Archive of Our Own

Dylan Zhou
sent 1:40am

You know 

Sometimes I wonder.

That when you find an old picture of us and look at it

I hope you miss me sometimes 

Because I do.

I do miss you, jun.

Jun sat on his bed, his phone casting a soft light on his face as he read the messages popping up on his lock screen. 
Each one of Dylan’s sentences left a painful sting in his heart, his pulse throbbing loudly in his ears.

“Jun?” His girlfriend shifted, opening her eyes slightly as she put her arms around Jun’s waist. “Is everything okay? Who is that?” She mumbled, burying her face to Jun’s side.

Jun was feeling dizzy, his palms sweating as he kept his phone steady, staring at the darkened screen now. His mouth felt dry, his eyes were hurting from being open for so long. But he didn’t dare to blink.
He didn’t want to close his eyes, not even for a second. He was scared he might wake up from this dream, finding no messages. Finding out he is still blocked by Dylan, their last message being about them agreeing when to meet up to give back the other’s belongings. 3 years ago.

“Nobody” he whispered, hands shaking slightly as he put the phone on the nightstand. 

“Hmm” the girl hummed and pulled Jun into a hug as he laid back down. “Let’s sleep” 

Jun laid still, eyes fixed on the ceiling, the weight of Dylan’s words pressing down on him and making his mind fuzzy. His girlfriend’s arms were warm and soft, but his mind was far away—back in the practice room and the studio, the group’s house, back in that tiny coffee shop near the company where Dylan always insisted on ordering for him, knowing his order by heart.

He could almost hear Dylan’s laugh, that soft chuckle that used to make Jun’s chest feel light. He remembered the way Dylan’s fingers would brush against his when they walked too close in public, how they’d sit in comfortable silence after a busy day, sharing earbuds and the same playlist. Jun could still recall the song playing the last time he saw him, the haunting melody that brings him back to his biggest heartbreak in just a second.

His girlfriend stirred beside him, her breathing deep and rhythmic. Jun felt guilty, a sharp twist in his stomach. She was just so good to him—kind, patient, beautiful. But there was always a tiny gap between them, a piece of him she could never touch. A part of his heart is still wandering, still living in the past, back 3 years ago.

He reached for his phone, careful not to wake her. His fingers moved before he could think, opening the message thread. The screen glowed, too bright in the dark, but he couldn’t look away. He read Dylan’s words again and again, tracing them with his fingertips. 

The typing bubble appeared. Then vanished. Appeared again. Jun’s breath hitched, his thumb hovering over the keyboard.

I miss you too.

He wanted to type it. He wanted to tell the truth, that he still thinks about Dylan. But he hesitated, the reality of his life settling heavily around him. He glanced at the girl beside him, her face calm, trust written in the soft curve of her lips. His chest tightened.

He liked this girl, she was an actual angel.

He broke up with Dylan 3 years ago. He has been with her for months now, a year even. He just can’t do this to her, not like this. He isn’t the type of person who would betray a loved one. Even if Dylan is in the picture. 

He quickly deleted the message and typed again.

It’s late. Are you okay?

He hit send, a mix of dread and anticipation pooling in his chest. He didn’t know if he waited for a reply or if he feared it. His mind raced through scenarios—what if Dylan wanted to meet? What if this was just a moment of weakness, a drunk text, something leading to more pain?

The minutes stretched, silence slowly swallowing the room. He stared at the screen until his vision blurred. His phone remained still, no new messages, no response. Just the thoughts in his head, the memories of Dylan still flooding his brain.

Jun closed his eyes, but sleep didn’t come. Only the echo of a love he had to realize, he had never quite stopped feeling.

Jun sat in the makeup chair, his script resting on his lap, the page turned to his next scene. The makeup artist moved around the boy, putting different products all over his face, but Jun didn’t pay attention at all. His phone sat on the little table next to the chair, the screen dark but Jun felt like it was burning a hole in his chest.

He was waiting. Of course he was.

Dylan hasn’t replied since last night, Jun’s message was still waiting to be opened.

It was during one of his scenes when he saw his phone light up just behind the camera man. His mind got all foggy again, forgetting his lines right after, only being able to concentrate on the bright screen, hoping to see Dylan’s reply.

“Jun” the director sighed after shouting "cut”. She walked up to the male, her hands on her hips. “Go, drink some water or go outside. Be here in 10 minutes, but if you keep acting like this, we are done”

Jun should have known he was a lost cause when hearing the famous director’s words didn’t even phase him. 
He took the chance and almost ran to his phone, opening it immediately.

No. I’m not okay. I miss you Jun. So much

Jun’s thumbs moved quicker than his brain, working almost on their own as he started typing out the reply, not actually thinking.

Where are you now?

The message was seen almost immediately, Dylan’s reply arriving in just a second.

Back in Bangkok. For a while.

Jun’s heart pounded, his breathing feeling shallow and his head was dizzy. He swallowed and typed with his fingers shaking.

Meet me at the café near Oner. You know the one.

He really, really didn’t think this through. It was an impulsive decision, a message he never should’ve sent. Something he should have never ever thought about after breaking up with Dylan.

