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“Deanna, hey, are you awake?” Will asked her door, standing in the hallway outside. “We were supposed to meet for breakfast ten minutes ago.”
He stood there for another few seconds, awkwardly shuffling his feet and wondering if it’d be ridiculous to use his override code and just enter…and then the door finally opened, a sleepy-looking Deanna standing in front of him.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Hi, sorry.” Deanna shook her head and wiped a hand over her mouth. “I’m not…feeling well. I think I should go to sickbay.”
Will frowned and put a hand on her upper arm, squeezing gently. “I’ll walk you.”
“No, that’s okay. You should eat before your shift starts.” Deanna shrugged him off of her and massaged her forehead. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Beverly will have me back to normal in a few minutes.”
“...okay.” Will still wanted to walk with her, but he didn’t want to push. Their relationship had reached a new level of weird ever since his transporter duplicate came on board - and Tom only left a few weeks ago. Will had been trying to find the right balance between giving her space and showing her he cared and it was difficult to carefully tow that line.
She smiled at him. “You worry too much. I'll be fine.”
Famous last words, Will thought as she walked past him towards the turbolift. She shook her head, making him wonder if she'd heard his thoughts, but didn't say anything else. He watched her go and had to fight the urge to follow her. She probably wouldn't appreciate him sticking his nose in her business. But she didn't get sick often and he couldn't help but worry when it came to his imzadi.
A little sad at the missed opportunity to spend time with her, Will went back to his quarters, grabbed a protein bar from the replicator, and made his way to the bridge.
He hoped it was going to be a boring, easy day - after the drama with Tom and then getting stuck in some sort of time bubble, they’d dealt with a series of completely run-of-the-mill missions. No uprisings, no viruses on the ship, no kidnappings. If the day was nice and calm, then Deanna would only need to focus on feeling better, and then she’d be better faster and then maybe they could have dinner together if she was up for it.
After an hour of traveling at warp 5, Will took over the captain’s chair while Picard took a call in his ready room. Deanna still wasn’t on the bridge, but Will was pretty sure she had a couple of appointments during the day, so he decided not to worry about it. If he worried too much then she would be able to sense his worry and he didn’t want to make her feel worse.
Fifteen minutes later, when Dr. Crusher exited the turbolift and didn’t even acknowledge Will before making her way to the ready room, he felt his anxiety spike.
There was absolutely no reason for him to assume that Dr. Crusher came to talk to Captain Picard about Deanna. Beverly and Jean-Luc talked to each other all the time. All the time. It wasn’t weird, it wasn’t unique, it wasn’t special.
And yet.
And yet.
Will tapped his foot anxiously and rubbed his hand over his mouth. What were they talking about? Beverly didn’t look happy when she came onto the bridge. She didn’t even say hello or good morning, Will or anything. So it made sense for him to think that something was wrong. But Deanna didn’t seem that bad when he saw her - she looked a little nauseous, maybe. It could’ve just been something she ate.
After ten minutes, Dr. Crusher finally emerged from the ready room with a morose expression on her face that did not make Will feel any better. He stood up and walked over to her before she could get away. “Is something wrong?”
“Hm?” Beverly stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “Um. No. Everything’s fine.”
Will was entirely unconvinced. “Is Deanna alright?”
At that question, she broke eye contact and crossed her arms uncomfortably. “She’ll be fine.”
“She will be?” He frowned and stepped closer, wanting to talk without everyone on the bridge overhearing. “What’s wrong with her? Is she-?”
“Commander,” Beverly said quietly but harshly, cutting him off. “Any medical condition of Counselor Troi’s is between her and me. It’s not your business and you shouldn’t even be asking.”
That shut Will up. He stared at her, hurt by the rejection, but he knew that he was overstepping. They may have been speaking quietly, but they were still on the bridge and whatever was happening with Deanna was obviously private. He wasn’t Deanna’s husband or family so of course he didn’t have access to privileged information like that.
The captain did, if the CMO deemed it necessary. Based on the length of time she was in the ready room, Will had a feeling that she did. Which only worried him more.
“Right. Of course,” he mumbled, stepping away from the doctor. “I’ll just…check on her later, then.”
