Chapter Text
“Have you ever thought about our future?”
Eddie was sitting on his sofa, looking at the tv without really watching. Before Buck asked the question, Eddie had been stuck in thoughts but he couldn’t really say what they were now. He looked sideways at Buck.
“Our future?”
“Yeah, like what will our lives look like in a few years?”
Buck and Eddie had been nursing beers ever since dinner. They had been in a comfortable silence for a while.
“I mean, all the time. I have to think about how I will pay for Christopher’s studies. He is a good student. A smart kid. He most likely wants to go to college. What will it be like? Will he have it easy? Will the other kids be nice to him? I mean they won’t be kids anymore, but you know what I mean.” He took a swig of his beer and sighed.
“Yeah. I do. I think about Christopher’s future too. The other day I was…” Buck laughed. “I was cooking and I thought about how hard it could be. Like if I went with the worst possible future, imagining the worst possible people, what it would be like for Christopher.”
“Jesus Buck. That can’t be good for your mental health. Not even I want to think like that.” Eddie frowned at his beer just imagining it.
“I ordered some books. There is this indie bookshop. They don’t even have a site. I sent an email with some titles to order. They called me and everything. I bought some of them.”
Buck was looking at the tv. He didn’t seem to be watching it either. He was tense, holding into his beer so intensively that his arm muscles were straining.
“You bought some books to help you prepare about Chris’s future?” Eddie couldn’t help his smile.
“Yeah, I did. I mean it’s crazy right? He is not even my kid.”
“For most people, sure. For you, nah. I’ve stopped imagining the limit of how far you would go for Chris at this point.”
Buck turned to stare at Eddie. His throat bobbed and Eddie saw it go down. He frowned.
“You don’t think it’s weird?”
“Why would I think it’s weird? You care about Chris. You always have.”
“Our relationship was never normal.” Buck whispered
“Your relationship with Chris?” Eddie placed his beer on the coffee table, returning to look at Buck. There was something coming.
“No. My relationship with you.”
Buck breathed in. Deep. He looked at his hands, holding his beer.
“Can I ask you a question? I mean, you won’t look at me weird after?”
“Of course Buck. You can ask me anything. Always.”
They were whispering at each other. It was dark. The lights in the room were off except from a small lamp on the side and the TV. Christopher was asleep in the other room, but there didn’t seem a need to be whispering. He knew that Buck was trying to gather courage to speak, but why? They were always open with one another. Right?
“Would you have fallen for me? If I wasn’t a man?”
Eddie’s smile fell. He could feel his heart skipping like a gun had gone off in his head. It took him too much time to answer back.
“What?”
“I don’t want it to be weird or anything. It’s just after you left, or maybe even before, I came to this conclusion. I can’t imagine a future where I’m happy and you’re not mine.” Mine? His? As in-
“Buck” Eddie didn’t know where to start. Where was this coming from?
“I know how this sounds. I just, the more I think about it the more I feel like you’re my person. The way I feel when I’m with you I always take it as if it’s normal. There is nothing normal about this.”
“I’m not- I mean I’ve never-” What could he say? What would he say? Eddie felt his pulse race. “Fuck.”
“Just answer me honestly. It’s us. Whatever the answer is, we will survive it. Look at me.” Eddie didn’t. He was looking around. Like he was looking for something. What was he looking for? “Eddie, look at me.” Eddie focused on Buck’s face. On his blue eyes. On his worried face.
“I’m looking.”
“Do You feel wrong… when you’re with someone else?”
“That’s-” He waved a hand dismissing it. That was trauma. He went over this in therapy. It had nothing to do with this conversation.
“Do you feel wrong when I’m with someone else?”
Eddie stopped. His whole body tensed as he stared at Buck. His Buck.
“If I wasn’t a man would I be enough for you?”
Eddie got up. His hands went through his hair before he turned. This conversation couldn’t be happening.
“You are getting confused, Buck. It’s perfectly normal. We are very close. We spend-” Eddie tried to put a cheerful tone in his voice.