Jun bit his lip, his heart pounding loud as he waited for Dylan’s reply. His stylist poked her head in the room, her expression between worry and anger. Jun held up his fingers shaking, telling her he will be out soon, just five more minutes. With a nod, she left Jun alone with his thoughts again.

Finally his phone buzzed again.

Be there in 30 minutes.

Jun felt as if a bucket of water was splashed at him, his heart skipping a beat when he read the message. His body moved  unconsciously, grabbing his denim jacket and hat, stuffing his phone into his pocket. He left the set in hurry, running through the crew members, drawing all the attention to himself, a few staff members even shouting after him.

As he left the building, his phone notification went off again.

Where are you Jun?

His manager, P'War texted him, Jun’s chest tightening as he read the words. He knew he had responsibilities, this was a huge show he was filming. Yet he just ignored the message, not even caring to open it as the cab pulled up. He gave the driver the address, his voice shaky as he got in the car.

The city blurred past the window, the car driving past the familiar streets he always saw while going to Oner back in the days. 

The cab pulled up to the small café, Jun’s heart beating so fast he thought he could faint any moment. He thought through every possible scenario, from the worst to the best, but nothing could ease his mind.

He had to admit, it was a stupid idea, to come here. To see Dylan again after three years.

Because ever since they broke up he had barely seen the boy. His name was mentioned in the industry for months after the disbandment, he was credited as producer for various artists, but his face stayed hidden, not even an old fan being able to capture it for years.

And then, he just slowly disappeared. Jun still looked at the credits when a group from Oner had a new song, looking for the name Dylan Zhou as the producer, but just never saw it again.

The place still looked the same, just like when they went there the last time. He slowly walked in, the smell of coffee and pastry filling his nose the moment he stepped in. He looked around, searching for Dylan with his eyes - even though he knew he would sit at the window, his right side facing it, at the table hidden in the far back, just next to a small corner with big green plants. It has always been Dylan’s favorite spot.

And there he was. His back was facing Jun at first, but his head turned when he heard the bells that informed the staff about a new customer. 

Dylan looked at him, a small smile - or more like a smirk - forming on his lips, his brows raised as he motioned Jun to go there.

But Jun just couldn’t. He was unable to move, to breathe or to look away from Dylan. His face was just as beautiful as he remembered, his fair skin, small, smiley eyes and plump lips. What changed on him was his hair. His silver hair, cut just at the right length for Jun to run his fingers through in. Now it was nowhere to be seen, not even a shade of grey. His hair was long, just around his shoulder, half of it tied up at the back of his head, messily and letting a few pieces fall over his eyes and ears.
And it was pink.
So pink.

His lips parted slightly, his eyes wide as he stared at Dylan.

After what it felt like hours, Jun forced himself to move, his legs feeling numb and clumsy as he walked up to the table, a cup of latte already waiting for him across Dylan’s seat.

Dylan’s lips curled into a smile, a movement that sent a shiver down Jun’s spine. He hated how his body reacted, how nothing seemed to have changed. 

“Hi” Jun said as he sat down, his own voice sounding strange to his ears. 

Dylan kept smiling. “Hey” his eyes met Jun’s, and for a moment neither of them moved or spoke.

Jun swallowed, wrapping his fingers around the cup of latte. His hands felt cold despite the warmth of the coffee, his fingertips turning white from how tight his grip was.

The brunette boy cleared his throat, looking at the latte, then at Dylan. “You still remember.”

Dylan tilted his head slightly, his own order in his hands as he slowly took a sip, his eyes glued on Jun. “Of course I do” he said smoothly, with a small smile as he put his mug back down.

Jun hesitated for a few seconds, not knowing what to say and what to do. He invited Dylan here, he told him to meet up but now he didn’t know why. Why he wanted to see him, what he wanted to say or ask.

“You were filming” Dylan spoke first. “New role?” 

Jun nodded slowly. “Yeah.” His voice quieter than he intended. “My first main role in a drama.”

Dylan hummed, swirling his coffee with a spoon, it clicking against the ceramic. “I know. I saw your stuff.” The spoon stilled and he pulled it out, licking off the remaining coffee. “You always wanted to do it, right? To act.” His voice was calm, he spoke smooth and soft but there was something in his eyes Jun couldn’t figure out.

“I did” he just nodded again, his latte still untouched. “But you. You just…” he looked away.

“I disappeared” Dylan finished his sentence with a chuckle, Jun’s eyes darting back at him. “I needed to get away”

“But why? You dreamed of doing music” Jun surprised himself with how he sounded, how hurt and concerned for Dylan. 

“Lost it. My dream, my passion. It happens, you know. People fell out of love” he formed the words slowly, staring into Jun’s eyes as he said them, making the older’s heart pound against his ribs, his fingers trembling against the cup he was holding.

With a small giggle, Dylan grabbed his mug and took one more sip, his eyes forming a line behind the cup, finding Jun’s nervousness too amusing.
Dylan put his mug on the table, crossing his legs as he slowly leaned forward, resting his chin on his palm.
His light pink hair fell over his eyes, as he tilted his head to the side a little.

“I saw you with her” Dylan said, his voice soft but precise. His fingers tapped rhythmically against the ceramic of his mug. “Your girlfriend.”