Beverly stared into his eyes and sighed. “Yeah. Later.”
After his thankfully boring shift, Will headed straight to Deanna’s quarters to check on her. He’d been thinking about her all day and he knew he’d go crazy if he didn’t figure out what was going on with her as soon as possible. He probably wouldn’t be able to do anything to help, but maybe he could offer moral support. Or bring her medicine and water. Or- or something.
He pressed her door chime and stood there for a moment, waiting. Impatiently.
After ten seconds with no response, he pressed it again.
Will lightly chewed the inside of his cheek. It was possible she was asleep. But it was also possible that she was so sick she could hardly move and was in desperate need for someone to come into her quarters and help her.
Though he recognized that he’d probably have at least some emotional sense of her if she was in that level of distress, Will still used his override code to get her door open and walk inside. “Deanna?” he asked quietly.
The only response was the light hum of the ship and some beeping in the distance. It didn’t take long for Will to realize that Deanna was not in her quarters, and he immediately felt embarrassed by his paranoia. He definitely should’ve asked the computer where she was before breaking into her room. She’d probably think it was funny rather than be annoyed, but he still felt like a bit of a creep coming into her room without her there.
“Computer, where is Counselor Troi?”
“Counselor Troi is in sickbay.”
Will frowned. She was either still in sickbay after ten hours, or she went back to sickbay sometime later in the day. Neither option made him feel great, so he took a deep breath and quickly headed towards the turbolift so he could get to Deck 12.
His mind raced with possibilities on his short journey to sickbay. She got headaches every once in a while, but they usually didn’t require more than a nap to go away. If she had a bad reaction to something she ate, then Dr. Crusher would’ve taken care of the issue immediately. If Deanna was repeatedly coming to sickbay, then it probably meant there was something new. Something worse than usual.
The walk from the turbolift to sickbay was short, but Will slowed his pace down as he overheard some familiar voices coming from inside.
“...as soon as possible.”
“We can get it done tomorrow morning. But you’ll need to take the rest of the day off.”
“That’s fine. I-...”
Deanna stopped talking mid-sentence, and Will knew instantly that she could sense he was nearby. He continued walking into sickbay and decided to pretend that he hadn’t overheard part of their conversation. “Hey.”
Beverly looked up at him, surprised, then back down at Deanna, then up at him again. “Commander.”
Deanna was sitting on a biobed, hands in her lap, looking poised as ever. She took a deep breath and smiled at Will, though she didn’t say anything.
“Just wanted to see how you’re doing,” he started, awkwardly holding his hands together behind his back.
“I’m fine, Will,” Deanna responded, her smile fading a bit.
He couldn’t tell if she was lying, but if he had to guess, it didn’t seem like she was being completely truthful. “Fine enough to have dinner with me tonight?”
She glanced at Beverly, who made an expression that Will couldn’t really understand, and then looked back at him. “Not tonight, sorry. Beverly and I have plans.”
Will nodded, though based on the way Deanna turned away from him, he was sure she could feel how disappointed he was. Not just that they weren’t going to have dinner together - but it was fairly obvious to everyone in the room that she was hiding something from him. Obviously Will didn’t deserve to know his crew member’s private medical information, but he and Deanna were friends. Close friends. Best friends. Oftentimes more than that. It surprised him that she wouldn’t want him to know whatever was going on. “Right. No problem,” he answered with a small smile of his own. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”
Deanna only nodded in response, and Dr. Crusher took that moment as an opportunity to guide Will back to the door. “I appreciate how concerned you are, Will, but it’s time to go.”
He sighed and stared at Deanna’s profile on the other side of the room. “Just…keep me in the loop. Please.”
Beverly frowned. “Will-”
“Please.”
She had a pitying expression on her face as she gently patted his arm. “You really don’t have to worry. I’m serious. It’s nothing.”
Will shrugged away from her hand and walked out the door, feeling rejected and awful and pushy and worried all at the same time. He just wanted to be there for Deanna in what seemed to be a time of need. But she and Beverly both insisted that it was nothing, well if it was nothing then why was she in sickbay?
He was frustrated enough by the secrets and confusion that Will made his way back to the bridge and walked right up to the captain’s ready room door. Picard let him in and Will didn’t bother to sit down - as soon as the door closed behind him he asked, “What’s wrong with Deanna?”
