right in, or confront my separation anxiety.” JJ shrugs, clearly trying to appear nonchalant. The somber undertone of her voice betrays the attempt, subsequently bringing a concerned frown to the brunette’s face.
“It's tough being away from him, huh?” Penelope breathes softly, sympathy dripping from her lips. JJ hums in quiet agreement, glancing away from the eyes on her, as if seeking a momentary escape. Just then, Garcia takes the younger woman’s hand in hers, inspecting something. Emily follows her line of sight, and her brown irises land upon a ring.
A ring , beautifully sparkling under the bullpen’s fluorescent lights, elegantly slipped onto JJ's finger.
No .
Please , no .
Emily forces a string of syllables from her lips, hoping that they end up sounding at least somewhat intelligible. “Hey, that's new, isn't it?” She hears herself ask, positively shocked by the steadiness of her own voice. The brunette has always been skilled at compartmentalization, but for whatever reason, JJ possesses the ability to see through her like glass.
An expression of which Emily can't quite place materializes upon the blonde's features for a
moment
, but it vanishes just as quickly as it had appeared. Then suddenly, JJ is responding. “Yeah, Citrine. It's Henry’s birthstone.” She explains, slightly extending her ringed finger under the bright lights. “Will and I both got one.” JJ smiles, bringing her hand up to her face, as if to show it off.
Without having meant to, Emily lets her face fall into a look of utter despair. This reality – in which the woman she loves is forever unattainable to her – it’s easier to accept when it isn't staring her directly in the face. That ring might as well be a knife. It feels as if the band is a perfectly crafted weapon, specifically meant to tear Emily’s heart right out of her very chest .
Penelope chimes in just then, a kind smile adorning her features. “Aw, that's sweet.” She says, sparing a momentary glance towards Emily. It’s there that Garcia discovers the brunette’s heartbreak, laid out upon her face as clear as day. Her concern doesn't last very long though, because in an instant, JJ is speaking.
“You done with this?” The blonde asks, gesturing to the newspaper atop the desk. Her question inadvertently breaks the technical analyst out of her fleeting sympathetic reverie. Penelope at last turns to face JJ, that same kind smile gracing her face once more.
“All yours.” Garcia replies, promptly handing the newspaper over to the younger agent. JJ takes it gladly, walking off in the direction of the roundtable room, readying herself to deliver another grueling briefing. Penelope watches Derek and Spencer follow her out, and Kevin takes his leave, retreating back to his own office. Suddenly, only her and Emily remain within the small kitchenette.
Garcia gives the brunette a smug look – ‘the stars were right,’ her gaze seems to say. Honestly, as much as she doesn't want to insert herself into the dysfunctionality that is Emily and JJ’s complicated relationship, it's what she does . Penelope is the primary confidant of both of the women, and as a result, she’s become privy to secrets neither of them would ever dare admit to each other.
Emily is in love with JJ – that fact is practically common knowledge at this point. The true secret, however, is that the blonde feels the same way. Back when the brunette had been trapped within Benjamin Cyrus’s compound, facing death and torturous blows, JJ had made a panicked call to Penelope.
“ I can’t lose her, Pen. ” She had said, carefully hidden away behind the mobile command center. JJ’s tears had been evident even through the fuzziness of the small phone’s speaker. Those godforsaken pregnancy hormones had been at their highest peak, and every emotion had felt a thousand times more intense. “ I can’t lose her, I… I love her. ”
Garcia had been quick to determinedly reassure her best friend, and blessedly, everything ended up turning out okay. Emily got away with nothing more than a few gnarly cuts and bruises, but the truth was out. Before that day, JJ hadn't even admitted it to herself , let alone another person. As soon as she’d returned to Quantico, JJ had made Penelope swear to keep her mouth shut.
Regardless, months later, Emily remains completely unaware of JJ’s true feelings. Whether or not that’s for the best, Penelope isn’t sure, but she’d made a promise, and she’s nothing if not trustworthy.
In the present moment though, the brunette just shakes her head. She walks off towards the roundtable room, accepting the reality of the situation. Well, the reality that she believes to be true — the one where JJ is in a happy relationship unburdened by complications, in which the blonde is a new mother, harboring absolutely zero interest in Emily.
Penelope is the only one who knows both sides of the story, and she is absolutely certain that neither Emily nor JJ are going to come clean any time soon. They’re too stubborn for their own good. Although then again, maybe it has not a thing to do with stubbornness. Perhaps the two women are simply so terrified to admit their feelings that they've effectively become paralyzed by the fear of rejection. If only they knew the truth – that their fears are delusory.
As Garcia watches the brunette go, that same forlorn expression permanently etched into Emily’s features, the technical analyst is suddenly hit with a wave of unprecedented determination. She needs to
fix
this.