Jun swallowed, his jaw clenched and his grip tightened around his own cup of coffee. “Yeah.” 

“She’s a model, right? She is beautiful, Jun. You two are all over magazine covers. The perfect couple” Dylan’s lips curled, but it wasn’t quite a smile. 
It was somewhere between a smirk and something forced.

Jun nodded, his mouth dry and heart racing fast. “We’re just… yeah. She is great.”

Dylan leaned back, his arms crossed in front of his chest. His lips formed a smirk, one that Jun was so familiar with. Then he dropped the bomb Jun knew he would. Of course Dylan would. “Is she better than me?” 

Jun’s heart hammered in his ears, his heartbeat drowning out the soft music playing in the background. He forced himself to look into Dylan’s eyes, his calm and soft smile piercing his heart.

“Is she kinder?” Dylan continued, head tilted and his smile not flattering. “Tell me Jun, does she kiss better than me?” He leaned forward again, looking around before whispering. “Does she scream your name as you screamed mine when you fuck her?”

Jun’s breath hitched. His eyes darkened, anger crawling under his skin. “What the fuck is your problem, Dylan? What the hell do you want from me?” He snapped. “You can’t just show up after all these time and-“

“I want you to suffer” Dylan interrupted him, his expression staying the same, not even flinching from Jun’s rage. “The same way I did. I want to see you fall apart. To lose sleep as you lie next to her, wondering why it doesn’t feel the same. I want you to look at her thinking how different it would be if you stayed with me.”

Jun’s chair scraped against the floor, a loud and sharp sound echoing in the café. People turned to look, but he didn’t care. “Why now Dylan?” He growled. “Three years Dylan. Three fucking years since we broke up, why now? You hate seeing me being happy so badly?” 

Dylan leaned back again, his fingers tapping against his biceps. “Yes. I hate it. I hate seeing you smile. But do you know what I hate the most?” He chuckled. “Seeing your eyes when you look at her. Because I know you Jun. I know how you look at someone when you love them.” 

“Dylan.” Jun sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Just forget me okay? Please, move on and leave me alone.”

“No” Dylan shook his head. “I can’t” he whined. “Jun, don’t you understand? I tried. I fucking tried but you were everywhere. In the back of my mind, every goddamn second you were in my head driving me insane.” His eyes widened, his voice somewhere between desperate and pathetic.

“You think I didn’t suffer?” Jun shot back. “Do you think it was easy for me, Dylan? You weren’t the only one who went through that. I lost Mars too. Mars was my whole life… and so were you”

Dylan kept his expression steady. “Then why did you walk away so easily?” His voice was soft, curiosity lacing it. “Why did you just leave and watch me crumble?”

Jun’s jaw clenched. His hands were trembling, anger and anxiety mixing inside his body. “Because I couldn’t breathe anymore” his voice cracked. “It was too much. You were too much. Mars was falling apart and you were just dragging me down with you. I couldn’t save everyone Dylan. It was so hard to love you when everything was so miserable.”

Dylan’s lips twitched, him breaking eye contact with Jun for the first time, seeming like he got actually hurt by Jun’s sentences. “Hard to love me? Really? We got into a hard time and your first instinct was to abandon me?” Dylan scoffed. “So that now you could have a comfortable life? Smiling for the cameras like nothing ever happened?”

“You think I wanted any of this?” Jun’s fist curled against the table. “Do you think I enjoyed watching everything we worked so hard to vanish into thin air? The band, our love. It hurt, Dylan. But I had to move on.”

“You say it like I didn’t lose it too” Dylan’s voice finally rose, he leaned against the table. “I lost Mars too. I lost music, Jun. The stage, the performances. Everything I ever dreamed about.” He let out a humorless chuckle. “And then I lost you.” 

“But I just couldn’t do it, don’t you understand? Dylan, you were hurting both of us. You are so difficult.” Jun mumbled, turning his head away.

Silence hung between them for a few moments before Dylan spoke again. “You said I was difficult to love? That you moved on?” Jun’s eyes turned back to Dylan. “Then why are your hands shaking ever since you stepped in the café?”

Jun stilled. He looked down slowly, realizing how his fingers were trembling against the rim of his mug. He tried to still them, but the harder he tried, the more he failed to do so.
Dylan reached across the table, his fingers brushing against Jun’s knuckles. His touch was cold, sending a shiver down Jun’s spine. He wanted to pull his hand away, but he just couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.

“If you are so over me as you insist” Dylan continued, his voice low and teasing “then why did you text me back? Why did you ask where I was? Why did you meet me, Jun?” His thumb traced small circles on Jun’s skin, each movement burning “Why did you come here if you don’t love me anymore?”

Jun’s lips parted, but unable to form any words. His mind raced, just a single touch from Dylan bringing back memories he thought were deeply buried inside his brain. He hated how his body, how his mind responded to everything Dylan did and said. He hated how his own heart betrayed him.

“I wanted to check on you. And-“ he finally managed to speak. “And to tell you to move on. Do not contact me again.”

Dylan smirk deepened. “Really? Is that the real reason?” His eyes searched Jun’s face, waiting for a second the older male would slip and expose himself. “Or did you see it because you wanted to see me? To confirm with yourself that you are really over me? Because you wondered if you would still feel the same.”