The captain’s eyes widened and he looked up from his computer console to see how serious his first officer was. “Will-”
“I just want to know what’s going on. She won’t say anything to me and Dr. Crusher keeps pushing me away from her.” Will crossed his arms over his chest for a moment, then felt uncomfortable and put them back down at his sides. “If she’s hurt or sick, I should-”
“Unfortunately for you, Number One, I don’t have any information to share with you,” Picard answered, interrupting.
“Then…what did Dr. Crusher talk to you about this morning?”
“She came to inform me that Counselor Troi was taking the day off,” he answered, glaring at his first officer. The implication that Will was crossing a few lines was etched into every wrinkle on Picard’s face. “And that she would likely be unavailable tomorrow as well.”
Will felt even more confused and he finally took a seat in one of the chairs across the desk.
“Whatever Counselor Troi is dealing with is private. Dr. Crusher didn’t provide me with any medical information, but she assured me that the issue will be dealt with and she’ll be back to work soon.” Picard spoke with an authoritative finality while still maintaining some politeness.
“But-”
“Will. I’m worried about her, too, but this is simply not our business,” Picard interrupted, looking frustrated. “Unless Dr. Crusher or Counselor Troi see reason to inform us of any details, we will just have to live with that.”
Will sat there and glared at the captain’s desk, feeling sorry for himself. He didn’t like being left out of things - one of many reasons why he’d always wanted to be a captain was the opportunity to have access to any and all relevant information. Sometimes he forgot that not even the captain was privy to everything. Whatever Deanna was dealing with was clearly both a big deal and not a big deal at all, so Will had no choice but to accept that.
He could still worry about her, though. There wasn’t really a way to turn that off.
“Yes, sir,” Will said with a sigh.
He'd gone to Ten Forward and spent some time with members of the crew. He even chatted with Guinan, who (of course) had some reasonable advice about the situation he was in and recommended that Will do some fun, time-consuming activities to take his mind off of Deanna.
About an hour later, he found himself standing in front of Deanna’s door - sweaty and tired from Mok’bara training with Worf.
Guinan’s advice usually worked. In this case, she completely underestimated how worried he was. He’d asked the computer about fifteen times where Counselor Troi was until Worf told him to stop, and Will was only slightly embarrassed to ask one more time after that.
She was in her room. Did that mean she was better now?
He pressed her door chime and waited.
“Come in.”
Will exhaled a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding as the door opened up and he stepped inside. Deanna was sitting at her table, eating what seemed to be a very small salad and drinking a glass of water. All things considered, it looked fairly normal. But he just wasn’t sure. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she said back, giving him a small smile.
“Is it…” he started, then gave up on that turn of phrase. “Do you have a minute?”
“Sure.” Deanna put her fork down and turned towards him. “Would you like to sit or is this a standing conversation?”
“Oh, um, no, you’re fine, I’m just…sweaty.” Will suddenly felt self-conscious about his state and wondered if he should’ve taken a shower before bothering her. He watched as she stood up and shook her head playfully. “I…how are you? I haven’t seen you much today,” he asked, hoping she would tell him what was going on without him having to directly ask.
“I’m better.” Deanna stood still, her hands clasped in front of her, a tired expression on her face. “I needed to talk to Beverly and sort something out, but it’s settled now.”
Will felt an anxious twitch go down his spine and he reached a hand out to touch her arm. “Is there anything I can do…?”
“No.” Deanna smiled softly and reached up to lay her hand on his cheek. “Imzadi, I can feel how worried you are, but I’m serious when I say that it’s fine. There was never anything life-threatening. I’ll be back on the bridge with you in two days, alright?”
“Alright,” he said out loud, but in his head he couldn’t help but think, “Then why won’t you tell me what’s going on?”
Deanna obviously caught that thought and pulled her hand back, turning away from his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Will started, feeling like a dick. Why couldn’t he keep his thoughts to himself? “Just…I hope you know you can talk to me about anything, Deanna.”
She teared up just the tiniest bit and then suddenly leaned forward, wrapping her arms around his chest. “I know,” she said quietly. “I don’t want to talk about it now, but…someday.”