“Confused?” Buck was still whispering
“Yes, Buck! You went through your sexuality crises and-”
“Why do you think that happened?” There was a smile on his mouth.
“Tommy!” Right?
“Wrong. I mean, I also thought the same but, no. I wanted your attention. You said you felt as if it was right to meet Tommy and I felt as if a black hole was forming in my stomach when you said that. You said you two clicked. I couldn’t deal with that. ”
”Yes, because you liked Tommy.”
“No.” Buck’s eyes did not leave Eddie’s. “It wasn’t Tommy. It was never Tommy.”
”What are you trying to say? That you never liked Tommy, because I saw how you were when you broke up. That was not nothing”
“I’m trying to say that I would have dug you up from that well when you were buried with my bare hands. I’m saying that I would rather have that fire engine fall on my leg again than seeing you die when you were shot. That’s why I went under it. ”
“No! Don’t say that!”
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
“You-”
“How long was I dead for?”
No. Not that.
“Don’t make me say it.”
“You counted it. So tell me. If I wasn’t a man-”
”Stop!” Eddie screamed “Okay? Just stop!”
“You’re going to wake Chris.”
”Stop…” He whispered.
“I’m going to get married to some person in the future. You will meet someone else that will cherish you and love Chris. And I know- I just know. That whatever those people give us… It will never be enough.”
Eddie was barely listening now.
“There is nothing wrong with you.”
“What?”
“You keep saying if I wasn't a man-” as if there is something wrong with you. There isn’t…”
“That’s what you took from this?”
“I don’t know what to take from this, Buck!”
Buck stood up and faced Eddie. Eddie was breathing quickly as Buck walked closer.
“If I left right now. Would you go after me?”
“What? Well you obviously need to think. I would give you time . You’re confused-”
”I’m not talking about this conversation.”
“You’re not? What are you talking about then?”
“If I left now. To never come back. Would you follow me?”
Buck’s eyes were shiny and Eddie was feeling his own eyes burning
“I mean…Of course Buck. Yes.”
“Okay.”
”Okay?”
“Yes.” He let his arms fall at his sides. Buck turned to leave.
“Goodnight, Eddie.”
”What? Where are you going?”
”Home. Or well… Maddie’s couch.”
“Why?”
“It’s late. We need to sleep. We have work tomorrow”
“ You can’t leave! We haven’t finished-”
“I’ve said everything I needed to say. It feels incredible to be honest. Maybe we will continue this later, but I think we both need to think.”
“Please don’t leave.”
“What?”
“I- “ Eddie took shallow breaths. He felt his own air leaving him “I don’t know. just don’t leave please.”
They stared at each other for what felt like hours.
“I’ll sleep on the couch so you can have the bed. Just don’t go.”
Buck sighed and looked at Eddie’s trembling hands.
“Is there anything you want to tell me? Right now? Can you answer my question?”
Eddie laughed. He didn’t realize he had started to cry. Why was he crying? And shaking. Buck… Why? He couldn’t.
“I can’t Buck” Why was he like this? What was wrong with him?
“We’ll talk tomorrow at work. Or I can bring you and Chris some breakfast if it’s okay. But I think I need to leave now.”
That was okay. That was alright. That had to be.
“Will- Will you be here tomorrow?”
“Of course. Where would I go?”
Eddie took a step forward. Buck didn’t back away. Eddie walked their distance and hugged Buck against him. He breathed deep against Buck’s neck, his hands buried in his best friend’s curls. Buck took a second to hug him back. Eddie stepped back after a while.
“I will see you tomorrow. Breakfast. Chris will love it.” Buck’s eyebrows shot up and Eddie sighed as he looked down. “I would enjoy it… very much”
Buck’s face lit up and Eddie felt his body relax. There was a monumental shift in his world and he couldn’t understand why.
“Tomorrow then.”
Buck turned around again. It felt wrong to see him walk away, but Buck was right. They fought and they screamed and they hugged each other at the end. Just like all the other fights. It was fine. They always survived it. They…they always went back to each other. Buck closed the door. Eddie couldn't stop himself from taking a step forward towards it.