Jun’s breath came out shaky, his hands trembling under Dylan’s fingers and he tried to pull away from the other’s touch, but his body was frozen. He wanted to deny it, to curse Dylan for even thinking about it. To tell him he is delusional and insane. But the words just didn’t come.

Dylan rested his cheek in his palms, still eyeing Jun from between his pink locks. “Tell me Jun. When you kiss her, do you ever close your eyes and pretend it’s me?” 

Jun’s eyes widened, Dylan’s whisper finally pulling back him into reality. He yanked his hand away, the sudden movement overturning the cup, the dark coffee splashing over the table. 

“Enough” Jun’s voice came out sharp but raspy. His chair scraped back as he stood up, his legs feeling weak beneath him. “Don’t text me again, Dylan. Ever. Pretend like we have never known each other.” Jun spit the words.

Dylan didn’t move, his expression unreadable as he sat in his chair, watching Jun lose his cool in front of him. “We will see, who will contact who first” Dylan scoffed, his eyes following Jun’s movements as the male started to walk away.

Jun almost ran, pushing through the people waiting in the line at the counter just to be finally outside.

As the cold air hit him, his chest tightened, his legs almost giving up. He waddled to the side of the building, his back against the cool wall, trying to even out his breathing. 

“What the fuck” he mumbled to himself. He pressed his hands against his thighs, digging his fingernails into the fabric of his jeans. He tried to calm himself down, trying to take slow, deep breaths, stopping the panic and anxiety from taking over his body.

He couldn’t let this happen. Not now, not anymore.

But Dylan’s voice kept echoing in his head. His last sentence, that finally pierced that knife through his heart, twisting it a few times. 

Jun hated how well Dylan knew which buttons to press, what he had to say to Jun to completely ruin him, to get into his mind and make him go crazy. Like some muscle memory, Dylan could still figure out Jun, as if those years had never passed. As if he still knew Jun the best.

And maybe he did. Maybe, Dylan was still the one who knew Jun the best, because it clearly wasn’t his girlfriend. That sweet girl who was probably wondering where Jun is, if he is doing well at the set, if he goes over tonight. 

But Jun wasn’t at the set, he wasn’t going over her place tonight. He was at the café where he first asked Dylan to be his boyfriend. And the worst, he was there with Dylan. His ex, the boy he once promised forever to.

And she didn’t know anything.

———

It took Jun exactly two days to finally go back to his normal routine, going to filming early in the morning, listening to his manager as he yells at him for being so irresponsible.

He lied to him, to his girlfriend, even to his own mother that he felt sick, probably a bad take out during filming that messed with his stomach. He told his girlfriend it’s unnecessary for her to come over, he has his mother over but told his mother, he had his girlfriend over.

He was a mess. His head was filled with thoughts that Dylan planted in it after their meetup.

He just couldn’t face anyone that moment, not even the people closest to him. Because what if Dylan was right. What if Jun walks up to his girlfriend and sees Dylan’s face. What if he kisses her and wishes it was Dylan’s soft and plump lips instead of hers. What if she wants to make love but Jun just won’t be able to not think about Dylan.

Dylan. Dylan, only Dylan.

The person who took up all his thoughts was Dylan and his ridiculous smile, his words that pierced right through his heart. 

“I can’t believe you” his manager’s voice cut off his thoughts. “Jun, you are not paying attention again. This is not just a silly little drama or a background role. You are the main character, Jun.” he sat on the couch, crossing his legs and leaned forward, eyeing Jun who was sitting in the makeup chair.

“I’m sorry, Phi” Jun mumbled, not being able to look at the man. “I will focus more.”

“You’d better. Because if you fuck this up, son, it’s over.” He scoffed and pushed himself up, leaving the room, letting Jun fall into the spiral of his thoughts again.

It’s working. Whatever Dylan wanted him to feel, it is working, because Jun is going crazy. The past 48 hours have been a hell for him, his mind never calming down. 

It always went back to Dylan, how he sat in the café, his beautiful new hairstyle, the light makeup he was wearing. How well his clothes fit his body, how his arm got bigger. How his fingers brushed against Jun’s hand, how he whispered his crazy questions. 

“Jun, c’mon, it’s your scene” one of the staff members opened the door, leading Jun to the set where everyone was waiting for him.

He had responsibilities, right. He was on a different level now, having a bright future ahead. Dylan is his past, someone he has to leave behind, just how he did for the past 3 years. What mattered now was the drama and his girlfriend. Not Dylan, not Mars.

When his girlfriend texted him after the filming, asking about his state he didn’t lie, he let her come over, spending the night at Jun’s place. 

“Baby” she jumped into Jun’s arms as the male opened the door. “I missed you so much! I was so worried, it’s been ages since you’ve been sick” she pouted and grabbed his face between her small hands. “I will cook you something delicious, okay? After that we can watch a movie”

And he just smiled and nodded, letting the girl jump around the apartment, using his kitchen as it was hers, preparing a meal for the both of them.

She hummed along the song Jun put on, slicing vegetables and cooking noodles as Jun just sat at the table, looking at her.