Will laid his hands on her shoulders, wanting to hug her back but not wanting to get her covered in his sweat. He was so, so frustrated by her lack of communication with him. He’d known Deanna long enough to understand that someday was usually code for never, and even though she and Beverly swore that everything was going to be fine, Will couldn’t help but be a bit paranoid by the secrecy.
“You smell fine,” she said with a chuckle, knowing his thoughts and hugging him tighter. “Good, actually,” came into his mind, though it didn’t seem like she intended to send it to him based on how quickly she pulled away and the light blush on her cheeks.
Normally he would’ve felt an urge to comment on what she’d thought, but Will was a little distracted at the moment and had no interest in embarrassing her further. “I’m here if you need me, okay?” he said, looking serious. “Even if I’m on the bridge, just call and I’ll come running.”
Deanna took a deep breath and stepped forward to give him another hug. “Thank you. I promise I will.”
He left her room feeling not that much better than he did when he entered. Whatever her problem was, it was medical, but it wasn’t life-threatening. And it was serious enough to warrant immediate intervention, but not serious enough for her to be confined to sickbay. He had a million guesses running through his head and refused to settle on any of them, deciding instead to stand in front of her door for another minute.
A brief, terrible, awful thought came to his head.
Will wondered if Tom might know what was going on.
He walked back to his quarters and glared at the personal computer console on his desk. Will was pretty sure Deanna and Tom were still in contact with each other. He hadn’t asked, but he assumed they were going to attempt to continue their relationship long-distance for a little while before they inevitably broke up. Will knew himself. He wasn’t good at subspace relationships, even when he was desperately in love with the other person. Being unable to express himself to her physically made his skin itch and his body ache and he started to feel depressed just at the thought of going through it again.
Will took a deep breath and decided not to call Tom. It was possible that Tom knew what was going on. But even if he did, there was no way he’d share that information. And, if Will wanted to be completely honest with himself, the idea of Tom knowing something about Deanna that Will didn’t made his blood boil. He didn’t need to feel any worse than he already did.
The next morning, Will went fifteen whole minutes before asking the computer where Counselor Troi was. He did not pretend to be proud of himself for waiting that long.
“Counselor Troi is in sickbay.”
He took a deep, deep breath after hearing that and told himself to stop freaking out, stop mothering her, stop being annoying. Deanna swore she was fine. She promised to call him if she needed him. Will trusted her. He trusted her more than anyone. He would let her be and check on her later. And only check on her once, like a not-paranoid friend should.
It was a quiet day on the bridge after that. Ensign Ro and Lieutenant Commander Data sat at their seats patiently, the captain went from his chair to the ready room and back again several times, and Mr. Worf stood diligently behind them, ready for action that never came.
Will checked Counselor Troi’s appointment schedule on his console and saw that she'd rescheduled everything that day. Whatever was going on with her, she didn't anticipate feeling up to work until tomorrow.
And Will was completely fine with that. Not worried at all. The thought of her in sickbay didn't stress him out even a little bit.
As soon as his shift was over, he headed to sickbay. Will didn't particularly care if Beverly was bothered by how worried he was about Deanna. He just wanted to make sure that she was alright, and there was nothing wrong with that and he didn't care how many people told him he was being pushy or overstepping boundaries. Even if Deanna was one of those people. She could be mad at him if she wanted to, all he cared about was her well-being.
Will poked his head into sickbay and glanced around, quickly noticing that the only patient there was an ensign who'd gotten into an accident in engineering. Dr. Crusher was taking care of the young man, so whatever was going on with Deanna must’ve been handled already. Or at least it seemed that way. As he’d noted several times over the past few days, it was hard for him to know exactly what was going on when no one would talk to him.
Beverly spotted him lingering by the door and walked over with a frown on her face. “She’s in her quarters.”
“Okay.” He tried to hold his tongue, but couldn’t help from blurting out his question. “So she’s better now?”
“Yes.” Beverly shook her head and motioned him towards the door. “Don’t even think about asking for more information, Commander. I won’t remind you again that her medical information is private.”