She was adorable. She was just so pretty and cute, how she jumped a little to reach a plate after refusing Jun’s help. How she giggled when she caught Jun staring at her.

How she walked up to Jun with a spoon of sauce to make him taste it.

“Ew” the voice echoed in the kitchen. “Why would you make me eat raw food?”

“It’s not raw you dumbass. It’s done, I just want you to taste it if it's seasoned right for your taste. Because you are so damn picky” Jun rolled his eyes and put the spoon closer. “Now open your mouth.”

“I love when you say that but not with poison in your hand” he turned his face, pushing his lips into a thin line. 

“You freak” Jun gasped and turned back to the stove. “Don’t blame me if it’s not salty enough.” He hummed and tasted the sauce himself. 

“You know I will eat it either way” he stood up and walked behind Jun, wrapping his arms around the older’s waist, kissing the side of his neck. “And if it’s bad I can just eat something else” he whispered and pulled Jun’s hips towards himself, their bodies pressing together.

Jun gasped, turning around in his arms with wide eyes. “Dylan!”

Jun opened his mouth, tasting the sauce on the spoon, humming with a smile. “Perfect, like always”

His girlfriend smiled, leaving a kiss on Jun’s nose and jumped back to the stove. “Good~ everything is done then. Mind setting the table, babe?” She looked at him over her shoulder, sending her prettiest smile to Jun.

The guilt he was feeling was indescribable. His heart was aching and he felt sick in his stomach. She never deserved it. 

When they first met, Jun never considered dating her, or to date anyone. He was still broken hearted, it was only a year after Mars’ disbandment, around the first drama where Jun had a bigger role.
He attended the press conference after-party, and that’s where he met her. She was already a well known model, being in the industry since she was a child. 
Palm is only a few months younger than Jun, so they automatically found each other in the crowd of people twice their ages.

She was kind and attentive, trying to get to know Jun in only a few hours. But Jun wasn’t interested. He had to admit, she was pretty and had a lovely personality, but he just didn’t want to have a romantic partner, not that time.

However, she just didn’t give up, trying to befriend Jun during various events and after parties. During the end of the year party, Jun finally gave in. Palm grew on him, he was slowly expecting her messages or to see her wherever he went.

They went on their first date about a month before the second anniversary of Mars’ disbandment. Then started dating just after that, now the date means something new in Jun’s life.

Palm slowly learned everything about Jun and Mars, accepting him and his past. She knew about Dylan, but not too much. Only that he was the closest to Jun and now they don’t talk anymore. Jun just wasn’t ready to tell her everything.

“Do you want to watch a foreign movie?” She laid her head against Jun’s shoulder, looking through the movies the streaming platform offered them.

“Yeah, we can watch something American” he smiled, planting a kiss on her hair.

She giggled, continuing to look for the perfect movie for them to watch. She scrolled past some action movies, saying she doesn’t want to watch that now, skipping comedies and documentaries.

“This one!” She pressed the button, Jun glancing at the screen to see her choice.

10 things I hate about you.

“There is no way I will watch a romantic movie with you” he scoffed and turned his back to Jun who just giggled.

“It’s not that romantic. Just give it a chance, you will love it” Jun grabbed the popcorn from the bedside table, putting it between them. “C’mon babe”

After a few more minutes of arguing, Jun finally pressed start, the movie starting to play on the tv. 

Mixed with the music and actors’ voices, the room was filled with giggles after a funnier scene or little comments from both of the boys.

“Now? You can’t say you didn’t like it” Jun smiled as he reached for the tissue box.

“Shut up. They were so adorable and how she wrote that poem and then just- gosh” he sobbed again. “Me when?”

“Dylan!” Jun gasped and hit his boyfriend's arm, who laughed between a few more sobs.

The movie ended and Jun just stared at the screen, which was now recommending a new movie.

“I should have chosen a different one” Palm mumbled and stretched her arms, turning to face Jun. “Sorry for choosing this, I thought it would be better.” 

Jun blinked slowly, facing her. “Hm? Better? You didn’t like it?”

Palm giggled and shook her head. “No. The jokes were too much and the way they talked to each other? And the ending was so stupid” she rolled her eyes.

“Oh” that’s all Jun could say. He didn’t want to start arguing. Telling her that she wasn’t right and this movie is in fact awesome, one of his favorites. He didn’t want to say he knew the whole script by heart, how he and Dylan watched it almost every month because it became Dylan’s favorite movie.

And there he was again, thinking about Dylan.

“Let’s sleep now. I’m pretty tired” she yawned and hugged Jun. “I have a shooting tomorrow but how about we go out this weekend? It’s been a while since our last date” she looked up at the boy with sparkling eyes and a small smile.

“Sure, let’s do that” he returned the smile. “Good night” he pressed a kiss on the top of her head as they both climbed under the covers.

And for the third night, Jun just couldn’t sleep. Not with Palm in his arms. 

Not on the bed he used to share with Dylan. 

After so many months, years he was back to square one. Unable to get Dylan out of his head.

And the worst part? Jun had nobody to talk to. He had nobody left who would understand him. He couldn’t tell his mom, even though she loved Dylan, this was something Jun couldn’t share with her. Obviously not Palm. His brother moved away with his family. Friends? Nobody left. He cut ties with Thame as soon as he debuted in Korea, from both jealousy, rage and hurt. Pepper was the one who refused to talk to him after Jun broke Dylan’s heart and Nano… Nano hated him for the exact same reason. 

A week after he met Dylan, he reached the point where he couldn’t even look in the mirror without seeing Dylan.

Being with Palm was unbearable, Dylan’s words ringing in his ears each time he held her hand, kissed her or when Palm wanted to have sex at night.

Jun just couldn’t. He had to come up with the most ridiculous reasons why he couldn’t do what he was able to do just days before.

“You are acting weird” Palm’s tone was serious and so was her facial expression, sitting across the table, looking at Jun with her arms crossed.

“I’m just tired” Jun mumbled, picking the carrots out of his food. 

The girl furrowed her brows. “Tired? You’ve never acted like this when you were tired. You can’t fool me anymore, Jun. I know you” no, you don’t - he wanted to say. But he just stayed quiet, continuing to eat his dinner, feeling pressured under Palm’s gaze.

“First you leave the set out of nowhere. You mess up your script all the time.” She continued. “Then literally don’t contact anyone for two days, I had to call P’War to ask him how my boyfriend is doing because he was ignoring me.” Jun finally looked up at the girl. “And now you say you are tired? Really? You ignore me, Jun.”

He gulped and put his chopsticks down. “Palm, don’t overthink” he sighed and stood up, walking to her, putting his arms around her shoulders from behind. “I’m just stressed and tired, I promise” he kissed her cheek. “Once the filming is finished, I take a break and focus on you, okay?” He promised with a smile.

His hand was sweating and heart raced fast as the words left his lips. That bad taste in his mouth was there again, something he got used to the past days after so many lies told.

“I’m just worried, okay?” She looked at him. “And I miss you” she pouted.

“It’s okay babe. I miss you too” he smiled faintly and left a peck on her lips.

When you kiss her, do you ever close your eyes and pretend it’s me?

He felt sick again, his stomach twisting and almost gagging as he heard Dylan’s voice in his head.

He pulled away, staring at the wall with his heart hammering against his chest fast and loud.

“Junnie?” Palm stood up, holding his face. “Are you okay? Jun! Jun, do you hear me?” She shook him a little, pulling him back to reality.

“I-“ he stuttered, looking around. “I need to… lay down. I-“ he peeled off her hands and walked to the bedroom, climbing into the bed, pulling the covers on himself, leaving Palm in the kitchen confused and frustrated.

For the third time that week.

And many more were coming. After a date he could push between his schedule, after a shared dinner or when Palm kissed down his neck, her hands trailing his naked body. He just froze and left. 

Every single time Palm touched him he just felt weird and Dylan’s voice haunted him. 

“Jun.” he was sitting on the couch, Palm standing in front of him with her hands crossed. “This is your last chance to explain yourself.”

It was almost the third week since Dylan appeared again in Jun’s life, completely ruining it. He slowly and surely drove him crazy as he moved into his head. 

“Palm” his voice sounded raspy as he talked. “Please don’t do this” he leaned forward, looking up at her with big eyes but she just shook her head.

“No Jun. You had your chances. I asked you so many times what is going on with you. Three weeks. Three damned weeks, Jun, do you think I am this stupid?” Her voice rose, surprising Jun. She was always calm, never getting angry or raising her voice.

Palm’s hands shook a little as she grabbed her phone from her pocket, slamming it on the table with a force that made Jun’s stomach drop. The screen lit up and Jun leaned in, his breath hitching as he saw the picture. Him and Dylan, at the café.

“Explain yourself. Now” Palm demanded, her voice serious.

“Palm. He is my old member we just-“

“Bullshit” she laughed and grabbed the phone. “Bullshit. Jun, do you really think I am stupid? Do you? Do you think I dated you for a year and never figured out you and Dylan dated?” She shook her head and started walking up and down in the living room. “It makes so much sense. Why else would you distance yourself from all the old Mars members? How you never talked about Dylan. You think you can fool me?” She laughed again. 

“Palm-“ Jun’s stomach twisted, the words sticking to his throat, unable to speak.

Palm’s laughter was bitter, almost insane. “But it now all makes sense, doesn’t it? How you distanced yourself these past weeks. How you never talked about him before. How could I be so blind?”

“Palm, please stop” he tried, but she just wasn’t listening.

“Stop? Oh my god, you really think I’m stupid. You are just like your damn little boyfriend, thinking I fall for your lies? The story of not seeing each other for years when you clearly met each other-“ she stopped, looking at Jun, her eyes wide with realization.

“What?” He stood up. “What did you just say?”

“Jun… she smiled and walked closer to him. “It wasn’t on purpose-“

“You’ve met Dylan?” His voice was low, eyes darkening as they locked onto hers. “Palm, I asked you something. Have you met Dylan?”

“Yes!” She screamed, the words escaping in a burst of emotions. “Yes, I had to Jun!” She walked up to him, grabbing his t-shirt. “You- you have been acting weird and then P’War told me about you meeting Dylan so-“

“Wait, repeat that.” His blood ran cold and peeled her hands off and took a step back. “P’War? He told you?” The mention of his manager made his hand tremble.