“I wasn’t. I won’t,” he stuttered, feeling like a child being scolded. Dr. Crusher was just doing her job - and she was doing it well. Appropriately. She was watching out for her patients and following privacy guidelines that she’d sworn to. But Will was only human, so of course he was miffed. “I don’t need any details. If she’s good, then I’m good.”
The doctor stared at him in what looked like disbelief, then sighed and lowered her guard. “Good. I’m sorry, Will. You can try to go check on her, but she’s probably sleeping.” Beverly glanced back at the ensign who was resting on a biobed on the other side of the room. “She’ll probably be sleeping most of the day.”
“Okay,” he said again. “Thanks.”
Without another word, Will left sickbay and found himself walking down the hall towards Deanna’s door before he could even blink.
Alyssa Ogawa was leaving Deanna’s quarters when he got there and she didn’t look particularly surprised to see him, but there was a nervousness around her that Will hadn’t seen before.
“Commander Riker, hello,” she said quietly, glancing back into Deanna’s room and then back at him. “Counselor Troi is recovering right now, so you probably shouldn’t-”
“Recovering?” Will couldn’t help but blurt, staring down at the young woman. He knew he didn’t have any right to ask what exactly she was recovering from, but god damn if there was any chance he wasn’t going to talk to her. He didn’t even acknowledge Nurse Ogawa any further, simply walked past her and into Deanna’s quarters.
“Um…” Alyssa said quietly, holding up her hand. Then she shied back and let the door close while Will continued into the room, heading straight for the bedroom.
Deanna was laying in her bed, looking no worse for wear. She looked fine. Normal. There were no bandages, no tubes sticking out of her. No bruises, no scratches, no nothing. She just looked like she was sleeping, the same way she slept every night.
Except for the bags under her eyes, he noted as he stepped closer and kneeled down next to her bed. He scanned her face and it was pretty obvious that she’d been crying. Instinctively, Will reached out a hand and laid it against her cheek, wiping away the remnants of tears. He wished she would just tell him what was going on.
“...Imzadi,” she mumbled, sniffing. She didn’t open her eyes, but she did lean her face against his hand. “Your thoughts are so loud.”
“I’m sorry,” he responded quietly.
There was a long pause before either of them said anything else - Deanna still had her eyes closed and he continued to gently rub his thumb over her cheek, not sure what else to do. It was the small amount of comfort he could offer unless she asked for more.
“...will you hold me?”
Without a moment of hesitation, Will stood up and crawled into the bed, wrapping his arms around her and holding her against his chest. She clutched his shirt, nails digging into his chest a little harder than she probably realized, and Will responded by holding her tighter. Deanna was breathing evenly, like she wanted him to think there was nothing wrong, but he could feel the strain in her emotions.
He couldn’t always feel her like that, but whatever had been done to her left her more emotionally vulnerable than usual. In more ways than one. He could feel everything. And her emotions were haywire - she was relieved and upset and devastated and happy all at the same time.
Will could not have been more confused.
So he held her. And he would hold her as long as she wanted him to.
“Commander Riker.”
Will hummed softly and squeezed Deanna tighter in his arms, not wanting to let go or wake up or be reminded that sharing a bed with the love of his life was not the norm and he’d have to go back to his own bed eventually. He had no idea how long he’d been asleep, but laying there with Deanna was comforting for the both of them and he didn’t want to get up.
“Commander Riker.”
Ugh. He opened one eye and turned towards the source of the voice, unsurprised to find Dr. Beverly Crusher standing authoritatively at the foot of Deanna’s bed and staring down at the two of them with her arms crossed over her chest. Will sighed and rubbed his hands up and down Deanna’s back - she was moving a little and he was sure Beverly had woken her up, too.
“Will,” she said, grabbing his foot and shaking it back and forth. “I need you to leave so I can talk to my patient.”
He took a few moments to stare at Deanna’s face, then sighed and got up. He felt her fingers holding onto him and had to fight the urge to tell Beverly that he was staying no matter what, but he knew better than that. “I’ll be right next door, Imzadi,” he mumbled softly, grabbing her wrists and pulling her off of him.
Beverly sighed and patted his shoulder, guiding him towards the door. “You can come back in ten minutes, alright?”