She took a frustrated breath and stomped her feet. “Yes. The picture, Jun. He forwarded it to me because a reporter sent it to him and he wanted to know” she explained, partially shaking as he tried to grip Jun’s arm. “Jun, I did everything for you. For us. Can’t you see it?”

“No” he laughed and shook her head. “No you didn’t. Palm. You did it for yourself, to control me and our relationship” his voice grew more frantic as he paced away from her. “Do you realize what you did? You have went to see Dylan… you. Palm, what did you say to him?” his voice was raw.

Jun’s pulse pounded, his body trembling with something between fear and fury. 

“The truth.” Palm whispered but her voice was confident. 

His chest tightened, the floor feeling like it dropped beneath him, the room starting to spin.

“Jun” her voice shook. “You have to believe me.”

“What did you tell him” he squeezed the words out between his teeth, almost glaring at Palm as she finally took a step away, lowering her head for a moment, running her fingers through her hair.

“I told him… that you don’t like him anymore. That you don’t want him back in your life” her voice was shaky but firm. “That you never want to go back to him and you are happy with me. It’s the truth! Right?”

Jun’s breath came in ragged gaps, his body shaking with pure rage and disbelief.

“You had no right” he screamed. “No fucking right to tell any of that to him! The truth? That’s not the truth, Palm. You can’t just go to him and lie to his face, to interfere in my life like that!”

Palm scoffed, but there was something unhinged in her eyes. “What don’t you understand? I did it for us, Jun. I did it because I love you! Because I care about you and… and I saw you slipping away from me. Because of him! Jun you are mine!”

Jun let out a laugh. “Yours? Love? Oh my god Palm. How is this love? I was so blind and dumb for not noticing this earlier. You don’t actually care about me! You only want to control me, to be your perfect boyfriend in front of the cameras! You have always been like this.” He gasped and turned around, every single action of hers where she just controlled his actions hitting him like a truck. “You are sick in the head! And now you involve Dylan?”

Palm’s face twisted into something monstrous, her breathing erratic. “And why would I care about him? Why the hell should I care about Dylan?” Her voice cracked into a near scream. “Why should I care about your pathetic, loser ex-boyfriend who decided to show up right when you got successful?”

Jun stepped forward so fast that Palm flinched for a moment. “Because I care about him!” He screamed right at her. “I care about him all the fucking time. Because he is who I want, he is who I love. And I am done pretending I don’t miss him!”

Palm let out a noise, something like a laugh but turned into a sob, her hands shaking as she reached out to Jun. “Babe stop” she whispered. “You are just confused. You are lying, Jun. He is messing with your head. Baby, you don’t mean it. It’s all Dylan, not you. You never thought about him before-“

Jun put his hand on Palm that was on his other arm. “Stop. Just stop. Palm. There was always Dylan. He was always on my mind from the second I broke up with him to this moment. When you begged me months to date you, when he texted me, when we met. It’s always been him” he stepped away from her. “I used you, Palm. Against my own will, but I did and I apologize for that” his voice calmed down, but hands were still shaking.

“You didn’t think this through” she whispered. “Wait until everyone finds out. That the big actor, a member of Mars, is actually gay.”

And that’s when everything clicked. That Palm’s problem wasn’t Dylan, it wasn’t the fact he had an ex that came back to his life. It was his sexuality.

“Get out. Now” his voice was quiet, refusing to look at the girl as he pointed towards the door. “Get the hell out and never fucking show up in front of me” he looked up, locking his eyes at Palm. “And if you try to hurt Dylan ever again, I will fucking ruin you. Got it?”

Palm stood frozen for a second, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Then her lips curled into something close to a smirk. “You think you can threaten me? You? We will see Jun. We will see who wins this.” She started walking towards the door after grabbing her purse.

“Just get the fuck out” Jun took a deep breath, closing his eyes and rubbed his face with his hands.

Palm laughed one last time, the sound sending an uncomfortable shiver down Jun’s spine as she slammed the door, leaving the boy alone in his apartment.

He stood there, frozen for a few moments. He just stared at the closed door before he just broke down. He collapsed to the couch, loud sobs escaping his chest and the tears ran down his face.

It hurts so damn much. So, so much.

He genuinely liked Palm, he was happy with her most of the time. Seeing her like this, finally realizing her hidden motives just stabbed him right in the heart.

Everything for the past year was a lie? Every sweet moment, the dates, the little touches. Were they genuine? Did Palm ever love him?

Did he ever love Palm?

He opened his phone immediately looking for Dylan’s contact, opening the message thread.

Dylan, please come over.

The message wasn’t delivered. Jun furrowed his brows and tried again. And again. And again and again and again then slammed his phone to the wall, it breaking to pieces.

“You little shit” he screamed. “How can you do this to me??? Oh my god” his tears covered his cheeks again. 

His chest hurt and could barely breathe. Jun just stayed sat, staring at the pieces of his phone on the floor.

Dylan blocked him. Again.

He quit. The drama, the agency. After he found out his manager, P’War and Palm were involved in whatever situation they were in, he just never wanted to see any of them. He just broke, everything crumbled around him. 

Just like Dylan wanted.

I miss you, Dyl.

Jun hit send and just closed the app, knowing damn well the message wasn’t delivered, like the ones he sent the previous days. 

He put his phone on the nightstand, pulling the blanket over his body as he just stared into the emptiness. 

Dylan Zhou

sent 2:05am

It’s late. Are you okay?

Need me to come over?

Jun blinked as he opened the messages. He closed and opened the app again, reading the sentences again and again.

Dylan?

He waited a few seconds before the reply arrived.

Same place?

Jun’s heart was beating fast, super fast. He was now sitting on his bed, eyes wide as he kept checking the profile, the messages to make sure it is Dylan.

Yes.

Hurry.

I miss you.

And he smiled. With tears in his eyes he smiled when Dylan liked his message. 

Jun took a deep breath and closed him phone, just sitting in silence and darkness for a few minutes, letting the fact Dylan was coming over sink in.

Dylan, after three months of not talking. After three and half years since they broke up. His Dylan was about to be there.

He climbed out of the bed, walking to the bathroom to fix his hair. It was 2am, it was all so unnecessary. Dylan has seen him looking worse. But he just had to. He wanted to look perfect.

knock knock

His breath hitched and left the bathroom, staring at the door.

“Jun, it’s me” Dylan spoke softly from the other side.

Jun’s heart raced in his chest as he slowly walked up to the door, his hand on the doorknob. 
Every thought and emotion seemed to collide that moment as he opened the door.

And there he was, standing in front of Jun. Black sweatpants and just a loose t-shirt -probably the one he used for sleeping-. His hair tied up into a ponytail and his pretty face hidden behind a mask.

“Jun-“ he spoke before Jun just pulled him inside, pushing him against the door. 

“I hate you so fucking much” he breathed and just ripped off the mask from Dylan’s face, throwing it to the ground.

Jun looked into Dylan’s eyes for a moment, then he leaned forward, closing the distance between them in an instant. His hand reached out to hold Dylan’s shoulder, gripping into the fabric of his t-shirt with desperation that surprised even himself. 

Their lips crashed together, urgent, fractic and entirely messy, like they had been starved. Jun felt how Dylan slowly smiled into the kiss, feeling the younger’s hand on his back, pulling his body closer as Dylan deepened the kiss, sucking on the upper lip of Jun’s, trailing his finger down the older’s spine.

Jun melted into Dylan’s touch, his knees almost giving up, only Dylan’s hold keeping him steady as they continued to kiss, the pink  haired boy finally changing their position and pushing Jun against the door.

Jun’s hand tangled into Dylan’s hair, pulling his hair tie and letting his long hair fall into his eyes and on his shoulder.

“Fuck you are gorgeous” he breathed against Dylan’s mouth when he opened his eyes.

Dylan just smirked and kissed Jun again, letting his hands roam on the older’s body as he was almost eating him up in the living room.

“I missed you so much” he kissed Jun’s neck. “So fucking much”

“‘Me too” Jun tilted his head. “You could have come earlier if you didn’t block me” Jun had no time to tell Dylan off as the younger bit on the soft skin above his collar bone. 

“Shhh. I’m sorry, yeah? I just didn’t want you to do something stupid” he trailed small kisses up and down Jun’s neck. “Your girlfriend was crazy scary” he chuckled against Jun’s skin.

“Ex” he bit on his lip to surpass a moan. “Dyl- stop”

Dylan pulled away with a little pout. “Sorry babe, got carried away.” He smiled and cupped Jun’s face. “I’m sorry. For hurting you” he ran his thumb against Jun’s cheeks, over the moles decorating his skin. “So sorry, my Junnie”

Jun turned his head to the side, Dylan’s hands steady on his face. “Me too, Dyl. I’m sorry too” he whispered, slowly looking back at him. “Sorry. It took me too long to realize.” 

Dylan just shook his head and left a small kiss on the tip of Jun’s nose. “It’s fine. I’m just glad you realized that I am the one for you, Junnie” he giggled and kissed the older one on the lips.

Jun smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, you are” he pulled Dylan back, kissing him again. “Gosh I missed your lips.”

“I know” he mumbled against Jun’s lips then kissed him again, not letting him talk again for minutes that turned into almost an hour, just them kissing, slowly reaching Jun’s bedroom. 

“If you think you can have sex with me now, after almost four years-“ Jun started when Dylan pushed him on the bed but only got a laugh as a reply.

“Maybe it’s you who wants to do it, hm?” Dylan climbed next to the boy. “Dirty mind” he stuck out his tongue and tucked Jun’s hair behind his ear. 

Dylan rested his head on his hand as he looked down at Jun’s face, his elbow resting just next to the male’s head.

“Shut up” his face turned red. “You are staying, right?” His voice was quieter than before.

Dylan smiled and nodded. “Of course” he finally laid next to Jun, wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling him close. “Of course, babe. Of course I will stay.”

And after three and half years, wrapped in Dylan’s embrace, Jun slept with a smile again, his head buried in Dylan’s chest. 

“I love you” he heard Dylan whisper before he finally fell asleep.

I love you too - he wanted to reply.