“Alright.” Will looked over the doctor’s shoulder to see Deanna sitting up and cradling her head. He didn’t say anything else, just walked out the door and stood there silently as it closed behind him.
He could still feel Deanna’s emotions - a little bit, at least. Will bit his bottom lip and cursed himself internally before pressing his ear against the door to see if he could hear anything that would explain the emotions he was feeling from her.
“Did you say anything to Tom?”
“No. And I’m not going to.”
Will backed off after that. Deanna’s anxiety spiked at Beverly’s question and he decided any more intrusion would be inexcusable. Whatever was going on with Deanna - his mind was still reeling with possibilities, some felt a lot more likely than others but he genuinely couldn’t let himself linger on any - it was fine now. And it was between her and the medical staff. He didn’t get to know.
No version of him got to know.
At least there was that, he supposed.
He walked back to his quarters and quickly grabbed something small and simple to eat. Will wasn’t feeling all that hungry, all he really wanted to do was go back to Deanna’s room and hold her some more, but he felt like it would be better to let her rest peacefully. Without his emotions distracting her. If he could feel so much of her, then there was no doubt that she could feel everything from him, too.
Will looked at his bed - his cold, lonely bed - and sighed. He would see her again tomorrow.
His sleep was pretty restless.
Probably because of the long, accidental nap he’d taken after his shift - Will woke up several times throughout the night, tossing and turning when he was trying to get back to sleep. No matter what was going on with Deanna, he still had to be on the bridge by 0800 hours, so it wouldn’t do him any good to be sleep-deprived.
Around 0710, his door chime rang. Will blinked up at the ceiling, staring for a moment while he tried to orient himself, then sat up straight. “Come in.”
The door opened and Deanna appeared on the other side, hands clasped behind her back and a smile on her face. She looked gorgeous - prim and poised and ready for work. She hadn’t looked so normal in days, and seeing her like that again put an immediate spring in his step. Will got up and walked out of his bedroom to greet her properly. “Hey.”
“Hi,” she said with a smile, unapologetically letting her eyes roam up and down his body. “Didn’t feel like wearing your pajamas?”
Will glanced down at himself - he'd stripped off his uniform and slept in his boxers, too stressed to think about getting dressed again. Suddenly the fact that he was standing in front of Deanna almost completely naked was a little embarrassing, even though she’d seen him naked a thousand times before. “It was, um. Hot.”
“I’ll bet.” Deanna tugged some hair behind her ear and smiled. “Do you want to have breakfast?”
He smiled brightly. “Here? Or Ten Forward? I should probably get dressed first.” Will walked back into his room and grabbed a uniform.
“We can eat here.” She walked to the replicator, ordering up a simple breakfast for the two of them.
Will smiled at the sound of her asking for extra chocolate chips on her pancakes. She was clearly feeling a lot better. Back to normal. Everything seemed back to normal. He didn’t want to mess up the normalcy by asking about what happened to her over the last two days, though Will knew she was going to sense the nervousness from him no matter what. He’d shove it down as best as he could.
He took a deep breath and walked out of his bedroom, dressed and teeth brushed and ready to enjoy some time with his favorite person.
Deanna smiled at him and cut into her first pancake. “I haven’t felt this hungry in ages.”
“What’d you have yesterday?” he asked, sitting across from her.
“Not much.” She shrugged. “I couldn’t eat much. But now I can, so I’m absolutely having a chocolate sundae for lunch. Maybe I’ll treat myself with two.”
Will shook his head playfully. “A very healthy choice. Your mother would be proud.”
Deanna laughed and Will’s heart felt full. He reached out his hand, placing it on top of hers and squeezing gently. She stopped laughing and locked eyes with him, giving with a light shrug and a soft smile.
“I told you I’d be fine. I just needed to rest.”
“Okay.” Will nodded and pulled his hand back. “I’m just glad you’re alright.”
“Me, too.”
Will smiled at that and watched her eat until she finally noticed he hadn’t touched his food. She shoved his plate closer to him and nodded her head happily, mouth too full of pancake for her to say anything. But he understood her perfectly. And he was so content to see a big smile on her face that Will realized he could push his curiosity aside and just enjoy being with her.
As long as she was happy and healthy, he didn’t need any more than that.